Ooga Booga

30 Nov

Overheard in the Chinese Restaurant

I don’t know if you speak English. I don’t speak Chinese, OK. A week ago I came in here and I ordered the medium shrimp. It comes with ten shrimps. I looked in the box and counted seven shrimps. But there was a man working here, I don’t know if he’s here now- OK do you speak English. I’m sorry but I don’t speak Chinese. He told me the other three shrimps were at the bottom. I got home and I looked through the entire thing. The other three shrimps were not there. You owe me three shrimps. No, it was not that size. It was the medium. The medium comes with ten shrimps. I’m here to get the three shrimps that you owe me please. Do you understand me? I apologize but I have to speak to you in English. I don’t know if you speak English. I don’t speak Chinese. Continue reading

Prayer Number 8

30 Oct

Lord thank you for not giving me a woman. Thank you for my free time with the birds in the morning. Thank you for the space in my bed. The silence. Cooking what I want. Cleaning when I want. Not looking at texts when I want. Lord thank you for my early bedtime. Passing out watching James Bond. Listening to Youtubers talk about George R R Martin. Thank you for my new fat not mattering. Nose hairs not mattering. Thank you for working from home with no one here. Jacking off before meetings. Jacking off to women I knew. Who I’d hate to see now for any reason but fucking. Continue reading

You Can Give All This Up

29 Oct


All right good morning. You don’t have to post this month. This can be the month you don’t post. You can give all this up. Write a book every five years and do three interviews. Never tweet again. Never get in arguments. If this shit were gonna get you a woman it would have. You can play Xbox. You can watch Dr. No on Amazon prime. Not a bad movie. Jame Bond sucks but the first two are really good. The first two and Casino Royale. Continue reading


30 Sep

Trying to do a conference call while my meth neighbor screams and throws a couch down the stairs. I gotta post something. Just write something that sucks. Break the seal and post more freely. And here’s the squirrel out back going after my squash. Not eating the ripe ones he ripped apart already. It’s the young green new squash. Fucking prick. Fucking dick ass squirrel. Continue reading

The Lost Child

31 Aug

From True Love

I had a dream sleeping next to my date. I dreamed I had a little girl. She had blonde hair blue eyes and she reached out to me, little hands. And I picked her up and walked her through a meadow. Told her the names of the animals. That’s a squirrel, that’s a bird. White birch trees in winter. She looked like her mother, who I never saw again.

Birds in My Area

28 Jul

Just about every day I go to the park and watch acorn woodpeckers. There are four types of woodpecker in the area. The Northern flicker, acorn woodpecker, the hairy woodpecker, and the Nuttall’s. This winter there was a Nuttall’s in the neighbor’s walnut tree. Continue reading

Dream Number 6

23 Jul

I had a dream. I was holding my baby son. On a train to take him back to his mother. Shared custody. The mother was maybe 28. A white woman, beautiful. We weren’t together,. I was handing him over. Telling her something. Giving her instructions about to do this, that. How to take care of him. And it occurred to me she knew what she was doing. It would be fine. She was his mother. Continue reading

Something Good

16 Jul

I went out and looked at the squash and I could hear the bees. I thought it was a swarm somewhere. Moving hives. But the squash has so many flowers there are a hundred bees. Humming and pollinating in the big deep orange blossoms. The flowers are male or female. The male ones had buds for a long time, but just opened. At the end of the cycle. New little squashes now are born yellow and die. Leaves going yellow. The plants are dying. I give them more fertilizer. But they feel gassed out. Like they’ve used their time on Earth. Continue reading

One Paragraph of OC

26 Jun

All you gotta do today is make one paragraph of OC. Continue reading


22 May

I didn’t need this life lesson. That I’m old and I’m gonna die. And before that the best part of me will get clipped off. Joy wit creativity and energy will leave me. I knew already. I knew since I was born. The reminder was not needed. I don’t want wisdom. I want to remain an idiot. Always thinking better days are around the corner. I’ll get well soon. My ship’s about to come in. Xochitl breaking up with her boyfriend means she’ll date me. I can bulk up my arms again. Stocks will go back up, et cetera. It’s not over.

I want to be an idiot. Tired of God teaching me. I want to be tempted by carnal pleasures. A hairsbreadth away from bailing on my job to get teenage Austronesian monkey pussy, eat coconuts and disappear.