When I think of “alt lit” I think of date rape. Tao Lin accused of skin beefs and emotional abuse by his sixteen year old lover who transitioned into a man. I think of the careful looking-up-”important”-in-the-thesaurus apology he’d have to make if it came out now instead of 2014. It’s important that we continue this urgent conversation and absolutely crucial that we believe… and you’d normally say “believe women” except now you’re misgendering. But you don’t want people to skim and think you’re Jerry Sandusky taking sixteen year old boys in the ass, either. What a nightmare. Rape is so, so important, and these accusations always true except now, and I fucked her before she was a man but trust me I believe it’s wrong to point that out… Continue reading
Art Review: Self-Portrait (Performance with Object) by Emma Sulkowicz
6 MarThrough April 3rd at Coagula Curatorial
She thought you were hot, my date told me. Well shit. Could I pull it off. I’ve beat off to her rape video 15 times. You stand on a plywood box; she stands across from you on another plywood box; there’s a painted line between you and you talk but you’re not allowed to touch her. Close by there’s a mannequin of her called Emmatron hooked up to an iPad with canned questions. If you ask about the rape she directs you to the mannequin. The iPad says why didn’t you go to the cops right away. Why did you Facebook message him: fuck me in the butt, and so forth. You pick one. Her recorded voice comes on. Fuck me in the butt is an expression like shoot me in the head. If I told you shoot me in the head, would you literally think I want to be shot in the head. Continue reading
Business Review: LDC Collection Systems
18 SepI got a letter. It said I owed 62 dollars plus late fee to the city of San Francisco. For a parking ticket in June. It was for a car I no longer own. A car that’s sitting in a wrecking yard in Van Nuys, according to the man I sold it to. Come see, he said. You can look for yourself, I swear. I believe him. The head gasket was blown. There was no way he was going to get it running again.
I could remit payment by calling, by going to the city’s web site, or by mailing the money to LDC Collection Systems. I looked online. The city web site was real. The ticket was real. On the letter it said it was a white Mercedes, with the correct license plate number. My car was silver. I figured the guy sold the license plate. No, no. Come see it, come take a picture, it’s here. The car hasn’t been in San Francisco for five years. Continue reading
Product Review: Tenga® Easy Beat Egg™ Artificial Vagina, “Silky”
29 AprThe fucksleeve came in the mail on a Tuesday. Just like a real woman it took forever to come, he thought. There’s a joke you’ll never be able to tell in public.
As promised it was in discreet packaging. A surprisingly small box. Within this was a plastic egg that contained the fucksleeve. While small, it could be stretched, per the pamphlet, “to accommodate any size penis.” There were also hints on how to maximize sensation on the glans and frenulum; some artist had been paid to draw a hand in various positions stretching this piece of silicon over a healthy-sized member. It’s a living. Inside the thing’s orifice was a single use packet of lube, but he opted for Curel Intensive Care instead. Save the special stuff for a rainy day.
Product Review: Kidde® Combo Smoke/ Carbon Monoxide Alarm, Model KN-COSM-IB
22 FebI woke up and a demonic metal brontosaurus was leaning over me, shrieking, and then murmuring in a woman’s voice. Behind her was Satan, in a long black cloak with glowing red eyes. I screamed and screamed. “Low battery” said the demon. What the fuck? “Low battery.” What– Satan was my coat, his eyes were the reflection of my alarm clock in the window. The dinosaur was my lamp. I must have taken my phone off vibrate, it was telling me to charge it. Weird, it had never done that before. I could hear the neighbors thumping upstairs, thinking I’d been gutted. Their dog was freaking out. I found the phone, turned it off. Started drifting off again. Dreamt I was on a boat in the ocean. Mona was there, her sun-warm skin, her belly. The wind. Sardines glimmering in the sunlight under the waves… Continue reading
Business Review: Planet Fitness, Somerville Massachusetts
10 JanI didn’t know it was the one with the “Lunk Alarm.” I was just going with my brother because he had a free pass. But it turns out Planet Fitness is the chain that made news a few years back for not allowing grunting. Not allowing overly strenuous barbell exercises, weight dropping or general steel on steel clangor, and above all else banning “judging.” Signs everywhere in the purple and yellow interior remind you that this is a Judgement Free Zone. You are not to judge, lest ye be judged. Except for the biggest sign, which reminds you that it’s also a Lunk Free Zone, and there’s a big purple police gumball mounted above the definition of a Lunk, which is anyone who grunts, drops weights, or judges. You may judge Lunks. In fact, you are supposed to set off an alarm if a Lunk grunts in earshot.
Fine, I don’t give a fuck. I don’t drop weights; I wouldn’t dare waste the eccentric resistance. Lower that shit all slow and controlled. I will try not to grunt, although I can’t promise anything. Because it’s been several days since I’ve lifted and this means today must be squat and deadlift day. I’ve been known to have difficulty stifling a grunt as a dremel tool chews the bone behind my kneecaps and a family of rats eat their way out of my pelvis as I’m deadlifting. That shit is fucking painful but there is no substitute. In the world outside Planet Fitness, if my ass is unlike the twin meaty cinder blocks sported by a nude Khal Drogo, I will be judged. So, I’ll try to keep it under control but in any case let’s find a 45 pound bar and some plates and get to it. Continue reading