I Need to Fuck Someone, I Need to Post Something

16 Apr

sayla hut

I didn’t write this weekend. Instead I fucked an aborigine. The backs of her hands were burned. Giant nipples. Weird stuttered demarcation between regular and areola skin. A calico mole or meta-nipple coming off the top of one regular nipple. So much going on. Full untrimmed pussy but not too hairy. Not too tight either. IUD scratching my tip. Blasting in her with her on her stomach. As soon as I turned her over, felt her all squishy at that angle, I wanted to cum instantly. I did.

That morning I went to Koreatown and got jerked off by a 50 year old hooker with laryngitis. It from karaoke, she said. I’d been going insane. Thought if I didn’t get touched I’d commit murder suicide. It worked. She had what felt like a bench press callus. I heard an old Chinese man and woman laughing outside. Stereo playing an electric piano version of The Eagles’ “Desperado.” As I came in her eye it ended on a weird jazz chord. The guy who arranges solo piano soft rock tunes for Asian handjob places made a compositional choice. It made you reinterpret the whole song.

I met her at the duck pond. Asked her to demonstrate her healing crystals on my belly. She didn’t seem into it but when we got to the lily pads it was clear. I went for the makeout. Mexicans yelled “get a room.” This has happened to me every Sunday for at least a hundred years.

Jesus Christ who cares– I can’t write this shit even one more time. Writing to leave out parts I wouldn’t want her to read. She was [REDACTED]. She was – she was– [REDACTED], like a child. She believed in healing crystals. She had a nice pussy. It looked like she was wearing a supportive bra but she wasn’t. She just had firm tits. I’m getting hard thinking about them now. This means I’ll see her again. She was a fucking aborigine— it was like fucking a museum diorama. Early man in Far Cry Primal. She was [REDACTED]. She’s from [REDACTED] but she’d been to Australia. The other aborigines hated her. They hate everybody. Wouldn’t you. They threatened her if she stayed in town. They’re legally barred from alcohol, tobacco and pornography.

I feel bad typing this. She’s a nice person with a good life. And I loved launching a quart of cum into her upturned 20 year old ass. Loved it, and if she could ring my doorbell. Come in. Bend over. Take my ocean of premature ejaculate then leave while I smeared her cunt smell into my Xbox controller playing Far Cry Primal. She resembles the herb gathering character who strings her hut with enemies’ ears. If that could happen I’d take it. But I don’t want to to talk about crystals.

Afterward she stroked my back and I palmed her ass. The day after new pussy. I feel good. This may be how a normal person feels. I’m not an ugly cowering mutant. I won’t get fired. If I do, I’m re-employable. I’m progressing in Far Cry Primal. Enjoying my leftover chicken. Joy so rare but in my bones I know every hidden spring.

34 Responses to “I Need to Fuck Someone, I Need to Post Something”

  1. Anonymous April 16, 2017 at 2:27 pm #

    I feel bad for you.

    • moriyah April 16, 2017 at 3:39 pm #

      Me too. It could be an STD. They do like to spread themselves around.

  2. Friends. How many of us have them? April 16, 2017 at 5:10 pm #

    DT doesn’t have any friends. I mean, real friends. The kind of friends that would break into his apartment at night and smother him to death with a pillow as he pretended to sleep before they’d let him bone an aboriginal chick.

    Friends. Ones we can depend on.

  3. Adawkin April 17, 2017 at 3:09 am #

    I hate the fucking Eagles, man.

    • Eduardo the Magnificent April 17, 2017 at 7:18 pm #

      She was banging Delicious Tacos, to use the parlance of our times.

  4. Atlanta Man April 17, 2017 at 7:41 am #

    Was she cute?

    • Eduardo the Magnificent April 17, 2017 at 7:19 pm #

      Only if she had a bone through her neck…

  5. Adolf Hitler April 17, 2017 at 7:10 pm #

    You’re uninspired, DT. Get the fuck out of LA if you care about your art.

  6. Diksoaurus Rex April 17, 2017 at 8:19 pm #

    This is all dudes in L.A (who don’t matter). Self absorbed, imagining themselves as owed a grand debt by society, to be recognized as special creative snowflake. Even if they’re writing on the Internet, the greatest meritocracy of ever, where if they did have talent, it would be found and shared and people would care. Would.

    But hey, have I told you about my pecs today? Mah pecs. And mah writing. I’m so misundersto-nderappreciated.

    At the same time L.A. dudes are all racked with profound self doubt because obviously. Part of their brain realizes that they’re no snowflake and their imagined talent is just that and all at the same time they are surrounded by those who have actual talent. And are recognized for it. Imagine that for a minute. The ultimate mind fuck for the perfectly average but fully self deluded guy.

