Sex inventory. Last part of your AA 4th step. You made a list of who you resent. What you fear. Now, the people you harmed with your “Sex Powers.” Instructions are in the Big Book. Page 69.
Dear God help me remember the people I hurt.
OK. Work backwards. Isla who went to jail. Puerto Rican producer chick. Married Mexican chick. I fingerfucked that girl Ariel. Clara the 18 year old Persian who cuts her forearms to feel something and works at Jack in the Box. Gabi the fat toadfaced Guatemalan. Agnes Kwon, that cunt. Before her Isla again, before her Dakota, before her Jill or Jennifer or whateverthefuck her name was with the surgery scar.
This is not a fucklist. Don’t forget the people you didn’t fuck but hurt anyway. Who was that worn out looking twat from the coffee shop. Sharon? Something like Sharon. I hurt her with my Sex Powers when I didn’t ask her out. I can tell; she won’t speak to me now. Won’t even look at me. Sorry but go fuck yourself.
Judy. God damn but I want to plunge her sweaty little cunt and fill her with babies. Sitting talking in a hot room. Girl’s room girl’s bed with white blankets and one black pair of underwear laying on it and you can see a little mucous crust where her pussy sits. I want to lick it. Impregnate her and move to Altadena. Make money so she doesn’t have to work. Middle class salary, keep her in a place with cable and central air and use her for a broodmare. She can’t fuck for a year because of Sex Addicts Anonymous. It’s hot and I’m in a tight T shirt. I make her look and I know I could crack her. Sex Powers.
We’re into last year now and I can’t remember. Who was it in winter. Irish girl who cried when I put my dick in her. The Jamaican I fucked on cocaine. She wanted to go out again. I told her I’d cook her a chicken and didn’t. I told them all I’d cook a chicken. What the fuck is that other black chick’s name, the one who looks like Rihanna. She told me she was infertile, so I blasted in her. Then she told me she owned a Lamborghini and the government had helicopters over her house. The Colombian chick, the au pair who was obsessed with Guns ‘N’ Roses. I hurt her with my Sex Powers on a rock overlooking Hollywood and then again in my car. I told her I wanted to see her again. She liked me. Kept messaging me. She ought to have dick lined up around the block so she’ll be fine, I reasoned. I guess not.
Gabby with a Y who flew out to see me and sent me I love you texts I love you Twitter messages I love you emails and on and on and on… we’re friends now, but I hurt her with my Sex Powers because I knew it would end like that but I wanted a chick to pay money to see me.
I’m supposed to be ashamed. But I think: god damn what a stud. Look how much ass I get. Some of them I hurt, sure. Some of them hurt me. Don’t you understand this is war.
OK- who did you reject. That’s how you hurt someone. But you don’t even remember them. You want someone, someone else wants you; everyone wants to trade up. Obsess over the people above you. Those below you: invisible. Your whole life is getting higher on the list. Getting her and knocking her down. War.
Agnes is above me. She still shows up in dreams. They’re about something else and then suddenly about her. I’m in a photographer’s apartment. It’s in my building but impossibly huge inside, impossible spaces. Then she’s there and I know she’s fucking him and I wake up in agony. I have dreams about sea polyps with shark teeth gnawing off my lower half while I look on screaming. Not half as bad. Does someone dream of me like this.
That ginger record exec with the three roses tattooed over her plump twat. I hurt her. Except she has no feelings from taking antidepressants. Also a secret life getting her pussy electrocuted for kink.com videos. So she can take it. The other thick gingers though. Olivia. I’m sorry, Olivia. The chick in the band who looked like the Nat Geo Afghan Girl cover. One night stand on New Years. She liked me enough to get me banned from that party house when I didn’t call her.
Emily. Nikol. Who else. Remember by apartments. The condemned storage unit you lived in under the family of evangelical Mexicans who’d speak in tongues every Monday night. Their niece came to visit from some college in Texas. She knocked and asked for a cigarette. You gave her a drink. My aunt told me stay away from you, she said. That you’re a womanizer and rapist. The aunt banging on the door and the girl is in her panties with her Texas A &M hoodie on… you made me wet, she said before she got up and got kicked out of the house and her aunt never spoke to her again. I’ve been beating off to that for seven years now.
“Rabbit,” the Chinese chick from the grocery store. She might have been retarded. Or just raised in isolation by Chinese Jehovah’s Witnesses. There was something off about her but she wore thong panties you could see over top of her jeans and I took her home. She asked do you have condom in her broken English. No. If I kept them around girls would make me use them. I fucked her and came too fast and then I made her blow me to get me hard again. I held her ponytail and pushed her face down so she was deep throating me and came too fast again. She didn’t want to leave. She was just a lonely person with nowhere to go.
The high school girl you fucked in college raging drunk on Adderall; so high you let the first drop go off in her and she got pregnant. Had a friend call you two months later to tell you she got an abortion. May or may not have been yours.
Ashley who was my girlfriend for three months. I disappeared. Katie I adopted the cat with. I disappeared. Jenny who was smart and cute but wouldn’t let me cum in her. So I disappeared. I left my favorite jacket there. She sold it at a yard sale. Cunt.
Tiffany Amber Thiessen looking Cuban chick out of Miami. Found her on the sidewalk drunk on 4th of July. She wouldn’t fuck me that night so I took her to dinner. She thought she was girlfriend material. I disappeared. Half Korean half Nicaraguan, she had big ass big tits which made the sewer workers on the street think I was cool. Their children will speak of me like the Chupacabra. She deep throated too hard and bent my dick like a capital “L.”So I disappeared. That fat Pinay from when I still used condoms and it slipped off in her and I didn’t stop. All the fat girls. I’m sorry you don’t have names.
Sara the sex addict. You hurt a sex addict by fucking her. You hurt her by not fucking her. I hurt her by not calling her but if you call her you’re going to hurt her worse some day. No way to win. Molly. Not that Molly, the other one. She left me for a model with a fat uncut hog so let’s call it even. That chick from Overpass I 69’d with on coke… she liked me, I never called her. God that was hot though…
Who else. Many more to go. What am I supposed to learn here. They like me and I don’t like them back. When I like them they don’t like me. I knew that already. I wrote this so I could feel bad. But God has left my consciousness and I feel nothing. I’m gonna fire up Tinder.