National Lampoon’s Sex Addict Vacation

14 Sep

Pussy Bar Titties

This post is fictional.

You get to an age where bottoming out raw for $30 in a fat teenage Cambodian hooker with one long nipple hair doesn’t mean anything anymore. I’m powerless over my sex addiction. My life is unmanageable. What now.

STD tests come in today. Again. What if I have syphilis. Each sex act just a 6% chance of transmission. But she had white cream coming out of her pussy. Probably some spermicide she put in there. How many Cambodian farmhands are fucking her. What if. There are tons of XVideos with weirdly built black guys “pounding out dat creamy puzzy” on a perimenopausal white Texas housewife. So maybe it isn’t a symptom. But they all had jungle yeast infections. You could taste it.

She’s the one I’d have got an STD from. Get the results then calculate how far back I fucked her before I fuck my sugar baby if my sugar baby will even let me fuck her. She’s autistic. But I want to just date her without paying her. Or I don’t want to date her– I want her to want to date me instead of what she’s doing, which is asking for more money. What now.

**

Pattaya. Packs of Indians haggling hard with the fattest oldest street hookers they can find. Trying to run trains for $20 a head. This is who answers your tech support query. My left nut may be swollen. Or the vein, my varicoseal may be swollen and infected . Yet there is no heat, no tenderness on my scrotum. Maybe just asshole irritation from spicy Thai food spreading to my nuts. I slept last night, in spite of the loud bass karaoke filtering directly into my pool view window. Scorpions’ “Wind of Change,” repeatedly. When a Southeast Asian singer takes a sip of water, they’re wetting their whistle for “Wind of Change.” No exceptions.

I feel the inflammation spreading to my right nut. What if my nuts swell up and explode. What if I get elephantiasis in Thailand. How could I fly back. How could I be in a plane seat with my inflamed nuts. Maybe it’s just extra testosterone from the girls. Hormones from smelling their teenage cunt sweat. Their big temple carving titties.

I look 68 years old. Up till 3AM. Hours prowling around looking for the best cheapest hookers. They were in the last place I looked. I promised my AA sponsor I wouldn’t fuck raw. But I did stick the tip in with “Lucy,” who told me she couldn’t do longtime because she had an appointment with her brother. She’s from by Laos yet her brother’s in Pattaya. Huh.

She ran hooker game. Do you have girrfarend. You no have wife. Wanted to blackmail me probably. Kissing her and then her coyly trying to deflect me from eating her little pussy with the nice compact yet full muff of Southeast Asian pubic hair… getting horny again. Jack off. Don’t go have unprotected sex with hookers which I promised I wouldn’t do. Did I fuck up already. I mean I did also have protected sex. I didn’t force the whole pipe in playing just the tip. But I made a conscious effort to shoot my first drop of sperm in her. Gave her my Facebook so in case she gets pregnant the baby won’t grow up not knowing who the father is. They get abortions here anyway. This post is fiction.

**

Dear Chip,

I’m in Pattaya at a nice hotel. There’s a water slide and a giant aquarium. I was in Bangkok for one day, met up with some online friends, and got out. Too stressful/ urban, and felt just like Manila to me. Third world megalopolis.

Pattaya is a pretty big tourist city with beaches and prostitutes. The amount of prostitution is insane. It’s also a family tourist destination for people from Russia, China and the Middle East. So you see Chinese families with children taking guided tours of famous hooker streets where bikini girls are hustling outside bars called “Route 69”. A Chinese family eating dinner in a whorehouse.

I briefly experimented with the hooker scene (safely). It’s fun but there is a been there/ done that feeling. Like the Philippines, you see old sex tourists who look miserable. I do not want to end up like this.

Today I’m going to a Buddhist temple called the Sanctuary of Truth, then tomorrow to Koh Chang, an island with a big preserve featuring 10 foot aquatic monitor lizards as well as many bird species.

I’m praying every morning and am going to try to hit a Pattaya meeting today.