    DT is the dude version of the girl from the midwest who came with big dreams but neither looks nor talent to matter. That’s what you’re reading here, banging leftovers, being cheered on by a half dozen sad losers “back home”. DT is the 29 year old girl from Illinois. Had that one extra spot in that commercial eight years ago. Still talks about it. To the exclusion of near everything else. Oh, cruel cruel world. River, cry, etc.

    But hey. Various farm animals will have sex with you, in between sitting in a fluorescent cubicle farm, driving the nondescript car payments to the shit shack, whining (sry, writing grand prose) about what should be, instead of actually doing something about it.

    L.A. dudes. Don’t go to big boy town without your big boy pants on.

    • delicioustacos April 17, 2017 at 9:19 pm #

      This actually made me mad, good job.

      • Diksoaurus Rex April 18, 2017 at 8:21 pm #

        It’s all love, D Van T. Channel that anger. GTFO of there, take some fucking chances. Life’s all tick tock and whatnot and banging grossies in that town is way worse than the various crack binges.

      • bashful assad April 24, 2017 at 11:51 am #

        whoa. someone crashed the circlejerk commentz section for delicioustacos dot com and left a mean remark.

        diks rex, dontcha know u’re only suppos’d to leaf pozitive comments on this gay little manospherical site. del-taco is venting for a reason. it’s stressful and kafkaesque to live/work in los angelez. you should feel soorry for him. where is your internet-pity, your empathy. tsk tsk someone isnt following the instructions. you must be an sjw feministist or sumting.

        p.s. thats just, like, youre opinion, man.

      • Bonnes Tacos May 10, 2017 at 1:52 pm #

        ^ Fag.

    • Molly McRingworm April 18, 2017 at 8:04 am #

      There’s only one flaw with this argument; that talent has (much of) anything to do with recognition. That’s really the key here, understanding that there are only so many squares on the board and if you don’t step on one, someone else will. And the person with the confidence to take that square might just be the person whose parents didn’t have the heart to tell them that gluing macaroni and tampons together isn’t art. Such people aren’t terribly concerned with producing dreck to get ahead. It’s the ones with doubt and overweening pride that fall by the wayside. They haven’t learned to kill yet. That’s all that matters, not your stupid art, etc. but are you willing to take the food out of someone else’s mouth to succeed? Who have you killed today?

    • Anonymous April 19, 2017 at 11:29 am #


  7. K-hole April 18, 2017 at 12:09 pm #

    I was at the Berkley street fight. Fun times. Thinking about masturbating to moldylocks now.

    • Voltaick April 20, 2017 at 1:16 am #

      Serious, grade-A tits on that ragamuffin. WB. You should have totally timed an over the shoulder indirect situational opener with her getting punched. But you weren’t where the action was, you weren’t really playing the numbers game properly. Your reticular activating system was overstimulated with low-value sensory data, causing loss of state-momentum and falling back into your head. You were blown out of set before you even left Hot Topic in your newest peacocking accessories. Berkeley may have been a win for your race, but your n-count incurred serious opportunity cost.

      Had you succeeded with a full monte close, you could have leveraged your latest conquest’s internet notoriety among your male friends, then in turn leveraged your newfound status among them by scripting some fresh, authentic Leader-of-Men DHV material (or hiring DT to do so, I hear his rates are reasonable, and the approach to lay ratios utilizing his content are unheard of in the industry). You may possibly never recoup the loss of not banging moldylocks. Sluthaters are right, just end it if you’re a male in 2017.

      • Bonnes Tacos April 24, 2017 at 11:39 am #

        “But first … a non-consensual flea bath!”

      • K-hole May 8, 2017 at 2:11 pm #

        That was a a legitimately funny comment. .

        Dreadlocks are fucking disgusting though. I’d take hairy pits over dreadlocks 10/10 times. Also the punk aesthetic makes me sick. It’s like the 90s when people thought heterosexuals could get AIDS and all the women dressed like Kurt Cobain. Dressing like that is an insult to God and nature.

  8. Anonymous April 19, 2017 at 9:12 am #

    Whats with alll the redacted?

  9. Flash Gorden April 19, 2017 at 9:33 am #

    Just get all the girls you banged in one room. See how that goes

  10. John April 19, 2017 at 9:38 am #

    Here’s a tip. Kill yourself, because it’s clear you contribute nothing to this world.

  11. Panty Snatcher April 19, 2017 at 10:30 am #

    I feel bad for you, because. you obviously have nothing to write about? Did you grow up with sisters? did you grow up with a mother? because i have this feeling that you didnt…. or else you would know how to respect women better.
    Did you grow up getting bullied by girls who probably laughed at you for being either too nice? or too odd?
    If so i am sorry for you dude. Honestly, really and truly. You should have asked that kid to heal you from your demons or help heal you from your past trauma that is obviously affecting you now. Maybe who knows maybe she did some sexualling healing on you, i hope so. Because you seriously need help my friend. Use your talent for something good for a change. Use the fact that your a privileged male to an advantage. Don’t dwell on past hurt because it will only bring you hurt into the future.
    I pity you. I hope that girl never messages you ever again, because she obviously doesnt know what type of scum you are to this Earth. Its guys like you that fuck up our chances with women in general.

