National Lampoon’s Sex Addict Vacation

14 Sep

Pussy Bar Titties

This post is fictional. Continue reading

I’ll Never Meet My Future Wife

7 Sep

carly text

At the beach. Looking for the place I took Lilly. Where I carried her down the cliffs on our first date. She’d broken her leg eating it on a bicycle. Had a cast on. I helped her to her car after AA, where I’d stared at her two years. Lifted her crutches into the back of her Prius. Would you uh… do you want to uh… go to the beach with me this weekend and she said YEAH right away like she’d been waiting. After taking fastidious care to never look at me. Never sit near me. Only glance at me sideways, like someone told her I’d written about wanting to come back as a tapeworm and live in her asshole. I’m sorry but it’s true. Continue reading

Motherfucker

31 Aug

no sex in toilet

August 31. If I don’t post today there’s a month with no posts. Who cares. But I’ve been doing this 7 and a half years and never missed one. Don’t want to be the Jew who breaks the 5,000 year tradition.

But I can’t write. My prose no good anymore. I have 20 pages about hookers in Thailand and Cambodia and it’s me impersonating myself. Plus some of that shit could get me arrested. Continue reading

Lily

28 Jul

lilly 3

The beginning of love. When she’s gone I masturbate to POV porn of girls that look like her. Cum in me they say. Please sir get me pregnant daddy. Continue reading

Yoga Pants Cashier

21 Jul

Would you like a receipt, said Stephanie, the southeast Asian cashier with purple hair and a surprisingly robust ass for her ethnicity. Or would you prefer to prematurely pump approximately a 55-gallon drum of your seed into my hot tight little pussy todaysir.

The choice was clear. He’d read that receipt paper contained BPAs.

What You’re Up Against, Part 2

14 Jul

(Previously)

She had a Tumblr. A tech guy offered her $500 if she’d shit in a mason jar for a week, pour Jack Daniels in it, and mail it to him.

She didn’t know what to say. Asked a friend. The friend said make it $1,000. Charge him for the jar too.

To her credit, she didn’t do it.

But the next girl did.

The Sugar Daddy before Me

12 Jul

was always rich. Always married. Always kids. The wife successful too. Something cool. TV writer, Netflix, HBO. Loved his kids, showed pictures. They’re doing well in school. They’ll go to good colleges. He takes them diving. Trips at ten to places I still haven’t seen. He has what I pray for. The wife was beautiful but the girl’s 22 and she always, always broke it off because he said I’ll leave her please please move in with me.