Universal Basic Woman

30 Sep

Holbein peasant

When Yang made the announcement people were stunned. The Cato Institute slipped their children cyanide pills. Held their hands while they convulsed and foamed and slipped mercifully into the night. Chelsea Handler set herself on fire. Even the channers couldn’t believe it– and it was them who’d made it happen. But I signed up the next day. It was like my prayers were heard.

Incel had taken out Amazon. Not the whole thing at once– but they’d figured out that you could get an RC chopper at the hobby store. A pack of model rocket engines. Ten Incel fedayeen could blow up transformers next to Fulfillment Centers any given day and that was that. Hundreds of millions vanished. Workers evacuated but still paid as Bezos’ fingers clenched futilely around that precious seven dollars an hour slipping away. And, importantly, no Value Added. No tax collected on every robot delivered package. Every self-driving truck mile. Google and Facebook didn’t even need a bomb. They were ad sales operations. Someone found their real data, sent it to their clients. No tax on every click. Zuckerberg retired to his acreage in Hawaii to live out his days diving. He’d caught the business end of a Portuguese man o’ war. Priscilla had made it through med school. But appearing distraught was the hardest thing she’d ever done.

For the first time in history, the unlaid were organized. People had had Freedom Dividends six months. Now taking it away meant murder. And there, one day, on Jack Dorsey’s hacked Twitter after an introductory FUCK N*GGERS, was a list of demands. It was one item long.

We want GFs

Yang caved. I was 45. My mother had stopped asking about girlfriends. Then about pets. Then about anything but suicidal ideation. I’d voted for Yang. Donated. Even though his signs needled me at night. DO THE MATH. Ever increasing odds of my middle aged sperm causing autism. The math said I’d grow old and die. Never hold my first child. Or I’d spend my days fighting him off as he bit me savagely for moving his oscillating fan. My own fault. Sometimes I’d think of her. Maybe text. Thinking I shouldn’t have let go. She’d text back. I remembered why I did.

The system was National E-Harmony. You punched in stats about yourself. It found you one match, one time. Math. A woman who dated her match two years could quintuple her Freedom Dividend. It’s national sex trafficking, said Rachel Maddow, rasping like male hope was cutting off her air. It didn’t matter. Cable news viewers averaged 78 years old. By the next election they’d be dead.

You punched in stats and she did too and the system gave her your address and one morning the doorbell rang.

**

Hi, she said.

Hi.

I’m Jocelyn.

She looked Irish. That was the first problem. Under 38, over 32. I don’t want to fuck her, I thought. I specifically said Asian. But no, fucking isn’t the point here. Do you want to come in.

I’d rather not, until we know each other.

Jesus Christ is she rejecting me already. 5 grand a month not enough to get a woman in my apartment. Yeah of course, I’ll uh come out– did you have trouble finding the place?

No.

OK well thanks for coming–

Well it was mandated by the government, she said. She wasn’t bad looking. She smiled, and I remembered I wasn’t either.

**

I took her to the duck pond near my apartment. They’d have given me someone who likes birds. I’d mentioned it 10 times in the form. There was a mating pair of ruddy ducks. The small auburn male with his bright blue bill stood on a rock, preening. Diligently pushing air out from his feathers to reduce buoyancy. The longer he can stay underwater, the more small crustaceans he can find, I explained. So you’re into ducks, she said. It didn’t sound like good news.

Nature helps me find peace.

And you write self help books.

Self-published books, they’re about, like– they don’t help people. They actually got flagged when the Incel stuff started–

Wait, are they like bad? Omigod are you alt r–

No, no. It’s just, very honest about sex stuff, society

And you don’t have a job. You make a living from the books.

That and the Freedom Dividend, yes.

Are you going to ask what I do?

OK

I’m a writer too. That’s why they matched us.

She was pitching pilots for streaming, she explained. Or perhaps I’ll get on staff somewhere, but for now my agent’s waiting to hear back from Quibble–

Is that–

They have a billion dollars for development from Dubai. But I also do a lot of work in branded. And with nonprofits. And I’m producing an unscripted series where young women of color rescue dogs using robotics they built. That’s for Comcast.

