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Eugene

30 Sep

Trying to do a conference call while my meth neighbor screams and throws a couch down the stairs. I gotta post something. Just write something that sucks. Break the seal and post more freely. And here’s the squirrel out back going after my squash. Not eating the ripe ones he ripped apart already. It’s the young green new squash. Fucking prick. Fucking dick ass squirrel. Continue reading

Birds in My Area

28 Jul

Just about every day I go to the park and watch acorn woodpeckers. There are four types of woodpecker in the area. The Northern flicker, acorn woodpecker, the hairy woodpecker, and the Nuttall’s. This winter there was a Nuttall’s in the neighbor’s walnut tree. Continue reading

Something Good

16 Jul

I went out and looked at the squash and I could hear the bees. I thought it was a swarm somewhere. Moving hives. But the squash has so many flowers there are a hundred bees. Humming and pollinating in the big deep orange blossoms. The flowers are male or female. The male ones had buds for a long time, but just opened. At the end of the cycle. New little squashes now are born yellow and die. Leaves going yellow. The plants are dying. I give them more fertilizer. But they feel gassed out. Like they’ve used their time on Earth. Continue reading

One Paragraph of OC

26 Jun

All you gotta do today is make one paragraph of OC. Continue reading

COVID-19

22 May

I didn’t need this life lesson. That I’m old and I’m gonna die. And before that the best part of me will get clipped off. Joy wit creativity and energy will leave me. I knew already. I knew since I was born. The reminder was not needed. I don’t want wisdom. I want to remain an idiot. Always thinking better days are around the corner. I’ll get well soon. My ship’s about to come in. Xochitl breaking up with her boyfriend means she’ll date me. I can bulk up my arms again. Stocks will go back up, et cetera. It’s not over.

I want to be an idiot. Tired of God teaching me. I want to be tempted by carnal pleasures. A hairsbreadth away from bailing on my job to get teenage Austronesian monkey pussy, eat coconuts and disappear.

The Phone

17 Apr

Taking the phone back was like taking a dog back to the shelter. The iPhone13 Pro. 512GB, in Sierra Blue. 120 hertz ProMotion display. Stainless steel side trim. The blue was so tasteful. It was the Antarctic Blue Clark W. Griswold wanted on his Super Sports Wagon. I had money and decided to get the best one they made. The battery didn’t dip no matter what you did. You can leave it playing Preston Jacobs videos all night. The animations imperceptibly smooth. Curved polished steel bright and warm. Continue reading

Birthday 2022

20 Feb

God, thank you for my life. It’s a good one. Continue reading

The Old Man Chair

31 Dec

2021 sucked ass. You can tell because I was productive. Doubled my net worth. Huge progress on the new book. It’s the worst thing I’ve done. Got no pussy. Helped others. Improved important life skills. I did things that men on Twitter who fell ass backwards into money tell you to. Vitamin D, invested, all that shit. God damn did it suck. Continue reading

Prostate Nodule

11 Sep

I can accept death. But not the mechanics of it. Nothing else in my ass, ever. They found a nodule on my prostate. The prostate is a walnut-sized gland under your colon. Nodule is a synonym for tumor. Per Web MD a knuckle-like hard protrusion. Knuckle-like. Of course it’s H.R. Giger. Knuckle-like protrusion twitching under gunmetal-color Berlin college girl face with steel fangs and no lower jaw. She quaffs hydraulic fluid from ridgy black intestinal tubes, tangled nightmare quasi-organic hoses pumping ooze from disembodied black chrome tits on some Satanic Contra boss apparition… Nodule means tumor. But “tumor” just means swelling. It’s nothing, he tells me. They’ll check my PSA. Some chemical you make when you have cancer. Confirm it’s nothing after I fast, get my blood drawn, go back for his next available appointment in 2032. Until then put it out of your mind. Continue reading

Alaska

31 Aug

Coming over some mountain pass in the taiga and reception comes back on the radio out of nowhere, it’s the classic rock station playing Led Zeppelin’s All My Love, and it comes on as John Paul Jones’ wizardly baroque synth solo is playing, and you crest some big height in the road and a valley opens up before you vaster than anything, Roger Dean green mountains with 10,000 foot waterfalls climbing up forbidding dark crags above the treeline, glaciers snaking over them as it transitions to Jimmy Page’s answering guitar solo, simple phrases on the nylon string, and as Robert Plant’s vocals kick back in, he is a feather in the wind, you remember it’s about the guy who killed his son in a car accident and you’re going 140 in a 3 ton rental truck. Continue reading