Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

23 Mar

(If you like this shit, check out my book Hot Naked Tits.)

Right now, your mom is masturbating to a dirty book about a guy who duct tapes a young girl to a chair, blindfolds her, gags her, beats the shit out of her, then pulls a tampon out of her cooch and fucks her period pussy before spraying hot, salty jizz all over her face.  With his huge cock.  His huge, huge cock.  So huge that she is scared of it, your mom in character as this 21 year old girl. The girl whom she is pretending to be while she is flicking her middle-aged bean is younger than you.  She is younger than your younger sister.  She is a mere four years older than you were when your mom would have been horrified to find a pack of purloined Virginia Slims crumpled up in your Levis when she was doing your laundry.

Right now your mom is pretending to be a girl who literally just turned old enough to drink, who meets a notorious but reclusive billionaire “industrialist” who made huge sums of money in the way that women think “industrialists” make money, which is: they don’t know, so he just owns a bunch of factories where things are made by hand right here in the good old U S of A and a bunch of farms where man and beast alike are treated ethically and humanely.  When asked about his massive hoard of non-inherited money bootstrapped from nothing with the sweat of his brow the man, who is under thirty, speaks of how he “knows people” and the key is his forty thousand employees, all of whom he has hand-selected and pays what they’re worth and listens to their ideas and etc., even though his army of hot young blonde secretaries are terrified of him.  The girl had to interview him for the school paper when her cub journalist roommate got sick, and then he tracked her down and made the girl his fuckslave.

This is what your middle aged suburban mom likes to think about when she pulls her Rabbit™, which is a bright purple larger-than-average artificial penis with rotating pearl-like bearings along the shaft and a clitoral stimulator shaped like the eponymous animal—when your 55 year old presumably overweight mother who has not groomed her salt and pepper pubic area in several decades and has what appears to be the scalp of 1982 Jerry Garcia affixed to her crotch—when she pulls this machine out of the dishwasher after your father has passed out in front of Sportscenter, when she unbuttons the top few buttons of her generously cut Walmart® Faded Glory™ jeans and teases the top of her mons pubis slightly with the tip of her index finger, she is beginning to think about this steely-eyed, young, and virile master of the universe—of her hot, moist universe. She is thinking about being a lithe virginal 21 year old whose pussy tastes like butterscotch, having the back of her neck held in a Vulcan death grip and her face forced into a  pillow near to the point of suffocation while her wrists are duct taped behind her back with duct tape that this man– who looks exactly like Robert Pattinson, since the story originated as TWILIGHT fan fiction— this man purchased right in front of her, personally, at the hardware store where she had part time employment in her college town.  He made a special trip and carved time out of his billionaire’s day to travel to her small community and purchase the accoutrements of brutal sexual bondage at the quaint mom and pop Tru Value where she earns $7.50 an hour, so as to communicate in a menacing but alluring manner that this accidental substitute cub reporter for the college newspaper was his desired catamite.

So she is thinking about being quasi-forcibly penetrated with this man’s impossibly generous and perfectly complected cock, your mom.  A cock which is stretching her 21 year old butterscotch tasting pussy that even though said pussy has drunk deeply of this same member on a few prior occasions, this bone-white and rigid member is so impossibly huge that it still manages to push her open and stretch and sting. And yet somehow it miraculously fits, inside your mom.  Who had hoped to have a sort of luxurious drawn out teasing period with the tip of her index finger on her mons pubis and outer labia before going whole hog with the Rabbit™ but the thought of his hot breath on her neck as he leaned on her and pushed her gagged face into the mattress was just too hot and she just plunged the whirring churning rotating rabbit inside her right up to the hilt and came instantly like a volcano; she couldn’t help herself.  Your mom.

So in conclusion: five stars.

49 Responses to “Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James”

  1. Abaddon April 2, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    This was the best part:

    who made huge sums of money in the way that women think “industrialists” make money, which is: they don’t know, so he just owns a bunch of factories where things are made by hand right here in the good old U S of A and a bunch of farms where man and beast alike are treated ethically and humanely.

    And that he made it himself and all under 30. The author didn’t want to say ‘Internet billionaire because Zuckerberg is not exactly Alpha material.

    Hilarious analysis…still struggling to get the visual of a fat 55 year old woman taking care of her business…

    • Miss Minnie June 26, 2014 at 11:01 am #

      I see obese old people (sometimes old gay guys) reading this and pornographic “romance novels” on public transit all the time.

    • E. Gann February 12, 2015 at 6:28 pm #

      To be frank, the readers don’t really care how Christian Gray makes his money. All the author needs to do is make it sound plausible.

      When movies and TV shows depict hacking, etc. it’s often off-base, but it’s just written to sound plausible to people who know nothing about hacking

  2. JayKay April 3, 2012 at 2:16 pm #

    Just got an absolutely terrifying whiff of reality as it really is from reading that…

    Will never be the same again.