Sawasdee klap-

DT

sanctuary of truth

**

I have a fucking – like the flesh under my bottom lip is swollen on the left because I tried to pop a zit too early. Will it subside. Are these untreatable jungle infections that will cause my face and nuts to swell up and fall off, gangrenous. Is it making my face asymmetrical. Will it impede me from properly kissing hookers. Making out with them. God damn I’m disgusting. I’m downloading Facebook so I can accept the friend request I put into her phone at the bar and what.

Ok man. Relax. You got some sleep. You need water. Go to the beach. Fucking relax man. What if untreatable antibiotic resistant chlamydia from her pussy crawled up your dickhole and infected your nuts. Or – she had a herpe on her mouth. And she sucked your dick. And your immune system was repressed. At the same time if she were American I’d be asking her to marry me. I would marry her long soft cunt hairs.

Sweet Ass Bar

**

Dear Chip,

I’m in Koh Chang, or “Elephant Island,” so called bc it’s shaped like an Elephant’s head. First pic below is the view from my balcony, where there are big butterflies and golden birds. Also pictured: crocodile meat skewer. A little tough and fishy.

Yesterday I took a “motorbike” (scooter) to about where the road ends on the southern tip of the island. Went up to an inland waterfall. Checked out the three beach towns, some scenic vistas, then came back for an ocean swim. The waves are rough so it’s more like body surfing. Today I went on an elephant ride. Saw a cool bird and a monkey and lots of butterflies. The elephant ahead of mine got pissed off at a stray dog and started trumpeting and raging. You understand on a very deep level that even though this is a domesticated animal, if it gets pissed, you are fucked. They take you to a cool clean mountain river where the elephant wades and dunks you and sprays you with its trunk. My elephant was a female named Dao, very serene. I got to ride her for a bit without the trainer. Her head was about the size of a recliner.

Have also been getting great massages, eating very spicy food and tropical fruit, etc. very relaxing. Meditated and prayed on Dao’s back in an old rubber plantation with the trees in neat rows.

Sawasdee klap-

DT

koh chang beach

**

Want to go back to “Bang Bar” and short time Osi with the big fat juicy ass. I don’t want to fuck her– I shouldn’t– it hurt to piss in the river– I saw a red bump, a tiny genital wart like red bump on my dick in the Elephant Camp toilet. I realized I was powerless over my sex addiction, and my life was unmanageable. But I want to go to Bang Bar and short time Osi. Last night she was booked with those two fat Australians. Mass shooter types.

Tonight I have the bathtub room. I’ll take a bath with fat ass Osi. Looks like she has weird titties. Weird tiny teeth. If she’s not working- I mean, I’ll go get something to eat, putt around the north side of the island. Check out the mangroves and fishing village. Beat off now so you don’t cum too fast. So you’re not so god damn horny making bad decisions. Go to deserted beaches. Osi Osi Osi.

**

Dear Chip,

Good morning. I’m still in Koh Chang, here for one more day. Taking a bus to Angkor Wat tomorrow. I’m gonna take it easy today. I have a nice hotel room with a bathtub and the hot water works, and I’m gonna chill out and listen to the monkeys fight out back and get a massage. The monkey dispute seems serious. They’re chasing each other through the trees at high speeds and screaming.

Yesterday I took the scooter to the far reaches of the undeveloped side of the island. Visited a fishing village and mangrove forest. My foot hit some grass and was instantly covered in huge red ants that were extremely pissed off. In the Amazon the ants can kill you, so I wondered: is it the same way in Thailand. Is my foot about to swell up to the size of a log out in the boonies. Will a kindly old Thai woman have some herb that can save my life. But it turns out the bites only hurt at first, then do nothing. Good news!

Wildlife sightings include: several monkeys, incredible gigantic sea eagle, cool crabs, and an insane variety of breathtaking butterflies.

Hope you’re good—

DT

hotel room view

**

Cambodian money changers scammed me at the border and I thought: these people deserved their genocide. But the money changer at LAX fucked me just as much.

40 years ago every smart person was brutally murdered. 25 years ago another war, they can’t count how many killed. The same president 35 years. A Khmer Rouge officer. Everyone my age 4′ 10″ from malnutrition. There are no old people. They all took a pickaxe to the back of the head, standing on the lip of their mass grave.

