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Beat the Dog

11 Aug

vick hat

I was on the beach. I was “scouting locations” for my book. I needed a house. It belongs to a specific person, I can’t say who. And I read that she lived in this beach town. So I went there and I walked down and down and down the beach past where young teens shivered in the waist high water with their ass cracks devouring their bikini bottoms. To the rich people part of the beach where old men sitting in folding camping chairs glare at you because in their mind this beach is private. And I glared back because I’d be happy to humiliate them in front of their wives and daughters. Stun them with one right cross then drag them out in the surf and hold their head down for about 45 seconds. Let them up for one desperate breath. Then back down again. Repeat repeat repeat. The wife can’t leave to run back in the vacation rental and get the phone to call the cops but she’s not quite prepared for violence either, genetically. She has to puzzle out a right-size piece of driftwood to swing at me with. I got doxed so I won’t tell you what happens to her in this story. She better hope a fuckin dolphin saves her. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: Are You Happy Now

23 Jun

joi

“Joe” writes:

Hi Delicious Tacos,

I read a post a few years ago. It’s this one:

https://delicioustacos.com/2016/07/06/destroy-the-earth/

Has your life improved?

Continue reading

Triumph of the Will

27 Apr
sportcafe24

sportcafe24.com

My neighbor got bedbugs. I only see him when he has to drag a big plastic city trash can under his balcony. Spiderman himself up into his apartment. Something I used to do when I got fucked up. Once in a while I see his girlfriend walking up the stairs. So beautiful it makes me panic for a second, even though she can’t see me in my kitchen. Someone once asked me to pick a superpower. I chose invisibility. It only came true for pretty girls. I never forget my keys. I’m alone. He has the kind of girl who gives you Devendra Banhart’s bedbugs. Continue reading

Death Valley

25 Apr

FullSizeRender(20)

I drove five hours to Death Valley and five hours back in a day so I could have five minutes of silence. Deep out in the chemical flats with the air thick and close and nothing but me and one white lizard running fast on two legs, away from me. It was worth it. Continue reading

Moderation

27 Aug

Have to write something family friendly so I don’t miss a month in archives. Point of pride. Done this over five years and if you look on the bottom right you’ll see not a month missed. In the beginning not a day missed. I’m a god damn institution. Continue reading

Protected: Recent Complaints

15 Jan

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Election

20 Nov
money-seal

image stolen from edwardmd.wordpress.com

At least people I hate are miserable. At least Amanda Marcotte cried. As for the bad news: this will solve nothing. This will not collapse society. There will not be mass rapes. Life will continue to get incrementally worse. It would have happened under Hillary. It will happen under Trump. Every American must be annihilated with atomic weapons. Land given back to the coyotes. It’s the only solution.

I felt bad for her. Read about her too wracked with sobs to talk on the phone. Trying to tell a friend through her shuddering snot-cry that it was Comey… Comey… Too emotional for a concession speech. She had to send out Podesta, the squirelly jizz guzzling hustler who rapes babies then eats them for Satan. I felt bad. She has $300 million from telling the board of Goldman Sachs that the Rothschilds have it too hard in this world. She kills children. I wanted to hold her while she cried. Because she’s a woman. Continue reading