Archive | October, 2013

Hangover Diary: Rocktober

30 Oct
image stolen from robertishere.com

image stolen from robertishere.com

Fuck. God damn man. Still hung over. 2 days later. I did cocaine and took valiums and drank a fifth of brandy. OK. It will be fine. Tomorrow you will feel better. Tomorrow. Go to work. Have a productive day. It’s cold, feels like winter, it’s sixty eight motherfucking degrees. Jesus Christ man, you have to stop getting drunk, doing hard drugs. You have to stop this shit. Eat a fucking salad and perform vigorous compound exercises. Read quality literature, watch birds in the forest. Clean your motherfucking act up and be a functioning human being. This is what happens. This is why people have to have kids. To have something to do all fucking day. Keep the thing from squirting roach spray in its gullet. Run around making sure he doesn’t jam his finger in the outlet. Or your wife does that, I guess. You go to work. Sit on a train in a suit and a stupid hat and read the financial papers. Martini at the end of the day, golf on weekends. Anyone under 40, your concept of normal life is from TV. A dead dream.

The other guy stole the second gram. I was pissed at the time. Now I think: good. I hope it’s really gone. Never again with that shit. From now on, fruits and vegetables. A nice beef broth. Put me in one of those FDR wheelchairs with the plaid blanket and park me in front of an old timey radio. Jesus Christ. I am too old for this. I’m too old for drugs, liquor and pussy. But what else is there. Jesus. Gardening, I don’t know. Continue reading

Suggestion Box: Let’s Make Hardcore Pornography

29 Oct
image stolen from ifc.com

image stolen from ifc.com

My buddy finances porn. Little shit, nothing you’ve heard of. But he’s moving into the clips4sale world. You post clips of fetishes so obscure that there’s not enough on the tube sites. Guys pay to download them. Women stomping on balls, popping balloons with their pussies. Guys shitting in diapers and getting laughed at. Weird shit. It’s one of the last places where the money is.

He asked me to help out. Find fetishes that are underrepresented. Niches to fill. We have girls who will do anything. Do not raise your daughter as a Jehovah’s Witness.

So what I want to know is: what twisted shit do you desperately want to jerk it to, but can’t find enough of? Comment or email me. I don’t judge. I jerk to dwarves, diaper girls, fat pigs, small penis humiliation, unwanted impregnation… that’s just scratching the surface. I jerk it to shit that would make a billygoat puke. Anything but studio porn with fake watermelon tits and tacky post-molestation piercings. I don’t give a fuck. In my actual sex life I’m a staggering bore. 

What’s a fetish scene you want to see? Or in a vanilla sex scene, what’s a scenario or plot you want that doesn’t exist? We can do old school stuff with dialogue, locations. What type of girl(s), guy(s) aren’t out there enough? Whatever you want to jerk to but can’t.

I can’t promise anything in return. If you’re not anonymous and suggest a winner I’ll try to hook you up. Give you the clip you requested free at least, if it can be done. Name the actress after your grandmother. Whatever I can do. But I have no idea how the money side of this works, so.  You may suggest a billion dollar idea and be left holding your dick.

I’m in California. Legal to shoot here. Films will be shot and distributed by pros in compliance with all applicable laws.

Unemployment Diary: Things Fall Apart

20 Oct
image stolen from burrard-lucas.com

image stolen from burrard-lucas.com

AAAAHHH money money money money money. Relax. You have enough to pay the credit card bill. OKCupid coaching will pay enough to register the car. Unemployment will come through. You can bill work for leads. Everything will be fine. Except it won’t because you have no god damn money. You have no god damn money. Your credit is destroyed and there is no way you will get a job, ever. Ever. You worked beneath your talents for eight years and this is what it got you. Nothing. You saved nothing, learned nothing. You were miserable for nothing. Now you are miserable for less than nothing.

