Unemployment Diary: Money

6 Feb


Fuck– I gotta get gas.  Money down the drain.  Gas is too fucking expensive.  I hear there’s an oil boom in North Dakota; domestic production is gonna outstrip imports and we’re closer to energy independence.  Great, I’m sure we can all expect gas prices to drop real soon.

But, fuck it.  Who cares. I have no money, and I don’t give a shit.  I have no wife; I have no kids; I have no ailments.  Whatever education I need I’ll get off Wikipedia.  I have cheap internet so I can beat off and a bigass package of Von’s brand assorted chicken parts for 87 cents a pound.  What more do you need.  My car cost twelve hundred bucks and if it breaks I’ll buy another one for even less.  You can buy an old car for how much fixing a scratched bumper costs on a new car.  The Cubans are onto something; you can keep these old beasts running forever. High priced liquor is bullshit; all alcohol is caustic poison and it all tastes like ass.  So Von’s store brand brandy at 6 dollars a quart is just fucking fine.  They give it some fancy Dutch name, Van Der Hobo or some shit.  Getting drunk on it feels just as good.

You think you want money, but what you really want is pussy.  You think money gets you pussy, but– look at guys with money.  The pussy they get is weird, square mercenary girls; girls from good upbringings, girls who insist on their OKCupid profiles that any man who messages them should have a stable job.  You whore– why don’t I insist on my profile that you suck my dick on a toilet on the first date.  Or maybe “whore” is a little harsh but anybody who gives a shit about their date’s money is a guaranteed bore.  You never hear anything about romantic life out of careerists except “I have a great job and own my own home, why can’t I find a nice relationship?”  Because you see it as another work project.  I have the qualifications, sir, and I have the degree, and my division’s numbers are looking to exceed benchmarks next quarter– why can’t I get that promotion?  Why can’t I have a girlfriend? Because you spent your life making yourself look good on paper. And you can’t fuck paper.  Or you can, but it chafes.

Guys with money get boring girls, girls who are inwardly put off by the guys constantly bragging about their work and money but stick around against their instincts, against their hearts, the way people sit through a boring econ class because they’re gonna need to get into a top 20 MBA school.  They stick around because their parents told them that’s what they wanted.  Boring men have money.  Boring girls chase money.   Let that whole corner of society go do its own thing.  Their clean houses and new cars are ridiculous.  Massaging seat rests and heated cup holders; useless shit that’s gonna break and sit in a landfill.

The reality is, the people who fuck the most are poor people.  Villagers rawdogging in some malarial slum by the equator; thugged out 14 year old gangbangers out of The Wire impregnating young ass. Shitty indie bass players squatting in big rotten houses in Echo Park making five an hour under the table to clean glasses at the Echo.  What these men lose in gold, they make up for in pussy. Ask yourself: what is the real treasure.  When you are on your deathbed, will you think: thank God I paid the extra two grand for the undercoat and the heated in-seat back massager. Or will you think about the dewey eyes of the community college girl after your shitty band’s show; her lips. She was dumb but she liked good movies.  There’s something to admire about everybody.

It’s expensive to live, but really, it’s mostly just rent unless you get sick. It’s a livable situation to be without money.  It’s an unlivable situation to be without pussy.  You feel untouchable, unlovable– you look so alien-ugly in the mirror you feel like you dropped acid. I better make some money, you think.  I better make something of myself, and then a girl will want to be with me.  Why not skip the middleman.  If a girl wants to be with you, you must have made something of yourself already.

25 Responses to “Unemployment Diary: Money”

  1. Anonymous February 6, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

    I like you DT and I hate to say this to you but money does get pussy. I know because I’m a girl. Not that I go for money specifically but fucking someone without money is below like, what, 60 percent of us? Which is still a majority. Plus, money makes guys more alluring. Not the money itself but what the money can do: looks and that air of arrogance or something je ne sais quoi.

    • sylviasarah February 6, 2013 at 8:43 pm #

      Not to sound like I’m trying to be disagreeable but he did say poor people have more sex, not that they are the only ones who have sex. I would hate for guys to read this and see “I know because I’m a girl” and say, ‘Bitches are all about the money.’ You are like that, you shouldn’t claim it as an interest of girls, but as an interest of yours and, likely, a lot of other girls.

      • Anonymous February 6, 2013 at 9:01 pm #

        That’s exactly why I said 60 percent. Read much?

