Archive | Diary RSS feed for this section

Prayer Number 6

18 Nov

Yoshiyuki Iwase

I pray for my enemy to have a hot Asian wife with a tight, tasty pussy. No weird nipples. Perfectly proportioned nipples like Lilly had, not wormy ones. Not big personal pan pizza size areolas. Relatively small short nipples but not freakish small to where your mouth could find no purchase. Sensitive and she cums easily. Doesn’t mind when you cum too soon.

Continue reading

Prayer Number 5

24 Oct

God I want money without work. Is that so wrong. Pussy without being good looking. Without being around other people. I want a child. But I don’t want it to shit, blow snot, et cetera. A wife who changes shape. Disappears when it’s time to play Xbox. Goes off into some hobby of hers. Better yet just vanishes. Also a housekeeper. A hot housekeeper. Better yet an ugly Schwarzenegger housekeeper with incredible pussy. Ugly housekeeper who I don’t fuck for five years but then take test for Expendables or something. She becomes a hot housekeeper. A wife who can be white, Asian, at the flip of a switch. Better yet no switch. She just knows. God I’d like some fruit. Blueberries. A piece of chicken. I don’t know. God grant me The Witcher 4. Elder Scrolls 6- even you don’t have that power. God let me not be selfish. Thank you for the birds. God give my enemies hot tight pussy. God, please, anything. Anything but my old man dick and this fucking conference call.

Tetas Grandes

11 Oct

Supposed to write something positive but that’s horseshit. Look I love the squirrels and sunshine but it’s fucking enough of this house arrest. The vaccine makes your T cells gnaw through the nerves in your spine and the drugs will be horseshit and it’s time to let the obese, elderly and immunocompromised die. Sorry fattie. I’m sure there’s a buffet in heaven. But work from home and lift from home and Skype date from home because every boring cunt Bumble lawyer dutifully visits her stupid Korean grandmother twice a week– I’m done. Eight months was plenty. CA governor Gavin Newsom who should not be shot and LA mayor Eric Garcetti who should not be dragged behind a Jeep over 12 miles of cholla cactus will never let this lockdown end. There will always be some reason to extend it. Save the old people the fat people the poor little abuelitas, boo hoo.
Continue reading

The Flake

1 Sep

old coke ad

I wrote this after reading a nasty passage in American Psycho. This is a FICTIONAL EXERCISE and is not about you. Continue reading

I’d Like My Housekeeper to Suck My Dick

15 Aug

I’d like my housekeeper Michelle, who’s about 46, does meth, is periodically homeless, comes up to clean the house leaving her cat locked in the 10,000 degree minivan with food water and a cat litter box in the rumble seat after parallel parking tweaked and ramming two of my neighbors’ cars while they sit in their front yards watching, then calls me to come down and help her find the house so the neighbors see me and know it’s my guest who fucked up their painter’s van– I’d like her to suck my dick. She’s cheerful from the meth. Good bone structure and you can tell she squishes her tongue just so against the frenulum. Suckles hard and with rhythm to make you cum prematurely. Continue reading

May I Stop Now Please

25 May

IMG_4798(1)

The problem is nothing happens.

I read “A Small, Good Thing” by Raymond Carver. I’ll never write anything that good. Just a fact. I remember reading it in freshman English in high school. It had no impact. No one should study literature before 40. Teenagers are for fucking. Continue reading

Corona Diaries: Is Kevin Dead

21 Apr

IMG_4714

Posting to promote my new book Savage Spear of the Unicorn

Continue reading

Corona Diaries: The Cunt Next Door

16 Apr

IMG_4139

The cunt next door has landscapers with leaf blowers. 7AM second day this week. Maybe today will suck. Felt great in the shower. Then looked askance at the soap. Glanced slightly left to check on the Lever 2000 and it crippled my neck back and shoulder in a way where sitting or standing or lying down is painful. OK. The cunt next door needs constant landscaping. Tony Iommi Iron Man drone of gas powered lawn tools screaming and groaning at all times to tell her she’s made it. She’ll pay 7 dollars an hour ten hours a day 8 days a week for a mariachi band with the tubas hooked up to Phil Lesh’s 32 foot speakers from the Grateful Dead’s 1974 Wall of Sound just to keep me from making a fucking blog post before work. From performing my quarantine work from home in a competent manner. She wants me to be miserable, get fired and have my penis fall off. She’ll succeed. Continue reading

Huge Succulent Jugs

14 Apr

IMG_4490(1)

Posting to get page views for my new book, out now.

**

I’m grateful to be alive. Continue reading

Passionately Romancing Jennifer Aniston’s Meatflaps

13 Apr

aniston

This is the last Delicious Tacos book. The next one will be my real name. Augustus Beaujolais. Mortimer Q. Fagballs. Whatever my real name is, I don’t remember anymore. I’d pretend to be tired of this “persona” but I’m tired of the real version of me that has to work. I’d like to get more into my persona, become Hitler McFucksteens, get back into coke, drink, huff gas, move to Oonga Boonga Philippines and have a high school age girlfriend, et cetera. Continue reading