The Messiah

25 Dec
image stolen from

image stolen from

(This is a selection from my book Hot Naked Tits, which you can buy here.)

We were at dinner. And how’s your dating life, she asked. Well if I like them they don’t like me. If they like me I don’t like them. If they’re pretty they won’t fuck me. If they’re ugly they will. I spend my hours trying to find the prettiest woman who’s just ugly enough to fuck me. I can tell my worth from where the needle lands. But let’s be honest: I’ll fuck anything that moves; I’m an animal; I’ll jerk it to porn where the women look like something they pulled out of the Mariana Trench so why not fuck them in real life. Four months since you left me. I’ve been trying to replace you the whole time. One girl came close; she was 22. Her face wasn’t like yours but she had big tits. She left me too. I was hurting from you and I tried to fix it and now I’m hurting from both of you and the evidence keeps piling up that I’m unlovable. Why won’t you love me. What is wrong with me. I mean, my face, but you always said I was hot– Asian women can’t tell when white men are ugly. And vice versa. One of the few blessings God gave us, in dating. Otherwise, whether we’re loved is dictated by the shape of our skull.

You were with me for my body. She was too. She liked to get fucked bent over my bed because my closet doors are mirrors. I want to look at you, she said. You’re all hot. I looked at myself too. My ass pumping ridiculously, muscles upon muscles. It’s a fine body but it feels like a costume, or a parade float that I drive. It’s not me.

God I miss you so bad.

I’m trying to get over it. My weapon is prayer. Accept that everything is as it should be. Part of God’s plan. The closest I get is: I accept that I’ll die alone. With effort I get to where a couple holding hands on the street doesn’t make me want to hang myself. Try to give to the world rather than take. Be a source of peace to others. Don’t chase pussy, because pussy just makes you need more pussy. You accomplish nothing. Still, I’m gonna go to Thailand. They have temples and birds but I’m there to jerk off using other human beings. They are slaves who will pretend to like me due to poverty. I can’t wait.

You get closer but God Himself won’t stop you being horny. Being lonely. I’m a complex chemical accident honed by pure chance over a billion years and I exist solely to spray the goo from my ball sac into teenagers. That is God’s plan. I suffer for not adhering to it. And yet I suffer too when I comply. Women are awful. If you try you’re doomed. If you don’t try, there are no women to observe you not trying. I don’t hate women but I don’t blame men who do. When will it end. When I find a girl I love who loves me. For a minute I thought that was gonna be you.

Anyway, I’d rather not discuss it, I said. And I’m glad to be friends with you. But now I’m supposed to ask you the same question and the one thing I can’t ever hear is you talking about another man. So let’s move on to other topics. This curry, for instance. Spicy.

In the morning I went to shit out the curry. On the toilet tank was a Kafka book I found on the sidewalk. It said: the Messiah will come only when he is no longer necessary.

43 Responses to “The Messiah”

  1. survivedabortioncomeatme December 25, 2014 at 10:19 am #

    Try scientology
    ive heard good things

  2. seriouslypleasedropit December 25, 2014 at 10:36 am #

    “Accept that everything is as it should be. Part of God’s plan.”

    Man, if that works for you. I much prefer to think of it as “Everything is horrifically fucked up, but God will somehow make me come out of it alright.”

    Things are as they should be in that oranges should be round and gravity should pull down, but everything else is pretty bad. Don’t look around and assume the shit you see is the best the Almighty is capable of.

    Anyway yeah I’m a tryhard, but this is the honest part of the internet. Merry Christmas.

  3. seriouslypleasedropit December 25, 2014 at 10:39 am #

    And yeah, the thing about The Girl sucks. I know the words to say about that but I’ve had them said to me and everything still hurt. So all I can say is: sucks to be you man.

  4. Pat Pong December 25, 2014 at 10:58 am #

    You will love Thailand. Been there 3 times myself. It is a nonstop fuckfest and every man’s continuous wet pussy dream.

    Any girl out at night is available and a whore, no matter where you go. The good girls stay inside their homes. You don’t want the good ones. You want the bad ones. Trust me.

    Don’t tell American women you are going there or have gone there, though. They will assume the worst unless you travel there with a girlfriend, wife, or fiancée. Mainly because Thailand is all about fucking day and night.

    And everyone knows it.

