image stolen from boingboing.net
Go do this right now. It’ll take 30 minutes:
1. Open your profile. Get your photos in order. Put your 3 hottest pics from facebook on top.
2. In “details,” add 2 inches to your height and give yourself a $20,000 raise. Like every other dude.
3. Cut and paste the below essays. Do not edit. In “About Me,” add the name of your town. If you’re a girl, change “cock” to “pussy,” but– you’re not a girl. Get rid of “I’m Really Good At” & “I Spend A Lot of Time Thinking About” if you already have them:
My Self-Summary
I was whelped by a slave woman, the legends say. On a mountain crag by night; cries of the snow leopards echoing below. Left to die in the savage snows. A bitch wolf found me and gave suck. I was with the pack ten years before men came.
They took me for a curiosity. I was hauled to their cities in chains, a thing to leer at. One night I bit out my jailer’s throat and ran free under the moon. By then I knew speech. I made my way to the New World on a steamship.
By the time hair sprouted on my cock I’d tamed lands, beasts, and women. Dark eyed servant girls laughed and filled my cup with wine; my cellars were stacked high with gold. Still. I was troubled by dreams. Talons of snow in the dark. The shrieking wind.
Now I live in (NAME OF YOUR TOWN/ NEIGHBORHOOD).
What I’m Doing with My Life
Gold. Jewels. Horses. Yachts. Actually I call them “boats” now. It’s gauche to call a yacht a “yacht.” They teach you that in schools for extraordinary people. Oh, you haven’t been?
Hang gliding. Paragliding. Flying private planes drunk like JFK junior. Chess. Jaguar wrangling. The finest Colombian cocaine. Skeet shooting, both the shooting clay shit with a goose gun kind and the porno kind. I also teach adult literacy classes at the library.
Seriously: I have a job, I do OK. It’s not my life. I do it so I can get a check that lets me make art, hear music and travel. I want a soul mate but before that I want whatever you call the drunken boning version of a soul mate. Let’s get sauced some night and talk shit and see if we like each other.
Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music and Food
Cat’s Cradle, The Last Temptation of Christ, The Holy Mountain, AC/DC before Bon Scott bit it, Curtis “Pussycrusher” Mayfield, Dolly “Cock Destroyer” Parton, NWA, early Bukowski, Nabokov but not to where I’m gonna want to talk about the footnotes to Pale Fire with you, Dale Carnegie’s How to Not Get a Boner on the Bus and Weird Everyone the Fuck Out, The Bible, The Qu’ran spelled with a Q and prominently displayed so you know how multicultural I am, Solaris (the real one), Rumi, Leonard “The Superpimp” Cohen, The Big Bang Theory if every episode were just 22 minutes of the cast being slowly skinned alive, ASOIAF which I don’t need to spell out for you cuz you’re a dork, Claude “Ass Shredder” Debussy, Johann Sebastian “Thunderscrote” Bach, Spongebob if baked.
The Six Things I Could Never Do Without
Wine. Tits. Five tits so the math works.
On a Typical Friday Night I Am
Fully nude, evading police. Helping underprivileged kids.
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit
You already know my PIN is 6969.
You Should Message Me If
Don’t call me, I’ll call you.
4. Go to Quickmatch. Rate people until you’ve built up 50 5-stars.
5. In Quickmatch, go to “Who You Like.” Go down the list, open profiles in new tabs. Copy paste this message. Leave punctuation and line break intact:
I want to go out with you.
How about it.
6. When you get a response, say this:
(SHORT SENTENCE OF BANTER IF NEEDED).
How about (YOUR NEAREST BAR) at 9.
7. Exchange #’s, go on date.
8. Report results in comments.
delicioustacos 
LOL this was one of the funniest posts I’ve seen.
“Dale Carnegie’s How to Not Get a Boner on the Bus and Weird Everyone the Fuck Out” and “The Big Bang Theory if every episode were just 22 minutes of the cast being slowly skinned alive” Those were my favs for that profile section. Thanks for the laughs DT
Also, are you currently doing this with your profile?
This is great. I made my OK Cupid profile a horny cad and my Match profile the guy you would want to take home to mom. I have used a couple of your 44 OKCupid openers — I have a few different versions of #4 and #21, based on the most cursory scanning of her profile.
.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/k_whole
that’s after adding 20k? sobering thought.
i’ve rarely looked at guys’ profiles on OKC. i notice that they all say “replies frequently.” i wonder if creating socket puppets or having female friends write and then not replying until you get to “selectively” would be a legit strategy.
I get $1024 a month from unemployment, so yes.
Jesus buddy, get a job and get it together.
stfu
Too bad I lost most of my pictures, the ones I have are 10 years old with ms paint mustaches added.
Tell them all the same time and place? Or spread this shit around. Fuck I wish there was actually a bar near here.
Just take DT’s then
Well fuck, this beats the shit out of my profile. And I thought mine was pretty good.
