Archive | December, 2018

Coffee Shop Diary: A Hot Shrew I Want to Fuck

22 Dec

horniman's japanese poster

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new novel Finally, Some Good News. This story is fictional, it never happened, and the guy in it is not me. I don’t get horny.

(2013)

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Diary: Taking a Shit Reading Karl Ove Knausgaard

19 Dec
Karl Ove Knausgard

Michael McDonald

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new book Finally, Some Good News. There is no point to this now. If you were gonna buy it you’ve bought it. If you’re not gonna buy it, fucking suck my dick. Seriously I hope you get hit by a truck–

(2014)

Not feeling like writing that story this morning. Took a shit reading Karl Ove Knausgaard. I want to write long streams of consciousness punctuated by Milan Kundera style philosophical sentences. Life goes by faster and faster because the meaning is drained from it. But all I can think about is pussy. Continue reading

The Clean White Socks

15 Dec
park girl

Image: Washington Post

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new book Finally, Some Good News.

(2013) Continue reading

Detergent Diary

15 Dec
aufeminin

aufeminin.com

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new book Finally, Some Good News.

Sunday

Well what the fuck. Have to go into work today. That’s bad. The good news is I don’t have a punctured tire. PSI is about 27-28 on all 4 of them. So my tire pressure light only came on as all four tires had experienced natural leakage. Probably having to do with the rain. Perhaps the cold. So: just put 3 more PSI in each tire. Which I’ll do but fuck doing it now. Also repair the fish tank so I can fill it past the point where the water sounds like a full gamelon orchestra performing a concert on the back of my neck. Also rewash the dishes that I paid 61 dollars to have a maid wash. Which naturally whatshertits left about a gallon of detergent on each one. Despite my rinsing the coffee cup three times and letting it stand full of hot water for several seconds– in spite of this I got a nice throatful of caustic cancer causing detergent that will make my penis fall off. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: What Do You Think about Donald Trump

13 Dec

trump detail

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new book Finally, Some Good News.

This was written when Stan Lee was still alive, whenever he got accused of beating off on his maid’s face.
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You Chose Each Other

9 Dec

okc starter screen

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new book Finally, Some Good News.

This story is from 2013, so has a man and woman meeting from OKCupid. 

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I Miss You

8 Dec

I miss you. I miss the smell of your hair. I miss your robust deltoids. I miss your dangling purple giblets. You have the hugest most developed cuntflaps I have ever seen. I miss them, I miss your moans, I miss your squinting eyes when you cum on top of me. I miss the dog licking my cum off the sheets, I miss the smell of the back of your head; I miss your tan, you always had a great tan. I miss you but what are you gonna do. If I got back together with you it’d be the same as before. Already I’m sending you dumb texts and I know they’re bombing. And it crushes me. So I can’t be near you. Can’t talk to you. But I miss you on me. I miss cumming in you. Waking up next to you. I miss your girl who has her shit together expensive white duvet. When you showed me pictures of your sister’s wedding I wanted it to be our wedding. I only want to get famous so you regret kicking me to the curb.