Coffee Shop Diary: Not a Vegan

15 Mar

 If she were interested in fucking me she would have asked how the mac and cheese was.

I thought I had an opening. I had asked about the macaroni and cheese. I actually don’t know how it is, she said. I don’t eat cheese.

(pause)

I’m not vegan.

An in. I like that you threw that in there, as though I were gonna judge you. “As though,” I said, not “as if.”  I wanted her to know that if I were to ejaculate in her our offspring would use conjunctions correctly.  I’ll tell you if it’s any good.  That way you can present an informed opinion from now on.  Keep the eye contact.  She bites her lip; I am in.  I will dig out this coffee shop waitress’ musky snatch after one of her stupid band’s shows.  She’s a drummer, I gather, from her not being able to shut the fuck up about it to everybody.

Later she walks by and I’m eating it and she doesn’t ask how it is.  She remembers nothing of my perfect off the cuff banter.  All your charm is written in water.  On the wind.  By a unicorn that is only in your imagination.  Women don’t remember you.  They only remember famous people. 

I need to get some notoriety from this shit.  Plus I need my words and ideas to change lives for the bett– no, I just need some fucking pussy.  I need the pussy EZ-Pass; actually talking to these girls is too damn hard.

4 Responses to “Coffee Shop Diary: Not a Vegan”

  1. tangent110 March 15, 2013 at 4:37 pm #

    I think your writing is exceptional, and I enjoy it very much. Don’t let this go too much to your head, since I’m listening to the audiobook version of Dale Carnegie’s famous “How to meet friends and influence people”, and giving praise is covered in chapter one and part of chapter two. I wanted to praise the cashier and Publix tonight, but didn’t. I then regretted it on the drive home so much that I thought about turning around, driving ten minutes back, walking back into Publix, only to tell this frumpy loser that I see assistant cashier supervisor in his future. But I didn’t. That’s how much I like your writing style. Thanks.

  2. DT Fan #12 March 19, 2013 at 6:58 pm #

    “You’re not vegan? I really wish you were. See I have a theory about vegans…” etc. etc. But what do I know. I am thoroughly incompetent at flirting and dating.

    • Gary May 14, 2016 at 8:00 pm #

      Right but you’d have to have that schpeil down for every conceivable opening you might get.

  3. Pat, I mean PAT!! March 20, 2013 at 3:12 am #

    Yeah, well at least yr not motherfucking FAT! Jesus, why don’t YOU just CALM YOUR ASS DOWN, drama king? I MEAN, holy FUCKING shit. YOU seem upset about SOMETHING and RANDOMLY put a lot of words in CAPS even when it doesn’t make SENSE.

    Just calm your ass down and judge less, K?

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