Massage massage, she said– three dollah. I get up to a hot room where another guy groans behind curtains…. lie down naked with my pants under my face so she can’t steal my phone. I feel six hands on my ass. I roll over.

What—

Special sir– we give (jerkoff motion), one hundred dollah for each—

NO– and the guy next door just groans again—

Twenty dollah—

Wait– how old are those girls? Are they 18? What is the law here. Their fingers made two V’s. 22. We take off clothe you touch—

NO, I said. Picturing four foot ten police storming in. $1,000 for the raping a minor fine or dig my own grave for the SKS butt to the head. The girls were squirting oil all over me from the oil and vinegar bottles they use at a cheap Italian restaurant with their hot hands swarming over my cock. Their little tits out. Still saying NO as I ejaculate like a fire hydrant a car slammed into. I got raped. But I’d do it again. That’s Cambodia.

**

Dear Chip,

I’m in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I took a van here from Koh Chang. The official tour van staff robbed the entire van with a fraudulent money exchange scam! I lost $75. When I realized what had happened I got pissed and had to contemplate my resentment. My part was: not researching common Cambodian scams before coming here. I felt stupid and I’m still trying not to let it color my view of Cambodian people. They had a genocide and only the hustlers lived.

Siem Reap is full of tourists going to Angkor Wat (or Angkor Tom, the name of the city complex). I understand why Cambodian people want to rob them. The streets are full of hustlers trying to pull some scam on you. They get you out in the middle of nowhere in their Tuk Tuk motorbike taxi and demand huge $$$ to take you back. I went to get a massage for $3 (it said this on the sign), got upstairs to the room, asked how much, she said $9. Then as I’m getting massaged another girl comes in and starts massaging me. Then another. The new girls looked young. I left.

After that I went to a bar and chatted up a girl who I’m supposed to hang out with later. We’ll see.

Today I went to Angkor Tom and had a day of prayer and meditation in the temples. I left the main temple complex and found a couple empty ancient buildings. Then I helped a distressed horse get her rope untangled.

Tomorrow- don’t know! Maybe fly to Chiang Mai.

Best,

DT

Angkor cropped

**

She dropped out of school in fifth grade. It was fuck me or work on the farm. In the girly bar they played a Youtube video of a band called Cambodian Space Project. A woman doing temple dances over psychedelic rock for hipsters in Berlin. Then more Scorpions. A hooker who looked 16 with a bright white cooling pad on her forehead sang along exactly like Klaus Meine:

Love
Only love
Can BRIIING BAACK YOUR LOOOOOOOVE someday…

30 to fuck her and that’s because I’m a terrible negotiator. White stuff coming out of her pussy. Whatever it was I’m still clean. Straight men can’t get STDs. I came in her ass crack because she was too fat to impregnate and send $200 a month. This post is fiction.

**

Dear Chip,

My date turned out to want to exchange money for sex, rather than going on a date and teaching me about Cambodia. Cambodia is a wreck- they had the Khmer Rouge kill half the people, then another war in the 90’s. You feel it in anyone over a certain age.

Filipino people seem naturally joyful. Thai people are hustlers but essentially cool/ friendly. Cambodian people run the gamut. Some are cold hardasses, thieves and scammers, and then the younger people who didn’t grow up in wartime are more mellow. I took a walk along the river and asked two hot women about a termite mound. They were polite/ friendly but spoke no English and had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. In the Philippines they would have tried to date me. People here are not especially excited to see Americans (and I don’t blame them).

Even in the temples you see this place has constantly been at war. Buddhists built the temples, Hindus came and cut the heads off the Buddhas, Buddhists beat the Hindus back and now the Buddhas have new heads. You feel it meditating here. This is a place that needs to heal. It’s beginning to. The women all go to the park at night to do dance aerobics to Khmer pop music and the little girls try to dance along as best they can and it’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.

I checked out the King’s residence in Siem Reap and walked around an old colonial French neighborhood which was NICE. Would have been cool to be an evil white colonialist back in the day. Walked around in the park near the canal and there were trees filled with GIANT SCREAMING BATS. Like 3 foot wingspan flying fox type bats. The best wildlife sighting of the trip so far- I have always wanted to see macrobats. They did not disappoint!

