Archive | December, 2012

New Years Eve

31 Dec

Here is what I should do.  Stay home, play my newly purchased Skyrim: Dragonborn DLC on Xbox, have a couple brandies, lay on the couch with the cat.  Maybe make some chicken.  Beat off.  Do some pushups.  Go to bed early and wake up to a healthy and productive January 1st.

Here is what I’m going to do: haul ass all over town half-drunk on the most cop-laden night of the year searching desperately for pussy.  Text people I have no interest in talking to looking for a house party.  Every bar and every party house is going to be “popping,” “going off,” but one in a thousand will be where the pussy is.  One party in the entire town will have three or more reasonably attractive women who aren’t part of a couple and are kind of feeling like hey, it’s New Years Eve, I better have unprotected sex with some aging drunk.  There are maybe five of these women in greater Los Angeles and three million men all out looking for them.  The guys who know where that place is guard this secret like the nuclear fucking football; their sole purpose in life is to make sure you don’t show up and cockblock.  But I’m gonna be steaming around town hammered with a brake light out looking for the Golden Ticket like every other schmuck.  Because I have to.  Because what if. Continue reading

Old Foreign Gays

26 Dec

Will always pull the same move.  You meet a guy at a party.  Somewhere between 45 and 60.  He is from some hot climate type land where gays are hanged by vigilantes but also 10 year old boys are always getting paid to suck cock.  The developing world.

He’ll start telling you a story– these guys are always fascinating to talk to.  usually they’re married with kids.  They have had long and storied careers smuggling shit in Pakistan or whateverthefuck.  They will winkingly start telling you a story about sleeping with a hooker.  Always great to hear fuck stories from old guys, or guys from places where sexism is still OK.  There’s less dancing around the issue.  I was in Dubai; I saw the hottest Russian hooker I have ever seen, at a club– I took her back to the hotel room.  Got her clothes off– man, she can’t have been more than sixteen, tits like rocks, you know, flat stomach, beautiful skin.  The most beautiful woman I have ever touched.  And she looks me in the eye as she is taking off her panties, and…

She had a penis!


And then they give you a little look, like– how ’bout it?

Park Diary: Yoga Practitioners

23 Dec

Image stolen from some stock footage web site

I came back out to the park even though it is god damn motherfucking freezing, because there are two girls doing yoga, in yoga pants, on the grass.  I came out so I could look at their asses.

They are going to look over here and see me looking.  Fortunately this laptop gives me legitimacy.  I have some ostensible purpose other than leering at their asses in their yoga pants.  That’s right– stand on one foot, grab the other foot, lean forward.  You are bumbling.  You are going to fall over.  Your expression of physical vulnerability is delightful.  Also, I commend you for your commitment to flexibility and health.  Your yoga pants are being consumed by your ass crack.  Your buttocks are meaty and robust.  You are in fact slightly heavier than one would expect for someone so committed to yoga.  This is an asset.  You are the kind of girl with whom one thinks he has a shot.  By retaining a slight layer of padding, you are not pricing yourself out of the market.  I think that if I met you through a friend I would talk to you and charm you and you would end up drunk on red wine in my filthy apartment cozying up and watching The Dark Crystal on my Xbox before I ate you out on the carpet and got rug burns on my knees.  If you were thinner I’d assume you wanted someone with money. Continue reading

What a Disgrace It Is for a Man to Grow Old without Ever Seeing the Beauty and Strength of which His Body Is Capable

23 Dec

You have a nice body, they tell me.  Or, you are fitter than the other guys I’m with.  They say it once.  That’s why I work out.  Hours and hours and hours.  Squat deep, ass to the grass.  I can feel my pelvis creaking like an old car’s ball joint that’s about to snap on the freeway.  You have a nice butt, they will tell me, once.  My knees feel like someone’s digging under the kneecap with a chisel for four days after leg day.  You have a nice “V” shape; you have that “V crotch.”  It feels like there’s a bird with a sharp beak trying to dig out of my guts the day after I do “core” day, which is to say, the day I fuck the floor using a wheel on a stick.  Dead lifts, calf raises.  I walk around like Bryan Cranston in Drive.  You have a nice body, they say in passing when I’ve fucked them already and who gives a shit.

Weekend Journal 12-16-12: The Ref

22 Dec


She broke my toe somehow, with her high heel.  She broke my toilet.  I could hear it running; I was still too drunk to get up. I just heard a soothing trickle like a rain forest waterfall.  It was toilet water saturating the rug.  Now my apartment will never not smell like mildew.   She bled all over my sheets.   Why do girls always get their fucking period at my house, it’s like I have some kind of hormone in the air.  I like to think they’re aborting some other man’s seed in preparation for me ravishing their womb.  But they always get their fucking period, which, it’s part of nature but it’s fucking disgusting.

Still.  What a piece of ass. Continue reading

Warwick Davis Speaks to His Agent on the Day The Lord of the Rings Films Are Announced: A Play in One Act

19 Dec


“… yes, I’ll hold… hello? Clive? Clive! Have you seen the bloody papers? Today’s the day! This is what we’ve been waiting for! Fur coats, Clive! Cars! Jesus, Imagine the wome–


“Wait, so they’re using… with forced… what? Oh. Oh….

“I… yes, yes it’s fine. ‘Back 2 Tha Hood’ this one’s called… very well. Let me know when the plane’s booked.”

A small hand throws a Bible in the trash.

OKCupid: To Match a Predator

14 Dec

hansen ass

Hey my name is Katy but friends call me Pixie because I’m so tiny! I’m a sweetheart if you get to know me. I’m trying the internet because people in real life assume I am much younger than I am so I am tired of 12-16 year old boys hitting on me lol!

The first things people usually notice about me
my size. i am 5’4 and 83 pounds. I know I look 12 but I’m 18.  I have ID lol!

I’m looking for
•    Guys who like girls
•    Ages 19–49

You ever wonder where they find guys so fucking stupid that they think a nubile 15 year old with puffy nipples is going to seduce a pudgy hunchback with cerebral palsy?  Apparently, it’s OKCupid. Continue reading