Corporate Training Video Review: “Sexual Harassment: Issues for Today’s Workforce”

8 Nov

The proudest day of my life

Sexual Harassment is an important and complex issue in today’s corporate environment, I am told by the same woman who reminds you that all agents are currently assisting other customers.  This course will train you in recognizing inappropriate and harmful behavior in today’s corporate workplace.  Our company cares deeply about your physical and emotional safety and that of your colleagues, managers and vendors.

You will be shown a series of videos and asked a series of questions corresponding to the scenes presented. Once all six videos are complete, you will be asked to take a final comprehensive quiz.  If you’re ready to begin, press “next.”

Chapter One: The Business Trip

Ron is Ann’s manager.  They’re getting off a plane in an unnamed town, then they’re in a hotel hallway.  Ann is attractive.  Asian.  She is pretty but not too pretty. She is probably not the prettiest girl in the office but there is something about her.   You can tell by Ron’s eyes that he’s going to head straight to his hotel room and beat off to her after that long plane ride.  He had considered jerking off in the airplane toilet so he could get a little jizz on his finger and then pretend to brush a piece of hair out of her face, maybe close to her lips. Ron is that kind of guy.  A shark in the boardroom and the bedroom.  As Ann is opening her room he tells her he’s eyeing her for “the big promotion.”  This is the kind of world where people talk about “sales projections” and “synergizing” and “the big promotion,” because it is written by people who have never had jobs.  Their concept of the workplace is from commercials for office supplies. Their boardrooms look like the “I Wanna Sex You Up” video.  And Ron wants to sex her up.  Would she like to have dinner with him in the hotel restaurant tonight.  We can discuss your future at the company.  If you get this position we will be working together… very… closely.  The kind of ellipses that can only mean “fucking.”  Ann’s eyes tell us that she knows exactly what he means.  Ron, I would love to discuss the promotion with you but I think it’s best that we do so back in the office. I would prefer to unwind alone tonight.

If you think Ron is going to take no for an answer, you don’t know Ron, Junior Vice President of Business Development.  It’s hard for me to recommend somebody to upper management if I don’t know them… well… as a… person.  His stare.  The stare of a terrible actor portraying the tactlessly forward Junior Vice President of Business Development at a company that does nothing and makes nothing.  But also of desire.  Ann becomes flustered.  Please, Ron.  I– I just can’t talk about this right now.  I look like a mess. I’m going to go inside and freshen up, alone…

But she doesn’t know Ron.

Who would have thought that a doughy office drone with a beer gut could move so fast.  He had her wrist, her arm behind her back. She doesn’t even remember getting from the door to the bed, just that she couldn’t breathe, bent over with her face in the synthetic fabric comforter, and she was trying to scream but he pulled her wrist further up her back and the pain almost blinded her.  She heard his belt buckle clanking.  Then he was fumbling one handed to get her pants down; khakis so she would be comfortable on the airplane.  She felt him press on her, his flesh hot and hard, and she felt herself becoming wet. Like a reflex.  And then he pushed into her; huge and hot and rigid, and she was crying, and shaking, but this only made him push harder.  The jangle of his belt buckle slapping her thigh.  His warm weight on her.  And his breathing, like a horse.  You like that, you little cunt?  You got a bright future at this company.  You’re gonna go all… the way… to the top!  And then, impossibly, he got bigger and harder and pushed into her deeper and flooded her with his seed, pumping and pumping like it would never end, letting out a grunt like it hurt.  She felt herself cum, against her will, hot waves of tickly pleasure causing her to clench around him, taking his seed deeper into her.  She had never cum like that in her life, and she was ashamed.  He let her wrist go.  She collapsed, sobbing.  He cavalierly began to wash his dick in the cocktail sink.  I like the cut of your jib, baby.  You got the job.

Could Ron’s behavior be considered harassment?  Please select “yes” or “no.”

