Tags: alcohol, astrid, cocaine, girls, lena dunham, my penis, taco titties
Tag Archives: girls
Girls
10 JunHer: So whatever happened with that girl?
Me: Which one?
Her: …
Me: I mean, whoever it is, I can tell you: nothing.
Me: I fucked her, or I didn’t fuck her, and now I don’t speak to her anymore.
The Legend of Zelda
17 MarGoing out and trying to meet a girl at a bar is like, when in Legend of Zelda, you had to, to get the raft or something, you had to burn down a bush with the candle. And you didn’t know which bush. There are thousands of bushes in the game. So you just went around with your candle through each screen burning each individual bush. That’s what going out is like, only without the certainty that there even IS a raft, or a ladder, or whateverthefuck it was. Like looking for the raft without the correct issue of Nintendo Power. That’s why Legend of Zelda sucked.
Diary: Sitting in the Park
16 MarOK. Sitting in the park. Opted to write over playing guitar. This is therefore the one day when a hot available chick would have been walking in the park, heard my magnificent guitar playing, stopped and talked to me, and then had sex with me. Stayed with me for all my long days and borne me many children. Now instead I will die alone.
STD’s
13 MarI had an STD once. It was “non-gonococcal urethritis.” This means- something is in your dick, hurting it, and we know that it is not gonorrhea. We don’t know what it is, but we know what it isn’t. Thanks science.
I took a bunch of antibiotics for it. It still did not go away. This was terrifying of course. I went to doctor after doctor, had my dickhole abrasively rubbed against microscope slides, had a guy milk my fucking prostate to test if some identifiable virus was lurking in the very most profound depths of my well of pre-cum— no. Nothing. I was terrified, but every doctor was just like: “meh.” Don’t worry about it. Sometimes this shit happens, and eventually it just goes away.
Really? Because I was told that if you get an STD you will carry it for life, infect everyone you ever look at, and then when the poor chick goes to have a baby 20 years from now its eyes will come out sealed shut with massive grapelike clusters of warts and the fucking thing will meekly flail its Chernobyl flippers before exploding and taking out 20 city blocks, and it will all be your fault. I was told that if you even think about sticking your dick in someone without a condom, a dental dam, spermicidal jelly, and the pill you will instantly get AIDS and impregnate the girl with a spider’s nest full of three-headed demons.
When Women
22 Febsay they “like nerdy guys,” they mean a guy in an indie rock band who gets laid more than Tiger Woods, but wears the black glasses like the Central Casting nerd. And when you take them off, it’s like when the “ugly” chick takes off her glasses in that Freddy Prinze Jr. movie. In other words, they’re not talking about you.
Molly
21 FebShe got on fucking birth control for him. Fucking right away. And she told me it was— she told me she had to go to the doctor and it was some medical condition but that’s fucking bullshit. She did it for him. She did it for him and she wouldn’t do it for me. Fucking twat. She’s going to get fat. She’s going to be fat with small tits and she has horrible teeth. Her incisors splay out on top of her— what the fuck, her other incisors, Jesus— this is hard, I’m not a fucking dentist. Her two very front teeth splay out on top of her two second-from-frontmost teeth, they kind of—they collapse toward each other in the middle. It’s like an old paperback book open in the middle. And they’re yellow. She’s really white and her teeth are really yellow and she gets zits sometimes and she drags her teeth when she blows you and I don’t understand why this dude is going out with her. And she doesn’t fucking drink and is extremely doctrinaire about Alcoholics Anonymous and is constantly going to meetings and then has to come home and be with her hideous, annoying pets and her house smells like cat shit. I have one cat, and he’s quiet, attractive and sleek. And he shits outside. If your pets are ugly I feel sorry for you. But then, maybe this new guy is my cat and I’m her cat, in terms of attractiveness.
She’s fat and stupid and I hate her but she has such pretty eyes. And a great sense of style. And she’s just generally fun to be around. And if her being fat bothered me I guess I wouldn’t be boning a bunch of other much fatter chicks.
Anyway, she got on birth control for him. Because she loves him and she didn’t love me. She probably sleeps with him all the time; she would never sleep over here. Fucking twat. Die, die, die, you horrible stupid twat. Also, get back together with me.
New Book
delicioustacos 