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The Flake

1 Sep

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I wrote this after reading a nasty passage in American Psycho. This is a FICTIONAL EXERCISE and is not about you. Continue reading

I’d Like My Housekeeper to Suck My Dick

15 Aug

I’d like my housekeeper Michelle, who’s about 46, does meth, is periodically homeless, comes up to clean the house leaving her cat locked in the 10,000 degree minivan with food water and a cat litter box in the rumble seat after parallel parking tweaked and ramming two of my neighbors’ cars while they sit in their front yards watching, then calls me to come down and help her find the house so the neighbors see me and know it’s my guest who fucked up their painter’s van– I’d like her to suck my dick. She’s cheerful from the meth. Good bone structure and you can tell she squishes her tongue just so against the frenulum. Suckles hard and with rhythm to make you cum prematurely. Continue reading

May I Stop Now Please

25 May

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The problem is nothing happens.

I read “A Small, Good Thing” by Raymond Carver. I’ll never write anything that good. Just a fact. I remember reading it in freshman English in high school. It had no impact. No one should study literature before 40. Teenagers are for fucking. Continue reading

Corona Diaries: Is Kevin Dead

21 Apr

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Posting to promote my new book Savage Spear of the Unicorn

Continue reading

Corona Diaries: The Cunt Next Door

16 Apr

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The cunt next door has landscapers with leaf blowers. 7AM second day this week. Maybe today will suck. Felt great in the shower. Then looked askance at the soap. Glanced slightly left to check on the Lever 2000 and it crippled my neck back and shoulder in a way where sitting or standing or lying down is painful. OK. The cunt next door needs constant landscaping. Tony Iommi Iron Man drone of gas powered lawn tools screaming and groaning at all times to tell her she’s made it. She’ll pay 7 dollars an hour ten hours a day 8 days a week for a mariachi band with the tubas hooked up to Phil Lesh’s 32 foot speakers from the Grateful Dead’s 1974 Wall of Sound just to keep me from making a fucking blog post before work. From performing my quarantine work from home in a competent manner. She wants me to be miserable, get fired and have my penis fall off. She’ll succeed. Continue reading

Huge Succulent Jugs

14 Apr

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Posting to get page views for my new book, out now.

**

I’m grateful to be alive. Continue reading

Passionately Romancing Jennifer Aniston’s Meatflaps

13 Apr

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This is the last Delicious Tacos book. The next one will be my real name. Augustus Beaujolais. Mortimer Q. Fagballs. Whatever my real name is, I don’t remember anymore. I’d pretend to be tired of this “persona” but I’m tired of the real version of me that has to work. I’d like to get more into my persona, become Hitler McFucksteens, get back into coke, drink, huff gas, move to Oonga Boonga Philippines and have a high school age girlfriend, et cetera. Continue reading

Corona Diaries: We’re Not Gonna Make It

1 Apr

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My aunt has coronavirus. Multiple comorbidities. In a hospital in New York. She won’t make it. Continue reading

Corona Diaries

26 Mar

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What am I doing now? Writing in in the park. Out of the house. Little cold but beautiful. What did I do before. Shot bow and arrows. Mostly looked at Twitter. My brain deteriorating. I don’t want to be typing this now. Want to look at Twitter. Let yourself relax. Cancelled my doctor’s appointment. Didn’t get the mail. I did go to the grocery store, probably doomed my cashier Sophie whose crotch I’d like to chart to the millimeter with my taste buds to certain death by Wuhan coronavirus. Earache is not a symptom of coronavirus. My ear hurts because I bit my tongue. Throat hurts for the same reason. Inflammation around the trigeminal nerve. But now my nose running a little. Rare symptom of coronavirus. It’s coronavirus. Continue reading

Fucking Chelsea

11 Jan

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Here we are at the coffee shop. And fucking Chelsea is here. Didn’t recognize her at first. Don’t know if she recognized me. She’d lost weight. She doesn’t look that good. Until I identify her as a girl I fucked and liked and then ghosted me, and she starts looking gorgeous. Continue reading