Archive | July, 2013

Why Bicyclists Are Such Assholes

29 Jul
image stolen from

image stolen from

Walking down the street, a couple weeks ago. Guy on a bike was going down a steep hill. Meanwhile a mother was unpacking her BMW® X5™ Sport Utility Crossover. Both drivers side doors open into the bike lane. She was laying groceries at her feet; pulling out her baby in the plastic safety chair. The guy started screaming. “Watch your FUCKIN doors, CUNT!” He swerved around her. Was going fast. But he stopped. Backtracked a little. This was so he could give her hood a couple solid hammerfists before speeding off.

At the time I thought: what a nut. But now I understand. Now I remember. Because now I got a bike for the first time in ten years. I had forgotten: riding a bike turns you crazy.

You’re cranking up a hill sweating your balls off and your heart is going four beats a second and you feel every cigarette you’ve ever smoked as nails scraping up and down your trachea. And suddenly a ’94 Honda® Odyssey™ in metallic beige cranks a hard unsignaled right right in front of you. Almost clips your wheel. You are so pumped with adrenaline that you just become an animal. You have to chase the driver down. Catch up to them at the light. Gesture for them to roll the window down. Tell them: next time that happens I’m gonna pull you out of your car and stomp your fucking teeth into the curb. Provided, you know, that they’re white or Asian. African American males get to cut me off all they want. Continue reading

Look upon Two Hours of a Woman’s Inbox, and Despair

23 Jul

womans inbox

I’ve covered this before, but in case you need further discouragement.  

Search Terms: Boner Machine Abraham Lincoln

22 Jul

Welcome horsefuckers.  Hat tip to UTB.

Relax, You Are Doomed

21 Jul
image stolen from

image stolen from

You’re not gonna get throat cancer from eating pussy and you’re not gonna get dick cancer from HPV. You’re not gonna get AIDS or syphilis or herpes. That thing on your dick is an inflamed hair follicle. Trust me; I know. I have made my body an experiment, fucking the entire internet unprotected on a first OKCupid date and then living through the paranoid terrors of a slightly itchy penis the next morning. It’s all bullshit and your doctor knows it as soon as you walk in the door. Heterosexual men are basically immune to STD’s. You couldn’t get one if you tried. Continue reading

There Is No God, But

21 Jul

we still have the mountains and the hummingbirds. Or a good drink and a good fuck. Even a good shit and a good jerk. Try as you might, you cannot escape small pleasures. The flowers please you in spite of yourself, as you walk down the street muttering. Despairing over no text message from some girl you’d get tired of if she texted you back. Worrying about work. The clouds look painterly at sunset every god damn day and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. Even if you shut the blinds the magic hour light leaks through. A baby smiles at you in the checkout line. Sees something in your eyes. It was not lost.

An Open Letter to My Neighbor with the Dogs

19 Jul
image stolen from

image stolen from


I am a nice person. You’ve seen me in the street. I have nodded warmly. If you then said “how are you,” I responded “great,” or some other polite lie. I am a nice person. I take care not to back up too close to your car on street cleaning day, even though spaces are tight. I once thanked you for planting rosemary and sage in your sidewalk median where I can easily access them in a pinch. They have flavored many chickens.

But here’s the thing with you: every morning I want to crucify you. And your son, the one with the stupid haircut, his oafish teenage smile and his stupid god damn baseball hat– I want to crucify the two of you. I want to do it in front of your dogs while they’re duct taped to a bench or something. Restrained in some way that they’re immobile but not so distracted by the pain of their bondage that they can’t pay attention to the tableau. Which is you, in agony, radius bones splintered with galvanized nails pounded through some scrap two by fours as I take one of those little torches they use for crème brulee to the most sensitive parts of your body. Continue reading

The Future Burns with Promise

15 Jul
image stolen from

image stolen from

It’s almost 7:30. I had a long commute. I worked hard. I did well at work. Found people looking for buildings. This is my job now. I drive out to the desert and sit in an office at a veneered desk and talk into a phone. In front of me is a giant monitor filled with a grid of warehouses located in a desert county, along with names and phone numbers. I call the place, try to find out if the person is interested in moving. If they are, I get money.

Maybe a lot of money. A piece of the deal. Warehouses are typically leased for periods of ten years so a lot of money changes hands if one of these things come through. But before that happens I have to punch in a lot of phone numbers off this white grid. I am in an ill fitting suit; behind me men walk around and chatter in other ill fitting suits. Their shoes are newer than mine but we pretty much look the same. Talk into the phone and try to make money come out. Outside my window are mountains. An apartment complex. Trees tossing in the desert wind, occasionally a bird. No one gets naked in the apartment windows, ever. Still, I keep a vigilant watch. Continue reading