Motherfucker

31 Aug

no sex in toilet

August 31. If I don’t post today there’s a month with no posts. Who cares. But I’ve been doing this 7 and a half years and never missed one. Don’t want to be the Jew who breaks the 5,000 year tradition.

But I can’t write. My prose no good anymore. I have 20 pages about hookers in Thailand and Cambodia and it’s me impersonating myself. Plus some of that shit could get me arrested.

And I got nothing. It’s a Saturday. Trying to think the truth after working five days straight like throwing your car in reverse on the freeway. You want to die in flames but there’s a banjo bolt on the tranny and nothing happens. I still can’t be a person. Thinking about important business development accounts plus the adult man impersonating a fifteen year old girl who insulted me on twitter this morning leading me to click his bio link. Discover a rash of teenage Instagram accounts I must not masturbate to. Need to preserve my kundalini. To write.

Why.

I don’t want to be delicious tacos anymore. I don’t want to be my real name anymore either, they’re both jerkoffs. I want to be my real name who also writes books but they’re the kind Jia Tolentino writes New Yorker blurbs for and then has sex with y– stop. I want to be my high school newspaper editor who went on to write acclaimed journalistic texts he wins awards for and has a wife and kids– eh, fuck it, his shit’s boring. I don’t want to be delicious tacos anymore but that’s just because I have a deadline. What’s the fucking point. If I’m my own boss why is my boss an asshole.

I just want to be marginally famous and have a house and a wife and kids and a babysitter, a fat Mexican [LEGAL AGE] year old babysitter I blast steroidal middle age loads deep into like Schwarzenegger. A babysitter who gives me a genetically perfect son unlike my weird skull pill popping wife squeezing out– do not insult Arnold Schwarzenegger’s children. You know what I’m saying though. I just want to fuck a fat Mexican teen who looks exactly like the one sitting across from me in this coffee shop, something something wife kids taxes…

What the fuck do I want. To beat off. I wish I had some loftier goal but I have a problem. I’m too horny to live. I travel to fourth world countries putting myself in situations where there’s a nonzero chance a Khmer Rouge kommissar will direct me from behind his AK to dig my own grave in a rice field so I can ejaculate and I’d like to say no more, it’s time to stop, but it’s time to keep going and perhaps even escalate my efforts. I’ve experienced no personal growth and never will. Too horny to where it cripples me. Desperately texting the one hot girl who still reads my blog. She’s not coming over. But what’s the alternative. No one has a solution. No one has what I want. Which is what.

Just blow a load man. This is a post. The age appropriate adult woman in front of me gets up from her cafe seat to stretch her hamstrings. She’s wearing ochre colored tent fabric overalls and her ass is fleshy and robust and you can sort of… telepathically feel the stretch making her ass crack split open and her sweaty asshole wink. Her fat beefy twat from behind. Soft folds of her belly fat that will look like repulsive tree fungus the exact instant after you fire forceful gouts of hot thick jism into her, fantasizing about the Schwarzenegger baby, and she wants to talk to you about some cute horseshit… I am just one of God’s animals. This is the way God made me. It must be part of His plan.

15 Responses to “Motherfucker”

  1. Choad August 31, 2019 at 3:09 pm #

    The first paragraph. It’s how we all knew a post was coming this month.
    You’re not going to miss a month. Hoping that continues for a while to come.

  2. Anonymous August 31, 2019 at 7:26 pm #

    Just become enough of a weeb to cosplay and go to a con where they have orgies and shit, you’re probably fit enough you could have your pick of females, there’s a 1/10 chance of them being trans but they sometimes have rooms or events catered to people losing their virginity.

  3. clit yeastwood August 31, 2019 at 9:29 pm #

    pee pee in bagina
    hah hah
    *clap clap*

  4. H August 31, 2019 at 11:33 pm #

    It’s been pretty fucking obvious to everyone but you that you’d grown out of this Delicious Tacos persona about a year ago. The fantastic writing was still there but your subconscious has just been larping the angsty self destructive DT shit ever since…well tbh I can’t remember when the last congruent post was but it was a long while ago. When you got your new job maybe? That was certainly a watershed. Whatever. So yeah, you grew and moved on, despite yourself. You just, finally, exited puberty. Well done.

    Time to kick DT in the head and become an adult mate. Shut the blog down and get on with whatever your life’s work is, and publish it under your own name. You’re easily the best male American author I’ve ever read and I’m including the greats of last century in that.

  5. Johnny Caustic September 1, 2019 at 1:32 pm #

    I just reread a quote by Pat Stedman, which I think is an apt response to “I’m too horny to live”:

    “Frame is downstream of your ability to cultivate and control your energy.

    And the biggest source of this energy is your sex drive.

    Thus if you are a slave to your libido, you will be a slave to women – especially beautiful women, who by nature create the most tension.”

    I think nature is calling upon you to grow now, and Pat is right about the direction you should aim to grow in.

    As for writing…I don’t doubt that whatever happened in Thailand and Cambodia is a great story, with or without your old-school DT style. Just write down what happened. It can’t possibly be boring, no matter how badly you write it. Don’t try to have a style. Just keep telling the truth and you’ll probably find a new style developing, befitting a man who is no longer the same man he was 5 years ago. I loved the old style, but you can’t let it hold you back.

  6. Peter Judenstein September 1, 2019 at 1:58 pm #

    You’re the greatest writer I’ve ever come across. I’m praying that you’ll finally have your breakthrough.

  7. Anonymous September 1, 2019 at 3:03 pm #

    Maybe you are finally growing the fuck up.

    About time.

  8. prince andrew September 1, 2019 at 11:02 pm #

    everything has been going sideways for the past couple years…can you feel it…i certainly can. we are all waiting for a big happening. a paradigm shift. doesn’t matter if you are pua or mgtow or volcel or incel or trad or fit or fat or lazy or neet or employed or rich or poor. we’re all bored. men are bored of women being whores or shrews or ice queens. husbands are tired and bored of their wives. wives are bored of their husbands. bfs are tired of their gfs and gfs are tired of their bfs. this is the calm before the storm. tacos is bored of writing, he’s bored of his own horniness, he’s bored of his job, he’s bored of his fans giving him unsolicited advice, he’s bored of his own identity. he’s bored of fucking or not fucking. when epstein was caught and then “died” we got a slight dopamine hit which quickly faded back into nothingness. and in this void there is an eerie silence before a massive earthquake, a big change. what that change will be, who knows. maybe ww3. maybe 2nd financial crisis. but we need something to happen or we’ll go insane from this mundane cycle of work, eat, shit, sleep, fuck (or don’t fuck), vacation or no-vacation.

    maybe we need some thought-leader like roosh to write his next books: don’t bang, and day pray. roosh’s diet is too high in veggies and grain so i can’t personally follow his advice. maybe we each need to go into nature, kill a deer, and eat its liver raw, like a wild wolf would, and then hang the carcass in a cave to dry-age. maybe we need to stop masturbating and start lap-swimming because it improves circulation and is the best cardio. who knows. i don’t. but i’ll try something different or go crazy from doing the same shit over and over again.

  9. K-hole September 2, 2019 at 1:22 am #

    I love you, DT. I’ll read your shit under any moniker. Have faith.

  10. prince andrew, supreme gentleman September 2, 2019 at 11:39 am #

    To nut…or not to Nut…that is the question.

  11. Anonymous September 2, 2019 at 10:06 pm #

    Oh man this is the good shit.

  12. Remoboth September 3, 2019 at 12:38 pm #

    If you no longer want to write, have you consideres transitioning media formats?
    A Delicious Tacos podcast, even just 30 minutes a week, may be an interesting venture.

  13. thrasymachus33308 September 4, 2019 at 3:06 pm #

    You don’t have to do this any more. Your life is your own. You don’t have a wife, you don’t have a family, you don’t have a mortgage or debt. We don’t deserve to be entertained by you. You probably shouldn’t bother. You have worthwhile things to say but you don’t have to say them, and especially you don’t have to say them here or in this format.

    Good luck dude. I appreciate your honesty.

  14. JEE September 4, 2019 at 8:32 pm #

    from personal experience, i can attest that the kundalini snake thing is rael.

  15. Nick Kerz September 5, 2019 at 11:59 pm #

    there’s a poetic nature to your short horny posts. i also like “the sugar daddy before me” and “what you’re up against”. my current source of entertainment is poetry. takes a while to find the type of poet you like but once you do, it’s quite enjoyable. imagine reading a book of poems, on your back porch, while the birds are chirping and the sun is shining.

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