That would be a five star sexual harassment video, but sadly that is not the video I was mandated to watch.  Instead Ann merely looks mildly annoyed and Ron goes back to his sad lonely room to find the Creampie Thai whom Ann most resembles on his laptop. I am asked what emotions Ann might be expected to feel as a result of Ron’s bumbling proposition.  Please check all that apply:

  • FEAR

It’s always harassment.  And the consequences are always “all of the above.”  I am asked how Ann might constructively react to her experience.  The right answer is obvious.  But you can’t pick it.  You have to select all three and watch her salty incredulous reaction to the wrong two. Socialize with Ron in public places only.  “Are you KIDDING ME?  THAT WOULD ONLY LEAD HIM ON!”  Fine, Jesus.  She talks to you like you’re the one sniffing her office chair.

Ann has one of those Asian faces that looks a little like Admiral Akbar. But I would still strap on a gas mask stuffed with her used panties and beat the meat like a chimpanzee.

Five more vignettes like this. “Dean’s Sense of Humor” is that he enjoys leaving “computer drawings” of naked women on his colleague’s monitor.  “The Friendly Repairman” is shockingly not friendly out of a sense of altruism but because he wants to skewer Elaine in shipping’s tangy muff.  Vendors and outside contractors can also create a hostile work environment, not just our well-trained staff.  Mike is mocked for his upcoming “commitment ceremony” with his life partner Vikram; it’s “all in good fun” for office wag Steve but sexual orientation harassment is against the law.  A co-worker and former lover just won’t leave Rebecca alone.  A surly-looking Lesbian is troubled by witnessing an unwanted shoulder rub at the hands of tech support.  Could this be considered harassment? What is the best course of action for Rebecca to take?  Yes, yes it is.  Rat him out to H.R.  I get it.  I fucking get it.  I scored one hundred per cent on the final quiz.

Congress, huh? What a bunch of schmucks. Also, suck my dick or I’ll fire you.

This video made me think about the time I got sexually assaulted in the workplace.  At a restaurant.  My manager called me in her office and then just pushed me into a wall and started sucking on my neck.  It was startling and gross; her hot wet mouth like a rat crawling on me. I pushed her off and went back to frying chicken wings.  Filed a complaint and nothing ever came of it.  The higher ups all knew I fucked all the waitresses on top of a palette of lettuce in the walk-in fridge; I was a slut who had it coming. We found out later she was crazy; she left town to go on some kind of long road trip/ manic crime spree because she thought she was Satan’s wife. If I had known this, I would have fucked her.  Imagine the moves a girl like that has.

In fact, if she had wanted to fuck me, and had done basically anything but trying to physically overpower me and chew on my flesh, she could have pulled it off.  If she had said “hey, want me to suck your dick?” I would have said “sure.”  If she had just lifted her skirt and presented like a baboon I would have speared her.  Anything but the only thing she knew how to do.  Women are biologically incapable of making a move.

I wish someone had made her watch Sexual Harassment: Issues for Today’s Workforce.  Because that’s the common theme here– people making such staggeringly gameless and boneheaded advances that there is no possible way to react other than disgust.  Ron, you could have had that ass if you had held back a little.  You’re the boss.  She is naturally attracted to you because you tell her what to do.  Any forward move you make is only going to get in your own way.  Do nothing.  Say nothing.  If she says something suggestive, just say “oh my.”  She’ll get buzzed off a couple tiny bottles of Smirnoff and come in your room and ask if you want to watch a movie.  You’re just fucking blowing it so hard right now, Ron.  You are one billion light years away from planet pussy with only a mule to get you there.  I’m going to have to report you to H.R. for being so unfuckable.

But of course, they can’t say this.  They can’t say anything true or useful, that helps anyone in any way.  They just gotta cover their ass for when they get sued. Fine.

In conclusion: two and a half stars.

28 Responses to “Corporate Training Video Review: “Sexual Harassment: Issues for Today’s Workforce””

  1. Spoos in August November 8, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

    Well written, and very amusing.

    Should I ever come across Asian Admiral Ackbar, or I will doubtless be scolded for laughing during a sexual harassment presentation.