    Uh, thanks..?!

  3. collapseofman April 3, 2012 at 7:17 pm #


  4. wtf man April 3, 2012 at 8:43 pm #

    women actually enjoy reading this pile of convoluted shit?

  5. LBK April 4, 2012 at 1:43 am #

    Do 55 year old women still think about sex?

    • Steve February 16, 2013 at 11:51 am #

      dipshits I couldn’t stop luanhigg. I’m sure if you show pics of Foxy on here we wouldn’t say that. First thing I thought of with the picture is, Oh how cute. She’s so peaceful. Sasha

  6. delicioustacos April 4, 2012 at 2:48 pm #

    My favorite reaction so far:

    mirole wrote:

    ChristineAnneLibby: I am not going to argue about the merits of the book (that you have not even read) and its possible distructive impact on impressionable young girls.

    I only want to say that I opened the link you provided of a man’s ‘review’ of the book and I was traumatized. I assure you that the book is not nearly as graphic as the language in this piece. The fact that you condemn the book but thought nothing of posting this link speaks to your hypocrisy rather than high moral standards that you proclaim in your post.

    On behalf of all 50+ women, I am insulted by his description of this demographic. I am a 5’6″ size 6 woman wearing miniskirts when appropriate. There are women of all shapes and sizes but I don’t see how this is a basis for ugly attacks by that ‘man’ in the piece you posted the link to.

  7. Jenine@Handmade Jewelry Blog April 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    Ok, so I bought this book because it was on the top bestsellers list for so long. I wanted to see what all the “buzz” was about.

    This is not your typical boy meets girl let’s date and fall in love romance. Christian wants to dominate Anastasia and he wants her submissive. He comes up with a contract that he wants her to sign. She’s torn between her love for him and her fear of him.

  8. Ann May 9, 2012 at 10:33 pm #

    I laughed, I cringed, I think I’m having a heart attack. This review is like The Ring, I have to spread it along before I’m overcome with that image of “mom.”

    That’s so not right.

    • Jake June 24, 2012 at 1:15 am #

      That’s the best review of a review, ever.

      • Idaho February 17, 2013 at 12:37 am #

        HDMI is hardware setintg, nothingto deal with postProductionbest way to work with SMU is to have AVI uncompresssed FileSMU is not an Editing video Progam, is a Keying+Virtual sets (sold separately) Post production systemfinally, you can record anything in best way/quality you want, then have a simple and uncompressed avi files wich will be well handled by SMUof course, if you work in Hires, be sure to have a highlevel pc to make rendering in a timely manner

      • El Cid April 20, 2015 at 5:44 am #

        This man has a serious gift for writing, and humour and imagination to match – I agree.

  9. fostrickson May 30, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

    I can’t stop laughing. Great post!

  10. EMRN June 10, 2012 at 7:06 pm #

    Bitches be trippin.

  11. Anonymous June 17, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

    Please, stop saying “Your mom.”

    • Jim July 15, 2012 at 5:09 pm #

      No, seriously. Your mom.

      • Sneha February 16, 2013 at 5:19 pm #

        why does everyone autciatmoally jump to sex? our culture is so f*cked up lately that everything has to be related to sex otherwise something is weird/wrong. why can’t a guy and girl hang out and just have it be about friendship? why should you have to defend that friendship to people who can’t mind their own damn business?

    • Father O'Hara September 19, 2015 at 3:19 pm #

      My dick is itchy

  12. Anonymous July 24, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    great post – whoever wrote it should write their own book.

  13. Ru August 10, 2012 at 11:46 am #

    Oh god this is so horribly accurate even down to the vision of my dad passed out in front of the TV

  14. kotoula January 19, 2013 at 1:08 pm #

    OMG! This post actually made me LOL on a packed commuter train, I think heartiste linked me to it. Anyways my 13.5yo son kept asking me what 50 shades of gray was about, so after telling him it’s about sex, and that I couldn’t get thru the first chapter becaue of the vapid writing style I finally decided to let him read this review. He smiled and finished off with a big “ewwwwwwwwwwww that’s sooooooooooo disgustingggggggg OMG I can’t believe my grandma has read that ewwwwwwwwwww” lol and I’m killing myself laughing again. Yes my mother has read it ( age 67) and amost every single one of my female peers has read it (I’m 46). I’m not against a good sex book or porn, but this book and the sequels I’m sure, are just beyond pathetic. The fact that so many older women are reading them is so fucking hilarious!! My kid said ‘he made her his sex slave’? I told him she agreed to be his sex slave. Poor kid has no idea of the real nature of the ‘fairer’ sex, but don’t worry I’ll make sure he has at least a diploma in heartiste as soon as he can read for more than 5 minutes at a time. Anyways Delicious, I wanted to thank you for the laughs and for helping educate the younger generation lol!! Keep on blogging I love reading your blog!

  15. Cricri January 22, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    Women are truly disgusting and pervert creatures,aren’t they?