It doesn’t sound like you need money.

Well none of it’s paying me. But I just did this to see who they gave me.

What do you think?

I asked for someone passionate about food. Travel. Someone passionate about racial justice–

I asked for an Asian.

Oh, because you want a submissive little wife?

No, a tight pussy.

I waited. And she did laugh.

**

She moved in in January with her black Great Dane, Dante. I threw out the antibiotics I’d been hoarding in the medicine cabinet to make room for her pills. The SSRI made it hard for her to cum. It took an hour with two cramped fingers hooked into her and my jaw starting to ache. Feeling like a medieval woodcut of a peasant plowing dry fields, while Death looms over his shoulder. Half the time I’d apologize. Take a walk, frustrated. Leave her alone with the dog. But she said without them she wasn’t herself.

It was hard, but she was mine. In September I asked her about taking the IUD out. It always made me feel like a weasel had bitten me. And she said maybe. Maybe soon. You’re so good with Dante.

Then her pilot got picked up.

She got a Wikipedia entry. Jocelyn Finnegan is an American actress, writer, producer, personality and activist. Be careful, I joked with her. You have a Wikipedia, you’ll want to leave me for a guy with a bigger Wikipedia. And he’ll want to leave you for his 22 year old Asian intern. She just glared. That’s kind of racist, she said.

I didn’t mean it that way.

You know my agent asked about your books.

Oh yeah?

Not like that. She’s worried they’ll be a story. They could be a problem for me.

I asked why, but I knew. Because they’re kind of hateful, she said.

They’re not hateful–

You said “fuck the Jews.”

Not all of them

Well what do you think Buzzfeed would think of that. You think it’s funny but people read this stuff and they become racist. People like you are why Brexit happened. Racists–

Brexit was about Polish people– are they not white

You spread hate and those fucking people read it and that’s why we had Trump–

Jesus Christ can you let it go? He’s gone.

Yeah just like Voldemort was gone

Oh my fucking God is this real–

How can you not get this, she said. You think you’re fucked up because you were alone so long. But you were alone because you’re so fucked up. I’m leaving.

We have a year left

I’m requesting a transfer for abuse. They’ll give me the money prorated. Please, just don’t make this hard. If you ever cared about me, just sign–

I said yes. I was 46.

**

I don’t know what happened to her. The pilot didn’t go to series. I think she froze her eggs. I haven’t become a story, yet.

Since my last partner filed the papers I was ineligible to reapply. This was not uncommon. Less than 9% of couples stayed together for the jackpot. Most partnerships terminated for abuse claims.

A year later I spent my last Freedom Dividend. Hard to find the right material. Amazon wouldn’t ship what you needed. Am I fucked up from being alone so long. Or am I alone because I’m so fucked up.

Looking back it never could have worked. Me and her, or any of it. The world moved on. The normal inherited the Earth. They saw us as the enemy. The last pocket of retrograde evil in a society moving toward sexless pet care utopia. And she was right. I did say hateful things. I did help cause problems.

I’m sorry for that. And for what I’m about to do.

22 Responses to “Universal Basic Woman”

  1. Nikolai Vladivostok September 30, 2019 at 11:16 pm #

    “I asked for someone passionate about food. Travel. Someone passionate about racial justice–
    I asked for an Asian.
    Oh, because you want a submissive little wife?
    No, a tight pussy.”

    You make me laugh. Classic DT.

    There’s enough in that premise for a brilliant novel. If only you could publish it before Yang pulls out of the race, but I guess that’s impossible. It would be topical. CNN would gripe about it. You’d be bigger than BAP.

    Just a thought.

  2. seriouslypleasedropit October 1, 2019 at 10:03 am #

    Why did I never notice “fedayeen fedora” before?

  3. kek October 1, 2019 at 11:37 am #

    >I specifically said Asian.

  4. Atlanta Man October 2, 2019 at 12:47 pm #

    Universal Basic Bitch….