    • Spoos in August November 8, 2012 at 8:17 pm #

      Err, strike the “or.” Oops

  2. ariseandexcel November 8, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

    A+ sir.

  3. I once had a pet turtle as lazy as you. The neighbor's cat ate him. November 8, 2012 at 11:57 pm #

    You lazy motherfucker! Part 3!!!

    Hurry up, seriously. I want to know if Filbert and Astrid end up killing one another or not.

  4. Emily November 9, 2012 at 5:59 am #

    (believe me)
    And, the answer is (D) Quit.
    That’s what qualifies it as harassment. People forget about this. If someone crosses your lines and you genuinely don’t want to experience it again or further in any way–your only real option is to leave. You lose. If you don’t leave–then you have betrayed yourself and you hate yourself more and more each day for not getting yourself away from what is happening. You lose. Again. You have been screwed—at whatever level of penetration.
    (believe me)

    And it never ever makes you wet.


    • sylviasarah November 9, 2012 at 8:52 am #

      You would be doing yourself and your company a favor by reporting the harasser and not quitting. Unless, like in the real example given, the company does nothing about it. Then you could sue and it’s still good for you and probably for your co-workers.

      • Anonymous November 9, 2012 at 9:38 am #

        its never good for you. thats the point. i mean that is how the experience is actually defined. reporting leads to worse scenarios and a dragged out lawsuit is humiliating–nobody really feels good at the end of that. what is reliably worse that an oppressive penis?
        both demand a lot of dodging
        that is just the way the world is run

      • sylviasarah November 9, 2012 at 9:51 am #

        Yeah well, you shouldn’t just sit back and let other people do what they want if it is going to negatively effect a bunch of people, or even yourself. You should have more respect for yourself than just to sit back and let it slide, let that one person determine the rest of your life, how you feel about yourself. If you really liked that job, if it was great for whatever reasons, you’re just going to quit because some person made you feel uncomfortable and wouldn’t stop? Why should you have to quit?

        And I don’t mean just penis. If a woman did this I’d expect the same from a man.

    • aneroidocean November 9, 2012 at 9:16 pm #

      Actually, it is not unheard of for women to not just become wet (lubricated), but to also have orgasms in some cases. I don’t have any specific links other than the below, but if you do some research you’ll see that it does happen:


      “In those cases where it could be known that the victim climaxed, whatever the frequency, it would certainly be a revelation that came possibly even years later during therapy or somesuch and not as a part of the initial crime report if one was ever even filed. So it would probably be very difficult or impossible to even estimate a percentage. It is safe to say it is relatively low but does happen. It is also safe to say out of those who have been studied they did report that it increased their confusion, emotional damage, and sense of blaming themselves for the crime. (this was gleaned by Googling “study frequency of climax during rape” and navigating to a few book results which generally wound up leading to cites from the Kinsey Institute).

      It is worth noting that both men and women can orgasm when receiving severe physical or emotional trauma completely unrelated to sexual activity (e.g. being decapitated or hung, car accidents, spinal injuries, etc have resulted in orgasm). Some rapes can be so violent and traumatic they could be likened to this level of intense physiological overload response.

      Some minority of women also entertain rape fantasies. Some to the point they role play these fantasies with their consenting partners. If you assume a small minority of women have strong and frequently exercised rape fantasies and achieve orgasms with their consenting partners while role playing them, it isn’t a huge stretch to speculate that if confronted with the actual act some of them might involuntarily orgasm. Even if they are terrified, hurt and completely disgusted by the reality of the situation vs. the fantasy, if those elements have been the basis of a deep-seated sexual fantasy it could happen. Obviously those who fantasize about rape generally fantasize about a much less violent, must less terrifying experience and with someone they are physically attracted to. Women who frequently fantasize also show higher rates of orgasm during masturbation and intercourse in general (Arndt, Foehl, & Good, 1985; Leitenberg & Henning, 1995). Many women report that sexual fantasies help them achieve orgasm and increase sexual arousal (Davidson & Hoffman, 1986; Hariton & Singer, 1974; Sue, 1979). Evidence also shows that some women are able to use fantasies to reach orgasm without any type of physical stimulation (Kinsey, Pomeroy, Martin & Gebhard, 1953; Mah & Binik, 2001; Whipple, Ogden, & Komisaruk, 1992). Recent studies have found the same physiological response during orgasm induced by self induced imagery (fantasies) and genital self stimulation (Stock & Geer, 1982; Whipple, et al., 1992).”

  5. Anonymous November 9, 2012 at 10:29 am #

    All jobs suck.
    And it will happen if you stay long enough in any of them. Men are in charge. And you can not change that. But if you realize that what they are in charge of sucks (jobs, money, politics) then you can just leave and let them have it. Respecting yourself means walk the fuck away and don’t waste your life fighting. Battle is another male frontier. Just fuck them for fun on your terms-do your own work– and give up any value of money. That is the ultimate power.
    (D) Quit

  6. Anonymous November 9, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    And actually you can ‘just sit back and let other people do what they want’. Your job is to decide what you want. There is not much you can do about anyone else. Punishment and Vengence are not very honorable pursuits. Saving other people? –arrogant and self righteous.

    • Wendie February 17, 2013 at 3:09 am #

      Imagine you are on a first date and your date tells you that he was accused of rape, but the judge and jury found him not gliuty. How would you feel about the guy? Even though you may tend to believe him, you don’t really know him that well. Now if it came up many months into your relationship and he felt it was time to tell you, then you’d understand, right?Same thing goes for interviews. Sometimes the cold hard truth isn’t best to say. It’s never good to lie in an interview, but in this case I would tell a white lie. You don’t want to air your dirty laundry in an interview. Even though your claim is valid and even the EEOC agrees with you, this isn’t good to bring up.So make something up that sounds standard. Like you were not challenged in your previous job. Or you wanted a shorter commute (or you are thinking about moving to a different area and therefore want a shorter commute). Or you just felt a bad vibe within your company (you didn’t know if it was management or corporate culture, but you never felt comfortable hey, this sounds good). Let’s say you then get the job. Then after some time when your case is closed, I’d go to your manager and tell them the truth. If your performance is great, I think they will understand.Anyway, best of luck to you.References :

  7. Anonymous November 9, 2012 at 10:44 am #

    Do you really think there is any real defense?
    We live in a world where professional men visualize detailed rape fantasies in direct reaction to one minute with their sexual harassment quiz. Do you think DT is an anomaly? THIS is what it’s like at work. No matter whathefuck Michelle Obama says.

    • sylviasarah November 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

      What are you talking about? I’ve had to sit through more sexual harassment videos and quizzes than most people will ever sit through because of the places I’ve worked. I’ve actually worked, so I like to think I know what it’s like at work. Maybe I’m not in the porn industry and I’m not a hot female construction worker, but still.

      Maybe it’s just me but what I want is to not be harassed and in order to do that I can either back away slowly and quit everything and let that douche get what he wants, or I can try to feel comfortable at work again. The point of those stupid videos is to let people know it’s alright, that it’s the right thing to do to not sit back, to not just quit, but to let someone know what you want, and that is to not be harassed.

      Visualizing is different from doing. If we’re to trust his posts, he wouldn’t rape anyone despite his very vivid writing. People write scripts for serial killers and crazy anarchists but they’re not necessarily running around overthrowing governments.

      And eff your couch. Really? So would you not tell a rape victim that s/he should think about the people the rapist would rape in the future if s/he didn’t come forward? I mean, it wouldn’t be an easy thing to do, but is that what you would suggest?

      I don’t know what you have against men but I guess I’ve been fortunate enough to realize that even in the battle of the sexes, there are always individuals. Your generalizing is more telling of personal issues, which I’m sorry you have had to face, than it is of the world at large. The plural of anecdote is not data.

      • sylviasarah November 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

        Also, no one is talking about either vengeance or punishment. I’m not saying what should happen, or why it should happen and those things are necessary when you’re talking vengeance and punishment. What I’m saying is, people should be held accountable for their actions. It’s correction and if they don’t want to be corrected, that’s fine. It’s the ones who are doing wrong who’s actions should be corrected and it’s up to them to decide if they want to correct themselves or if they want to quit.

      • Anonymous November 10, 2012 at 1:46 am #

        Plenty of people write scripts focused on violence against women. Most monetarily successful scripts in fact. And, no, they aren’t all rapists. But yes, it is a rock solid indication of the dominant cultural attitude towards women. It has nothing to do with hating men–this goes much deeper and back much farther historically. Try reading some Catherine breilat interviews–she is a great example of a woman who acknowledges the pervasive idea of women as victims –without blatantly hating men or being a victim herself.
        Those videos exist to protect people up at the top of the ladder (and their money) from any potential litigation.
        I don’t think DT would ever rape anyone on purpose–but if he was blacked out it could happen–and if we a true to his posts–we know he thinks very little of women. Except for a few, whom he also often disregards. He is very typical in this regard–albeit atypically honest about it.

      • sylviasarah November 10, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

        I was going to write a long comment but suffice it to say, I disagree. I know, you don’t need me to agree, but I strongly disagree with you.


      • Anonymous November 12, 2012 at 3:16 am #

        i WORK too. i have been everything from a waitress and a maid to a corporate marketing manager. mutli-million dollar projects and grass root silicon valley start ups. what jobs have you had sylvia? where you take so many quizzes? i, personally, have never worked in porn or construction.

      • Anonymous November 12, 2012 at 3:23 am #

        one thing we should definitely be honest about here is DT.
        lets face it–within these posts alone we can know a few key things..
        he is capable of genuine violence and regularly builds displaces significant levels of rage.
        He has killed innocent animals and lost physical control with a woman. (shooting birds for chirping and choking fake girlfriend fervently).
        so he is attractive and talented.
        he is still genuinely dangerous.
        wake up sylvia.

      • Anonymous is a fucking idiot. November 12, 2012 at 7:04 am #

        What a fucking moronic thing to say. Dangerous? Idiot.

      • sylviasarah November 12, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

        My dad worked as a prison guard for like, all his life and the one lesson he always gave us from it, beside trying to convince us that men only go to prison if they want to get raped, is that everyone is capable of anything. He saw guys who you would never think were bad, they did terrible, terrible things. He saw guys that you would think had to be murderers, and they were arrested for things like theft. Anyone is capable of anything, it’s not just DT. It’s just a fact of life.

        I don’t…do you think I’ve never worked? I’m not going to argue with you anymore because you’re really bad at making points. Look at you, you’re special, no one could ever have had as many jobs in such a wide variety, even though last I read this generation fills an average of 7 jobs before deciding to settle on one. But, no, no one could possibly know anything as well as you.

        You’re done.

      • sylviasarah November 12, 2012 at 12:49 pm #

        Also, I eat innocent animals. Ones that have been locked in cages and never been free to roam around. Ones that probably would kill themselves a la Brooks in The Shawshank Redemption. So, shooting innocent animals doesn’t sound pretty when you don’t give it context but then you realize, all the animals I’ve ever eaten were innocent.

  8. Dr. Eric Stratton November 9, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

    Time for your annual recertification too, huh? I keep pausing it and coming back.

  9. aneroidocean November 9, 2012 at 9:21 pm #

    My old work was so funny this way. We were a VERY male dominated business, and the handful of women there would always joke with the rest of us about how, “sexual harassment hurts everyone!”

    That was the best line in our sexual harassment training ever.

    Whenever we got a new HR person, we’d take bets on how long it’d take until they were gone.

    Record was less than 1 day.

    No, I am not kidding. My old work was so awesome. Fuck this current job.

  10. Senior Beta November 28, 2012 at 1:28 pm #

    Having done these kinds of cases for a living (hey, it got 3 kids through college and may fund my retirement) this post is the best sex harassment training on the Web. Package it; sell it. Then you can retire.


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