Lunch Break Diary: Fifteen Year Old Girls, and a Conversation

4 Dec
I know this man's spank bank like the back of my hand.

I know this man’s spank bank like the back of my hand.

Good afternoon.  Two reasonably attractive girls having lunch across from me.  Talking.  I have ruined their lunch, probably, by violating their privacy.  They can’t talk candidly about men.

Or not… they’re talking about some guy.  Something something cell phone pictures, Facebook®.  Some guy sent some pictures from vacation in Mexico.  They were scandalous in some way.  Maybe he was penetrating a burro.  Whatever it was, I’m sure it doesn’t merit the gasp it received.  As though the slightly less attractive girl were hearing about the death of Archduke Ferdinand.

Going to (REDACTED)’s tonight to have dinner.  Her fifteen year old niece is going to be there.  It should be illegal for me to be anywhere near fifteen year old girls but there you go.  They make me nervous.  They make all men nervous.  Because we all want to fuck them.  More than we want to fuck the people we are supposed to be attracted to, people in our own age cohort.  And yet, anyone who was dating the mom on Gilmore Girls would never even consider sneaking a peek at the daughter.  Did they ever have that storyline?  I could actually ask people who wrote for Gilmore Girls.  Hey, did any of whatsherface’s boyfriends ever try to fuck Rory?  Or even sneak a peek at her tits?  Steal a pair of her musky cotton panties out of the hamper and wear them like a luchador mask while feverishly beating off?  Tonight, on The WB®… you will see a guy behave as he would actually behave in real life if he were dating a woman with a sixteen year old daughter.  This thing, this truth that happens all across the planet every single day and which every honest man knows instantly in his bones, would be the most shocking thing ever put on television.

Now they’re laughing.  Whatever it is, hilarious.  Good for them, enjoying themselves.  She is “getting them filled today.”  Please let that mean her vagina and anus.  “For Olympia, I’m gonna do another french manicure.”  This is the most female conversation ever had in history. Next they will bring up Jeffrey Eugenides novels.  “They put this gel on… and I would feel it, like, burning through.” That sentence is only not stupid and trivial if it’s said by Lieutenant Ripley.  “It’s just butter lettuce, carrots, celery, onion, I think, uh… salt and pepper, and then… and then I’m gonna rip my top off and go give that weirdo loser on the bench with his laptop a sloppy blowjob to completion.”  There is never that last part.  Prayers forever unheard.

Anyway, yeah.  Fifteen year old girls make me act like a goofball.  You get to the state in life, as a man, where if you fuck enough times, a normal attractive woman does not faze you.  You are capable of speaking to her as though she were just another person.  But teenage girls, there’s something just so… pheromonal about them.  You get in a room with one and you feel like you’re having a car accident.  And of course even if you could master your endocrine system you couldn’t just have the normal harmless flirtation you have with a woman who is of age.  It would be a harmful flirtation.  It is fucking morally wrong.  So it’s just you getting a whiff of her fuck me impregnate me ravish me scent while her dewy eyes look  into yours and you’re thinking just don’t say anything that’s gonna get you in trouble.  Don’t say anything that’s gonna scare her or weird her out.  Just behave like you would with any other human being and don’t be a dork by being less charming than you would with a RAPE HER!!!  RAPE HER!!!  RAPE HER RIGHT NOW AND GIVE THAT PERFECT YOUNG WOMB YOUR SEED AND THEN RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!  YOU CAN POP IN HER BEFORE THEY TEAR YOU OFF!!!  IF THEY SHOOT YOU WHILE YOU ARE FUCKING HER, YOU WILL EJACULATE– I READ THAT SOMEWHERE.  DIE DOING WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO, DAMMIT!

Look, I’m not condoning any of this shit– it’s reprehensible and evil and Budweiser® implores you to please enjoy our product responsibly.  I would never act on these urges, but… they are fucking there, as strong as a mama bear’s urge to protect her cub.  Strong as pulling your hand off a hot pan handle.  Natural as the sunshine.

And yet, if it’s so natural– why does your adrenaline sabotage your cool.  If your body wants you to have sex with fifteen year old girls so bad, why do you feel like you’re being mauled by a mountain lion when you talk to them.  Why does it make you into a weird flinchy nebbish.  You should get a surge of “hot badass” hormones when you’re talking to a fifteen year old girl.  God is evil.

12 Responses to “Lunch Break Diary: Fifteen Year Old Girls, and a Conversation”

  1. Anonymous December 4, 2012 at 2:27 pm #

    Here it is!!

  2. odds December 4, 2012 at 10:12 pm #

    God is evil. I’ve seen you write that before.

  3. Lucky Lothario December 6, 2012 at 4:40 am #

    This is definitely a ballsy post! Nearly cried laughing at ‘IF THEY SHOOT YOU WHILE YOU ARE FUCKING HER, YOU WILL EJACULATE– I READ THAT SOMEWHERE.’

    I think you’re right, we’re evolved to find girls attractive as soon as they’re sexually mature, if not mentally/emotionally/morally/legally mature yet. Definitely not condoning paedophilia and get that you’re not either. But I was on holiday recently and had to repeatedly abort day time approaches after seeing a hot looking girls mum come out of a shop on to the beach and realising she’s jail bait.

    I’d add that the knowledge of her age flips a switch and turns me off completely but until you know or work it out, some look pretty developed and worryingly hot!

    You’re also definitely going to get a lot of people who misinterpret this post, probably from sexually frustrated guys who dare not admit it to themselves lest they lose control.

    Stay sharp.

  4. Dr. Illusion December 6, 2012 at 7:17 am #

    That was fucking awesome. What state do you live in? 16 was legal in my last state, 17 is legal where I live now. I date/screw from 17 to 22. Any older than that doesn’t interest me much. It was 16 to 22 before I moved. But those young girls are very fertile. Be careful with that loaded gun.

  5. Anonymous December 12, 2012 at 4:23 pm #


    • Anonymous December 13, 2012 at 12:52 am #

      Hahahaha, get a load of crazy up above. Lmfao.

    • Sylviasarah December 13, 2012 at 12:56 am #

      I am an anti-intellectual.

    • Kevin O'Keeffe December 3, 2014 at 4:52 pm #

      You’re stupid.

  6. lolcopterpilot February 25, 2013 at 10:02 pm #

    Dear Sir,

    That bit about the Budweiser disclaimer killed me. May you ride a thousand white stallions to the gates of Hell.

    Gratefully, With Due Respect, I Beg to Remain,
    a fan

    • Anonymous March 28, 2013 at 7:02 pm #

      15 is their peak. Nothing to be ashamed of. Most women were married with children by the age of 15 until the last 100 years or so in the Western world.

  7. kotoula01 August 11, 2013 at 8:40 pm #

    You could always join the FLDS where 55 year old men get to have as many 14 year old ‘wives’ as they want. A new one every few months. Sanctioned by the ‘church’ and by ‘god’ lol. Of course they throw away the similarly aged boys, dump them out on deserted highways at 2am to be ravished by passing truck drivers. This eliminates the competition for said pheremonal perfection. The government allows these guys to have unlimited wives and hundreds of kids, and they all get fat welfare checks. They don’t do a lick of work except to update their ‘fuck charts’ on a weekly basis so they can keep track of which girl will do which act without too much protest. Read 19th Wife. Fuck.


  1. Make Up To Zero Dollars A Week On Your Computer, Without Leaving Home | delicioustacos - March 27, 2013

    […] the paid shit, I am un fucking hirable. Remember all those posts where I talk about wanting to fuck 15 year old girls? Remember all the racist shit, the fat bashing shit, the shit about how women past the age of 33 […]

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