Prayer Number 6

18 Nov

Yoshiyuki Iwase

I pray for my enemy to have a hot Asian wife with a tight, tasty pussy. No weird nipples. Perfectly proportioned nipples like Lilly had, not wormy ones. Not big personal pan pizza size areolas. Relatively small short nipples but not freakish small to where your mouth could find no purchase. Sensitive and she cums easily. Doesn’t mind when you cum too soon.

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Prayer Number 5

24 Oct

God I want money without work. Is that so wrong. Pussy without being good looking. Without being around other people. I want a child. But I don’t want it to shit, blow snot, et cetera. A wife who changes shape. Disappears when it’s time to play Xbox. Goes off into some hobby of hers. Better yet just vanishes. Also a housekeeper. A hot housekeeper. Better yet an ugly Schwarzenegger housekeeper with incredible pussy. Ugly housekeeper who I don’t fuck for five years but then take test for Expendables or something. She becomes a hot housekeeper. A wife who can be white, Asian, at the flip of a switch. Better yet no switch. She just knows. God I’d like some fruit. Blueberries. A piece of chicken. I don’t know. God grant me The Witcher 4. Elder Scrolls 6- even you don’t have that power. God let me not be selfish. Thank you for the birds. God give my enemies hot tight pussy. God, please, anything. Anything but my old man dick and this fucking conference call.

The Gift

20 Oct

Peter Marlow/ Magnum

On her 12th birthday her mother gave her a red envelope from the mail. The family was poor. The father a drunk. The kids beat her up at school. The envelope had no return address. The upper left hand corner just said:

A GIFT

Well open it, said her mother. And she did.

It was a check for one million dollars. Continue reading

Tetas Grandes

11 Oct

Supposed to write something positive but that’s horseshit. Look I love the squirrels and sunshine but it’s fucking enough of this house arrest. The vaccine makes your T cells gnaw through the nerves in your spine and the drugs will be horseshit and it’s time to let the obese, elderly and immunocompromised die. Sorry fattie. I’m sure there’s a buffet in heaven. But work from home and lift from home and Skype date from home because every boring cunt Bumble lawyer dutifully visits her stupid Korean grandmother twice a week– I’m done. Eight months was plenty. CA governor Gavin Newsom who should not be shot and LA mayor Eric Garcetti who should not be dragged behind a Jeep over 12 miles of cholla cactus will never let this lockdown end. There will always be some reason to extend it. Save the old people the fat people the poor little abuelitas, boo hoo.
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Princesita Bella

27 Sep

In the park a woman asked me to save her from a crazy Mexican trying to molest her. He kept following her, she said. Wanting to give her a drawing. Excuse me this guy’s bothering me, really scaring me. Can you please pretend we’re together. Continue reading

Savage Spear of the Unicorn

14 Sep

Forgot to put up a sticky post for my new book Savage Spear of the Unicorn. You can buy it here.

If you email me a receipt I’ll send you a free bonus book.

It’s a collection. It has some new stories that aren’t online, which are some of the best stuff I’ve done. It also has stories like What’s Out There, Mark and Universal Basic Woman.

This Woman, Part 7

13 Sep

She texted back horseshit about wanting to see me after flaking five times. And I’d had this epiphany. I saw a baby on Twitter. The baby laughed seeing a waterfall for the first time. The next woman I date should be the mother of my children. Continue reading

This Woman, Part 6

6 Sep

Going to the Giant Forest. Maybe the Kern River. It’ll be nice just to drive. Sadie Wong’s not coming with me. It’s a fake name but I like the way it sounds. Sadie Wong doesn’t like me. Doesn’t want to spend time with me. She’s gay, or weird, she needs an abusive man. Or something. In any case I didn’t play it right. I didn’t play it at all. I simply “was myself.” And she doesn’t like me. What does that tell you. Continue reading

Women, Part 2

2 Sep

Girls are boring then surprised when you bore them. You have to be so exciting you can thwart their own boringness. Then when you’re used to playing up excitement you find yourself with a girl who seems to have spiritual grounding. Seems to want you to be decent. Nice. You let yourself show that part of you. You end up just being yourself. And she rejects you.

The Flake

1 Sep

old coke ad

I wrote this after reading a nasty passage in American Psycho. This is a FICTIONAL EXERCISE and is not about you. Continue reading