    • kotoula01 January 26, 2013 at 10:35 am #

      Women are scary sometimes. I watched this episode of ‘Brainwashed’ where this beautiful blonde petite mormon woman single mother with 3 gorgeous kids met up with this loser at a mormon dance. This loser managed to maker her ‘tingle’ when he was dancing with her, and managed to convince her he was the new prophet. This went on until he managed to convince her to give up her kids (presumably to her ex thankfully) sell her house (and put the money in losers bank account) and then sleep with other men for money. He convinced her to move to skid row in SLC (to save money) and by this time he ended up in jail so from prison he was still pulling her strings. She was finally at the end of her rope (must have been a long rope) and ready to kick this “prophet” to the curb when the loser got his jailhouse buddy to call her and tell her how he saw a halo over loser’s head while he was sleeping etc. so she was convinced all over again that he was indeed the prophet. I was just fscking stunned and so was my husband, that a beautiful, presumably religious or pious woman with 3 perfect children could be so convinced by her tingles to follow her ‘feelings’ about some random guy telling her he was the prophet that she would throw away her whole life and prostitue herself in the most disgusting and depraved way you could imagine…..her saving grace?? The jailhouse buddy of the prophet was released early and was told he could go visit this woman in her hotel room on skid row and have sex with her. He took the offer and after they had sex, he woke up and saw pics of her kids….he said he felt sick and decided to spill the beans about the whole story. He knew the prophet was a fraud, and he felt gulity for his part in the charade.

      Moral of the story for me was that men have better character and more loyalty than women.

      I felt ashamed to be a woman after seeing this show.

      So yes, women can be truly disgusting and perverted creatures…

      • Raichu February 12, 2015 at 10:58 pm #

        You’re fucking kidding me right?

        Please tell me you are. I honestly cannot tell. But one woman being naive and dumb does not make all 3.5 billion of us “scary” or stupid. And don’t pretend men never fall for women’s charms and do really dumb things because they want the pussy. That’s an entire literary archetype for fuck’s sake!

  16. Rosbifou February 9, 2013 at 7:45 am #

    This review is what brought me here. Great stuff – thank you!

  17. Brian Carter May 15, 2014 at 9:16 am #

    Any reader who liked 50 Shades will LOVE the new novel Starbucks Bitches. Its longer, has more depth, better characters, better romance, better sex, better everything. It is based in Dallas, Texas, and is coffee centric. Here is the description from the website

    Five very diverse women band together to form an unlikely, but unbreakable circle of friends, collaborating and scheming their way to better relationships and better lives. When one of them vanishes suspiciously, the others must work together to find her before she disappears forever.

    With a wide range of emotional and complicated relationships that span the highs (and lows) of life, Starbucks Bitches takes the reader on a wild ride that is deeply touching, thought provoking, and intensely romantic.

    One of the most erotically charged and overtly sexual novels of the century, Starbucks Bitches is an unprecedented adventure in love, lust, and unconditional friendship.

    • Yuli Ban November 20, 2014 at 11:32 am #

      I don’t think you’re understanding the situation here. Anyone who liked 50 Shades will NOT LOVE Starbucks Bitches *because* it has more depth, better characters, better romance, better sex, and better everything. 50 Shades is popular precisely because it’s nothing more than a shallow BDSM post-Twilight fanfiction.

    • Raichu February 12, 2015 at 10:59 pm #

      I’m confused. That actually sounds interesting.

      50SoG does not sound interesting.

  18. stormscriptures August 29, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

    I gave this review 10 points until he admitted giving this shitty piece of writing maximum honors.

  19. mysticalmaiaariel November 2, 2014 at 9:26 am #

    Really funny!
    Saw your Okc before, that was too funny!! The CDs and dildo boys mostly seem to like me though I have no idea why..
    I never had any desire to read 50 shades and now I have even less. Thanks, I didn’t want to spend the money and the book sounds daft. Okc messages are much more perverted and well amusing, I’m sure. Good you got out tho.

  20. Joshua February 13, 2015 at 3:30 am #

    My friend you must become a writer !!

  21. Anonymous February 13, 2015 at 12:56 pm #

    Oh, to see the Google analytics on “Rabbit” and TruValue after this blog was freshly pressed. Well done.

  22. TuffLuv February 16, 2016 at 10:18 am #

    Ugh.. couldn’t you have used “wife” instead of “mom”.

  23. Anonymous May 12, 2016 at 9:10 am #

    Is 36 middle-aged? Because I totally masturbated to this book. And the movie. Also, I’m someone’s mother. And I own a Rabbit. But, I found this post very funny. Even though it made me a little depressed. You’re an excellent writer, delicioustacos.

  24. Adrian May 20, 2018 at 1:20 pm #

    It’s amazing to pay a quick visit this website and reading the
    views of all mates on the topic of this paragraph, while I am also zealous of getting


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