    • F April 19, 2017 at 11:26 am #


  12. Kiki April 19, 2017 at 11:00 am #

    Here we are friends, please avert your eyes, ma’am be careful don’t step in that rotting ….Here we are, exhibit A of the “waste of oxygen” tour.

    If you look down to your left, we can see Specimen A, let’s call him Andrew, waking up from another night of self-righteous stupidity. This man, in a pathetic attempt to live with his perverted, destructive sad mind, drags himself from the cum-soiled bedsheets to his computer, resisting the familiar urge to yak from the alcohol and other unholy tastes on his mouth. With the years, he’s gotten good at this. He reaches into his pants for a few well deserved seconds to scratch his putid balls, wretched from years of mindless fornication, scarred and with little pus bubbles popping here and there, everywhere. No, to answer your question, he does shower, the young women he preys on will not even give a man who smells the time of day. As you can read from the text above, he has had a busy last few days and the time has arrived for him to write victoriously, like a pauper king, sitting on his throne of bullshit, on the internet to his readers, men quite like. himself. Other lonely, gross, mommy issues proprietors, sad men read his articles with Glee! I am not alone!!! Their interior voice tells them!! See folks, in this year, our progressive society strongly frowns on misogyny, racism, scum of society-ism so these types of men take to the internet to not feel too lonely in their convictions. They maybe even feel a bit cleaner with the scores of their kind, dicks in their hands, cheering them on.
    Humans are social creatures after all. Loneliness can be killer, take a look at this poor exhibit…Ok let’s continue on now folks.

    • F April 19, 2017 at 11:27 am #

      You fucked him then he ghosted, amiright.

    • WTF? April 19, 2017 at 3:51 pm #

      Andrew? Really? Did you just dox DT? Come on, people. Does he deserve this?

      Also, you write like a girl, which is to say you suck. You’re also strangely acquainted with the various putrid pustules that rise on fall on the sad sacks of misogynistic racists. You’re also utterly void of empathy and your womb is probably petrifying as we speak, but you go girl!

      All that said, you’re mostly right here.

      • K-hole May 8, 2017 at 2:13 pm #

        DTs name isn’t Andrew. Lurk harder.

  13. Atlanta Man April 19, 2017 at 2:23 pm #

    My girlfriend thinks your cute,so go fuck yourself you not bald at 40, tall, Caucasian bastard!

    • Sorcerygod April 26, 2017 at 10:18 am #

      Hello, Lord Delicious Tacos. I’m still keeping a seat warm for you for when I can arrange matters in Toronto for us economically. Now then:

      “As I came in her eye it ended on a weird jazz chord.”

      Think about Muzak. Muzak would never make you come. Then again, consider Bryan Adams “Everything I Do (I Do It For You).” Whole new meaning with a splooge over the face. “There’s NOOOWHERE” FLLLLLGHHH


      Consider gracing my website with your comments, Delish. It is:


      (And I did read your comment about getting mad. I never get mad at haters. They make me interested. It’s far better to win them over than just personally simmer in a heated pile in front of the keyboard. Remember they’re like the Devil: 20% truth hidden in a steaming pile of 80% shit.)

      • Rockwell April 28, 2017 at 5:09 pm #

        Goddamm you Sorcerydildo. If you want to arrange matters for you and Delish “economically” then why don’t you get a fucking job, you steatopygous sperg? Oh, you hadn’t considered that? You know, I’m really beginning to question your commitment to Sparkl — er, Delish.

        Furthermore (and, btw, normally my rate is $350/half hour, you ungrateful c*nt) Delish’s “hater” is showing far more concern for him than Delish typically shows himself, that is, by rubbing Delish’s nose in his own heated pile. See? Self-deception is a bitch.

      • Sorcerygod May 3, 2017 at 11:27 am #

        Delicious Tacos is a true artist with an artist’s temperament. Spewing vomit over him is not conducive to further good writing. He needs to be nurtured with positive truths — that he IS special, that his life IS interesting, that we DO want to hear from him.

        I don’t blame you for hating (haters gonna hate) but really … your own emotional state and need to come out of the trapdoor in the dank dark basement you inhabit is just unneeded.

        Delish if you’re reading? You’re superb. I am superior enough to acknowledge that and know what I’m talking about.


  14. Bonnes Tacos May 10, 2017 at 1:54 pm #

    Twitter is a hell of a drug.

  15. Yoda May 29, 2017 at 7:16 am #

    “Delicious Tacos is a true artist with an artist’s temperament.”

    And that is why he fails.

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