She did not text you back. She is never coming over again. She found another guy. With a bigger dick. She is with him right now. Showing him the movies that she took back from your apartment. As long as the DVD’s she checked out from her college library were on your TV table, you knew she would never leave you. One day, they were gone.
She was with me because she is deeply insecure and lonely. She stayed with me because she needed a place to go at night, and to be around another person. She seemed grateful that I even wanted her around. The attractive 22 year old college student who is exceptionally skilled with her mouth, vagina, and asshole and cleans your house when you leave. Who brings you food and booze when you had a bad day. Who brings movies. God, what a nightmare. What man would want such a person in his life.
She expected nothing of me. She laughed at my worst jokes. She didn’t have to be entertained. You didn’t have to take her out, spend money, drive all over motherfucking creation to go to her friend’s stupid play or some shit. She just wanted to talk about books and maybe eat something and have a brandy and cuddle on the couch. Then fuck. Make you cum too fast with her tight tiny pussy. God damn. I feel like I conceived her in the computer from Weird Science.
I don’t miss you, but I miss knowing I had you. I didn’t have to go out anymore. I didn’t have to go on OKCupid anymore, spend money for a maybe. It’s a burden, chasing women. A chore. You were like inherited wealth from a great aunt I never knew I had. I kept waiting for the stipulation that I’d have to spend one night in a haunted house, but it never came.
Girlfriends are a labor saving device. Bars and parties and talking to girls in the god damn grocery store trying to come up with funny shit to say about yams– I’m getting too old for this shit, Riggs. Just come over and watch a movie. Maybe we fuck, maybe we don’t.
But now, no. Back on OKCupid. Seeking women 22-29 who are looking for casual sex. Sending them a copy paste message. It is the saddest thing in the world, but this is what we have to do now that Gertrude’s gone. Replace her.
She is (REDACTED) and can’t (REDACTED) for shit and always wants to talk about (REDACTED). But she is 22 and beautiful and I want to make her pregnant and have her live with me. They call this the “scarcity mentality.” You will never get another beautiful 22 year old woman again. Jerkoff, there were like 5 of them last year. But the moments between feel infinite.
I want her to be here. That’s all. I miss her. She was interesting. And she was a five foot five twenty two year old Vietnamese chick with an ass out of National Geographic, in the best way. But not being a fool means knowing when it’s gone. And it’s gone.
Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to have this be the one time when feeling something about a girl has not been a net loss. When the pain of losing something doesn’t outweigh whatever happiness I felt. Some other girl will email me off this web site. Some other young girl saying “let’s fuck.” Soon I will have forgotten all about her. She was Asian; they made more.
Still, it hurts. I wish she were with me. It was fucking doomed, or maybe there was never even an “it” to be doomed, but like the man said: everyone forgets that Icarus also flew.