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Fucking Chelsea

11 Jan

portrait-happy-young-asian-business-woman-with-mug-hands-drinking-coffee-morning_7861-821 2

Here we are at the coffee shop. And fucking Chelsea is here. Didn’t recognize her at first. Don’t know if she recognized me. She’d lost weight. She doesn’t look that good. Until I identify her as a girl I fucked and liked and then ghosted me, and she starts looking gorgeous. Continue reading

I Woke Up Not Horny

14 Dec

moon 2

I woke up and wasn’t horny anymore. Lily texted me. We had plans. She comes over and we fuck. I’m sorry she says. I forgot it’s the Sephora Winter Warmup. Staff from all district stores must congregate socially. I say OK. She video calls me. Wants to apologize. I say no problem. I mean it. I don’t want to look at her. Continue reading

Day Off

12 Oct

woodrow

Day off. Peace and quiet in the neighborhood. No sound but tinnitus. This morning in the mirror I thought I saw a bald spot. Right where the back of my hair spirals together. Looked again. Trick of the light. Continue reading

The Noise

22 Sep

st francis

Here I am in front of my house. Kevin’s in his kitchen. Windows always open. He thumps around. Clatters pots while screaming. You can ask him to stop making a specific noise at a specific time. But he doesn’t internalize the bigger concept. You shouldn’t do meth and play drums at 2AM. Crank your enormous top of the line subwoofer you bought the day after your new neighbor moved in, before sunrise. Judo throw your fat girlfriend, who screams from the diaphragm like a theater major, into load bearing studs and hollow core doors. Continue reading

The Cat Food

8 Jun

tasty treasures

There’s a feral cat that comes around. He won’t let me pet him. I put out a bowl of water. He didn’t come. Decided I’d try food. Went to CVS. Found the cat food section and went to pick up the can. It was “Tasty Treats in Gravy.” Some kind I used to buy for Bud. And looking at it, feeling the can in my hand, it was like I was buying it for Bud again. Like I’d go home and Bud would be there. And I’d brush him, and then open up a can of Tasty Treats with Gravy and plop half of it into his bowl and he’d– he loved it, he just loved it. If you give him the whole can he’ll puke on the carpet later. Continue reading

Strap In, We’re Dying Alone

12 May

I’m not good enough, my book isn’t good enough, it’s not as good as Mike Ma’s book, I’m not tall enough– 6 foot 3 or above– I’m too fat, the bottom of my six pack has fat on it, I’m not handsome enough, not rich enough, my future earning potential is not high enough to start a family– $300K plus per year– my nose hairs are too long bristly and white, my dick is not big enough, my nuts not small compact tight and symmetrical enough, the nuts themselves are fucked up and then too my scrotum is too long. My butthole not hairless enough. My books don’t sell well enough. When they do it’s not to enough women. I don’t have enough guns crossbows and C4 explosives to protect my putative children when shit hits the fan. I’m not liberal enough. I’m too associated with future mass murdering incel Nazis. I’m just not cool. I’m not famous enough. I could do something about it but you know, who gives a fuck.

Why Don’t You Get a New Cat

21 Apr

I’m not done missing Bud. And I might leave America forever. Any moment. Any morning. Take my book money, buy a two way ticket to the Philippines. Throw the return ticket in the trash. You need it for the visa. Then again since Duterte no one checks. Continue reading