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Universal Basic Woman

30 Sep

Holbein peasant

When Yang made the announcement people were stunned. The Cato Institute slipped their children cyanide pills. Held their hands while they convulsed and foamed and slipped mercifully into the night. Chelsea Handler set herself on fire. Even the channers couldn’t believe it– and it was them who’d made it happen. But I signed up the next day. It was like my prayers were heard. Continue reading

Yoga Pants Cashier

21 Jul

Would you like a receipt, said Stephanie, the southeast Asian cashier with purple hair and a surprisingly robust ass for her ethnicity. Or would you prefer to prematurely pump approximately a 55-gallon drum of your seed into my hot tight little pussy today sir.

The choice was clear. He’d read that receipt paper contained BPAs.

You Chose Each Other

9 Dec

okc starter screen

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new book Finally, Some Good News.

This story is from 2013, so has a man and woman meeting from OKCupid. 

Continue reading

The Handjob

9 Jun

And then when he finally got a handjob it sucked. The fat girl who had edged him last time, the fat girl with the male orang utan face complete with cheek ridges, walked him back to the toilet and her giant ass in dark gray yoga pants made his dick too stiff to piss with anticipation. But they switched girls on him. Sent in an old woman with an old woman face. She tried to give him an actual massage. Leaned into his calves hard with her fists and he could feel her old woman finger bones. No collagen in her digits. Her handjob action too rigid. She wrapped his scrotum around the base of his pipe like an upside down rain poncho. His nuts like two heavy plums wrapped tight in a clear Safeway produce bag. Then after, his parachute size sac laying askew on one thigh, he felt like one of his nuts might have twisted. She was saying something about money and he was having a daydream about explaining his testicular torsion to the nurse at urgent care. He would say it was a girl. But he wouldn’t say he paid. Why didn’t you stop her, she would ask. I didn’t want to be rude.

Evaluation

3 Jun

husband shirt

He needed a raise. To save enough money to quit. HR was six months behind on his annual evaluation. This meant they knew he’d ask.

He’d had to follow up. The meeting was this morning. 9AM. The HR head would review his evaluation. They’d have budgeted an amount. But they wouldn’t mention money unless he asked. They’d pass his request to some anonymous personage. Come back with a smaller amount. A prior evaluation noted he did not always dress for the job he wanted. He would need to wear his crisp white shirt. It was custom tailored at Men’s Wearhouse. He’d had to buy it for a wedding. All cotton. No armpit stains. Continue reading

Red Dawn

20 May

cunt pic

(Previously)

The new bomb punched a hole in the sky. Over the fireball the black cloud ceiling of seething H. R. Giger demon intestines broke open. You could see blue. The blast was up high. Miles and miles East. The sound came half a minute later with heat like a blow dryer too close to your neck. Then quiet. They’d come out of the tent barefoot in the mud, lower halves naked in the cool wet air, peering over the cinder block fence and squinting. Is it safe to look, she said. Continue reading

2052

31 Mar

IMG_8928

When he could no longer walk she carried him. They were on a broad salt plain, below sea level. Thick air so quiet you could hear one six legged white lizard scampering over the mineral crystals, 50 yards out.

They’d come 200 miles. When the sun set and the night came on cold she built him a fire. Set up the tent and blew up the air mattress with what seemed like a single breath. Inside she turned her heater on. Made her face into a 12 year old Japanese like he liked. Crawled on top and put him inside her and her arm grew long and slipped under him. A warm self-lubricated finger pushed into him and spun and vibrated. He came inside her, instantly, his eyes almost popping out. He was 72 and this was the fifth time that day. After he finished she patted his back and he burped. Alexa, play music, he said. Continue reading