Book Review: The Pussy by Delicious Tacos

5 Jul
COVER THUMBNAIL

Cover design by Matt Lawrence: mattlawrence.net

Fucking sick of this book. Which no one will buy. Sick of uploading this shit to god damn Createspace over and over. Page breaks in Word don’t translate to page breaks in the proof. The fucking table of contents– every time you make some slight tweak it wants to repaginate the whole thing. You can’t highlight just the page break, it highlights the entire table of contents. The evil spirit of Microsoft Word reaching a spindly grim reaper hand over yours on the mouse, jamming a thousand levels of complex unwanted auto-formatting that you must weed through and correct. Matching the table of contents to the digital proof that does not match the Word document, you fix one thing it breaks ten others– the only solution is: close the laptop. Go kill everyone. Five page table of contents because there are like 100 pieces in this book. All shit. I’m a terrible writer. My whole dream is a joke. People only read my shit to laugh at me.

Garbage. Zero stars. I’d rather feed my balls to an alligator than let my eyes pass over one comma of mine for one more instant. I’m a genius at making things suck. The word “the–” somehow I can make “the” dishonest. I should be ashamed. I should be killed probably. At the very least the kids who drink beer in the park behind my house should beat the shit out of me. Steal my pants. Dump a bucket of ice water on me to make my penis maximally infantile. Broadcast the footage on the Times Square Jumbotron to an audience of everyone I ever cared about. Don’t ever make a book.

Why did I do it. Far less people will buy it than have already read what’s in it. Every word posted free on the internet. Even then, no one cares. But I did it for the money. I did it for every reason that makes me sick when other people do it. Money. Ego.

How many times can people read about smelly Tinder pussy. How I got drunk then didn’t. Well shit, how many times can they read Queen Bey’s New Video Has a Huge Gender Binary Problem. A million billion. The shitbirds who make that stuff pull 22 grand a year to pump out three of those a day. Ten times what I make writing. Twenty times what I’ll make off this book of four fucking years worth of shit.

I did it for the money. My first book didn’t sell– except it sort of did. It didn’t pop but it keeps cranking out small but non-negligible amounts forever. Four hundred, two hundred… a year later it pumps out 30 bucks a month, so why not another. I like my 36 Amazon reviews. I want one on paper. You can keep it on the toilet.

A mistake. But now I’m committed. If I don’t put it out it’s been for nothing. Meanwhile I’m sick of my own thoughts. I’m horny, I start to think– faggot you’ve said that ten million times. I have to take a shit– oh, how original, you’ve only done fifteen essays on that.

At the library I got two books of Jack Gilbert poems. First one I read, from just before his death at 80. Mind blowing. The second one, when he was a mere 65– garbage. Any Bukowski poem before he turned 50– FIFTY! Over-flowery shit. Takes a long long time to break yourself. As long as everyone else sucks worse I’ll be fine.

Buy now in paperback or Kindle.

 

 

18 Responses to “Book Review: The Pussy by Delicious Tacos”

  1. Atlanta Man July 5, 2016 at 8:27 am #

    Is there any original work in this book? I will buy it if there is. Fuck it, I will just get it because it is hardcover your shit instead of words on a screen. Excelsior!

  2. Atlanta Man July 5, 2016 at 9:47 am #

    The racially ambiguous chick on the cover is Mexican Ass Girl isn’t it? I wish I could see a picture of her ass. I hope she let’s you get in that sweet ass of hers one day….

    I bought your book- you asshole, now rescue a kitten.

  3. Threehotinches July 5, 2016 at 10:53 am #

    DT, you got a sale coming… but can’t seem to buy this from the UK (Kindle version).

    • delicioustacos July 5, 2016 at 1:07 pm #

      That’s odd. Maybe some weird quirk of Amazon’s review process– will keep an eye on it.

      • Atlanta Man July 5, 2016 at 1:15 pm #

        Amazon also did not post my initial reveiw, so Angela’s got posted before mine. My first review was pretty lurid so that may be why it did not post, so I wrote a rather tame one which was immediately posted.

