Sexual Harassment is an important and complex issue in today’s corporate environment, I am told by the same woman who reminds you that all agents are currently assisting other customers. This course will train you in recognizing inappropriate and harmful behavior in today’s corporate workplace. Our company cares deeply about your physical and emotional safety and that of your colleagues, managers and vendors.
You will be shown a series of videos and asked a series of questions corresponding to the scenes presented. Once all six videos are complete, you will be asked to take a final comprehensive quiz. If you’re ready to begin, press “next.”
Chapter One: The Business Trip
Ron is Ann’s manager. They’re getting off a plane in an unnamed town, then they’re in a hotel hallway. Ann is attractive. Asian. She is pretty but not too pretty. She is probably not the prettiest girl in the office but there is something about her. You can tell by Ron’s eyes that he’s going to head straight to his hotel room and beat off to her after that long plane ride. He had considered jerking off in the airplane toilet so he could get a little jizz on his finger and then pretend to brush a piece of hair out of her face, maybe close to her lips. Ron is that kind of guy. A shark in the boardroom and the bedroom. As Ann is opening her room he tells her he’s eyeing her for “the big promotion.” This is the kind of world where people talk about “sales projections” and “synergizing” and “the big promotion,” because it is written by people who have never had jobs. Their concept of the workplace is from commercials for office supplies. Their boardrooms look like the “I Wanna Sex You Up” video. And Ron wants to sex her up. Would she like to have dinner with him in the hotel restaurant tonight. We can discuss your future at the company. If you get this position we will be working together… very… closely. The kind of ellipses that can only mean “fucking.” Ann’s eyes tell us that she knows exactly what he means. Ron, I would love to discuss the promotion with you but I think it’s best that we do so back in the office. I would prefer to unwind alone tonight.
If you think Ron is going to take no for an answer, you don’t know Ron, Junior Vice President of Business Development. It’s hard for me to recommend somebody to upper management if I don’t know them… well… as a… person. His stare. The stare of a terrible actor portraying the tactlessly forward Junior Vice President of Business Development at a company that does nothing and makes nothing. But also of desire. Ann becomes flustered. Please, Ron. I– I just can’t talk about this right now. I look like a mess. I’m going to go inside and freshen up, alone…
But she doesn’t know Ron.
Who would have thought that a doughy office drone with a beer gut could move so fast. He had her wrist, her arm behind her back. She doesn’t even remember getting from the door to the bed, just that she couldn’t breathe, bent over with her face in the synthetic fabric comforter, and she was trying to scream but he pulled her wrist further up her back and the pain almost blinded her. She heard his belt buckle clanking. Then he was fumbling one handed to get her pants down; khakis so she would be comfortable on the airplane. She felt him press on her, his flesh hot and hard, and she felt herself becoming wet. Like a reflex. And then he pushed into her; huge and hot and rigid, and she was crying, and shaking, but this only made him push harder. The jangle of his belt buckle slapping her thigh. His warm weight on her. And his breathing, like a horse. You like that, you little cunt? You got a bright future at this company. You’re gonna go all… the way… to the top! And then, impossibly, he got bigger and harder and pushed into her deeper and flooded her with his seed, pumping and pumping like it would never end, letting out a grunt like it hurt. She felt herself cum, against her will, hot waves of tickly pleasure causing her to clench around him, taking his seed deeper into her. She had never cum like that in her life, and she was ashamed. He let her wrist go. She collapsed, sobbing. He cavalierly began to wash his dick in the cocktail sink. I like the cut of your jib, baby. You got the job.
Could Ron’s behavior be considered harassment? Please select “yes” or “no.”
That would be a five star sexual harassment video, but sadly that is not the video I was mandated to watch. Instead Ann merely looks mildly annoyed and Ron goes back to his sad lonely room to find the Creampie Thai whom Ann most resembles on his laptop. I am asked what emotions Ann might be expected to feel as a result of Ron’s bumbling proposition. Please check all that apply:
- THE ONLY WORD FOR IT IS IN GERMAN
- A SUDDEN FOREKNOWLEDGE OF LOSS AND MORTALITY, LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A NOVEL
It’s always harassment. And the consequences are always “all of the above.” I am asked how Ann might constructively react to her experience. The right answer is obvious. But you can’t pick it. You have to select all three and watch her salty incredulous reaction to the wrong two. Socialize with Ron in public places only. “Are you KIDDING ME? THAT WOULD ONLY LEAD HIM ON!” Fine, Jesus. She talks to you like you’re the one sniffing her office chair.
Five more vignettes like this. “Dean’s Sense of Humor” is that he enjoys leaving “computer drawings” of naked women on his colleague’s monitor. “The Friendly Repairman” is shockingly not friendly out of a sense of altruism but because he wants to skewer Elaine in shipping’s tangy muff. Vendors and outside contractors can also create a hostile work environment, not just our well-trained staff. Mike is mocked for his upcoming “commitment ceremony” with his life partner Vikram; it’s “all in good fun” for office wag Steve but sexual orientation harassment is against the law. A co-worker and former lover just won’t leave Rebecca alone. A surly-looking Lesbian is troubled by witnessing an unwanted shoulder rub at the hands of tech support. Could this be considered harassment? What is the best course of action for Rebecca to take? Yes, yes it is. Rat him out to H.R. I get it. I fucking get it. I scored one hundred per cent on the final quiz.
This video made me think about the time I got sexually assaulted in the workplace. At a restaurant. My manager called me in her office and then just pushed me into a wall and started sucking on my neck. It was startling and gross; her hot wet mouth like a rat crawling on me. I pushed her off and went back to frying chicken wings. Filed a complaint and nothing ever came of it. The higher ups all knew I fucked all the waitresses on top of a palette of lettuce in the walk-in fridge; I was a slut who had it coming. We found out later she was crazy; she left town to go on some kind of long road trip/ manic crime spree because she thought she was Satan’s wife. If I had known this, I would have fucked her. Imagine the moves a girl like that has.
In fact, if she had wanted to fuck me, and had done basically anything but trying to physically overpower me and chew on my flesh, she could have pulled it off. If she had said “hey, want me to suck your dick?” I would have said “sure.” If she had just lifted her skirt and presented like a baboon I would have speared her. Anything but the only thing she knew how to do. Women are biologically incapable of making a move.
I wish someone had made her watch Sexual Harassment: Issues for Today’s Workforce. Because that’s the common theme here– people making such staggeringly gameless and boneheaded advances that there is no possible way to react other than disgust. Ron, you could have had that ass if you had held back a little. You’re the boss. She is naturally attracted to you because you tell her what to do. Any forward move you make is only going to get in your own way. Do nothing. Say nothing. If she says something suggestive, just say “oh my.” She’ll get buzzed off a couple tiny bottles of Smirnoff and come in your room and ask if you want to watch a movie. You’re just fucking blowing it so hard right now, Ron. You are one billion light years away from planet pussy with only a mule to get you there. I’m going to have to report you to H.R. for being so unfuckable.
But of course, they can’t say this. They can’t say anything true or useful, that helps anyone in any way. They just gotta cover their ass for when they get sued. Fine.
In conclusion: two and a half stars.