Tag Archives: girls

Protected: Television Review: Girls

18 Feb

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Girls

10 Jun

Her: So whatever happened with that girl?

Me: Which one?

Her: …

Me: I mean, whoever it is, I can tell you: nothing.

Me: I fucked her, or I didn’t fuck her, and now I don’t speak to her anymore.

Protected: Diary 11/15/10: Trying to Remember Girls I Have Boned Recently

29 Apr

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The Legend of Zelda

17 Mar

Going out and trying to meet a girl at a bar is like, when in Legend of Zelda, you had to, to get the raft or something, you had to burn down a bush with the candle. And you didn’t know which bush. There are thousands of bushes in the game. So you just went around with your candle through each screen burning each individual bush. That’s what going out is like, only without the certainty that there even IS a raft, or a ladder, or whateverthefuck it was. Like looking for the raft without the correct issue of Nintendo Power. That’s why Legend of Zelda sucked.

Diary: Sitting in the Park

16 Mar

OK. Sitting in the park.  Opted to write over playing guitar.  This is therefore the one day when a hot available chick would have been walking in the park, heard my magnificent guitar playing, stopped and talked to me, and then had sex with me.  Stayed with me for all my long days and borne me many children.  Now instead I will die alone.

STD’s

13 Mar

I had an STD once.  It was “non-gonococcal urethritis.”  This means- something is in your dick, hurting it, and we know that it is not gonorrhea.  We don’t know what it is, but we know what it isn’t.  Thanks science.

I took a bunch of antibiotics for it.  It still did not go away.  This was terrifying of course.  I went to doctor after doctor, had my dickhole abrasively rubbed against microscope slides, had a guy milk my fucking prostate to test if some identifiable virus was lurking in the very most profound depths of my well of pre-cum— no. Nothing.  I was terrified, but every doctor was just like: “meh.”  Don’t worry about it.  Sometimes this shit happens, and eventually it just goes away.

Really?  Because I was told that if you get an STD you will carry it for life, infect everyone you ever look at, and then when the poor chick goes to have a baby 20 years from now its eyes will come out sealed shut with massive grapelike clusters of warts and the fucking thing will meekly flail its Chernobyl flippers before exploding and taking out 20 city blocks, and it will all be your fault.  I was told that if you even think about sticking your dick in someone without a condom, a dental dam, spermicidal jelly, and the pill you will instantly get AIDS and impregnate the girl with a spider’s nest full of three-headed demons.

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Protected: But I Can’t Get Laid

3 Mar

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