Had a couple nice swims in the hotel pool and have enjoyed some Khmer cuisine. Tomorrow, Chiang Mai, Thailand.

Hope you’re good—

Best,

DT

Angkor Tom 2

**

She was bleeding on the sheets. You have pely-id, I said.

No, is only second time. My real age is…

100% LEGAL, she said, and winked at the camera.

I was really railing her hard, in revenge for making me wear a condom. This legal adult fictional bar girl. Not a prostitute. Cash was paid to compensate her workplace for her absence. Not transacted in exchange for an act of sexual gratification. An entertainer drinking in a legitimate establishment, where I played Connect Four and Jenga with her and a dwarf whore and another girl who admitted she was 17. How old you, I asked my girl. What your age. Her fingers made two V’s, 22. Outside on the street a ten year old wearing a shirt that said 69 sold brooms.

She didn’t like me. Even before the sex. Not like Narong in Pattaya who said very seriously please come inside. Yesina in Koh Chang with the motorbike scars on her knees who flicked me in the balls so my eyes watered. Ran off with my keycard laughing so I’d have to chase her into the lobby naked. She was more like the Soapland girl, where the only thing that made me cum was the hate in her eyes.

**

Dear Chip,

Yesterday I went on a tour of Doi Inthanon National Park, where I stood on top of the highest mountain in Thailand. I saw several incredible waterfalls, breathtaking rain forest scenery, and a venomous jungle snake- the green pit viper. This park is also home to Karen tribe refugees from Burma, and I got to drink their home grown coffee in their village. The Karens are the people from National Geographic where the women stack brass rings around their necks to make them really long. One of the Karen women (no neck rings sadly) asked for a picture with me, and touched my butt while we were posing- I STILL GOT IT.

I also got a “soapy” massage, which was a hilariously anti-erotic experience. This is the kind of place you see in movies where the girls sit behind a window wearing numbers and you pick a number. The girl then gives you a bath. I’ll spare you the rest but I’m never doing it again.

Today I took the bike to the Mae Sa valley, where I visited the Siam Insect Zoo (awesome insects), drove through some cool mountain villages, visited the national botanical gardens of Thailand, and stopped at a remote restaurant in the forest for some pork soup.

Saying prayers every day. Grateful to be sober.

See you soon!

DT

Green insect

**

How much can you write about hookers. I’m impersonating myself. Did you use condoms, my sponsor asked. Yes. Then I didn’t. I had to cum. If they let me cum in them, by God I gave them gallons. If not I stayed in just long enough but not quite. Small but nonzero chance they took a drop. I need to think I’m getting someone pregnant.

What I liked was riding an elephant in the mountains. Straddling her recliner sized head as the mahout who hits her skull with a hammer took 100 pictures for my online dating profile. It’s unethical, another tourist told me on Tinder. The elephants should run free. They do have ethical elephant farms. Places you can’t ride them. They use the same elephants from the camp where they beat them. I felt bad when they put her back in chains. I’m sorry.

I feel bad now back in chains my fucking self. Thinking about work on a Saturday. One way or another, we all take the hammer.

12 Responses to “National Lampoon’s Sex Addict Vacation”

  1. Nikolai Vladivostok September 14, 2019 at 11:21 pm #

    Sometimes I think we’d all be happier if we got married, bought a house in the suburbs and had 2.4 kids. Didn’t swear in front of them. Every time someone jokes about sex, murmur ‘little ears’. Have barbecues on weekends exclusively for other friends with kids, or maybe invite that brother-in-law who’s been dating the same fat white girl for two years. Talk about property prices and PTO gossip. Which teachers are gay, using the term ‘confirmed bachelor’ so the children don’t understand, like it’s 1985.
    But I suspect this is no longer an option for any of us. Who would we marry in our home countries? From now on it would have to be a Filippina ten years your junior who looks five years your senior. Who you have to explain to no, Christmas is in summer in Australia. But never take her home because otherwise she’ll divorce you and steal your stuff. Perhaps that is as far from degeneracy as we can get.
    Could be worse. Some blokes had to fight in wars.
    As for the protagonist of this story, if he were a real person and a friend of mine I’d advise him to be careful about putting himself in proximity to temptation if he knows he cannot control himself. And if he does slip up in certain ways, to avoid yelling it to the uncaring heavens. Further, I note with interest that he can frequent bars without being tempted by alcohol yet is unable to resist other hazards to his physical and moral well-being. That’s an interesting character you’ve created there.

