Archive | Diary RSS feed for this section

Diary: The Bloody Eyeball

5 Dec

aaa holmes

Yesterday I woke up. Brewed my coffee. Put my milk in my cereal and in my coffee cup while I smoked a cigarette so the cereal would get soft. Smoked my cigarette. Came in. Ate the cereal. Drank the coffee. Took a shit. I was reading the collected works of Ted Kaczynski, which are all true. He’s right about everything. I chewed nicotine gum. Finished my shit. Put some toothpaste on my toothbrush and looked in the mirror to brush my teeth and my eyeball had exploded. Continue reading

Train Diary: Mamacita

4 Dec
train going into tunnel

Image from youtube user dferg100

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new book Finally, Some Good News. This story is entirely fictional, it never happened, and the guy in it is not me. I don’t get horny.
Continue reading

Moving Diary

18 Nov
73650962-young-couple-people-have-fun-while-moving-to-a-new-apartment-boy-pushes-box-with-the-girl-happy-peop

Stock photo

Maybe today will be the best day of my life but somehow I don’t fucking think so. Have to move. Have to move to a new place I now hate and I just want to fucking relax. Even typing this is a distraction from what I should be doing. The activity I like least in the entire world. Which will be my entire day. And my tomorrow. And my tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. While working. While waiting–while having to follow up on my cover art, my copy edits– OK. I accept that God wants me to be miserable. He wants me to not finish the book. Not sell it. Whatever I want, is what God does not want. God does not want my ass to not hurt. God does not want my eye not to rot. My penis to not fall off. God wants my landlady, who is evil, to have money and happiness, while I languish in obscurity. God wants me to move. Continue reading

The Tight Underwear

12 Sep

soprano boxers 2

My new underwear is too tight. If I wear the waistband low it will cut off my femoral arteries. Or the veins that crawl over my hipbones. It will cut off my blood supply. I’ll have to get limbs amputated. I will be retarded. Continue reading

Get Fucked

28 Jul

young george

I need to post something while the stupid fucking kid stomps around upstairs. And I’m horny. And I drank too much coffee, or too little– I gotta order a new ball hair trimmer. Another binder for my DVDs. Never watch but can’t throw them away. Repair the fish tank. To do this, drain the fish tank. I don’t even know where the leak is. Fuck, I don’t want to get rid of it. I want a fish tank. My recurring – fuck — did I yell audibly. Did I yell audibly at them stomping around. And they fucking heard me. Well they stopped stomping. They stomp and it drives me crazy. And I yell. And they stop. And I feel guilty. You can’t fucking win. Continue reading

The Penny

25 Jun

1976-lincoln-penny

I found an old penny on the table this morning. Before I went to toss it in my Yuban coffee can of old change, I had a premonition. If this penny was from the year of my birth, then…

I looked.

It was. Continue reading

Blue State

29 Apr

bmw_dna_1 miami ad school

Pool party in LA. And of course now says the podcast writer to the bearded man with antler tattoos who gives a 6/10 to the Steampunk Cafe, you have these alt right incels. Involuntary celibate, they’re racists from the manosphere and they’re on these message boards. I have to say something. But what. Do I support the incels? I guess I’m against them. But I get where they’re coming from. Is that illegal. I just don’t want to be rude. Don’t want to fuck up the whole party which is six people, and there’s already an issue with my going on at length about types of Japanese prostitutes. Well (slave name) you sure do know a lot about prostitutes, titter titter. Continue reading