Why Don’t You Get a New Cat

21 Apr

I’m not done missing Bud. And I might leave America forever. Any moment. Any morning. Take my book money, buy a two way ticket to the Philippines. Throw the return ticket in the trash. You need it for the visa. Then again since Duterte no one checks.

There are three of me outside the actual me. I can kill myself three times without a scratch. There’s this one, Delicious Tacos. Make the site go black, delete Twitter, take down the books. Or leave them up but let them dwindle down and down to nothing. Which they’ll do if I don’t push push push every fucking day– nothing ever takes on a life of its own, everything is work–

I can stop being Delicious Tacos. The guy who used to get laid. Who used to post every day, who gave online dating advice. That man dead now anyway. It’s all prose poems about being sad at my desk. Maybe in a year polish stuff up and submit it to Paris Review and get rejected. But without this fake name I might smoke my actual body. Say what you will, this shit’s therapeutic.

There’s sober me. First name [X], last name Alcoholic. Good brother son and friend. Appreciates the flowers. Volunteers nights at halfway houses preaching to half comprehending murderers with wire hanger marks in their foreheads. Each with at least six kids they don’t pay for while I have none. That guy stays. I like being sober. Rigid meat again mere minutes after fucking. 10% body fat. Flowers and trees.

That leaves work bills taxes me. First Name Last Name Linkedin profile. Shotgun to the face for him as my passport burns on a beach where no one could read it anyway. He works like a maniac. Jack Ma 9 9 6 work week compressed to 40 hours. Why does Jack Ma have HO scale face on an O scale head. What the fuck is going on with him genetically. Chinese billionaire work: twelve hours a day stealing ideas. Bribing officials. What is Alibaba, fucking Chinese eBay- big deal. Twelve hours a day six days a week cheating on SATs, eating (REDACTED), hiring fat hookers and having his kid shit in a trash can at the mall–

God, what do I want. God, guide me through the day, as bullshit after horseshit after chickenshit is thrown at me. Can’t ask you for a respite. Can’t ask for anything but to know thy will and to do thy will. Well there’s no fucking choice but do thy will and thy will is to have a job and come into three days worth of work in one morning, Hey no rush but DING! incoming text did you get it done DING! did you get this done DING! did you get that done. Lord let me have five minutes to fucking rest. You asshole. I’m grateful for the money though. Lord let me get that retirement money now. How about some pussy while we’re at it. Maybe about 15% less proto hominid face than you’ve been throwing at me–

God please guide me through the day. God let me be of service to my fellows. Call other alcoholics. None of these motherfuckers want to hear from me. I don’t want to talk to them either and I guess that means it’s thy will since I don’t want to do it. Whatever I don’t want is what you want.

But I’m grateful for what you’ve given me. Fifteen foot black mustard out back and the red-whiskered bulbul who plucks aphids from the branches. The yard itself. Whatever bird is singing now whose call reminds me of a lawn sprinkler. The one at my grandmother’s house. Lord what do I want. I still think if I tell you I’m happy I’ll get dick cancer. The red-whiskered bulbul—a bird so rare here I have a poster of every bird in North America and he’s not on it. Plenty of food back there but his problem will be finding a mate. Another symbol. God, send over a Miserable Office Bird. A Bored of His Pornos Magpie. A Banned from Seeking Arrangement Tanager.

God please help me remember that you’re not an evil genie. God please take away my hopelessness. Faithlessness. Help me hear you. Help me speak to you. What I want isn’t bad. True love and the birds. You won’t give me the technically accurate but sadistic Twilight Zone take on it.

Now I want a fat girl to rub my back with her tits. Whisper in my ear. What monkey’s paw shit can you do with that. She leans close. Her long cool hair pooling on my back and she whispers “your blog sucks.” A rare bird flies by. It bites my nuts off, shits in the wound.

25 Responses to “Why Don’t You Get a New Cat”

  1. The Empty Subject April 21, 2019 at 2:54 pm #

    Seventh paragraph, fifth sentence. Typo.

  2. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn April 21, 2019 at 3:10 pm #

    Never liked cats, growing up during springtime all the stray alley cats would be howling and yelling all night. Annoying little bastards. They’d walk along the top of your backyard cinder block wall & you could shoot them with your paintball gun. Mean, but kids are mean. I have a ton of them in my neighborhood now, they’re not as bad as back home. I get a pretty cool one now, Heathcliff, I named him, sleeps on top of my air conditioner, hangs out on the patio furniture, he’s all right. The rest of them can get thrown in the ovens for all I care.

  3. delicioustacos April 21, 2019 at 3:30 pm #

    Here’s a deleted scene I meant to put in this one but didn’t:

    “I want Courtney and Bud and my father to come back from the dead. And none of this fucking Fred Gwynne warning me that they’re demonic zombies or some shit.”

