Finally, Some Good News (Part 1)

25 Nov
pomeranian shaved

image stolen from

What Do You Do

He was on Tinder. What do you do, she asked.

He was a secretary. His company provided data driven solutions to optimize cross platform branded content. He might have done something else but he’d spent 20 years drunk. The want ad said room for growth.

He built Powerpoints. When a client was on the phone he hit spacebar. Today, a Webex with Wentworth. The media planning agency. They represented the the Clear and Clean Skin Care division of the Nonmedicated Facial Cleansers and Body Washes/ Poufs division of the Consumer Packaged Goods division of Johnson and Johnson. Wentworth was a subsidiary of UAG, which was a subsidiary of Group J, which was a subsidiary of PWW Group. PWW was a holding company based in Paris. Chartered in Ireland for tax purposes. PWW bought advertising time from television stations en masse. Sold it on arbitrage markets it created. The purpose of UAG and thus Wentworth was to help create demand for advertising time. PWW could then buy low and sell high. This was illegal in America. All advertising agencies were therefore subsidiaries of 3 conglomerates out of Europe.

The Webex was about Clear and Clean’s possible cross platform branded campaign with Ellen! Its thesis was that J & J should buy in, even at at Ellen!’s stratospheric-seeming 46 CPM. J & J’s own market research found that teens and tweens identified with civil rights and related ideals. Engagement hadn’t been this significant since Vietnam. Cementing the brand to environment and/ or social justice was correlated to a 38% uptick in urge to share branded content. Tweens were tough. But in CPG you got them through the moms. Ellen! had moms.

Ellen! planned to profile a transgender teen. There were two candidates. Candy, 14, was a figure skater from Oklahoma. Sparkle, 15, a cheerleader/ poetess from Utah. Sparkle was the new face of Clear and Clean’s campaign. Candy had signed with Unilever. Both CPG behemoths wanted in on trans teen anti-bullying. But Unilever’s Dove line was entrenched with overweight over 25’s. Plus, Sparkle was biracial. Her optics were better for Ellen! and frankly, Candy wasn’t hot. Ice sports don’t test well with Hispanics. Unilever would thus be ill-advised to match the 46 CPM Ellen! was asking. Even with the surge in show engagement from Ellen’s newly adopted Pomeranian, Duchess. But for J & J it made sense.

Clear and Clean’s flagship cleanser was a proprietary solvent derived from Butane. It had been used to hose out tanker trucks that carried juice and other food grade fluids. When it had been found to cause cancer in rats this use was discontinued. R & D tried it as an upholstery cleaner and a mentholated cooling wipe for genitals and armpits. Neither tested well. They settled on a new facial product for teens. From 12 to 17 many young people develop acne. Whether they use facial cleanser or not, it arises, persists, then simply goes away. But brand affinity established at 12 drives purchase through adulthood.

There were 30 slides. He only fucked up once. The pie chart over a photo of Sparkle. Ass aloft in a strong boy’s hot palm. Silky hair and pom poms flying. She was the spitting image of the star of a video he’d seen on Teen Tranny Gets Rock Hard Riding Bro’s Cock. A Mexican boy with the face and body of a 14 year old girl and a narrow hairless penis with an angry curve like a scimitar bobbed on another boy’s lap. She had moves. He’d been disturbed by his erection. Quickly x’d out the browser tab. He lingered a beat too long until the Regional Brand Outreach Manager impatiently cleared her throat.

It went well. His team knew Ellen! They’d optimized Target and Tide’s co-branded Ellen! cross promotion of Jane the Virgin. It told Hispanic moms about Tide’s soothing effect on neonatal skin. Tide was a viscous blue serum derived from volcanic ash. The co-branded online video segments garnered 2 million views per day. 1/10th that of If J & J bit: room for growth. A career. In ten years he could run the division. Fifteen more and he could die. It’s boring to talk about, he said.

Tell me

It has to do with marketing, he said.

What do you do exactly

Why do you want to know so bad

I’m rad and I deserve a guy who’s rad, she said.

She did makeup for infomercials. Don’t match dog pictures, he remembered. Small dogs replace a child. Big dogs replace a man. Women with dogs always die alone. She had a pit bull mix. It wore a bandana.

He messaged her “cunt.” Waited for the three dots in a bubble to know she’d seen it. Unmatched her and opened It was his birthday. He was 39.



49 Responses to “Finally, Some Good News (Part 1)”

  1. Anal Trauma November 25, 2015 at 4:54 pm #

    Looks like somebody is back on track. Good piece. I like the industry insight component.
    The tranny shit is on point and topical.

    • Nikolai Vladivostok November 25, 2015 at 5:30 pm #

      It was interesting. I understand commercial interests take advantage of the zeigeist, but where does the zeitgeist come from? Why are trannies the new Tamagochi?

      • Kendall Jenner November 25, 2015 at 6:01 pm #

        Marketing, dear boy. Marketing.

      • Anal Trauma November 25, 2015 at 6:24 pm #

        Attempted destabilisation of hetero male sexuality perhaps?
        Like everything, the game is rigged. Only the powers that be know the true why and wherefore.

        Depravity at the decline and end of a culture. Taboos broken everywhere. The French had a term for it – Fin De Siecle.

        I apologise – my response was too serious.

      • Shirtless Steve Guttenberg's Pecs. November 25, 2015 at 7:25 pm #

        Tranny zeitgeist is an interesting concept.
        You made me think of this (approx 2:09)

      • Shirtless Steve Guttenberg's Pecs and Also His Meatmusket. November 25, 2015 at 8:23 pm #

        It’s couched in so many layers: a black guy thinking he’s chinese basically beats to death an Actual chinese dude who’s on a movie date with a white(?) tranny who gets shoved aside by a hispanic / white Bear couple who are also on a movie date.

