Art Review: Self-Portrait (Performance with Object) by Emma Sulkowicz

6 Mar

emma 2

Through April 3rd at Coagula Curatorial

She thought you were hot, my date told me. Well shit. Could I pull it off. I’ve beat off to her rape video 15 times. You stand on a plywood box; she stands across from you on another plywood box; there’s a painted line between you and you talk but you’re not allowed to touch her. Close by there’s a mannequin of her called Emmatron hooked up to an iPad with canned questions. If you ask about the rape she directs you to the mannequin. The iPad says why didn’t you go to the cops right away. Why did you Facebook message him: fuck me in the butt, and so forth. You pick one. Her recorded voice comes on. Fuck me in the butt is an expression like shoot me in the head. If I told you shoot me in the head, would you literally think I want to be shot in the head.

My date blew it with her. I couldn’t hear but you could tell Emma couldn’t stand her. I’m glad she went first. I had a plan for what I’d say. Bunch of banal shit then one real question.

Yes she does get tired. But she’s able to sit down. The show’s gotta be very different at 7PM the last day than now, I told her, trying to sound cool. At some point you must start thinking: oh, blow it out your ass. That’s why I made Emmatron, she said.

Yes people cry like with Marina Abramovic. People come up and look in her eyes and cry and also, a lot of people want to talk about their own rape. Just to tell somebody. It got to where she had to hand it off to Emmatron. Well your work is so much about people’s baggage, I said.

You ought to take this on tour, I told her. Colleges have money. Five grand a night and seems like they’d be into this type of shit. Maybe but I can’t spend my whole life doing this, she said. I said something about her in in an RV on tour, out in the Nebraska cornfields with the fuckin robot in the passenger seat. She didn’t quite laugh. But I got that feeling of making a girl laugh.



Have you been accused of rape, my date asked in the car. She reads the manosphere. Well no but the day is young. Really, I said, I’ve never raped anybody. I’m the world’s horniest man and I’ve been in bed with blackout drunk hot naked teens, drunk and on speed myself. I know I couldn’t do it. But then sometimes you don’t know. I keep thinking about one girl I fucked off OKCupid in 2014. When I looked down she was crying.

At lunch she asked why don’t you apply to the Iowa Writers Workshop. This girl found me when someone emailed her one of my OKCupid stories. Why don’t you submit that to Paris Review. I don’t want to be in Paris Review, I said. I want young girls to think I should be in Paris Review. And it’s working.

Really it hadn’t occurred to me. I think my work is shit. Later I looked at Paris Review. The first story is by Chris Batchelder. I remember a plaque with that name at my prep school. Flint Batchelder, captain of the 1902 lacrosse team or something. Now his descendants are in Paris Review. My father was a pipefitter. He did jail time for stealing tires in Alabama. I was at that school on scholarship, to get bootstrapped out of 10,000 years of pregnant teen alcoholics. I had impostor syndrome. And rightly so. Look at me now. My writing is bad and I’m bad and Paris Review would laugh at me. I literally want to be shot in the head.

Paris Review can suck my balls, I told her. More people read my shit than Paris Review. That night I took an at risk teen to a Clippers game. The Staples center is so big it gave me vertigo. Twice as many people as can fit in the Staples Center have read my story about an artificial pussy, which is in some ways amateurish but also ought to be etched into titanium and launched into space for aliens to find. But then that was 2013. What have I done for me lately. Can’t write good shit because now I have to work. I could barely do it unemployed.

Chris Batchelder does not have this problem. Emma Sulkowicz does not have this problem. Like Cat Marnell she’s the daughter of two rich New York psychiatrists. But also she’s brave enough to sleep in a garage. And look, I don’t know if she got raped or not. If it went down like the video then yes. That’s why it’s so hot. Even with the Shaw Brothers sound effect when he hits her.


Do you read all the shit about you on the internet, I asked. At this point is it white noise to you. Or can it ever sting. Well I do and the answer is yes, she said. She was telling the truth. I also put this one in Emmatron, she said.

I tried not to think: I’d like to put one in Emmatron. But I’m a robot.

I got the girl home and got a finger in her jeans. Her pussy was hard to navigate. I’m 40 and I still need the beginner model. Please stop, she said. I don’t want to sleep with you. It felt good to be surprised.

In conclusion: four stars.

27 Responses to “Art Review: Self-Portrait (Performance with Object) by Emma Sulkowicz”

  1. Paul Nungesser March 6, 2016 at 3:19 pm #

    Good thing you stopped after fingering her.

    It’s pretty clear, after you both having gone to an Emma Sulkowicz art event, that your date likely would have accused you of date rape and told the whole world about it had you persuaded her to keep going. This even though she almost certainly would have needed very little persuasion to makes pancakes from pouring the Bisquick.

    Totally not worth it.

  2. Robert Guiscard March 6, 2016 at 4:59 pm #

    So did you stop?

  3. Atlanta Man March 6, 2016 at 7:16 pm #

    This was good. I wondered how her art was going to work out post mattress. DT I gotta give it to you, you are an independent thinker in terms of the manosphere , you don’t “toe the line” so to speak. I still think Emma is a lying cut that got pissed when Paul did not want a relationship with her slutty ass, but you gave her a fair shake so good for you. Nice post.

