I didn’t know it was the one with the “Lunk Alarm.” I was just going with my brother because he had a free pass. But it turns out Planet Fitness is the chain that made news a few years back for not allowing grunting. Not allowing overly strenuous barbell exercises, weight dropping or general steel on steel clangor, and above all else banning “judging.” Signs everywhere in the purple and yellow interior remind you that this is a Judgement Free Zone. You are not to judge, lest ye be judged. Except for the biggest sign, which reminds you that it’s also a Lunk Free Zone, and there’s a big purple police gumball mounted above the definition of a Lunk, which is anyone who grunts, drops weights, or judges. You may judge Lunks. In fact, you are supposed to set off an alarm if a Lunk grunts in earshot.
Fine, I don’t give a fuck. I don’t drop weights; I wouldn’t dare waste the eccentric resistance. Lower that shit all slow and controlled. I will try not to grunt, although I can’t promise anything. Because it’s been several days since I’ve lifted and this means today must be squat and deadlift day. I’ve been known to have difficulty stifling a grunt as a dremel tool chews the bone behind my kneecaps and a family of rats eat their way out of my pelvis as I’m deadlifting. That shit is fucking painful but there is no substitute. In the world outside Planet Fitness, if my ass is unlike the twin meaty cinder blocks sported by a nude Khal Drogo, I will be judged. So, I’ll try to keep it under control but in any case let’s find a 45 pound bar and some plates and get to it. Continue reading
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