        This happens in like 12 fucking seconds.
        All of it couched in cartoon violence.

        You think about how much $$$ films cost & how literally every single fucking frame they show onscreen has to be Approved by a committee; it’s all there for some kinda reason.

        End of symposium.

    • Seth Brundle's Big Bundle November 25, 2015 at 6:37 pm #

      I hafta ask; the “why and wherefore” bit
      came from you filling out your OKCupid ?

      Cos seriously, I am DYING to know what you look like.

      • Anal Trauma November 25, 2015 at 7:01 pm #

        Envisage Burt Reynolds in Deliverance but with greying hair and more muscular, and you’ll be fairly close.
        I’ve been lifting for about 15 years.

        Never been on any dating thing ever.

      • Geena Davis Gave Me Head Like The Monster From ALIEN (1979) November 25, 2015 at 7:33 pm #

        basically, a bi-curious Superhero ?

  2. A boring 40 year old man that loves teen girls November 25, 2015 at 5:12 pm #

    This was good. Do chicks doggie style but avoid chicks with dogs…..

    • Father O'Hara November 25, 2015 at 5:58 pm #

      That tranny stuff is a joke…right? As for love have you considered elderly niggers?

  3. Schlafwandler November 25, 2015 at 5:57 pm #

    If only you took that dude’s suggestion
    & read this over youtube.

    In short: Four Perky Pee Pickles

  4. Gnar Gnar Binks November 25, 2015 at 6:20 pm #

    My fave google image result for “tranny shit” is a tie :

    “Grooby comics #4”

    “Robocop Tranny of the Future”

  5. A different kind of Fingerrhea November 25, 2015 at 6:26 pm #

    They roll tape when this dude’s in the room ?

  6. Schlafwandler's Lab Results November 25, 2015 at 8:45 pm #

    Hate to break the fourth wall,
    but part of me just wants to hear “Steve Guttenberg’s Meatmusket”
    on Story Time With Juan Mendez: Holiday Edition.

    Have a good one, all you piss bags.

  7. olivermaerk November 26, 2015 at 3:11 am #

    I’ll be reading part II also – for sure.

  8. Rick HertZ November 26, 2015 at 4:29 am #

    I think you mixed up “Candy” and “Francesca”.

    Also, nice one.

  9. Col. Tigh November 26, 2015 at 12:35 pm #

    Where’s part 2

  10. oscarchambers November 27, 2015 at 4:18 pm #

    You are doing well with your career please do not wish flaming hyena rape on your boss. Or at least don’t post it here and let anyone you work with know about this blog.

    • Anonymous November 27, 2015 at 5:26 pm #


      • sonymouAn November 27, 2015 at 7:27 pm #

        Oooh. Deeper.
        So deep yer balls get stuck.

      • oscarchambers November 27, 2015 at 11:37 pm #


    • oscarchambers November 27, 2015 at 11:38 pm #


      • Father O'Hara November 28, 2015 at 8:50 am #

        The balls in my sac are NOT MINE

      • sonyAnksoumou November 28, 2015 at 12:03 pm #


  11. Lee Holloway November 28, 2015 at 12:34 pm #

    the comments on this one just completely deteriorate the further i scroll down. great piece though.

    • Debra Winger's Sticky Ring Finger in TERMS OF ENDEARMENT (1983) November 28, 2015 at 2:11 pm #

      Lee, are you really Lynne [REDACTED]

      No matter. Keep your Secrets.

      I like you cos you are the Queef Bitchards
      to Anal Trauma’s Prick Jaggoff. I do.
      Keeps things flowin around here.

      • Lee Holloway November 28, 2015 at 3:12 pm #

        Thanks for the compliment (?). DT comments section is similar to an AA meeting. Makes me feel better about my station in life.

        I am not Lynne but perhaps I will get a mention someday. You never know.

    • Father O'Hara aka Adold Hitler's Skid Marks On His Underpants November 30, 2015 at 5:01 pm #

      Indeed. I dream of blowing the Pope what could that mean?

      • Lee Holloway November 30, 2015 at 5:35 pm #

        I honestly don’t know what most of the things you say or do mean.

      • FRUIT of the Loom December 2, 2015 at 4:59 am #

        I realise “Adold” was a Typo,
        but just imagine a Cuckold Hitler.

        Sincere thanks for the laugh there.

  12. menaquinone4 November 28, 2015 at 1:47 pm #

    god loves us tbqh famigilia

  13. Bowler hat November 29, 2015 at 9:02 pm #

    What do you do? A question asked by people who don’t know the art of conversation, and women looking for a husband.
    Fuck them.
    So often it’s the FIRST thing a girl asks on tinder (or whatever app/website)

    Cunt is one of several appropriate responses.

    • Schalfwandler November 30, 2015 at 5:01 am #

      “see you next tuesday”

      same wine, different bottle.

      plus, it creates confusion; fucks w/her
      sense of Entitlement & Expectation a little bit,
      “Is he asking me out ?”

      • Father O'Hara aka Adolf Hitler's Skid Marks On His Underpants November 30, 2015 at 7:10 pm #

        Mexican bitches are a dime a dozen

  14. bitch November 30, 2015 at 8:56 pm #

    Several times now
    You’ve quit being a fag, only to
    Resume mere hours later.

  15. Yessica December 26, 2016 at 8:40 pm #

    Great story looking good wt the best story


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