The first paragraph is one of the funniest pieces of writing I have ever read. I was in tears before I got any further. I’m exhausted from laughing so much!
I laughed so hard I got into a wicked coughing fit and then my colleagues came running in my cubicle and I could barely choke out “Delicious Tacos!” They all nodded sagely and smirked collectively.
Good times.
Have any of you ever been called out for using DT’s opening lines or text?
I’ve been using the “You’re cute. I’d like to take you on a date. Basically.” For like a fucking year and a half now.
Never bothered with OK Cupid since your number one fan got me blocked. This is making me want to try again. Should be easy and all with a different IP address from moving. Will report back later.
Haha, which one? The infamous Sylvia?
Lololololol. Fucking gold.
Ah Jesus, not this fuckin’ shit again. You pussified little bitch, what the fuck? I mean this:
“Left to die in the savage snows. A bitch wolf found me and gave suck. I was with the pack ten years before men came.”
What the fuck is with you lately, man? “Ohhh, I had the worst fucking childhood of anyone, everything was sooo hard for me!” Well, fuck you, try having your village raided by the Hordes of Jath when you’re too young to remember anything, only dim memories of a night of fire and horror and screams, and the grim, scarred visage of the warlord who murdered your entire clan.
Then add twenty years of toil and slavery, down among the accursed in the ore mines of King Uzkorgol of Xoct. You and twenty thousand others labouring in the smoky sulphurous warrens during endless sunless days, carrying reed baskets of raw reddish ore to the huge fire-lit chamber where the ore is melted. Everywhere in those dim, winding tunnels one hears naught save dying prisoners shrieking in the grip of madness; guards’ boots slamming the stone floors; heavy bolts shot back to unlock iron-barred doors; and the pitiful, maniacal screams of the doomed that fade away in the distance, as the rebellious slaves are dragged down to the lowermost tunnels to be thrown into the Black Pit: a great bottomless hole wherein lurks That Which Crawled Up From Beneath, an ancient, antehuman evil that legends say arose from the deepest tracts of planet’s dark heart in a forgotten age.
Ohhh, but do tell everyone about how tough you had it growing up among the grey, craggy peaks far to the north of the Ice-Marches – in motherfucking Suburbia, practically – and had to tough it out with a childhood of wolf-packs and pit-fighting with an iron collar welded around your neck. Right, like that’s such a HUGE fucking burden that’d hold someone back in life.
Fuckin’ asshole.
Goddamn but you’re wordy. Edit already.
操你媽的屄
the books & movies section, god, you’re killing it. Be my soulmate? No homo.
Not sapiens either
In the interests of SCIENCE~ I am performing this stupid test.
I think I only managed to get up to 45 or so before running the well dry. Should I be avoiding girls who are obviously dangerously insane? They still have vaginas.
During the 60 seconds or so in which I was spamming messages, 3 or 4 of the 45 visited my profile before I finished. Lovely. Will report back in a week and/or two.
I am testing as well… Also for science.
17 girls viewed my profile, and 2 of them sent me messages. One just replied “No” and the other replied “Why should I go out with you?”
To the second, I replied, “You shouldn’t. How about (bar) at 9.” She replied, “Nice try.”
My pictures are of me rock climbing, zip-lining, and driving a boat.
I’m 26, not 6″+, not broad-shouldered. I make a fucking stupid amount of money (a lot). When I show up in a bar with my sister, every girl in the place smiles and bats her eyelashes at me. The first time I kissed a girl she said, “You’re really ugly up close.” I’ve fucked two girls in my life. First with a hot one when I was 22; second with an ugly one maybe a dozen times when I was 23. All girls tell me I am arrogant; apparently in a bad, uninteresting way.
Try making less money. It’ll make you more like the rest of us. People will like you more. People hate wealthy people. It’s a thing, really.
Jay,
Two things — being cocky / arrogant is absolutely the best thing for you. Especially online… If you’re ugly up close, so what. Read the book ‘The Game’. Neil Strauss and Mystery aren’t exactly lookers… The point is they don’t care and the girls don’t, either… Ugly ass guys get as much as they want, if they think they’re better than the good-looking nice guys. Trust me. I’m good looking and nice, but I have no self-worth. When I was d-baggish in college, I had a few girls a night. I’d kick one out or invite a few back and see what happened. I was a wicked alcoholic and sometimes i’d wind up with 3 hot / decent girls down to fuck me and i’d be passed out on the couch or not able to let them in… When I was less ‘confident’ the girls still came but it wasn’t as easy. I thought. about them, about me… About things. I was too decent a guy to keep that shit up PLUS I didn’t believe I was worth a damned. The one thing about the Game I don’t believe is the part about telling the girl up front it’s just sex and them being fine with it / you doing your part. I got to a point in my late 20s where I realized if I was ok with a girl who truly was fine with that, she’s not worth another date… Fuckbuddies don’t work because except for my ex-fiance they always have SOME sort of feeling beyond friendship and penetration. I don’t need friends that I can also enter when I’m in town. They’re just people I fuck.. Arrogant is only bad if you’re boring. Stop talking about money. No one cares. Show off your watch or pull up in a nice car and then tell the best-looking chic to buy you a drink. If she won’t, walk away. Keep doing it. BTW – if the girls are all smiling and batting their eyes at you, either you really do have something going on up close (like skin-problems?) work on that. Sounds like from afar you have good hair and dress ok… start wearing ugly-ass shoes and some stupid necklace or another thing to draw attention your way. It’s called peacocking. It gets girls to look.. It’s like walking into a crowded room with platform shoes or a blinking red sign around your neck or screaming ‘cunt’ at the top of your lungs. The fact is, if it gets you attention, and you can wind up talking to a girl beyond that initial moment/shock, it won’t matter. Make sense??… Then act like an asshole. But don’t talk about yourself. your$$… your job… NONE of that is interesting to anyone. Even your wing-man (sister?) come on, man. you might want to rethink that part. Bring a girl, by all means, one who’s mildly attractive or can play a good wing. but one you can leave when you meet a vagina or one who’s cool with the ‘pivot’ role; she can meet someone else after you get a girl to hang out with you. Nothing about rolling with your sister says your fun or cool. It says she’s family. Doesn’t help with the fact you’re looking to drop the hammer. Doesn’t make you seem like the guy people want to hang out with (unless it’s mandated by birth/familial relationships)…
Sry not sad for Mr “stupid money”
I started the experiment the day this was posted. I had never used okcupid before. I sent 25 “how about it” messages to (half) the girls I gave five stars to and got 1 reply 12 page views from women in my area. I got more than 30 page views and 3 messages from DT readers (mostly male).
The one reply turned into a date at a classy local bar on a weekday. She thought the profile was funny. We bantered and I used obscene language and made jokes and did the normal stuff that makes for a good date. She has never heard of Vladimir Nabokov. She was heavier than her pictures lead on by they say that’s typical of girls on the Internet – they’re really crafty with those cameras. The date ended with her blowing me in her car and me bricking in her mouth (swallowed).
My biggest problem seems to be that I don’t have multiple, quality pictures and instead I have just one shitty one. Even though this profile is a masterpiece, most girls clearly don’t even click and thus dont get to read it.
I only answered about 50 questions and did nothing to make my profile more visible.
conclusion: five stars
How did you manage to go from hanging in the bar to her blowing you in the car?
I escalated the touching and sexual overtones over the course of the date until we were groping each other and making out on the bar patio by the end. I walked her to her car and gave her a kiss goodnight which turned into a sloppy make out session when I grabbed her tits. I said “let’s make out in your car” and we did. I put her hand on my dick while we were making out and then I pulled it out and she started sucking.
In case you are looking for a different perspective I am a girl and I just had this used on me. Obviously, I called out the user right away and I’m not anticipating a response. I was at first largely confused by the profile, then I thought it was hilarious. I then looked up a line in of it because the user didn’t look intense enough to write it seriously and it looked like too much effort to put into a joke. Of course this popped up immediately and I saw what was going on (I also guarantee I’m not the only one who did this).
SO for fun, here’s the girl version:
You Should Message Me If…
sex?
Dude, this profile is gold. I will be using this, and will report back with results.
A few girls told me “your profile is perfect”.. another one asked me why I had the same exact profile as someone else, and she would “get to the bottom of this”.. No more or less dates than usual, at zero.
Quite honestly, since making this kit my profile, I’ve gotten NOTHING. nothing about it content-wise… A few girls still messaging me saying they liked my pictures; a bunch of ‘likes’… But It’s like they don’t read it (funny how that is sometimes) they see my pics, if they like my shit they throw me some vibes whether I was whelped by a slave and enjoy the ‘thunderscrote’ or my old profile had remained…
Any woman worth her salt will question the profile right away, and google it. That’s exactly what I did, though I admit it was because I thought that that was the beginning of Conan the Barbarian or something of that ilk.
The conversion was highly amusing (to me, at least), and I’m going to post it in the OkC subreddit.
Amusing thread. http://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/comments/2jhd3j/so_this_guy_tries_out_a_fake_social_experiment/
As a woman who got a message from someone with this EXACT profile and message, I can sincerely say, that it’s really disappointing to find out this is a kit. No, this does not work. I’m not totally bored by the person and a little sad that he’s not confident or creative enough to take some elements of this and make it his own. This is stupid, be yourself online. However else are you supposed to meet someone FOR YOU?
You got me an STD. Bastard!
In other words this was all an elaborate ploy to get girls to google up delicioustacos and acquire more readers.
If the readers have boobs, then DT isn’t going to complain.