Let me say this again: there are no jobs out there. Back in Spring when I didn’t want to work, I still dutifully applied. I applied for jobs for which I am fully qualified, overqualified. I took care on my resume and cover letter. I have hired people; I know to keep it short. Nothing. I had one interview, a group interview. A Beverly Hills residential Realtor™, a white man the color of an Irish Setter, made 20 of us complete 2 hours worth of tasks that simulated being his assistant. Other than that it was finance scams. One interview– no, one group bake-off– for over a hundred resumes. And I’m good. Continue reading

Financial Leaders of the Future

16 Oct

nigerian scam

This woman is never going to come through with the money. The check with the funds was returned to her client, she says. It was money to turn my apartment into a Home Office. Insufficient address. It will be re-sent to me today by UPS or Fedex. The sufficient address was on my resume. The sufficient address was presented clearly in the body of an email. But the check was returned. How long until they ask for my bank account. I give it two days. I know you prefer to be paid by check. But in the interest of time can we send a Western Union money transfer. Can we wire it directly to your account. We will need your routing number, account number, online banking password, and Social Security number. Her English is out of Google Translate. She is in Thailand for eight weeks teaching a seminar. She is a portrait photographer. I am unaware of a market for eight week portrait photography seminars in Thailand, but– what if. She offered me the job. The unemployment claim form says: did you REFUSE any work? Continue reading

The Internet

13 Oct
image stolen from thegailygrind.com

image stolen from thegailygrind.com

Our generation’s Van Gogh will never flower. He has to work sixty hours a week. Photoshop retarded bug eyed cats so they’re looking at Miley Cyrus.

Alice Munro won the Nobel Prize this week. Our generation’s Alice Munro captions sassy GIF’s for Buzzfeed. Lucille Bluth shakes her head flamboyantly. Makes some kind of “no” gesture. She is reacting to Miley Cyrus. Our Mark Twain writes for Gawker. Commentary about Vice’s commentary about The Atlantic’s original opinion about What Miley Cyrus Means for Our Times. Gawker’s angle is that the Vice one is racist. The comments go down and down and down. Click to see 87 more replies. Black people and white people saying why they hate each other. Women’s Studies majors shocked and indignant. People reacting to an 800 word GIF-laden throwaway like the guy who covered the Hindenberg. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: How to Get Pussy on OKCupid

6 Oct

“Crom” writes:

Since it seems you’ve banged a ridiculous amount of women from OKC, would it be possible for you to drop a datasheet/guide on OKC from opener-bang?

Or at least, yoda, just help this young man along, mentor him and pass on your legacy? HAHA

because I get many profiles views, replies, and numbers but I have a hard time turning that into dates. I know all the basic logistical shit and I’m not new to game. can you show me a screencap/transcript of how you play things?

I typically have decent openers, but the replies from women are so banal or the profiles are bare and generic, I have very little to work with. How do go from opener>chatting>IRL meeting. I’m getting phone numbers but having difficulty with getting meet ups.

You’re probably sick of jackasses like me asking you things like this so I understand. >_>

Don’t listen to me. I know nothing. I’ve blown more easy ass than I’ve gotten. What I do get doesn’t make me happy. My OKCupid tricks will not help anybody. The short version is: be me. Then go on a date and behave like me. I am over six feet tall, white*, and not ugly. I am a hilarious genius. Fuck off if you don’t think so. The way to get pussy on OKCupid is to be a tall, not ugly, hilarious genius.

Then again I’m broke as shit and a filthy alcoholic pervert. I make this known. Reading my profile, you can almost smell my broken, hissing toilet. See the house centipede as long as a dollar bill gnawing a fresh log of tuna fish shit in my cat’s litter box. You read my profile and you know that there’s a half empty flour sack sitting torn open in the back of my cupboard, swarming with weevils. I come out and say it: I want to have filthy unprotected gutter sex on our first date and then never speak again. I still get laid. The women are often wonderful. So maybe there’s something to it. Continue reading

Book of Lamentations

1 Oct

Job.boils2

My asshole bleeds and bleeds now. From shitting so much. I shit, I wipe my bloody ass, grind the shit right into my bloodstream. Shit that is filled with third world parasites. I should see a doctor. But what are they gonna do. Been through this before. Round 1: ride it out for a few more days, they will say. Stay hydrated. Eat a high fiber diet. On your first visit, a doctor gives you as much new information as the warning on a pack of cigarettes. “Uh, try living healthier. Do healthy things you’ve heard about on TV.” Continue reading