Sticky: Finally, Some Good News

29 Oct

I’m writing a serialized novel called Finally, Some Good News. Here are the chapters so far:

  1. What Do You Do
  2. Nest Egg
  3. Second Date
  4. No Exit
  5. The Zombie Zone
  6. Angel of the Morning
  7. Belinda
  8. Power Achiever
  9. I Just Keep Losing
  10. The Sherman Oaks Outdoorsman
  11. Aswang
  12. Festival of Savings
  13. The Fisherman’s Daughter
  14. Ghost Wedding
  15. Talk to Her for Me
  16. Father of the Sword
  17. The Big One
  18. Industrial Society and Its Future
  19. Red Dawn
  20. Evaluation

Plenty of Fish

28 Jun

229691681-the-temptation-of-saint-anthony-museu-nacional-de-arte-antiga-hieronymus-bosch-lisbon

There’s no reason to spend a millisecond with another person who isn’t fucking me. And yet I do. I’ll see my parents. Then go to this stupid AA meeting. My father’s dead yet I still go to at least 50 parental birthday dinners a year. Because it’s Mother’s Day Father’s Day This Day That Day– some fucking wedding, Jesus Christ. There’s no Fuck Me Day, no Mexican Teen Pussy Day, Xbox Day. All chit chatting with old people until you look down and your own hands are old. Continue reading

The Penny

25 Jun

1976-lincoln-penny

I found an old penny on the table this morning. Before I went to toss it in my Yuban coffee can of old change, I had a premonition. If this penny was from the year of my birth, then…

I looked.

It was. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: Are You Happy Now

23 Jun

joi

“Joe” writes:

Hi Delicious Tacos,

I read a post a few years ago. It’s this one:

https://delicioustacos.com/2016/07/06/destroy-the-earth/

Has your life improved?

Continue reading

The Handjob

9 Jun

And then when he finally got a handjob it sucked. The fat girl who had edged him last time, the fat girl with the male orang utan face complete with cheek ridges, walked him back to the toilet and her giant ass in dark gray yoga pants made his dick too stiff to piss with anticipation. But they switched girls on him. Sent in an old woman with an old woman face. She tried to give him an actual massage. Leaned into his calves hard with her fists and he could feel her old woman finger bones. No collagen in her digits. Her handjob action too rigid. She wrapped his scrotum around the base of his pipe like an upside down rain poncho. His nuts like two heavy plums wrapped tight in a clear Safeway produce bag. Then after, his parachute size sac laying askew on one thigh, he felt like one of his nuts might have twisted. She was saying something about money and he was having a daydream about explaining his testicular torsion to the nurse at urgent care. He would say it was a girl. But he wouldn’t say he paid. Why didn’t you stop her, she would ask. I didn’t want to be rude.

Evaluation

3 Jun

husband shirt

He needed a raise. To save enough money to quit. HR was six months behind on his annual evaluation. This meant they knew he’d ask.

He’d had to follow up. The meeting was this morning. 9AM. The HR head would review his evaluation. They’d have budgeted an amount. But they wouldn’t mention money unless he asked. They’d pass his request to some anonymous personage. Come back with a smaller amount. A prior evaluation noted he did not always dress for the job he wanted. He would need to wear his crisp white shirt. It was custom tailored at Men’s Wearhouse. He’d had to buy it for a wedding. All cotton. No armpit stains. Continue reading

Goodbye OKCupid

27 May

FullSizeRender

They banned me from OKCupid. I’d say who knows why but you know it was some fat bluehair with a hard on for right wing future van murderers. Their appeal policy is: fuck off. So it’s gone.

I know, it’s no loss. It sucked already. Once they came out with hey look pictures it was doomed. But OKCupid was a market ineffeciency. Nice house in a nice neighborhood an ordinary family could afford. You could get women writing words. A niche. But tech gets better. Money gets involved. Every house on the block bought by GuangFei Light Industrial Technologies or Berkshire fuckin Hathaway. Family trust of New York Times newlyweds Matilda Wong-Rubinstein and Chet von Crackington III. You want a house, you better inherit money. You want ass, you better inherit face. Height frame don’t matter. I’m six one and ripped. Girls just see the met gala photo of Sarah Jessica Parker. Continue reading

Book Review: The Garbage Times by Sam Pink

20 May

sam pink book

When I think of “alt lit” I think of date rape. Tao Lin accused of skin beefs and emotional abuse by his sixteen year old lover who transitioned into a man. I think of the careful looking-up-”important”-in-the-thesaurus apology he’d have to make if it came out now instead of 2014. It’s important that we continue this urgent conversation and absolutely crucial that we believe… and you’d normally say “believe women” except now you’re misgendering. But you don’t want people to skim and think you’re Jerry Sandusky taking sixteen year old boys in the ass, either. What a nightmare. Rape is so, so important, and these accusations always true except now, and I fucked her before she was a man but trust me I believe it’s wrong to point that out… Continue reading