Make Up To Zero Dollars A Week On Your Computer, Without Leaving Home

27 Mar

E-commerce

A DUDE asks:

I was reading your hilarious OKCupid Opener post, and was thinking that if I’d sent you a dollar for every time your blog made me laugh out loud, you would have a nice little side income.

There must be other people who feel this way. Have you ever considered some sort of subscription service? Maybe, like, a $3 a month for some sort of premium content?

Thank you for your kind words. Many people have suggested I “monetize” this site, or my work in general, and I have thought about it.

But: let me tell you a secret. Nobody reads this blog. Nobody. Nobody reads anything in life except S & M fantasies about rich corporate overlords and children’s literature about vampires not fucking. Nobody reads anything on the internet except shit about Justin Bieber and how one of the political parties is trying to DESTROY THIS GREAT COUNTRY with the latest minor tweak to some obscure law. Or about how the Jews did 9/11. Or how everything is rape culture and also there need to be more plus sized clothing stores. A few people read web sites about men trying to have sex with women but 5 guys have that space sooooo covered, and they make minimum wage after ten years of work. This site is a niche of a niche of a niche. People who would be happier if they turned off the computer and went to the library and checked out books by Charles Bukowski, but don’t want to get up. That’s my audience. There are thousands of you, but, thousands isn’t money.

A reader is worth a thousandth of a thousandth of a thousandth of a penny that Google Ads keeps half of. And you get that atom of copper by flashing giant loud colorful ads for Single Christian Women Over 50 with a tiny gray x to “close” in the corner that opens a full screen pop up for more bullshit. Suddenly you don’t have thousands of readers anymore.

Nobody makes money off the internet. Maybe camwhores, and five dudes who spent ten years fiendishly optimizing their sites to get search traffic for “Best Camping Lanterns” or “Top Value in Lawn and Leaf Bags.” And then Google tweaks their search formulas and their life’s work is gone. Some writers are paid by other sites to create content but that’s a trifling amount. And even that’s going away. One guy in the entire world is a professional blogger running his own site. That’s Andrew Sullivan; he writes about politics in a way that lets people who shop at Whole Foods get even more angry at Dick Cheney. He gets a million unique visitors a month. He’s been doing it for twenty years. It would take a lot longer for this scatterbrained Livejournal shit to accrue even a tenth of that audience.

I am too old to stick a dildo up my ass on camera for gays to jerk off, so, I will not be making money off the internet. I will have to get a day job. Because I don’t want to string together a niggardly living “freelancing,” telling Single Christian Women Over 50 how to find romance online where you can’t say “fuck.” I don’t want chase traffic by inflaming men who hate women or women who hate men or people who think the Jews did 9/11 or any other partisan jackoffs who click on troll articles that tell no truth, that help no one, that only exist in the faint hope of getting linked on Jezebel and starting a flame war with Lindy West. NOT to disparage those guys– I read those sites and love them. I read Jezebel and the Man-o-sphere and I comment on both things but it’s been so done, it’s done to death every day. What is Lindy West’s life like, getting paid to be a robot whose work is like a book opening in chess– she and her imaginary opponent know all the moves and are just sleepwalking to the conclusion. Inside her is an intelligent person with nuanced opinions. A person who could write about her crazy life or just reveal her inner universe and make a novel that finally told me what it was like to be a woman. But, making the fat girls angry pays. Making unlaid men angry gets views. Nothing else gets noticed. So you become a feminist, and not a writer. A men’s rights activist, and not a writer. A professional victim-booster on a battlefield that means nothing to no one, but people like to pick a side and complain. Maybe they’ll click through and buy some Spanx.

And even if I wanted to do any of the paid shit, I am un fucking hirable. Remember all those posts where I talk about wanting to fuck 15 year old girls? Remember all the racist shit, the fat bashing shit, the shit about how women past the age of 33 are withered unfuckable crones? Guess who’s in charge of handing out online writing jobs. Fat withered unfuckable crones who spend eight hours per day rooting out that kind of shit to ruin their enemies. Or at least, whiny pussies. Unless Taki Whoeverthefuck comes calling, no one is gonna pay me. I bet even Jim Goad can’t make a living.

Plus, my life just isn’t of interest. You gotta be a Genderqueer Girl Gamer of Color™ receiving W.O.W. chat death threats or you have to be an ex marine gonzo reporting in Somalia and survive a land mine blast by tying your leg back on with your own intestines. No editor wants to be pitched some aging white jerkoff’s story about how he almost got laid but played Skyrim instead. Or you gotta have advice: Six Great Unexpected First Dates; Top Ten Tricks to Make Money Online. I’m not qualified to tell anybody how to fucking do anything. I can barely wipe my ass.