      • Anonymous February 6, 2013 at 9:06 pm #

        “Not to sound like I’m trying to be disagreeable” – that’s exactly what you sound like. But thanks for the disclaimer. I guess it was nice of you to say that. Hahahaha.

      • sylviasarah February 6, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

        Bitter much? And, 60% implies most women, you don’t know if it’s most women. You shouldn’t feel free to speak for most women. If you have to guess a percentage, obviously you don’t know what the true percentage would be if there were actually a survey done. Hahaha. Women like you are why there are so many bitter men.

      • Anonymous February 7, 2013 at 5:18 pm #

        “Women like you are why there are so many bitter men.” My response to this? Women like you are why men think of women as stupid. HAHAHAHAHA. Have a great weekend love.

      • sylviasarah February 7, 2013 at 5:53 pm #

        🙂 I’d rather have people think I’m stupid than think I’m smart because I pull made up facts out of my ass.

      • Anonymous February 7, 2013 at 6:32 pm #

        “I’d rather have people think I’m stupid” – they do, don’t worry. HAHAHAHA

      • sylviasarah February 7, 2013 at 7:30 pm #

        …do you have that disorder that makes you laugh and cry for no reason? I heard about it on a commercial. Thank you for bringing further awareness. You’re a very strong person. An idiot, but strong.

    • ‘Reality’ Doug February 6, 2013 at 8:46 pm #

      In America, we call that ‘white man’s burden’. Can charisma completely overcome no disposable income? You bang any broke-ass men in the past year?

    • enormymous February 6, 2013 at 11:58 pm #

      “I know because I’m a girl.” By that logic, I should be able to provide equally insightful numerical data about gravity, because … I stand on earth.

      Money has shit all to do with making a guy ‘alluring’. One of my favorite broke losers, 40 year old, fat, balding guy living in a shed, bangs girls hotter than you every weekend. Tu ne sais quoi, that’s right at least.

      • Anonymous February 7, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

        Whatever. HAHAHAHA

    • Anonymous February 8, 2013 at 12:49 am #

      Of course you would hear about something like that on a commercial. Or about anything really, right? HAHA… etc.

    • Stephen February 18, 2013 at 4:03 pm #

      So all the guys you fuck have money?

  2. flyingfuck February 6, 2013 at 9:06 pm #

    Put a donate button on your site. I’m fairly poor myself but, fuck it, this is my favourite blog.

    • delicioustacos February 7, 2013 at 5:01 pm #

      Done! But don’t fuck yourself out of money you need on account of my drunk ass, seriously.

  3. Anonymous February 6, 2013 at 10:44 pm #

    Sour grapes.

  4. Dr. Illusion February 6, 2013 at 11:22 pm #

    I agree with the above fellow that yoi should put a donate button on your site. I would be willing to chip in, since I am not lacking in wealth.

    I do take offense to you saying guys with money are boring, but I din’t give a fuck. Being offended is for losers (most Americans).

    I doubt you follow my blog, or even know it exists, but I do video interviews with bloggers a lot. I would like to do one with you, if you are interested. I have interviewed Ace, Leap of a Beta and Bill Powell so far. I will be interviewing Young Hunter this weekend. If you are interested, email me at info@illusionofsanity.com

    Seriously, get a donate button. And quit letting people comment anonymously. That shit is just annoying.

    • enormymous February 6, 2013 at 11:55 pm #

      Agreed. Anonymous commenters, extra lamecore, troll nozzles. And donate button. Hook it up, broke white man.

  5. vsoze February 7, 2013 at 7:51 am #

    Talking of The Wire, maybe you should become a stick up artist like my main man Omar Little. Plenty of opportunities for quick cash in Southern California, I’m sure. Just make sure you don’t start sucking dick like he did. Or do, if that’s your thing. Godspeed my child, may the lord be with you.

  6. TempestTcup February 7, 2013 at 11:06 am #

    Get a job as bartender at a small neighborhood bar & you will get a little scratch, a ton of snatch & you can work the entire shift drunk off your ass. Plus, think of the stories!

  7. bodmon February 8, 2013 at 8:53 pm #

    i agree with your conclusion but it took a lot of male hamstering for you to get there

  8. Anonymous February 13, 2013 at 2:51 am #

    Yeah sour grapes (different anonymous)

  9. Anonymous April 6, 2013 at 5:44 am #



  1. Daily Linkage – February 25, 2013 | The Second Estate - February 25, 2013

    […] Unemployment Diary: Money | delicioustacos […]

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