  4. impoverished incel with erectile dysfunction and pattern baldness April 21, 2019 at 8:00 pm #

    worth the wait
    was gonna neck myself
    but whilst looping the loop, i figured, ah hey, why not gib the ol’ delicioustacos dot com a clickeroo of the refresh key, one last time. doesn’t cost nuffin.
    lo and behold, surprise surprise, a new poast.
    long one, too. not just effort, but filled with heart and soul.
    thank you for sharing
    congrats on ur recent success…but as you already know…be careful

    i read a funny sentence the other day, from anon with russian flag, about how it is in their culture to avoid publicly showing facial expression of joy, because then they put themselves at risk of someone coming along to try and take it away. makes sense. the russians are weird but many of their customs are logical.
    this is why when things are going well for me, i pretend to be suicidal, broke with tiny peen.

  5. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn April 21, 2019 at 9:51 pm #

    Miss a lot of family members, friends & pets myself. You do your part to honor them through your writing & through your actions, I’m sure. Salute

  6. JB April 22, 2019 at 10:27 am #

    Co write something with Roissy.

  7. ivanka trump twerking to kween bey music, as the s&p hits fresh all-time high, and carriers start sailing towards iran April 22, 2019 at 12:49 pm #

    Obnoxious Life Advice for anyone:

    if you don’t feel like doing X, then don’t do X.
    if you feel like doing X, then go do X and have fun with it.
    it has to be internal motivation, and it has to be done in a fun, light-hearted way.
    some external family, fren or blogreader telling you to do X ….that’s gonna get annoying eventually.

    the thing about tacos’ writing is, he might as well treat it as a business because he’s gonna get taxed for those sweet amazog book royalties. the trick is to find a balance between treating this shit like a business, and having fun with it. its all about balance. treat it like a business 100% of the time and you’ll get burned out, feel shitty, etc.

    if you are getting burned out by twittershilling, then tone it down a bit. take a break. no one told you to go full shill mode. that was your choice. its spring. summer before we know it. weather’s beautiful. one of the perks of living in socal.

    also no one hates your complaining. your complaints are funny and relatable.

  8. jared April 23, 2019 at 10:16 am #

    oh boy hes just like me 🙂

  9. Bareassaspirin April 23, 2019 at 11:26 am #

    Have you been subjected to extrajudicial killings? Flowers,birds,mustard seed sound alot like good to me.Thru all the ruminating, your writings are beautiful. Moving.
    Circle of life

  10. Bonnes Tacos April 24, 2019 at 11:21 am #

    You know what, as the final extinction burst, fedex a shill copy to Bret Easton “WHITE”. He strikes me as someone who would actually like it. Maybe Palahniuk too.

  11. cumala harris May 1, 2019 at 4:39 pm #


  12. cumala harris, the next 46th & 47th president of the usa May 1, 2019 at 7:10 pm #

    Tacos, how u feel about goyim of thrones season 8 so far. we know you watch and also are a reader of the books.
    obviously they have sold out big time (stupid bud light commercial with no clear message, oreos, funko pops, etc.) so they don’t care about offending approx ~25-40% of viewers with this incoherent story and wasting 2 episodes on reunions/goodbyes, not to mention wasting 7 eps of buildup.

    as someone who worked or still works in hollywood, can u pls gib insider view as to why they are basically ruining everything starting in the early 2000’s. i understand we live in clownworld yes yes but didn’t think it would get this nonsensical.

    • get /fit/ get clit May 1, 2019 at 7:40 pm #

      >be u
      >aware that we live in clown society
      >still waste 100’s of hours watching fantasy show run by 2 chosen ones, on a major cable network owned by chosen ones
      >get ur expectations subverted
      >waste even more time complaining online about how stupid the show is
      >ask tacos to join in the complaining
      >he ignores u because his life is going too well to care about such trivial matters

      ya dun goofed anon. read books. buy the ones written by tacos and mike ma and logos etc. stop watching hbo shit.

  13. shillbot6000000 May 2, 2019 at 6:05 pm #

    Bitcoin CASH

  14. no May 2, 2019 at 8:32 pm #

    stop bitching and take your meager scraps already. i say this from a place of love.

    having been a follower since ’13, your slow descent into madness is both predictable & frustrating. i wouldnt say youve squandered every chance youve had, as your blog would make me assume, bc i know there are layer underneath the persona you present. but your addiction to the next best horse porn video makes me question that.

    i think your fundamental quarrel is of a mind thats completely unsatisfied, and possibly never will be. when presented with a stimuli you gratiate it and hope to find the next best. this has been evident in your quest for pussy- not just being a horny guy, but your need for ever more stimuli.

    i hope you’ll stop quering a higher power to fill this void. i assume you’re trying to fill it, apparently with birds. i hope you actually put work into it. this is your life struggle. a struggle every person is born with, in one form or another. it seems this is yours.

    you pretend as if society is the reason why a 50 year old man cant get easy pussy. a 50 year old man with no social standing/status/cool lifestyle anymore. you only started acting this faggy when you stopped being “exciting” and stopped getting pussy, as if you dont understand why.