And finally: what about donations and subscriptions and etc. Well, thank you, thank you so much, to all the people who sent in donations. There were a bunch of you. But– I don’t want to keep hitting people up. Frankly, I feel like you all are doing me a fucking favor reading this shit. Commenting on it, spreading it around. Your page view on my stats bar is enough to ask of you. Your comment is more than enough. Your tweeting my shit, posting it on forums, on reddit, wherever, is WAY more than enough. God knows I don’t do that for anybody else. I am fucking GRATEFUL that you even sat through 2500 words of shit that could have used three more edits. Because when I read real writers– Uncle Hank and Joan Didion and Michel Houellebecq and Vladimir Nabokov and David Foster Wallace and etc. and etc. and etc., I am SHAMED. I cannot for the life of me fathom why people are reading my jerkoff ass instead of going to the library where these great minds are all there for fucking FREE.

I like writing. I do it for free and if I had to pay to fucking do it, I would cough up the dough. I like it because I can say “fuck” and I don’t have to take some editor’s pre-prepared stand on a Gluten Free Lifestyle™ or Adria Richards™ or The 40 Hottest Women in Tech™ . No one with money is buying the good shit. They are selling what sells. Could YOU be sexually harassed at a gaming convention? Would YOU get it on with the 10 Hottest United States Congresswomen? Is bottled water making YOUR children autistic? Details at 11.

Fuck that noise. I’m gonna work 9-5 at some job where you clock out and don’t think about it again for one second. I’m gonna come home and try to crank out good shit and give it away for free.  Or if I ever finish a book you can buy it for ninety nine cents.

Even that’s asking too much.

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29 Responses to “Make Up To Zero Dollars A Week On Your Computer, Without Leaving Home”

  1. No Homo March 27, 2013 at 5:24 pm #

    Will you link us when you change your mind and decide to shove dildos up your ass on cam for money?

  2. Mark March 27, 2013 at 5:47 pm #

    Your reasons for why you don’t try to monetize your expletive-laden ramblings are far more amusing than any possible explanation imaginable by those click-chasing tools who choose to do so.

  3. Another Mary March 27, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

    I get why you wouldn’t want money for your writing here, but I’d cough up the dough. I’m afraid one of these days you’ll get sick of this and want to “take a break,” and that will make me really unhappy. If I have to bribe you with cash, then that’s the breaks.

  4. flyingfuck March 27, 2013 at 7:33 pm #

    I would hire you as a writer but, just in case there is only a certain number of words each writer gets during a lifetime, I don’t want you to waste them on some inbound marketing bullshit.

  5. Jessica Maisonet March 27, 2013 at 8:47 pm #

    “children’s literature about vampires not fucking.”
    “I am too old to stick a dildo up my ass on camera for gays to jerk off, so, I will not be making money off the internet.”
    “But, making the fat girls angry pays. Making unlaid men angry gets views. Nothing else gets noticed. So you become a feminist, and not a writer. A men’s rights activist, and not a writer. A professional victim-booster on a battlefield that means nothing to no one, but people like to pick a side and complain. Maybe they’ll click through and buy some Spanx.” So true. Fuck spanx though let it all hang out, be sexy.
    50 is the new 30 minus the neck…The neck is the new plastic surgery, b/c until that falls apart you can lie to yourself.
    W.O.W. chat death threats……World of fucking world craft?
    “Your page view on my stats bar is enough to ask of you. Your comment is more than enough. Your tweeting my shit, posting it on forums, on reddit, wherever, is WAY more than enough. (really, its not by accident).”
    “I cannot for the life of me fathom why people are reading my jerkoff ass instead of going to the library where these great minds are all there for fucking FREE.” Something about jerking off?
    Would YOU get it on with the 10 Hottest United States Congresswomen? Is bottled water making YOUR children autistic? Details at 11. What about the hottest Star Wars posts on the internet.

    • NikolWrasler March 28, 2013 at 1:02 am #

      god I hate you.

  6. jakebishop244 March 27, 2013 at 10:59 pm #

    We’re in the same sort of boat. I’ve got a little bloglet. A 50k page view month makes me all excited and ready to write more (poorly as ever). At the same time, it IS odd that people would be reading it. Monetizing it seems like taking advantage of the couple of people that actually support and encourage it. Like asking your gf for money, it’d just be lame.

    On the flippedy flip side, I make fucking boatloads of money off the Internet. Saying nobody makes money via the Webz, is like saying nobody makes money with a retail store. It can be just another delivery mechanism for whatever you want.