    • Atlanta Man March 6, 2016 at 10:50 pm #

      cunt not cut, fucking autocorrect.

  4. Atlanta Man March 7, 2016 at 6:33 pm #

    Odd there are no comments on this post, DT actually went out to see this shit and wrote some good shit about it; yet “crickets”. Emma has commenters scared they will be charged with rape just for commenting on a post about her tired ass. Even Lee is nowhere to be found, what the fuck man?!

    For the record I would fuck Emma at her bullshit performance art show, but I would video tape it cause that bitch is a lying cut (cunt, no auto correct just LULZ) and I am black so the prosecution would move on my ass.

    • male feminist who dreams of rape all day March 9, 2016 at 5:13 pm #

      You are just very quick and vigilant about leaving a comment, ATL Man.

      The comments will come. Gradually. Then all at once. Maybe celebrity mistress Emma herself will chime in and say “DT should’ve raped me I gave him all the IOIs but he was oblivious to my obvious tells”.

  5. Lee Holloway March 7, 2016 at 7:48 pm #

    i am here. just can’t think of anything clever to say about this one. i don’t follow rape news or any news or anything really. i read DT and then i check my fetlife and then i post pics on tumblr and then i write a story about getting cum in my face. not a lot of time for “art” and “opinions.”

    also nothing matters and everything is garbage. except for DT, of course.

  6. Clit Romney March 8, 2016 at 8:58 pm #

    Cool poast bro keep it up


    • Rabbi Huffnagel March 11, 2016 at 4:35 pm #

  7. Mob Barley March 9, 2016 at 8:56 am #

    Being as she is lying this whole thing is so so trippy. You think you have imposter syndrome, imagine what must be going through her mind the whole time.

  8. Your Mother March 9, 2016 at 2:27 pm #

    Fact: Emma Sulkowicz is part Jewish. She’s the daughter of two rich New York psychiatrists, one of whom is a Jew. So it’s no surprise that she did what she did, which is: lie and profit from her lies.

    The fact that you really wanted to go to her silly little pretentious “art show” just proves how lowly of a mindset you have cultivated. That she is more widely known than you and has had her 15 minutes of fame is the only reason why you wanted to see her. You’re a famewhore, drawn to pseudo-celebs like flies on dogshit. We all are. And it makes you sick. It makes me sick too.

    You say you hate to write “topical shit” about current events and then you do it anyway. I go to your site to read something unique, something way off the reservation, something insightful, and it’s disappointing to read the same fame-worshipping bullshit. I might as well just load up dailymail.

    To top it off you didn’t even bang your date. What an anti-climax. Your drunk writing was 80,000X better than this sad, self-loathing low-energy sober writing.

    I disavow you, Delicious Tacos. You just lost a loyal reader. I didn’t even laugh ONCE in this post. But it doesn’t matter and you don’t care. You’ve got at least 700 others. Your writing is for you and your fellow degenerates.

    Your Mother

  9. male feminist who dreams of rape all day March 9, 2016 at 5:10 pm #

    You should’ve raped her. Your date or Emma, either one.

    It would’ve made the evening news: Los Angeles Man Rapes Woman After Attending Art Show About Rape

    You want your 15 minutes of fame. Admit it. You really do. You’re sick of being a glorified male secretary at age 40. You want to enlarge your internet fame but you’re too afraid to taking bold actions.

    Oh well. Tune in next Sunday for more self-loathing words on the screen.

  10. retard March 9, 2016 at 6:14 pm #


    • Ben March 10, 2016 at 12:56 pm #

      Note to self: if a girl tells you to fuck her in the butt, don’t do it.


      • Atlanta Man March 10, 2016 at 11:49 pm #


      • Stop Being Flaky, Ben. March 11, 2016 at 2:06 am #

        I agree with the screaming black man.

  11. Not Ben March 11, 2016 at 3:22 pm #

    Thanks for your words of encouragement, Atlanta Man; I’m working on some new/better shit that’s worth staying live for more than 3 weeks.

    On a separate but related note: I share your desire to have sexual intercourse with Lee Holloway.

    Even though I’ve never met her or seen her pics, I’d like for her to squat on my face whilst you throat fuck her with your outrageously large African-American penis. You know, plain vanilla stuff that’s quite “Basic”, perhaps even boring. But it would be a very multicultural scene.

    Mazel Tov.

    • Lee Holloway March 11, 2016 at 6:08 pm #


    • Atlanta Man March 12, 2016 at 12:45 am #


  12. quinnotaur March 15, 2016 at 4:07 pm #

    After reading this, I too jerked off to her rape video; three times…

  13. quinnotaur March 15, 2016 at 4:11 pm #

    And BTW, mr. AT should drink bleach because he’s a nigger.

    • Oscar Chambers March 18, 2016 at 4:59 pm #

      I agree.

  14. Fruit Punch Dispensing Tits March 18, 2016 at 7:38 pm #

    I wish I knew you were going. I’ve always wanted to ask her if she thinks it’s ironic she said she was too exhausted to file a police report and then hauled around a 50 lb. mattress for 9 months.

  15. Former Wagecuck Ben March 30, 2016 at 1:20 pm #

    I want to have a threesome with Emma and her robot.


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