    you wrote manuals on how to get pussy. you know why.

    i wish youd stop lashing out at every other aspect of life as if it owes you something in solving your puzzle, as if this burden is anything other than yours to bear/burden/figure out.

    you certainly can. its your right to do so, and get worthless retweets/likes on twitter. but itll do nothing for you. deal with your own problems already

    • incelius maximus, first of his name, breaker of fleshlights, man without honor, kween slayer May 3, 2019 at 11:16 am #

      agree, gud thoughts & writing, but tacos will just say: “BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS I DON’T WANT ADVICE I WANT TO COMPLAIN GIVE ME MONEY!!!”. and you know what, this is his webblog and its in his right to use it how ever he wishes. we are merely guests here.

      he even admits it…tacos only cares about money and pussy. he only wants your “advice” if you are more successful than him, or get laid more often with hotter girls than him. and you know what, that kind of makes sense in terms of practicality: why would a man want to take advice from some random anonymous asshole? what have you or i done to earn his attention, interest and decision?

      hence, in a superficial way, yes, that is what life reduces down to…keeping track of points to measure yourself and those you interact with. the distillation of male motivation, in raw materialist sense, is measured by accumulation of fiat zogbux and how many wet holes you’ve fucked. its no longer about your record of sacking cities because we aren’t allowed to do Conan the Barbarian shit like 1000+ years ago. the typical city-dwelling materialist therefore expects his “online mutuals” and “irl friends” to be “on the same level” in terms of two points: money and pussy.

      having said that, i would point out that Tacos has heeded some of my advice. i was the one who commented that he should remove the FSGN sticky post at the top of the blog and instead link it in the sidebar cover image. many of us pressured him to set his twatter back to “public” and he did. a large chunk his sales are generated from his twitter. having a public twitter is better for promoting something to new readers than having one that is restricted to only existing followers. this is entry-level internet marketing, and logical. i don’t expect Tacos to listen to me because he knows who i am and knows my level of success with $ or women. but it is wise of him to consider advice by looking at it analytically…read something, think about it, run the numbers, and see if it makes sense, without knowing or criticising *who* said it. that is all i axe of you, tacos. i am just an anon trying to help you, and yes i know you never axed for my help.

      having said that, i think what he said on twatter about wanting more FEMALE readers is a huge mistake. women are followers. they will follow a trend if it gets big enough. and almost ALL trends are started by men. i say “almost” because there are book trends that are entirely composed of women, such as the 50 shades of grey kink novels, and marie kondo trends. but Tacos isn’t a writer of shitty bdsm books, or home organization manuals. his books are essentially about life from the MALE experience. if he wants to target more female readers he ought to look into ways to reach women who love Palahnuik and Chucky Buk. that’s not “advice”. that’s a fucking FACT, muh nigur.

      • don't give DT advice he doesn't want it May 3, 2019 at 11:26 am #

        oh, i forgot to include the most important sentence:
        80%-90% of tacos’ readers will always be MALE.

  15. Atlanta Man May 3, 2019 at 3:59 pm #

    First name, last name, LinkedIn- My entire existence online. Every strange woman I sleep with asks why I don’t have Instagram or Facebook- because it would contradict my LinkedIn and I would lose my job. I have to make enough to move to Colombia and escape…..one can dream, verdad?

    • kumalaharis May 5, 2019 at 3:53 pm #

      welkum back muh baste *igger!!!!!!!!!!!!
      glad to see the STI medication is werkin :)))))

  16. Anonymous May 7, 2019 at 5:30 am #

    I just read a lot of your back catalog. Never appreciated my wife more. Thanks

  17. atlantis manlet May 7, 2019 at 9:16 am #

    tacos…gas the tank, road trip now
    after game of cucks ends u have no excuse to stay home on weekends
    even some nice shots around lel angeles. makes me feel less alone since i’m too poorfag to do the trips myself.

    we would like to see photos of beautiful flora & fauna in ur twattr or i will refrain from purchasing your books for mother’s day. this is not the typical “why aren’t you writing anymore dance monkey dance” comment. many of us enjoy your grainyass nature photos. no flash no editing no filters. refreshingly real.

    if you’re not gonna poast words, at least unleash ur ansel adams…i believe in you. *we* believe.

    • white nite May 9, 2019 at 7:30 pm #

      don’t tell del-tacos what to do. you’re not his mum.
      how about YOU go have intercourse. it’ll make you feel better.
      learn to control yourself, rather than controlling or demanding things of others. tacos will go on a road trip and take photos when he feels like it. he’ll write when he feels like it. we are lucky to have access to this web-site. be thankful.

  18. Anonymous May 10, 2019 at 3:56 pm #

    Yo did they really take down heartistes blog df?


  1. Day Off | delicioustacos - October 12, 2019

    […] I sit and type sometimes as the sunlight expands, where the crickets sing in back at night, where the rare red-whiskered bulbul used to pick at the black mustard, a biblically significant […]

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