This chick, this OKCupid chick, this smarmy feminist comedian chick, is she going to confirm our non-alcoholic day date and why do I give fuck except I’m curious. Why is it always like this. Days before the date I’m secretly hoping they’ll flake, secretly thinking I’ll just go out to some swimming pool and take my shirt off and get younger, better looking pussy. And then once I send a text to confirm I’m biting my nails thinking omigod she’ll never actually go out with me she’s way too cool for me she hangs out with a bunch of professional comedians and famous people and needs a guy with a job the same or better as hers omigod I’ll die alone; the cat will eat my tender eyeballs first.
This is where misogyny is helpful. Antifeminism, “game,” whateverthefuck you call it. The kind of shit that snarling unlaid men spend hour upon hour pouring into woman hating internet forums. Many of which I am a proud member of, by the way– I’m not trying to say I’m above this shit. You can think: well who gives a fuck what her job is, what her accomplishments are, how many orders of magnitude more internet famous she is than five dorks thinking you’re Charles Bukowski and how interesting that might be to talk about. Fuck it, she’s of “average” build and close to your own age, which is to say expired. You were fucking a 21 year old Brazilian on a boulder under the moon two nights ago; you ejaculated on a cactus. You think she’s gonna give you a date like that? She’s gonna be name dropping over herbal tea, talking about her failed pilot. Who cares. You are not interested in her for sex and what, what on fucking Earth, is the point of going on a date with someone from the internet if you’re not interested in her for sex. If I want to hear a ”quirky” thirtysomething woman talk about a failed pilot I can go hang out with Nikol. At least she drinks and fucks.
Men hate women because women’s rejection makes men hate themselves. No matter how jaded you are. No matter how much pussy you run through the shredder… even sending a girl an OKCupid message and not hearing back hurts if you see her looking at you. Even if your entire profile and online persona at large is designed to hedge this kind of shit and drive people away. It hurts. It hurts so you gotta think fuck this cunt, on to the next one. No matter how many times you go through this, as tragedy, then farce, then… oh shit, she texted me back.
Now it’s: fuck, I don’t want to go through the god damn drudgery of this date I know will go nowhere. Ha. What are we gonna do, she asks. Uh… not drink? She made up some lie that she’s on medication where she can’t have alcohol. Because she is the sort of person who views her suitors as potential rapists. The sort of person who uses the phrase “casually misogynist” in OKCupid messages, the sort of person who is a self-proclaimed comedian and yet will say nothing funny and overemploy the word “privilege“ on our date, the sort of person who studies Lindy West articles about Patton Oswalt and feels that they relate to her life… God almighty. What the fuck was I thinking.
New experiences, is what I was thinking. Also: maybe this is a person I can actually relate to. Also: I wanted to see if I could make a rape joke in an opening message to a quirky feminist blogger and get a date. They would have to give me the the Nobel Prize of OKCupid.
I don’t do well with cautious people. Meaning, college educated Jewish women. This is gonna fucking suck. I should have just gone to the god damn Roosevelt. Whatever though. Maybe she’s my future wife.