Good afternoon. Two reasonably attractive girls having lunch across from me. Talking. I have ruined their lunch, probably, by violating their privacy. They can’t talk candidly about men.
Or not… they’re talking about some guy. Something something cell phone pictures, Facebook®. Some guy sent some pictures from vacation in Mexico. They were scandalous in some way. Maybe he was penetrating a burro. Whatever it was, I’m sure it doesn’t merit the gasp it received. As though the slightly less attractive girl were hearing about the death of Archduke Ferdinand.
Going to (REDACTED)’s tonight to have dinner. Her fifteen year old niece is going to be there. It should be illegal for me to be anywhere near fifteen year old girls but there you go. They make me nervous. They make all men nervous. Because we all want to fuck them. More than we want to fuck the people we are supposed to be attracted to, people in our own age cohort. And yet, anyone who was dating the mom on Gilmore Girls would never even consider sneaking a peek at the daughter. Did they ever have that storyline? I could actually ask people who wrote for Gilmore Girls. Hey, did any of whatsherface’s boyfriends ever try to fuck Rory? Or even sneak a peek at her tits? Steal a pair of her musky cotton panties out of the hamper and wear them like a luchador mask while feverishly beating off? Tonight, on The WB®… you will see a guy behave as he would actually behave in real life if he were dating a woman with a sixteen year old daughter. This thing, this truth that happens all across the planet every single day and which every honest man knows instantly in his bones, would be the most shocking thing ever put on television.
Now they’re laughing. Whatever it is, hilarious. Good for them, enjoying themselves. She is “getting them filled today.” Please let that mean her vagina and anus. “For Olympia, I’m gonna do another french manicure.” This is the most female conversation ever had in history. Next they will bring up Jeffrey Eugenides novels. “They put this gel on… and I would feel it, like, burning through.” That sentence is only not stupid and trivial if it’s said by Lieutenant Ripley. “It’s just butter lettuce, carrots, celery, onion, I think, uh… salt and pepper, and then… and then I’m gonna rip my top off and go give that weirdo loser on the bench with his laptop a sloppy blowjob to completion.” There is never that last part. Prayers forever unheard.
Anyway, yeah. Fifteen year old girls make me act like a goofball. You get to the state in life, as a man, where if you fuck enough times, a normal attractive woman does not faze you. You are capable of speaking to her as though she were just another person. But teenage girls, there’s something just so… pheromonal about them. You get in a room with one and you feel like you’re having a car accident. And of course even if you could master your endocrine system you couldn’t just have the normal harmless flirtation you have with a woman who is of age. It would be a harmful flirtation. It is fucking morally wrong. So it’s just you getting a whiff of her fuck me impregnate me ravish me scent while her dewy eyes look into yours and you’re thinking just don’t say anything that’s gonna get you in trouble. Don’t say anything that’s gonna scare her or weird her out. Just behave like you would with any other human being and don’t be a dork by being less charming than you would with a RAPE HER!!! RAPE HER!!! RAPE HER RIGHT NOW AND GIVE THAT PERFECT YOUNG WOMB YOUR SEED AND THEN RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! YOU CAN POP IN HER BEFORE THEY TEAR YOU OFF!!! IF THEY SHOOT YOU WHILE YOU ARE FUCKING HER, YOU WILL EJACULATE– I READ THAT SOMEWHERE. DIE DOING WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO, DAMMIT!
Look, I’m not condoning any of this shit– it’s reprehensible and evil and Budweiser® implores you to please enjoy our product responsibly. I would never act on these urges, but… they are fucking there, as strong as a mama bear’s urge to protect her cub. Strong as pulling your hand off a hot pan handle. Natural as the sunshine.
And yet, if it’s so natural– why does your adrenaline sabotage your cool. If your body wants you to have sex with fifteen year old girls so bad, why do you feel like you’re being mauled by a mountain lion when you talk to them. Why does it make you into a weird flinchy nebbish. You should get a surge of “hot badass” hormones when you’re talking to a fifteen year old girl. God is evil.