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Art Review: Self-Portrait (Performance with Object) by Emma Sulkowicz

6 Mar

emma 2

Through April 3rd at Coagula Curatorial

She thought you were hot, my date told me. Well shit. Could I pull it off. I’ve beat off to her rape video 15 times. You stand on a plywood box; she stands across from you on another plywood box; there’s a painted line between you and you talk but you’re not allowed to touch her. Close by there’s a mannequin of her called Emmatron hooked up to an iPad with canned questions. If you ask about the rape she directs you to the mannequin. The iPad says why didn’t you go to the cops right away. Why did you Facebook message him: fuck me in the butt, and so forth. You pick one. Her recorded voice comes on. Fuck me in the butt is an expression like shoot me in the head. If I told you shoot me in the head, would you literally think I want to be shot in the head. Continue reading

Protected: App Review: Tinder for iOS

11 Aug

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Business Review: LDC Collection Systems

18 Sep

ldc

I got a letter. It said I owed 62 dollars plus late fee to the city of San Francisco. For a parking ticket in June. It was for a car I no longer own. A car that’s sitting in a wrecking yard in Van Nuys, according to the man I sold it to. Come see, he said. You can look for yourself, I swear. I believe him. The head gasket was blown. There was no way he was going to get it running again.

I could remit payment by calling, by going to the city’s web site, or by mailing the money to LDC Collection Systems. I looked online. The city web site was real. The ticket was real. On the letter it said it was a white Mercedes, with the correct license plate number. My car was silver. I figured the guy sold the license plate. No, no. Come see it, come take a picture, it’s here.  The car hasn’t been in San Francisco for five years. Continue reading

Protected: Product Review: Safeway® “Nighttime Sleep” Mini Caplets

21 Jun

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Product Review: Tenga® Easy Beat Egg™ Artificial Vagina, “Silky”

29 Apr

silky egg

The fucksleeve came in the mail on a Tuesday. Just like a real woman it took forever to come, he thought. There’s a joke you’ll never be able to tell in public.

As promised it was in discreet packaging. A surprisingly small box. Within this was a plastic egg that contained the fucksleeve. While small, it could be stretched, per the pamphlet, “to accommodate any size penis.” There were also hints on how to maximize sensation on the glans and frenulum; some artist had been paid to draw a hand in various positions stretching this piece of silicon over a healthy-sized member. It’s a living. Inside the thing’s orifice was a single use packet of lube, but he opted for Curel Intensive Care instead. Save the special stuff for a rainy day.

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Product Review: Kidde® Combo Smoke/ Carbon Monoxide Alarm, Model KN-COSM-IB

22 Feb

combo-smoke-carbon-monoxide-alarm_install

I woke up and a demonic metal brontosaurus was leaning over me, shrieking, and then murmuring in a woman’s voice.  Behind her was Satan, in a long black cloak with glowing red eyes.  I screamed and screamed.  “Low battery” said the demon.  What the fuck?  “Low battery.”  What– Satan was my coat, his eyes were the reflection of my alarm clock in the window.  The dinosaur was my lamp.  I must have taken my phone off vibrate, it was telling me to charge it.  Weird, it had never done that before.  I could hear the neighbors thumping upstairs, thinking I’d been gutted.  Their dog was freaking out.  I found the phone, turned it off.  Started drifting off again.  Dreamt I was on a boat in the ocean. Mona was there, her sun-warm skin, her belly.  The wind.  Sardines glimmering in the sunlight under the waves… Continue reading

Television Review: Girls

18 Feb

Lena Dunham & Vena Cava

I got a legal notice in the mail from Home Box Office Inc., a division of Time Warner International.  As a jerkoff with a web site nobody reads, I am required by law to discuss their television show Girls, broadcast on Sunday nights.  I hadn’t seen it.  But I’d read about it.  Girls Girls Girls all the god damn time, feminist sites, the Man-O-Sphere, the New York Motherfucking Times.  Nothing is happening on this planet except Girls.  We got a show now where losers get drunk and fuck, just like you.  How are you not watching.

It’s racist because there are no black people, said the left.  It’s bullshit because no one would fuck a fat chick, said the antifeminists.  It sucks because everybody in it is somebody famous’ daughter, said people who think that photographing dioramas of fucking Barbies makes you Brad Pitt.  Or that anyone remembers who the drummer from Bad Company was, or had even noticed they had drumming.  You remember that one song they had about cowboys or some shit.  Man, the snare in that.  That one time he hit the high hat.  Chills.   Continue reading