    • dickycone September 15, 2019 at 9:24 pm #

      I’ve already told you that Latinas who go to church are the only hope. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it to Tacos or not, so I’m repeating it here.

      • Nikolai Vladivostok September 15, 2019 at 10:04 pm #

        I’m dating a Filippina who goes to 7th Day Adventist church but she complains when I copulate with her for more than three minutes. It’s tough out there.

  2. Icey September 15, 2019 at 11:06 am #

    This post exemplified everything both right and wrong about you.

    The entire beginning was Peak Tacos. Some of the funniest shit you ever read.

    But right after you announced that the post was self parody, (which made no sense when you announced it because the prior writing hadn’t struck me that way at all and your self-condemning “My one stuff sucks” attitude actually made me feel kinda dumb for thinking it was good)…. your post became self parody.

    Crazy stories are cool. Equivocating the moral struggles of you, a hooker, and a caged elephant is just IN SUCH BAD TASTE ITS TRULY UNREAL.

    If you delete the whole last section , this will be one of your best posts. That last section leaves a REALLY BAD TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH man.

  3. Normie September 15, 2019 at 1:10 pm #

    Fuck the last comment, is that you Sonya?

    I’d rather have a shotgun wedding in mexico and be forced to have a family in prison than be single in the first world forever. Just want to sleep with titties in my face more regularly than winning at a casino.

  4. Samsung Indian Man September 16, 2019 at 10:54 am #

    yo dt review my writing

    Not Interested
    I can’t write. I can’t think. I wake up horny and thinking about her. Stalking her online. Is this normal. I could tell her I was doing exactly this and she wouldn’t care. She would gawk and her eyes would go wide and she’d laugh a little, but she wouldn’t care. Why can’t she say NO. Why can’t she act offended, Why can’t she punish me, Why can’t she REJECT ME. You could fuck me over in court with the things I’ve said to you. The things I’ve done to you. Even socially, you could make my life hell at least until I graduated. I just want a sliver of that, a pinch. Just enough where I would be able to cut my losses and move on.
    I’m not going to learn.

    I used to pray for things. I used to pray to be taller, to be smarter, to enlargen my already large dick. Now when I pay I ask God to make me what He needs me to be. I figure this is more humble, but really I just don’t trust what I want anymore. Maybe if I was taller I would somehow end up getting shot where otherwise a bullet would miss me. Maybe if I was smarter I would overthink a problem that would be more easily solved if I wasn’t. Maybe if I had a bigger dick all of the blood would flow out from my body to my giant erection and kill me. God must know better, so I will let him decide for me.

    She’s in my first class but today we have some activity so I can’t sit next to her. I want to feel her body on mine, I want to feel her warmth and feel her breath, even if it’s just her thigh or her knee against mine. I could have another girl, I could have PUSSY RIGHT NOW but it wouldn’t matter unless it was you. Class is done, and I walk you to your next one even though it will always make me late to mine. I tell you about my weekend and you tell me about yours. You tell me about the couples massage you went to with your boyfriend and how the masseuse was some smelly, hairy, scumbag and how the massage wasn’t that good. You’d let a smelly, hairy stranger fondle your ass in front of your boyfriend but you wouldn’t let me do it to you alone. At least I asked.
    So I tell her about the other girls I’ve been looking at as some sort of fucked-up peace offering even though if the choice was between fucking you but also dying and fucking one of them I’d probably pick the former, sans-depression. They’re prettier and cuter and have better figure and bigger tits than you. But, regardless, the idea of spitting in your mouth and giving you a deep tonguey kiss and pushing all seven point five plus inches of myself into you while you make all of the noises that you do and the expressions that you do takes an almost divine prioritization over anything else, in my mind. I’ve asked and you told me that you wouldn’t hoe yourself out to me. What kind of response is that.
    We get to her class, so I begin to backtrack to mine. I’m that prayer under my breath to the beat to my pace. Please. God. Make. Me. What. You. Need. Me. To. Be. Please. God. Make. Me. What I. Need. To. Be.