    And since I make a metric ton of cash online, I pretty much live in random countries, on random continents, all the time. I meet a fair bit of travelers and vagabonds, who make money online. By now I’ve got all the segments sorted. Bottom, of course the affiliate guys (some of them though, making $20k+ a month), and even below them, the freelance design types. But above that, lots of different angles, products, services, things, that are totally valid.

    I could make 10x more myself, but then I’d have to work more than 20 minutes a day. Meh, all that. If it doesn’t make for more teenage booty, I’ve got zero motivation.

    You just either don’t want to do the things that would make you money (like the ‘how to be a Hollywood-something-something post that got a zillion comments), or haven’t looked at other things to do.

    Then again, the few times I had a regular 9-5, it was pretty sweet to know checks come in no matter what, and my main efforts were to minimize my actual work, while still getting paid. Something to be said for that life in a cage, too.

    Cheers, DT. Keep writing

    • NikolWrasler March 28, 2013 at 1:03 am #

      I own a mansion and a fucking yacht.

      • jakebishop244 March 28, 2013 at 10:17 pm #

        Ah, Pikol. Like the Kramer character has to be on Seinfeld, like any good field has a scarecrow, like a burger needs that little moment of bitter crunch from the Pickol, you totally belong in the world of DT. As that little bit of wtf is THAT.

  7. ariseandexcel March 28, 2013 at 12:31 am #

    Sell us a book please sir.

  8. Rojo March 28, 2013 at 12:46 am #

    “I cannot for the life of me fathom why people are reading my jerkoff ass instead of going to the library where these great minds are all there for fucking FREE.”

    Because you’re honest, with a healthy side of depravity that people eat up due to the fact they can’t be honest with that part of themselves. Also, your writing makes it interesting.

    Though we have not met, I am reminded of this Bukowski quote, “Seldom do you meet a rare or interesting person. It´s more than galling, it´s a fucking
    constant shock. ”

    Keep on creepin on good sir.

  9. Cakes and Shakes... March 28, 2013 at 5:31 am #

    I second Rojo: I visit this blog because you don’t sugarcoat things, and you’re seriously funny and you’re smarter than the average bear. I started my blog because I got sick of all the women’s blogs I used to read – at that point it was ALL about thrifting granny clothes and pretending to be a 50’s housewife, and the sycophantic comments used to drive me nuts. They were all kissing each other’s asses and telling each other how jealous they were of each other’s second hand granny clothes. That shit sometimes looked good but mostly, it was a fat girl in a ridiculous costume that she was wearing out places thinking she was really cool, because everyone was blowing smoke up her ass. Like this one (http://fashionsnag.typepad.com/blog/2013/03/loafers-.html): the girl looks like… Jesus, that face… I don’t know, I’m sure you could come up with some killer cutting description, but her commenters! ‘OMG, love your outfit, so jelz” blah blah… ecchhh…

    I don’t write a fraction as well as you do, but I do say what I think. That to me is what makes it worth my time, because in so many other areas of life, we put a mask on almost without thinking about it.

    Finally: a book! That’s where I hope you’re going with this, and I don’t even give a shit if you take a ‘write-by-numbers’ Bukowski approach because he isn’t around any more to add to his considerable (what’s that fancy word for all the shit a writer ever wrote??) so please, step on up.

    • Fashion Snag March 28, 2013 at 8:46 am #

      All I have to say is that you should take a hard look in the mirror. Besides, your blog seems like a lame copy of Cupcakes and Cashmere.

      • Cakes and Shakes... March 28, 2013 at 8:52 am #

        Aw, don’t be butthurt! Remember, I’m like a zilliion miles away, I’m just someone on the internet with an opinion, which is that you have a strange face and your poses are super awkward. It isn’t personal. What do you care. They say cameras don’t lie, but they can be way harsh! Could be worse, you could have a blog full of bad selfies of you doing duckface, like a lot of girls.

        (And my blog is nothing like cupcakes and cashmere, hers is completely different which means it would be impossible that mine is based on an imitation of hers. I have no idea what you mean by that.)

    • DT Fan #12 March 28, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

      “Ouvre” is the word you’re looking for.

  10. Frost March 28, 2013 at 7:26 am #

    Here’s how you should be thinking about this.

    Right now you are nobody. You are a niche of a niche of a niche. Nobody reads your blog, nobody will buy your book, nobody will donate to your PBS fundraising drives, etc.

    But… maybe this niche of a niche, of which you are currently a niche, is on the verge of popping. Maybe we’re only a few years away from a world where every young man has at least heard of Roissy and Roosh and all the rest. Hell, who else is a 21 year old man going to turn to for leadership today?

