The Soap
28 Jun
(This is a selection from my book Hot Naked Tits, which you can buy here.)
There was thumping coming from the bathroom. Slow at first, then gradually faster, and then a big sound like a bundle of logs being dropped.
Where’s the soap? She called through the door.
I don’t know. Where is it usually?
The door creaked open and her head appeared, face slightly red. If it were where it is usually, she said, would I have asked you where it is?
Well it’s in there somewhere.
Are you sure sweetie?
Yeah, it has to be.
He stood up from the couch, walked over and stuck his head in the bathroom door. She was back looking in the cabinet under the sink now. Moving items around: toilet paper, baby powder, tampons. There was no available physical space large enough to be occupied by the 8-Pak of Lever 2000® Pure Rain™ bath bars she had instructed him to buy. But she kept looking anyway. Continue reading
Ass Eating
26 JunA girl was eating my ass. It was my first time. I had merely asked her to tickle my back but she misinterpreted this as wanting my ass eaten and being too shy to ask.
It wasn’t quite arousing, but it was really just… sweet, gentle, and intimate. More about her long hair tickling my ass cheeks than the actual, you know, the tongue going in my asshole. She had eaten a mint or chewed strong gum beforehand. I felt minty afterwards.
I couldn’t help thinking about my shit that morning. My second shit, which had spinach leaves in it. I kept thinking: don’t let her go so deep that she eats my shit spinach. Then thinking about spinach made me think about Popeye and I had to keep trying not to laugh thinking about Popeye shooting a thin stream of fire from his pipe to open a can of spinach, and then pounding the contents, and his biceps expanding and appearing to contain an old-timey factory with dancing smokestacks that produced tanks which then shot Bluto in the face. I kept thinking what if she ate a piece of my ass spinach and turned into Popeye.
Anyway.
Diary: The Big Date
23 Jun
image stolen from davidwygant.com
This chick, this OKCupid chick, this smarmy feminist comedian chick, is she going to confirm our non-alcoholic day date and why do I give fuck except I’m curious. Why is it always like this. Days before the date I’m secretly hoping they’ll flake, secretly thinking I’ll just go out to some swimming pool and take my shirt off and get younger, better looking pussy. And then once I send a text to confirm I’m biting my nails thinking omigod she’ll never actually go out with me she’s way too cool for me she hangs out with a bunch of professional comedians and famous people and needs a guy with a job the same or better as hers omigod I’ll die alone; the cat will eat my tender eyeballs first. Continue reading
Facebook White Trash-off
14 Jun
Nikol and I invented a sport where we battle with our families’ facebook statuses to see who’s bigger white trash.
When my cousin was told by her pastor that facebook was the devil’s work and left, I thought my career was over. No more would I see a picture of an Orang Utan palming its face accompanied by a quote from Ecclisiastes. But my other cousin who became a grandmother at 28 stepped up:
ROUND 1
The Haslers
Welp…the kids and I have been doin’ yard pickup…while as usual the hub has been in his usual place on the couch tipping his best friend and favorite beverage back. I’ve had enough of him, his lies, his tipping back…if he does not make changes in a week, I see him on his own and the kiddos and me making a whole new world for ourselves. Enough is enough, yep I keep it real and that’s where I’m at; any questions
The Tacos
for all you nosey no life of ur own idiots that live on here to gossip… i was set up last night and refused to sell people out so i was arrested. the charges are crap and from my stand point if you have nothing better to do then recommend trash and post it about me then go fuck yourselves and each other !!!!!!! too bad you have nothing better to do or to worry about. but god dont like ugly and neither do i so best of luck to you all. this karma will bite your asses…. i promise2 people like this.
(REDACTED) You go girl! People need to mind there own fucken business and worry about the shit in their own back yard…. To everyone out there remember the saying “If you aint got anything good to say, dont say anything at all” And another thing (REDACTED) is innocent un-till proven guilty….
Suggestion Box
13 Jun
I know, I know. I haven’t posted in five days.
I’m not dead. I am simply out of ideas. I have been living a clean and productive life, which means I think and feel nothing.
If you have ideas you would like to see fleshed out in an essay filled with the word “fuck,” or if you want advice from broke, unemployed person incapable of human relationships, or if you have a short story idea or something, please post in the comments or email me from the “Contact” sidebar.
Otherwise normal programming will resume as soon as I relapse into whoring and hard drug abuse.
New Book
delicioustacos 