    Class is boring so I spend the whole time on my phone browsing twitter. I leave and I meet her again while getting food. We both have an hour before our next class and I thank/curse God. We sit down and the small talk begins. I’m talking in a tone like Patrick Bateman while discussing classes and cracking jokes about jacking off to pictures of her on Instagram. She rolls her eyes and laughs and for a second I wonder if she knows I’m serious and she’s just ignoring me or she just thinks I’m joking. I move closer to her in a way that makes my intentions obvious. Over the next thirty minutes I watch her slowly move away from me.
    It’s been over a year and I still can’t tell that she simply isn’t interested.

    • Choad September 17, 2019 at 6:37 pm #

      * clicks the like button *
      * takes screenshot to read again later and laugh over again *

      This was really enjoyable to read. But you asked for DT’s review, so, ignore i said this was really enjoyable to read.

      But Lord, i thought i could sometimes write in ways that vaguely resemble DT’s, and now turns out i can’t even write as well as someone who’s probably trying to write as well as DT.

      Which is just great.

    • dickycone September 17, 2019 at 10:05 pm #

      Since the other guy replied, it was pretty good. If your writing was a band people would probably say it sounds like Black Sabbath.

  5. anon September 16, 2019 at 7:59 pm #

    List of things to do instead of being a pathetic pussy-obsessed coomer:

    1. take scuba diving lessons, then when you are good enough, go spear fishing, go hand-dive for sea urchins, scallops, lobsters, etc.
    2. learn to shoot, buy a simple beginner’s gun, practice at the range, eventually go hunt
    3. learn to woodwork, then next time you need a chair, table, or even something small like a wall-key valet, go and make it yourself
    4. start your own gay little blog. you can get a free one with wordpress like dt and heartiste did. start there. don’t even need to pay for a domain. start writing. no one will read it, at first, but as you get better, you can share it or people will eventually find it somehow. writing is therapeutic because it’s like you are talking to yourself. it’s like going to therapy but instead of talking with your mouth to some overpaid shrink, you are talking to yourself. 7.5 years ago, dt started a blog. now he’s making a cool $2K per month from book sales, which pays his rent and helps reduce financial anxiety. you never know what can happen.
    5. learn some fighting skills. take some martial arts classes if you believe in those. boxing. whatever it is. just learn it and get good at it. one day it might come in handy.
    6. get off the computer and go outside. simply go for a walk. summer is ending. before you know it, it’ll be fall, then winter and you’ll be freezing your nuts off. better enjoy the warmth now while it’s there.
    7. learn how to draw and paint. doodle whatever you want. things you can’t see in real life. things that are beautiful or whatnot.
    8. go for a drive. long or short. road-trip or just across town. see something you haven’t seen before. go someplace new, different.

    self-improvement for the sake of your own enjoyment and entertainment….it is good…even if it doesn’t make you any “money” or get you any “pussy” in the long run. who cares. imagine eating a fresh-caught fish or scallop, instead of the frozen shit from grocery stores. imagine painting and finishing a work of art you can hang in your home. these are things we miss out on when we get stuck in the MUH DICK mindset. life is passing you by each moment as you obsess over “that girl” or “that one time i didn’t do ___”.

    Feel free to add your own ideas, interests and activities. I am not trying to tell anyone what to do, these are just ideas…alternatives.

    • Sanjay September 17, 2019 at 9:07 am #

      SHUT THE FUCK UP
      I NEED TO COOM NOW AAAHHHH
      PLS VISHNU GIVE ME GIRLFRIEND

  6. Matt September 18, 2019 at 1:46 am #

    I love how the most memorable (fictitious) thing about Pattaya is the Indians haggling with old hookers on the beach which only happens about 900 times per night

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  1. Word from the Dark Side – sugar daddies, the military industrial complex and sex addicts in Asia | SovietMen - September 19, 2019

    […] What happens when a sex addict goes on holiday to South East Asia. […]

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