All right good morning. You don’t have to post this month. This can be the month you don’t post. You can give all this up. Write a book every five years and do three interviews. Never tweet again. Never get in arguments. If this shit were gonna get you a woman it would have. You can play Xbox. You can watch Dr. No on Amazon prime. Not a bad movie. Jame Bond sucks but the first two are really good. The first two and Casino Royale. Continue reading
From True Love
I had a dream sleeping next to my date. I dreamed I had a little girl. She had blonde hair blue eyes and she reached out to me, little hands. And I picked her up and walked her through a meadow. Told her the names of the animals. That’s a squirrel, that’s a bird. White birch trees in winter. She looked like her mother, who I never saw again.
If you end up like me it’s not so bad. But I failed. I tried hard to meet and marry a woman for 30 years. I couldn’t do it. I can’t like them and have them like me at the same time, without it blowing up. Continue reading
I don’t know what happened when he killed that girl. I only know what happened at the end. My aunt who died in April was close with him. When he made his music and then after, when they found the girl from Barbarian Queen with a bullet hole through her palate and her teeth on the carpet in his castle out in Alhambra. Continue reading
Forgot to put up a sticky post for my new book Savage Spear of the Unicorn. You can buy it here.
If you email me a receipt I’ll send you a free bonus book.
It’s a collection. It has some new stories that aren’t online, which are some of the best stuff I’ve done. It also has stories like What’s Out There, Mark and Universal Basic Woman.
2-13-20
It’s a hard time. Yesterday my “sober birthday.” Haven’t drank in six years. Tomorrow Valentine’s Day. I sent a valentine to Angela. She’d complained about me never sending one. It takes four days to ship. Day two she says she’d never be with me. She yo-yo’s back and forth and my being depends on whether there’s hope with her. There isn’t. Whether she means it doesn’t matter. The words true even if she just has PMS. Continue reading
My new novel Finally, Some Good News is live on Amazon. You can read the first seven chapters below.
If you buy paperback you get Kindle copy free (buy paperback, navigate to Kindle version, price will show as “FREE”):
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1790356229
Sample chapters:
Previously:
**********
We can fix the stove, said the landlady.
OK Gre-
AT YOUR COST
How are you going to even say that
YOU told me that YOU broke it cleaning the-
That’s not what I said Maureen
Listen: to fix that stove I have to go in there, get the make and model number, call a repairman, wait for him, pay him for an estimate, wait for him to get the parts… Continue reading
Every morning he thought: I can’t do this one more day. Often by the 5 offramp where a line of buses switching freeways made a bottleneck behind a blind curve. He’d be going fast around the bend and suddenly slow buses like a herd of elephant. Behind them an 80’s Jap pickup with six extra feet of steel pipe hanging out the back. Sometimes with a red rag tied on it. Sometimes not. Drivers from lawless places.
Pipe right at eye level and once a week he almost got lanced in the face like a jousting accident. He’d read about a woman killed by a flying manhole cover. She was driving and an oil truck bumping over it set it spinning like a giant Chinese star. Through the windshield into her eyes like the Simpsons’ dog with the frisbee. My luck it’d just make me uglier, he thought. Ugly blind and retarded. Then I’d step in the manhole. Continue reading
The Women’s March worked. Trump was deposed. A pink pussy hat now president. Horny killers from Damascus welcomed at LAX by your girlfriend. Schools teach in Mexican. New Chief Usury Officer of Goldman Sachs is trans. Brianna Wu on the $100. Eye in the pyramid now Lena Dunham’s asshole. All pregnancies terminated; late term abortions turn babies into pugs. Ploughshares beat into social media brand management. All workers sponsored content ambassadors for Huffington Post. Doritos knows Black Lives Matter. New twins in Beyonce’s cunt brought to you by Audi. Lyft pledges allegiance to Sharia. Hadiths mandate polyandrous slavery to blue haired genders that OKCupid knows no word for. Something to do with My Little Pony. All porn now clips of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Sheryl Sandberg merges with flesh NSA servers like an anglerfish, stares back at you from the place you dare not look. Honey Boo Boo’s Mom Lost 200 Pounds You Won’t Believe How Gorgeous She Is, she says in your inner voice. Like This. Justin Trudeau’s hot soft hand on your back like your gym teacher who drank before noon; his robust yoga pants package crawling and awake. Angela Merkel’s spindly tendons twitch as she palpates your Soylent incubation sac. We won, you guys. Pepsi stands against racism.
delicioustacos 