  5. The Sanity Inspector October 2, 2019 at 7:10 pm #

    GolfClap.gif

  6. Nathan October 2, 2019 at 9:12 pm #

    Found a potential gf for you:
    https://www.instagram.com/ohmichellelee/
    She’s Korean, lives in LA. Looks to be around the age you’re OK with but not ideal. Not under 25. Let me know what you think. I’ll find some other ones for you by cold-approaching azngrils in real life.
    Cheers mate.

    • Nathan October 2, 2019 at 9:25 pm #

      her full name & occupation:
      Michelle Soo In Lee – Social Media Coordinator – FTLO Travel

      probably not marriage material. but I think she’ll give you a solid year of fun. this is my real email by the way. i’ll accept your $5k reward in cash and/or linkies.

  7. sevensec October 2, 2019 at 11:18 pm #

    That may be the most ingenious closing line I ever read.

  8. Anonymous October 3, 2019 at 11:12 am #

    What the fuck is up with IUDs and poking people, why is this still a problem, did the inventor have a urethral insertion fetish or something.

  9. Not an Incel just a Hapless Romantic Who Browses DT on his 30 Min Wagie Lunch Break October 4, 2019 at 9:29 am #

    100% based. glad to see you are still writing. no pressure though. you could be the quinten tarantino of writing. publish a new book just once every 5-10 years. in between those gaps: horney & lonely tweets, some short prose about fat mexicans in yoga pants cackling at the coffee shop. whatever you want. it’s up to you. have it your way. shill or do not shill, there is no try. let go. there is no spoon. you can do it, put your back into it.

  10. Bonnes Tacos October 4, 2019 at 3:23 pm #

    Hehehe, this was a good one. And you nailed the ending.

  11. Anonymous October 10, 2019 at 7:18 am #

    I’ve been wondering. Is your full name “Delicious J. Tacos”?

  12. Pynchon October 10, 2019 at 3:28 pm #

    As by DT’s allowance, I would like to share my own writing with you all. If you enjoy surreal edgy fiction & poetry please consider checking out my short story & website.
    https://voicefromcatland.wordpress.com/2018/03/06/last-ride/

  13. anon October 12, 2019 at 9:22 am #

    Reminder that a woman’s life is so much easier than a man’s that all they have to do is just literally talk about themselves into a microphone and lonely male losers will pay them money. They just need a camera and a microphone and they can make thousands of dollars each month. Women will never know the struggle of being homeless as men will always be there to pay for a woman’s mistakes and incompetence. The majority of men have to work a back breaking 50 hours a week whereas females can just pucker their lips and wink at a camera to earn a comfortable life without ever facing adversity or hardship.

    • al October 20, 2019 at 7:12 pm #

      yes, but they age out quickly and ALL of their value is in their looks and fertility. They age like milk and men age like wine. Furthermore, a man can lift himself above his natural station…both temporarily and permanently with hard work, learning, discipline. A woman cannot generally punch above her weight unless she locks down an under priced asset of a man very early in life.

      The point: Be happy that you are a man. You are literally a few bucks, a little fame, a little discipline, a few reps away from getting all the women and the type of women you want,

  14. Dog food lid October 15, 2019 at 3:36 pm #

    This is excellent writing.

  15. Dr Caveman October 16, 2019 at 2:02 pm #

    This was great. Thanks

  16. The Techno-Soothsayer October 23, 2019 at 11:17 am #

    DT, you’re an inspiration for me. Been following you since 2017 and happy to see Finally, Some Good News sell copies. It’s selfish, but seeing your success makes me hopeful that I can get people to read my work despite having no social network to leverage. Like by leaving an anonymous comment with a link to a dystopian future short story on your blog post with a dystopian future short story. Give me points for thematic appropriateness.

    View at Medium.com

  17. Anonymous October 29, 2019 at 3:00 pm #

    I know I’m a month late but I just wanted to tell you I was [triggered] by that Jocelyn character. Good work.

  18. comment of the month November 3, 2019 at 6:04 pm #

    This is high art.

  19. Lebanotarian November 12, 2019 at 7:29 am #

    Mr Tacos, despite my online persona I am actually an attractive half Thai teenage girl (18 natch), please click the link to make my day… https://terrorhousemag.com/assassin/

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: