Reader Mailbag: Do You Get Laid, Or Do You Not Get Laid, Or What?

15 Mar

Various readers ask:

You talk all the time about how you can’t get laid and then you turn around and talk about how you got laid. Which is it, are you a loser or a player?

I am not a player. I am an alcoholic.  I sit at home or in a coffee shop miserable all day muttering to myself and terrified to even look at a woman.  Waiting for the sun to go down so I can drink. Then I have a couple pops and alcohol turns me into a pussy superhero.  I will approach anyone, say anything, come up with hilarious and insightful shit off the cuff and push and push and push until they fuck me. Any drug you get into enough, even depressants, will eventually start energizing you.  Heroin newbies nod off and sleep through their high but an old time junkie feels pumped up after a hit; he’ll be prancing around the room and shadowboxing. Because I am a practiced drunk, I can stay lucid enough to be funny when drinking.  I can stay on my feet as I drink and drink and drink until inhibitions and fear go away.  Getting a girl to fuck you is a 12 round match.  Just stay on your feet and don’t get knocked out by your own fear, by “shit tests,” by logistical problems, whatever. Your opponent will tire herself out.

I’m a sadass Clark Kent during the day and pussy Superman at night. That’s why there are so many bitter diaries talking about how I’m never gonna get laid, and then fuck stories from that same evening. Valentine’s, New Years, Fourth of July, Halloween, were all like this. I hate special occasions but I always get pussy on special occasions.  It’s like I’m two different people.  Both are assholes.

8 Responses to “Reader Mailbag: Do You Get Laid, Or Do You Not Get Laid, Or What?”

  1. Nick March 15, 2013 at 8:50 pm #

    I can actually empathize with this.

  2. yousowould March 16, 2013 at 10:26 am #

    I existed in this state most of my adult life. I never even tried to push myself to be more confident or sociable whilst sober, because I knew the weekend was always just around the corner, and with it the corresponding rise into drunken lothario stardom.

    As someone who now doesn’t drink, I can only offer one bit of advice – give up the booze. At first, you will quail at the thought of having to step up without the alcoholic crutches, and doubt you can do it. A few weeks of self-doubt will wrack you, but little by little, you will come out of yourself more and more, and learn to be the person that you know you are capable of being, now that there is nothing left to hide behind.

    And this time, it will be available to you all of the time, with no hangovers, no waking up with horrible girls in your bed due to beer goggles, and no more huge expenditures on nights out. It really is worth putting yourself through the short term pain for the long term gain.

    • I think he’s past the point of simply giving up the booze. The party boat of binge drinking has sailed, and in it’s berth is docked the titanic ocean liner of full-blown alcoholism. Horrible metaphor.

      Anyway, the point is DT probably needs a Detox. I don’t know, though, I don’t know how much he drinks on a daily basis.

    • nikolhasler March 17, 2013 at 10:49 am #

      The very idea of him giving up the booze makes my hands shake.

  3. MattC March 16, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

    Haha, definitely my favourite blog going at the moment.

    Alcohol is a wondrous catalyst.

  4. Andrew A. Sailer March 28, 2013 at 5:28 pm #

    Very good article. Great.

  5. atop glastonbury July 7, 2014 at 3:04 am #

    Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it.

    Look advanced to far added agreeable from you!

    By the way, how can we communicate?

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  1. Daily Linkage – March 16, 2013 | The Second Estate - March 16, 2013

    […] Reader Mailbag: Do You Get Laid, Or Do You Not Get Laid, Or What? | delicioustacos […]

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