I am white, tall, college-educated, and of above average intelligence. I am gainfully employed, and own an automobile.*  I have what I estimate to be between eight and thirteen percent body fat and am capable of bench pressing substantially more than my own weight. I am not bald. I do not have adult acne.  I do not have micropenis.  While I am not exactly Brad Pitt, under generous lighting conditions a drunk woman might conclude that she would have sex with me.  Still, I live alone. Each night I return to my squalid one bedroom apartment, pound a couple shots of cheap brandy,* and pleasurelessly beat off to into a dirty T shirt while my cat looks on. Once I accidentally ejaculated on his ear.

I work eleven thankless hours every day at a job where every second is like a thousand lifetimes of slamming your dick in a car door, and then I have to do more research and reading, for work, and I have to go to drinks or some other jerkoff “networking” activity for work with someone who is neither going to meaningfully advance my career nor have sex with me, and then drive home in my cold wet car with only the sound of the various things that are about to break to entertain me, since my radio was stolen by Mexicans—or rather, my radio was stolen by someone of indeterminate ethnicity– anyway, after this I have about forty five minutes of “me time” to do whatever else the full range of activities in life entails.*  Food. Art. Literature. Friends. That type of shit.

For occasional companionship, I date women off the internet.  I search through profiles until I find one with no cosmetic birth defects who is at least ten years younger than me and has basic communications skills.  This is the hard part.  Then I send her a message and if she responds, I ask for her phone number. If that comes through I take her on a date to a bar that’s walking distance from my place where they serve special boutique beers that have undetectably higher-than-normal alcohol content.  Three of these will get any girl besides Marion from Raiders of the Lost Ark well into the fuck zone, and if she’s enough of a drunk to handle them she’s going to fuck you anyway.  I take them back to my house and have unprotected sex with them, and then never speak to them again.  At some point in the process I was actually looking for true love, but it’s become so streamlined now– almost industrial.  An assembly line. It’s such a perfect system that I don’t want to fuck with it by actually getting to know someone.

So that’s my deal.  Join me for my adventures.  Or don’t, I don’t give a fuck.

* No longer true

30 Responses to “About”

  1. Mary February 25, 2012 at 7:27 pm #

    I am here to tell you you I really enjoy your writing, quite a lot. 🙂 But then I’m also horrified by some of the subject matter…talking about sleeping with other girls while simultaneously dating your ‘future wife’, but even here in your bio, the bit about internet dating…it makes me scared/sad that many men think this way but don’t reveal it! At least you’re honest…but I also am praying you’re joking a bit? Especially about the unprotected sex part..please be joking. Anyway…you surely know, but you’re a wonderful writer. Keep that up! 😉

    • Ben April 3, 2012 at 7:46 pm #

      Mary wants your non-micro-penis,

    • NeedyBoy September 15, 2013 at 12:07 am #

      No, Mary… He’s not really kidding. In the final analysis we really don’t know quite What is in his demented pea-picking brain, but logic dictates that if he’s talking about it, he’s embracing that also. Just like he embraces his …., you know what, often and with ferocity, too.

      I’ll bet he even gets dry rub burns on it some times! Stands to reason!

      If it talks like a duck, and it walks like a duck, it’s a motherfucking duck!

      And the unprotected sex part! Gurl, didn’t your sex education teacher explain this to you? Guys are PROGRAMMED to have and want unprotected sex! It’s hard code! Mind that well! We want you to be pregnant with our seed!

      So it’s got to be your job, without a fucking doubt, your sacred duty, to take birth control into your life as the religion that will save you from unwanted pregnancy. Not me, You! The pill is your salvation, for better, for worse… Hand to God.

  2. Another Mary June 26, 2012 at 9:55 pm #

    I’m here because of your comment concerning your balls from the blowjob article. Cracked me up. I like your writing.

  3. superawesomemovieblog June 30, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

    It’s probably pretty patholical that I have a crush on you strictly from reading this blog.

