Anyway, Jenny. Sorry, but you should have been more interesting and you definitely should not have made me come in my hand. You are on fucking birth control, for Christ’s sake, and like— she specifically instructed me not to come on her— I wasn’t planning on blowing it all over her face or anything but I had to grip my helmet tightly and painfully to prevent cum from spraying all over the place. This is ridiculous. I hate how’s she’s so squeamish about basic sex acts, like— she won’t suck dick. She’s really cute and she can be really cool but also, you know, she used to be fat and is kind of owlish looking and so is still insecure about her appearance, who knows.
Heather. Heather, I am sorry, I know you like me, and I am blowing you off. I must have been the fucking catch of the century for you, and I don’t mean that in a self-aggrandizing way. I mean that in a way demeaning of you. I wanted to go out with you because you are nineteen years old, and that made me hot, but what kind of fucking nineteen year old has saggy boobs. Apparently you used to be fat, and that’s why they’re like that– well, get fat again. And you live in a squalid, filthy studio in Inglewood and have no car, and when I sleep over it’s on a goddamn pullout sofa bed with a fucking— trying to think of a funny word for steel bar— whatever, with a steel bar pinioning you in the middle, or on your roommate’s brick-hard little futon-couch. And when you come to visit me I have to go pick you up at the train station, and then drop you off– no. Find yourself a nice local boy.
Adelina. Adelina, you are a tough nut to crack. I fuck you once, I ask you out, actually I look for you at Fuck Yeah Fest and then ask you over to dinner; both times you don’t hang out with me. Then Leah invites me over saying you want to see me, which– great. You are goddamn beautiful. I fuck you again. But then I ask you out again, like, in the car dropping you off I say we should go on a date, and you are unenthusiastic, and then later I ask you out again, and you say you can’t— and then, what? Do you want me to just fuck you? That would be fine! But God forbid you should just say that. Anyway, now I lost your number so that’s that. God, what other girls, Leeanne- who else. Before that it was Emily, right? Am I missing any other Okcupid girls? There was a another girl, Jen P., I didn’t fuck her—- I feel like I’m missing someone. Who was before that? That gobliny-looking chick who knows Josh. Big tits. I feel like there was another Mexican chick in there. Was it Diana before her? Jesus Christ, I can’t even remember- I know there’s a chick I fucked in there somewhere that I’m not remembering. That’s horrible. Leeanne was like right after the Fourth of July. Was Diana after her? Katie was before that. Emily; Emily was a good month, the chick who was looking for casual sex on OKCupid who sent me pictures of her butthole, who used to date drug dealers and whore for them, who starred in porn. Who I actually liked and hung out with a lot but when I finally introduced you to my friends you were a drunken semi-sapient mess. But you live nearby, just like Adelina. Jesus, who else. I’ll need to go through my OKCupid messages.