Product Review: Safeway® “Nighttime Sleep” Mini Caplets

21 Jun

guy sleeping on pc

I’ve done a lot of heroin. Not just our schwag L.A. black tar, either; I’ve done white powder pinched off a brick from Philly before it got sent on to New York; great shit from little packets with brand names on them– Kisses, Lightning Bolts, whateverthefuck. Perfect cream-colored powder that leaves a subtle nutty, flowery taste in the back of your throat as you walk out in the rain and the drops caressing your collarbone feel like the hands of a beautiful young maiden and you could just sit down and soak in the water for hours, and it’s forty fucking degrees. I’ve eaten, sniffed and smoked potentially lethal quantities of vicodin, oxycodone, percoset, percodan, MS contin in those green pills where you have to chew off the time release coating; lorazepam, diazepam, quaaludes, klonopin, atavan, phenobarbitol, so many pills that sound like a racists’s concept of African American names; washed them all down with gut-searing quantities of cheap hard liquor and I stayed standing through every motherfucking one of them. But one half of one Safeway® Nighttime Sleep Mini Caplet will knock me out like a kick from a fucking horse and I will spend the next day feeling like the god of sleep is pushing my face down into the keyboard with big meaty hands. This shit is a god damn atomic weapon of drugs and should probably be banned.

It’s the same ingredient as Nytol®, Sominex®, Benadryl®, Tylenol® PM–  Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride– and each of them comes packaged in a pill that’s 25 milligrams. The recommended dose is two full pills. Two full pills would put a fucking family of blue whales into a six month coma. One whole pill will obliterate a the cumulative buzz of twelve hours worth of speedy cocaine, will swat aside 30 milligrams of Adderall XR like Tyson uppercutting Ruth Bader Ginsburg. This drug is incomprehensibly powerful and I don’t understand how thousands of people aren’t dying from it when one fourth of the recommended dosage will put a grade A heavyweight such as myself right on his ass.

How is this shit sold in Safeway, and how the fuck is the recommended dose enough to poison an entire city’s water supply? Just what the fuck is going on here? You can’t buy trucker speed anymore, you can’t even buy herbal ephedra. Armored men with M16’s will tackle an old lady to the ground and shoot her dog if she sprouts two pot plants in her living room window. But something that, taken as instructed, can send you into a twenty hour deathtrance, is readily advertised on TV.

Stay away from this shit. It’s insane. Stick with safer stuff, like China White blasted into your forearm with some gaunt skid row zombie’s filthy works.

In conclusion: one and a half stars

12 Responses to “Product Review: Safeway® “Nighttime Sleep” Mini Caplets”

  1. Another Mary June 21, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

    I like my Ambien just fine for my chronic insomnia, and sometimess supplement it with Norcos or the generic sleeping aid from Walgrens. I only take half of those, though, and still wake up sluggish and slurring my words. Ambien and Norcos. That’s the ticket. In moderation, kids.

  2. Anonymous June 22, 2013 at 1:07 pm #

    empty your okcupid inbox so i can give you my phone #

    • delicioustacos June 23, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

      If only there were some other way to contact me that was prominently displayed on the exact web site you are looking at.

  3. Anonymous June 22, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

    different receptors than opiates. diphenhydramine interacts mostly with histamine receptors, which are not involved in cardiopulmonary depression

    • Anonymous June 24, 2013 at 8:26 am #

      Gotta say i’ve been there with you on all that shit DT, but when it comes to the diphenhydramine hcl, It doesn’t fuck with me nearly as much as it does you.

  4. I remember years ago getting into a heated argument with a friend over my escalating heroin use where I pointed out his weekend coke binges in an attempt to deflect his criticism. Finally he said to me, “well at least my shit doesn’t come in a bag with ‘Dead
    On Arrival’ stamped on it.” I couldn’t come up with a rebuttal to that. Dope brands are usually intentionally mocking, demeaning, or ironic like that: Gravedigger, Deadcalm, D.O.A., Good Times, Flatline, Dracula.

    If the bags weren’t so small you’d probably see stamps like “I Fucked Your Sister.” shit like that. Nah, that’s too long for them to advertise to passersby while they’re standing on the corner. They sound like fucking quarterbacks calling out audibles: “ready rock ready rock flatline dope dope dope dope dope.”

  5. vsoze June 24, 2013 at 8:09 pm #

    Brilliant review man!

  6. jack4510 December 1, 2013 at 3:13 pm #

    Horrible sleeping substance, takes ages to kick in, then lasts way too long. Hang over the morning after.

  7. Jamie October 11, 2015 at 4:49 am #

    Well wow, all I can say is you’re an enormous pussy. One half of those piece of shit tablets knocks you out?! I take five at once and it does jack shit – and I’ve never done recreational drugs in my life.

  8. Darkicon November 4, 2016 at 12:25 am #

    Loved the review. Tried Tylenol PM, works OK for once in a while but more than three days straight will is guaranteed to give you dementia. On the cheap, I tried these little blue wonders and found the same as you, one will knock me out for twelve hours, but man do they ever tear your stomach up! These are nasty little pieces and have been tossed.


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