  4. dramafreepaul October 20, 2012 at 5:12 pm #

    Just came across your blog. It was very entertaining. I look forward to reading your future posts.

  5. Brian Mark November 14, 2012 at 8:44 pm #

    So far what I’ve read is pretty funny. Keep up the good work!

  6. Blazing Shark February 9, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    We should meet. Email me.

  7. Ruxman April 10, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    I keep seeing delicious tacos all over twitter and other blogs, had to see what was going on.

  8. dannyfrom504 April 22, 2013 at 4:27 pm #

    welcome to my Radar kid. i’m digging this. mind if i link you? bill and privateman sent me here. i too game my female readers. it’s amazing how easy it is.

    stay up.

    • delicioustacos April 24, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

      I would be delighted to be linked. And thank you for your kind words.

      • dannyfrom504 April 24, 2013 at 2:18 pm #

        i give credit where credit is due Hermano. welcome to the roll. lol.

  9. Raul Felix April 26, 2013 at 4:20 pm #

    Mexicans did steal your car radio. I know, I am one and that’s how we roll.

  10. Steven Flavell May 23, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

    I love your writing. I like to read authors like Palahniuk and Brett Ellis. You are spot on! I hope you compile this content into a book or two. I would read it.

  11. HELLO FROM THE GUTTER August 6, 2013 at 7:31 pm #

    You just need a little Overkill, Slayer, Anthrax and maybe some Iron Fucking Maiden.

  12. Marneymae September 2, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

    if you are so anti-getting-herpes, why are you having unprotected sex?

  13. milena October 30, 2013 at 12:36 pm #

    you got a reader from bugaria, moved back three years ago after 17 years in la and 20 in the states. your writing reminded me of the violent and beautiful loneliness of living in los angeles – i’ll always love it. i had many friends there, but something was missing. thank you.
    got to your blog through “sinus infections and coke:)
    strange it is to be connected to a life no longer lived through google.
    one world, one self destruction.
    be well.

  14. jack4510 November 29, 2013 at 11:20 am #

    Just discovered this blog. Great writing. I’m a member from barebacking anonymous myself. I got the claps umpteen times, never got Aids though. I’m sure herpes has something to do with shaving. I have cold sores (herpes around the mouth). Every time I shave I get an outbreak. The herpes pandemic has as much to do with the (regrettable) shaving trend in women than with anything else.

  15. Needyboy November 29, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

    Ok, so you’re saying that cleanly shaven women promotes oral sex which promotes herpes spread? Or that your barebacking has lead you to numerous cases of gonorrhea?

    Interesting herr doktor!

    Isn’t it also possible a lot has to do with your choices of situations or partners?

    And for the record, I hate condoms as well.

    • jack4510 November 30, 2013 at 2:39 am #

      Speaking for myself an unshaven pussy is no obstacle to my going down, but my point is another one. The medical wisdom is that the herpes virus gets reawakened by UV radiation. Shaving removes facial hair needed to screen off UV radiation, so you get an outbreak after shaving. However, having noticed I got outbreaks that started overnight after shaving in the evening, I’ve come to surmise the trigger (the “cue” used by the virus to come out of dormancy) might be the shaving proper rather then sun rays. This would also explain the herpes pandemic in countries where women shave their pussies. By the same token, there might be more wisdom than meets the eye in the Muslim custom of keeping body and facial hair intact in women and men. A study of herpes prevalence in Muslim countries could yield interesting results but it would be difficult to control for the cultural factor. Of course female and male hair also act as a barrier to acquired (secondary) homosexuality (through connection with body smell).

  16. sekkitabs January 24, 2014 at 11:27 pm #

    Your writing resembles that little douche-y voice in my head before I squash it and proceed to my socially acceptable online writing. Don’t stop writing, even when you get a new job, because somebody’s got to echo that voice in my head after all.

