6 Mar

On his birthday she’d caught Sammy masturbating into a pair of her panties. She was supposed to get him dressed and take him to their parents’ house for the party. She got him in a collared shirt and his best pants and packed up the candles in the shape of 2-0. Went to blow dry her hair and when she came out he was in his chair hunched over his crotch and it looked like he was shaking. I thought he was having a seizure, she said. I was so scared–

Wait he never did it before?


What did you do

I said SAMSON! PLEASE STOP, like he was gonna listen


Yeah he’s completely nonverbal. He kept going, like I was scared to even touch him

So he finished?

When he came– it was like a horse, she said. He was holding my underwear in front of himself and he missed, like, it got all to the side, all over his nice pants. I had to put him in jeans and we were late, I told them he spilled OJ on his church pants… God I feel bad laughing

How could you not

Like, it’s natural right? All guys are like this

Are you asking for real?

Yes! I mean I know what guys are like but I didn’t think even my brother

Yeah, he said. All guys are like this.

She’d given him a minute to collect himself. But she needed to get him cleaned up. The whole family waiting. OK buddy, it’s your birthday, she said. Are you ready to see Nana?

Nrrreeaaannngghh, said Sammy.


Sammy was autistic. Bonita was his caretaker. She was 32, he was 20, an accident when their mom was 44. Maybe that’s why he’s the way he is, she said. The family was Mexican but not Catholic. They spoke in tongues. She believed in God but not the weird parts, and her aunts sometimes told her she’d go to hell. Even though she was the one living with him. Taking care of him in her apartment, hadn’t had a real boyfriend since high school. I honestly do this as much for the company as the money, she said.

So I can stop paying you?

She said fuck no, and laughed. But I do like you.

I’ll take what I can get.

One other thing, she said, was Sammy was huge. I’d seen him naked and I’ve seen him… when he was hard in the morning, in his pajamas. But my God, it’s bigger than porns…

Yeah, autistic guys, he said. He’d gone to Carnegie-Mellon. A university with excess males. They put him in the all men’s dorm with the ECE kids who had Aspergers. The shower was one big holocaust room and there were kids from all over- Sweden, Mongolia. Every single one, he said– even the Chinese guys had dick to the floor. Big penis, incredible spatial reasoning– they can spin a tesseract but can’t read emotional cues. I think it’s older moms, high prenatal testosterone exposure–

You sound like you have it too.

I’m just saying there’s a fine line, Sammy might have more going on in there–

Can I ask you something.


Do you think, like– do you think he needs a woman

I mean–

Like do guys need this.

I don’t–

And is it wrong for him to go through his whole life without it. Or if I got him one can he even consent. Like would it be rape.

Why are you asking me this–

Because you know about this. Because if he was a girl it would be rape. But I think a guy’s different. I don’t know what he wants or what he feels. I just want to take care of him. I want to know if I should get him a hooker.

Can I see him, he said. Then I’ll know.


They lived in Koreatown. Sammy had a Superman T shirt on. He had a long neck, a patchy beard. He rubbed his palms hard on his eyelids and twisted around on the couch making the leather squeak. When you talked he’d curl up. Make himself small. But for a second he would look at you. There was someone in there.

He’s not a bad person, she said. He’s just different. They thought he was a punishment. They prayed for a miracle to fix him. They laid hands on him and he would just scream and scream– he was just a little kid. He can’t get married but maybe this is something he can have–

She was right. He leaned over Sammy, who was curled up rocking, slapping the tops of his feet. Huge pipe hot and angry in his Star Wars pajama bottoms. Hey man, he said. We’re gonna help you bro.

Nrrrreeeeeannnnnnhgghh, said Sammy.


If Sammy got scared by an unfamiliar environment, he could bite. The Korean places in Fontana were out. Thailand was obviously out. We have to use Seeking Arrangement, he said.

It’ll be weird to see the other girls on there.

They were on her laptop. The girl was Asian and she looked gentle. Her name was Caprice. Why her, she said.

If it’s his only time, it should be an Asian with an ass. Best pussy in the world.

That’s offensive.

Tell Einstein his physics are offensive.