      • Threehotinches July 5, 2016 at 2:49 pm #

        Update: the hard-copy is available here in Blighty, but not the Kindle edition. I guess you will be able to say my book has adorned a cistern in Manchester.

      • Pile of Dust July 5, 2016 at 3:54 pm #

        Make that two cisterns in Manchester.

  4. Thanks, Fucknuts. July 5, 2016 at 11:42 am #

  5. K-hole July 5, 2016 at 4:45 pm #

    I’ve already read all your stuff but here’s some money anyway.

  6. Mark Boris July 5, 2016 at 10:04 pm #

    Congrats on the release, but where is this going? I mean your life, not the book. I know you’ve always been a tortured soul, but this… what is this? You honestly might want to consider is the claims of Christ. You’ve already tried everything else, right?

  7. Sylvia July 5, 2016 at 11:37 pm #

    You’re not a bad writer you just write about stupid things so 5% of the world’s idiots will have someone to look up to. Why don’t you try like, actually writing something. You’re right, though. Most of your stuff is as rote as you say your dates are. Somewhere down the hill, drive me home oh birds in park. Chicken dinner then sofa fucking too quick.>My life sucks and it’s never going to get any better. I fucked a girl and she was a girl and I got laid and no condom because STDs are lies spread by feminists.

    Obviously I know nothing about writing but you can produce better that what you have been. Stop with the essays. If you’re going to write about being a shithead, make it a Confederacy of Dunces style story, or something, Idk. That book had no point but it was pretty awesome. Anyway, I bet you could churn out a really great ACTUAL book if you wanted but you depend too much on this cesspool. Don’t have to accept you’re great if you keep yourself contained in this sludge.

    • Shylock Holmes July 6, 2016 at 6:59 am #

      I think Sylvia is onto something. I don’t think the subject matter necessarily has to change, since you do tawdry introspection as a means to understanding modern society better than almost anyone. But have you thought about trying longer form writing? The discipline of a novel and a more complex plot structure would certainly force you to write something different.

      The other benefit would be to make it explicitly fiction, even if still loosely based on yourself – most people’s actual lives ARE the same thing over, which is why loosely fictionalized versions of the author seem to be such a popular starting point. Except Hemingway, who seemed to just do crazy stuff just to have something to write about. I’m not sure if that’s a better option, he did put a shotgun in his mouth in the end.

      • delicioustacos July 6, 2016 at 7:13 am #

        Yes, I’m going to move on to another phase. But I needed to wrap this one up first.

      • Nikolai Vladivostok July 6, 2016 at 8:05 am #

        Looking forward to it, Tacos. You’ve got good books in you.
        I tried writing novels but found the structure incredibly difficult. It’s a lot harder than stringing together a thousand word blog post about rooting an Indian or what kind of toilet trannies should use.
        Finally I bought a couple of books on novel writing and so far the first one I opened is helping enormously. Looking back, I shouldn’t have jumped in blind. I’ll do a lot more research and preparation for my next effort. Just a suggestion.

  8. J.A.F.O. July 6, 2016 at 12:16 am #

    OK now you hafta promo. “Get THE PUSSY Today” on an
    American Apparel-style billboard / garage-sale signs like that Doctor Dishes twitter did.
    Wrangle a street team, dude.

    Also, put your first title into actual print. I’d spend $12.

    Also also, some kinda contest; Win a signed copy by sending in panties or something.
    Might wanna get a P.O. Box though…

    Mazel Tov !!!

    • Nikolai Vladivostok July 6, 2016 at 8:13 am #

      Aha, a way to recycle my old y-fronts with the little yellow dot in that one spot. God himself couldn’t launder that stain out. But why would he? He’s a man.

  9. Graybusch July 6, 2016 at 7:19 pm #

    I paid the twelve dollars cause I wanted a physical version of your writing, something to put on my bookshelf. Why wouldn’t I? There’s not many people I can read that crack me up the way you do with the absurdities of life today.

    Also ditch word processor and switch to scrivener. You won’t ever to hassle with formatting for createspace or ebook. Or don’t

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