Tag Archives: your mom

Site News: World Domination

12 Jul

world domination

In case you give a shit, this web site crossed half a million views today.  Per the above map, it has been viewed in basically every country that a) has a computer and b) doesn’t tie you up and hook a car battery to your nuts for looking at the internet.

This brings me happiness.  Thank you all for reading.  Especially you, Swaziland.  New Guinea– take a break from customizing your penis gourd and please take a look.

Now on to a sobering economic reality.  If I had been running ads on this site, assuming a CPM of 1– the most generous estimate possible for a site whose number one search term is “horse fucking–” I would have netted $500 before taxes. About 50 cents an hour.  I know this seems like a king’s ransom to some of you folks on the map, but to the rest of you: it is virtually impossible to make money with a “creative” blog and it’s only gonna get worse.  So if it’s your dream to make a living doing this, let me piss all over that for you.  Also, your mom did not actually send your dog to a farm where there are lots of other dogs and endless room to run around.  She killed him.  Probably shot him right in the face.  Then she stood over his twitching, tortured carcass and laughed thinking of your bitter tears.  Maybe she even shat in his wound, I don’t know.  Seems like the kind of thing your mom would do.

It won’t make you money, but it can get you laid.  Shocking amounts of laid with shockingly little effort, as long as you don’t count hundreds of hours coming up with hundreds of thousands of words as “effort.”  And as long as like five girls counts as “shocking amounts of laid.”  But it does for me– I mean, I write about stealing girl’s sweaty panties and sniffing them while I jerk it at the end of a coke binge.  Strange women email me saying “let’s fuck,” and I send them my address, and they show up nice and musky and they leave their salty chonies behind knowing I will be wearing them as a Bane mask that weekend.  I hadn’t expected that to happen once, much less several times.  The world is a darker, weirder place than you’ve been led to believe.

Anyway.  Onward and downward.  

Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

23 Mar

(If you like this shit, check out my book Hot Naked Tits.)

Right now, your mom is masturbating to a dirty book about a guy who duct tapes a young girl to a chair, blindfolds her, gags her, beats the shit out of her, then pulls a tampon out of her cooch and fucks her period pussy before spraying hot, salty jizz all over her face.  With his huge cock.  His huge, huge cock.  So huge that she is scared of it, your mom in character as this 21 year old girl. The girl whom she is pretending to be while she is flicking her middle-aged bean is younger than you.  She is younger than your younger sister.  She is a mere four years older than you were when your mom would have been horrified to find a pack of purloined Virginia Slims crumpled up in your Levis when she was doing your laundry.

Right now your mom is pretending to be a girl who literally just turned old enough to drink, who meets a notorious but reclusive billionaire “industrialist” who made huge sums of money in the way that women think “industrialists” make money, which is: they don’t know, so he just owns a bunch of factories where things are made by hand right here in the good old U S of A and a bunch of farms where man and beast alike are treated ethically and humanely.  When asked about his massive hoard of non-inherited money bootstrapped from nothing with the sweat of his brow the man, who is under thirty, speaks of how he “knows people” and the key is his forty thousand employees, all of whom he has hand-selected and pays what they’re worth and listens to their ideas and etc., even though his army of hot young blonde secretaries are terrified of him.  The girl had to interview him for the school paper when her cub journalist roommate got sick, and then he tracked her down and made the girl his fuckslave. Continue reading