I am kind, smart and sexy,

said Caprice’s profile.

I love taking care of my body and always keep my looking very best.

**WARNING: Any institutions or individuals using this site for studies, articles, or any other use – You DO NOT have permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. In response to the new Seeking Arrangement guidelines I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to all of my personal details, photos and videos, etc. (as a result of the Berne Convention) For commercial or any use of the above my express written consent is needed at all times. I hereby notify Seeking Arrangement that it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, disseminate, or take any other action against me on the basis of this profile and/or its contents. The aforementioned prohibited actions also apply to employees, students, agents and/or any staff under Seeking Arrangement’s direction or control. The content of this profile is private and confidential information

Have you seen my wishlist? View Here

Are they all this stupid, she said.


How are you going to–

I know these girls.

I have a client whose identity needs to be kept extremely confidential, he typed. He’s developing an important new cryptocurrency.

Like an NFT?

Yes, exactly–

Ooh, intriguing

The client cannot communicate with you directly. He’s on a talking fast funded by the Thiel Foundation. I’ll give you clear instructions.


Caprice wore a black dress. She and her ass looked like their pictures. No condom, like we discussed, he said. He’s clean. It has to be natural. I’ll send the rest of the Ether after–

She walked into Sammy’s room and closed the door and they waited on the couch.

And a sound started. She was murmuring. Nrreannggh, Sammy was saying, a low susurrus that seemed to rustle under the drywall. Should we check if he’s OK she said, but it was louder and it was like the room was shifting. The corners taking on non-Euclidean angles. The beams rattling and roaring and the furniture walking like elephants. The walls thumping and Caprice was wailing like a cat fighting a jackal, shrieking strange syllables like Oriental incantations. The sunlight seemed to burn the curtains off and a bright lance of light pumped the room full of rainbows.

Nrreeeeeannnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggghhhhhhhhhhh, said Sammy. And it was quiet.


Caprice no longer looked like her pictures. In the hallway her hair was heavy with sweat and she smelled like dirt after the rain. You can tell he’s a genius, she said, as she checked her phone for the deposit.

When she was gone they looked in on him. To see if they’d done something terrible.

Sammy had pulled off his pajama bottoms with X-wings and tie fighters. Pushed off his soaked through Chewbacca top sheet. He looked up from the bed. Stood up still and tall and strong. In a deep perfect voice like a newscaster he said: thank you.

13 Responses to “Sammy”

  1. pancakemouse March 6, 2022 at 8:56 pm #

    Favorite thing you’ve written in a long, long time.

  2. Bonnes Tacos March 7, 2022 at 1:28 pm #

    A hearty Nrrreeaaannngghh for this, sir.

  3. Anonymous March 7, 2022 at 6:33 pm #

    Why does the girl always have to be Asian?

    The autistic virgin was a Mexican guy. So she should have been Latina. Comfort in what you know.

    • Professor Nrrreeaaannngghh March 8, 2022 at 9:56 pm #

      Because we’re not gay here.

  4. Professor Nrrreeaaannngghh March 8, 2022 at 9:56 pm #

    Ok fine. That was good.

  5. I.M. Hornei March 9, 2022 at 7:53 pm #

    Taco you file this poast under Fiction,
    but sumting tell me it happen in real-life

  6. Vyacheslav Semenchuk, Founder of BitCoen March 10, 2022 at 10:15 am #

    Finally, a relatable post.

  7. March 11, 2022 at 6:13 pm #

    Good morning Sirs, pls do the Needful

  8. Teh Tard of Tarkov March 12, 2022 at 5:56 pm #

    Some men are so “special” that even the tighest, wettest, most horizontal Pussy cannot help. I know because I am one such Man.

    • Dr. Von Gaybird March 12, 2022 at 9:19 pm #

      wtf is wrong with you? seek help and stop shitting up the comments section.

  9. Iakobos March 25, 2022 at 1:04 am #

    Enkidu and Shamhat?

  10. Anonyfuckingmous May 24, 2022 at 2:54 pm #

    This made my day brighter. Its still bad, but brighter at least.

  11. Anonymous March 11, 2023 at 7:28 pm #

    This story made me pro-eugenics.

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