    • RealityDude December 25, 2014 at 8:08 pm #

      not for black guys.

      • Pat Pong December 26, 2014 at 2:06 pm #

        Not for black guys??

        Tiger Woods’ parents beg to differ, lol.

        Look, even black guys can get laid like crazy in Thailand. That cuntry has no shame. They spread their legs for fugly aborigine midgets with burn scars all over their faces. They spread their legs for the pastiest, dorkiest, pimpliest Silicon Valley nerdists around. Of course a black guy can get his dick wet in the land of Bang-Cock.

        ANYONE and EVERYONE can fuck Thai pussy there. It’s so easy. It is not a challenge. All you have to do is stand there at night and look at a girl who is out at night. She will then approach you, as she will know you want sex.

        That’s all you have to do. Seriously.

  5. JackBlack23 December 25, 2014 at 11:26 am #

    I’m like your opposite — a chiseled, movie star face with a subpar body … I used to get sad because I felt that girls only liked me for my looks …

  6. Claude Martel December 25, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

    Yeah, it fucking sucks. I split with a pretty sweet girl recently. It has its ups and downs; times where I miss the shit out of her and wish I could just watch a movie and stay in, and times where I don’t have to worry about breaking her heart when another girl comes onto me or I spot someone sexy.

    You’ll be fine. It’ll take a while, and it’s gonna suck sometimes, but you’ll be fine. Keep your head up.

  7. Anonymous December 25, 2014 at 4:57 pm #

    Goddamn this is good. Merry Christmas DT you’re the only thing worth reading on the internet

  8. tolanator December 26, 2014 at 9:21 am #

    Can’t wait for the DT in Thailand stories!

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn January 24, 2015 at 6:54 am #

      Yeah DT, write a post already you fucking slacker. I wanna hear about all the 3rd world Asian pussy you ate. Bet it tasted like fish sauce and used condoms. Don’t try to downplay your depravity, either, throw in a remorseful sentence at the end of your post about you and a bunch of expats gang banging some peasant girl in black pajamas and one of those Raiden hats.

  9. Anonymous December 26, 2014 at 9:54 pm #

    You can’t find happiness in another person, people sense that neediness and are turned off by it. It’s like you’re trying to vampire suck another person’s happiness. You need to find happiness in yourself, or at least a stable lack of neediness, and then women will be attracted to that. Happiness then women, not women then happiness.

    You gotta see a therapist. You’re a talented writer, tall, and ripped, and you still hate yourself. It’s more about how you see things than about what you’re actually seeing at this point. Best of luck.

    • Anonymous December 28, 2014 at 3:15 am #

      theres something too cyclical about that…

  10. roominasions December 29, 2014 at 1:51 am #

    Move to Thailand. Fuck it. I’m going to China, myself. Sip .99 cent beers and fuck with skinny bitches in SEA until you’re too old and when you finally die you can die with a beer in your hand instead of a corporate dick in your ass. Or worse – regret on your mind. And stop picking at the scab. She’s gone and it’s time to forget about it so it can actually heal.

  11. Anonymous December 29, 2014 at 2:22 am #

    Well I had a dream in which you kicked off a dock and drowned. I am a dude so don’t get excited that some hot chick dreamed about you. Hot chicks are too preoccupied by nail art to dream at all. I digress. The unconscious connects us all, in sometimes stupid ways. As my dream indicated that you want to off yourself, I just felt it needed to be said that the world would suck a little more without you.

  12. shiva3epiphany December 29, 2014 at 11:34 am #

    If sex doesn’t work, (which it doesn’t without love or the illusion of love),
    I suggest try meditating .. it helps you forget about sex or wanting anything when you get into it..Forget the outside, shallow, surface, look at your soul and what it has learned and could teach.. let thought pass..suspend thought or judgement. Connect.Then suddenly with no need y
    ou attract everyone. You are beautiful inside, you just need someone who sees that, more than what you wear for a body or how well you meet the status of culture.;)

    • the eternal soul of a slutty male slut December 29, 2014 at 8:00 pm #

      my soul wants to cum inside your soul.

      just being honest.

      • shiva3epiphany January 3, 2015 at 8:44 pm #

        who me? my soul? or any chicks? lol if its just my eternal soul

      • Anonymous January 4, 2015 at 1:52 am #

        Seriously. Is this whaten like? All my life I’ve made sense and have been afraid of sounding common and simple. Little did I know.