  17. Hosswire June 21, 2014 at 11:15 pm #

    I live in LA too. Also write. Am 11 years sober. Also kind of fucked up about how liking chicks chases them away.

    If you ever wanna hit a meeting, talk about shit, I’m glad to listen.

  18. East Afric October 15, 2014 at 4:35 am #

    I think this is the writer on you tube.

    • Marcus Harris January 31, 2016 at 10:52 pm #

      This is freakin’ awesome, he should do more videos!

  19. hoss December 24, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

    I think I’m in love with you.

  20. Jen January 4, 2015 at 3:40 am #

    Wow.. nice writing skill. I saw you on OKCupid. You seem amazing so I don’t understand why you feel lonely and sad. You are a great guy. I would love to have you! 😉

  21. deadwing December 9, 2016 at 4:07 pm #

    I end up going back to my pitiful life feeling better from your words. Often, this is after laughing outloud, which really doesn’t happen elsewhere just from reading.

    You can see this in many shitty, tryhard comments that are somehow secreted onto your site, but you inspire the rest of us peasants to try and reach the bar you set. You write the raw and fucked up thoughts we think. For every long-winded reply actually submitted, there is a shadowy mass of loners relating to your writing but unable to offer anything in return. But I say thank you.

  22. 3diablo2016 December 15, 2016 at 10:52 pm #

    This is the pinnacle of the fucking internet.

  23. Brendan June 13, 2017 at 7:06 pm #

    Your confrontational cynicism inspired me to write this in the About Me section of Plenty of Fish. I think it would be pretty rad to fuck chicks by trolling them, either way it was 30min well spent!

    Without further adieu:

    I’m a flat broke writer at the moment and joined this site for entertainment value. I often hear the old saying “the more things change the more they stay the same.” I guarantee you, since the last time I was on here the pretentiousness has metastasized. The same duck face selfies, downward angle cleavage shots, gym spandex butt shots, and predictable travel photos abound. I find the dearth of originality demoralizing, yet, familiar. As you read through this I hope a cold shiver goes up your spine. I hope you feel utter indignation at what I’m writing because you secretly know that spinsterhood awaits those with unreasonably high standards.

    I’m legitimately well read, and unlike the career academics here I don’t require excessive academic titles to pad my fragile ego. Writing is taken up by fringe dwellers and outcasts. At this point I’m still toiling away in obscurity until a distinctly resonant voice emerges. I doubt you would get me, my sense of humor is purely abstract and very dark. I’m fascinated by the grammar and syntax of Ancient High Sumerian and the other Uggaritic languages. I believe that to those who discover the secrets of this world, passage to infinitude is granted.

    On this site I see a multitude of girls pretending to be women. Even worse I see even more “women” pretending to be men. That fact that you shoot, drink beer, and do crossfit and pride yourself on your inherent lack of femininity is pathetic. Rome is crumbling and you are cheering on the elements hastening its’ ignominious demise. Feminism is the greatest crock of sh*t foisted upon the west in the past century. We aren’t equals, and sex certainly isn’t a function of socialization.

    If you’ve read to this point, you may in fact know me a little better. If you want a partner, I ain’t it. I’m just another soul who was stuffed into a meat suit groping around for enlightenment.

    P.S. If you actually want to be successful at dating do these things:

    – Work out (no dudes like fat chicks)
    – Be pleasant (your opinions are stupid, ill informed, and poorly researched like most women’s)
    – Lose the sarcasm (don’t conflate being a **** with being funny)
    – Quit bragging about travelling! (just because your dad footed the bill doesn’t make you worldly)

    Oh yeah, I totally forgot this observation – does every last one of you sheep have to have a goddamned dog!? Congrats! Nature intended you to have at least 3 or 4 human children you love dearly by the time 30 rolls around. But your empowered ass opted for a masters degree, a cornucopia of zoloft and some mongrel mutt instead.


  1. Tag Team Reader Mailbag: Getting Young Girls Drunk « delicioustacos - January 25, 2013

    […] About […]

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