    If that happens, one book and a paypal button will be enough to pay the bills and let you write full time.

  11. Bigoldbag March 28, 2013 at 10:48 am #

    I think I love you now that I know you read Jim Goad and Taki.

  12. Emily March 28, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

    “this site is a niche of a niche of a niche”
    AKA ‘exclusive’
    AKA ’boutique’

    Sellers of luxury/elite products perform very highly during economic downturns.
    Just remove the Hollywood model from your self perception (the need to appeal and sell en masse to the mediocre for profit) and consider your work as a superior craft for the cognoscenti

  13. Dr. Illusion March 28, 2013 at 5:51 pm #

    I haven’t commented here in a while. I figure it’s about time.

    If you were to write a book, and sell it for damned near any price, I would review it and my close friends on the ‘Sphere would review it because I ask them to or because they follow your blog.

    The great thing about being in a niche is we all support each other. I buy anything written by a manosphere blogger. Many of us do. I have started making a little money just by doing book reviews with Amazon links. You have a shit ton of readers, so you could make plenty of money on the side doing the same thing. Become and Amazon affiliate and write reviews. Everyone loves your reviews. You don’t just have to do books, you can do tv shows and movies. Amazon has it all.

    Just some advice from an old friend.

  14. BADM March 29, 2013 at 1:58 am #

    Don’t be a moron Delicious T. Quit talking yourself down. (Or don’t. That’s what makes you great.) You have what you want right now. If you want to squeeze money from words, you can. You know how. If you want to continue to be an under-appreciated starving artist type, you’ve already won. If you change your mind and start hawking some twisted fiction, or manage to land an advertiser, you can. I’ll buy your God damn book and click on your Flesh-light ads.
    Now, if you stop writing where we can read it, I’ll be forced to try to regurgitate your jokes, butchering them in the process. I’d rather just tell people to go to your URL and check out the posts in the BALLS category. Do the right thing. You owe it to humanity. No pressure/don’t panic.

    • sfer March 29, 2013 at 10:28 am #

      Guys who try to monetize their sites always fuck it up. He should just write a book.

  15. Celeste March 29, 2013 at 12:20 pm #

    I’m a married straight-laced nice girl who can only imagine the depravity you get up to. But this is my favorite blog, because all is vanity and vexation of spirit, and you speak the truth.

  16. Abram March 31, 2013 at 12:46 am #

    I was reading some DFW last night and about how the Jews were responsible for 9/11…You’re the fucking man, Tacos!

  17. vsoze March 31, 2013 at 9:55 am #

    You sure you’re not related to Bukowski, DT? Illegitimate child? He’s got to have tons of those. You’re almost as ugly as he is… just imagine 20 years from now, your alcoholic nose looking like a fucking shriveled up ball sack. But what does it all matter as long as you’re getting laid like a champ, right? Bukowski had that down.

    But serious talk now, in my opinion this is the best blog around. No other jezebel-like, manosphere, whatever-other-cathegorized website out there gets close to the sincerity, hilarity, and realness you bring.

  18. Jessica Maisonet April 3, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

    “50 is the new 30 minus the neck…The neck is the new plastic surgery, b/c until that falls apart you can lie to yourself.” …..Just had this conversation the other day, botox, fillers and exercise, all you’ll ever need is a neck lift. Maybe we watched the same special?

  19. La Strega April 26, 2013 at 10:37 am #

    Reading this post reminded me I need to come back here more often. You’re the only writer connected to the “manosphere” that can actually write and even when I hate what you say I love how you say it.

  20. ftczxbunft@gmail.com May 27, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

    This video post is genuinely great, the reverberate quality and the picture quality of this membrane post is really unbelievable.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Reader Mailbag: Career Advice | delicioustacos - August 10, 2013

    […] The good news is: you’re fucked anyway. You couldn’t sell out even if you wanted to. There are few “real” jobs now and soon there will be none. Doctors have to see fifteen patients an hour. Hurriedly scratch out a script for whatever insurance-approved drug gave them a free pen. Their pay will get pushed down and down. There are more lawyers than we will ever need. Bankers will get strung up soon. Unions are dead. You can’t make 36 an hour to tighten engine bolts at the Chevy factory. “Stable” government jobs are fucked. You can put in 50 years and they’ll take your pension away with the stroke of the pen. Your education will be useless. Not just the “liberal arts” but the much ballyhooed “STEM fields” too. Tech jobs will be exported to Indians. Or Indians will be imported here. Despite their billions in available cash, tech companies “can’t afford” to train domestic labor. They must look for slaves in places where the water gives you parasites. Don’t get me started on journalism, the arts, making money on the internet. […]

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