      • shiva3epiphany February 4, 2015 at 1:25 am #

        I like how this sounds a lot,

        but a soul doesn’t really ‘cum’ like that..more an oozing into each other than a spurt with souls luv!!

  13. I Am Cornholio December 30, 2014 at 7:45 pm #

    Read the Kafka, Then Sartre and Camus. Life is bullshit, a cosmic sitcom filled with one absurdity after another. Either there is no God, or there is and He doesn’t give a shit. What difference does it make?
    Find a girl. Stop hating yourself long enough to see her rather than your self-loathing projected onto her. That’s the only trick, but I won’t lie and say it’s easy. What else are you going to do?

    • Anonymous December 31, 2014 at 4:56 pm #

      Oh please do a review of Sartre!

      • shiva3epiphany January 3, 2015 at 8:47 pm #

        Could u all just believe god is really Goddess for a sec boys then what?? can u suspend your ingrained trained dogmatic
        judgement like that..?

      • Anonymous January 4, 2015 at 1:49 am #

        do you even Sartre?

  14. Anonymous January 4, 2015 at 1:54 am #

    Is shiva Emily?

  15. Atlanta Man January 5, 2015 at 4:50 am #

    I am so happy you are traveling again! Soon you have sex stories written with the help of the desperately poor, their poverty will enable the satiety of your darkest sexual desires. I will enjoy every exciting chapter or you sex tourism tales…

  16. Stable dude January 5, 2015 at 4:09 pm #

    I’d try improving personality/inner game, here’s a nice article to start from

    • Anonymous January 5, 2015 at 4:39 pm #

      Dear lord as if that isn’t the bullshit that got him here in the first place. Stop chasing ass. Get a life.

      • Stable dude January 10, 2015 at 1:09 am #

        Which is precisely what the linked article talks about, among other things 🙂

    • Anony-fucking-mous January 20, 2015 at 2:15 pm #

      I find it funny that you think DT needs to read up on game. Of all the shit he needs the least.

      • Stable dude January 29, 2015 at 8:22 pm #

        Game≠ Inner game.

        DT knows all about game, but if his writing above is anything to go by, he needs help with more than that.

        That link I posted talks about such matters.

  17. differentdegreesofmeh January 16, 2015 at 11:14 am #

    Reading your writing with this song in the background ( and smiling at the beautiful nothingness of it all.

    More updates DT.

  18. Picro Menis January 20, 2015 at 11:50 am #

    I’m baffled by why you won’t release an ebook or something. You get quite a few comments, and I’m sure at least half the people who comment would buy it. Just don’t care?

  19. Ash Ketchum January 28, 2015 at 4:17 pm #

    Give us a follow-up post, you lazy slob


  1. The Messiah | - December 25, 2014

    […] The Messiah […]

  2. The Messiah | shiva3epiphany - January 29, 2015

    […] The Messiah. […]

  3. Don’t Tell Me You Love Me | Riverside Green - October 16, 2015

    […] we are. DT works out and starves himself until he is physically perfect, then despises the result: “It’s a fine body but it feels like a costume, or a parade float that I drive. It’s not me… I swing between 215 and 250 pounds, eat whatever I want, rely on Ermenegildo Zegna to dress up the […]

  4. Morning Diary: You Can All Suck My Dick | delicioustacos - June 3, 2017

    […] York people now. White Creative Directors of Comcast’s Diverse Women Entrepreneurs Campaign. Agnes married one of them. They’ll buy a house in El Sereno. She’ll make sure it’s on […]

  5. Goodbye OKCupid | delicioustacos - May 27, 2018

    […] she left. Supposed to be a one night stand. I met Agnes on OKCupid who is the girl in this, this, this and this and left work to drive me to the emergency room for my unexpected asshole surgery. Held my […]

  6. Fucking Chelsea | delicioustacos - January 11, 2020

    […] morning, apropos of nothing, someone brought up an old post you were in. You’re a throwaway sentence but the theme is being alone forever. Whether we’re loved […]

  7. Agnes Kwon | delicioustacos - December 11, 2021

    […] saw Agnes Kwon on Hinge. The girl The Wolf Witch is about, and many other things. Do I message her, I thought on the toilet. I have money now. So it’s less […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: