Goodbye OKCupid

27 May

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They banned me from OKCupid. I’d say who knows why but you know it was some fat bluehair with a hard on for right wing future van murderers. Their appeal policy is: fuck off. So it’s gone.

I know, it’s no loss. It sucked already. Once they came out with hey look pictures it was doomed. But OKCupid was a market ineffeciency. Nice house in a nice neighborhood an ordinary family could afford. You could get women writing words. A niche. But tech gets better. Money gets involved. Every house on the block bought by GuangFei Light Industrial Technologies or Berkshire fuckin Hathaway. Family trust of New York Times newlyweds Matilda Wong-Rubinstein and Chet von Crackington III. You want a house, you better inherit money. You want ass, you better inherit face. Height frame don’t matter. I’m six one and ripped. Girls just see the met gala photo of Sarah Jessica Parker.

So goes the postliterate era. Even me, I was going to read a book this morning. But someone on Twitter had a thread of early 2000’s animal videos and flash animations. I watched until they grew tumors in my eyeballs. Turned important parts of my parietal lobes into sacs of necrotic fat. Reading words makes people sick. This makes sense, if you see the universe as a cunning simulation invented by God to torture me. What if we gave him some ability in an art form. Made him like doing it. So much that he considered it his purpose. Give him bare minimum positive feedback. Just enough that he keeps on. Spends the time and energy he might have dedicated to career, family etc. And oh yeah he’ll get girls from it. The angels are laughing and God has to keep saying dude, I’m serious.

We’ll make this art form something hard but hard to fail at too. That’s key. Writing is not a young man’s game. He can think this at 42 as a bench press he once cleared easily has to be lifted off his neck by the roided out gay wrestling fetish porn star with the treble from the Kylie Minogue remix coming out his AirPods. Hair turns white and his tailored ads are men with plasticine cinder block heads jogging masculinely for Botox. Jogging not lifting. Men who spear gay poison into their face focus on cardio. The point isn’t for him to buy Botox. It’s to know he’s old and unmanly enough that some all-knowing algorithm thinks he might want it. He should be getting ads for schools. Writing is not a young man’s game. I’m getting better. And he will– this is important. We get to the point where 50% of the stuff he can read and say: not bad. I’m not embarrassed by this.

And one of the angels sees what’s coming. And then you take the whol–

Dude don’t step on my punchline. You can’t fail because there’s no measure of success. Most people don’t make money at it. There’s no cutoff point. It’s not the NBA. There’s just increments. He’s three years older than when Elementary Particles came out. But still, Post Office was when the guy was fifty. Still time. We stretch it out, streeetch it out and then– WHEN HE THINKS HE HAS SOMETHING GOOD–

We make it so nobody fucking reads–

Exactly. I’m telling you, this is my best work.

Whadya think he’ll do?

Don’t know. But we’ll put a bunch of mass murder suicides by ugly dorks out there too. We gotta cut that option out. He’ll feel like he’s stealing someone’s idea.

Love it–

We’ll make him like birds too and then put a fucking loud bird outside his window at 4:30 every fucking morning so he’s tormented by the only thing he loves.

You’re a genius, boss.

Et cetera. Now before you post that comment saying “you suck,” “stop whining,” etc., I want you to take a minute to slice your carotids with a box cutter.

They banned me from OKCupid. I met Emily on OKCupid. Was with her three years and still love her enough that I have dreams about her dying. She was supposed to be a one night stand. I met Nikol on OKCupid. I stayed with her son while she had cancer surgery that almost killed her. They sliced a carotid trying to cut one of her sixteen tumors out. I was supposed to pull the plug. Take care of her kids. Supposed to be a one night stand.

I met Gertrude on OKCupid. Fell in love with her. Cried when she left. Supposed to be a one night stand. I met Agnes on OKCupid who is the girl in this, this, this and this and left work to drive me to the emergency room for my unexpected asshole surgery. Held my hand when they told me I might have my entire shitpipe cut out and a colostomy bag stapled on me. I met Katie on OKCupid who I adopted Bud with, camped on the beach with in Malibu sleeping on a cliff with the waves hissing. Ashley– demeaning to describe a person this way but god damn baby your gigantic ass. If I had her now I’d keep her. I broke her heart. She was 23 and I was 32 and I thought that was scandalous back then. Olivia who used to write sad articles about me on “The Frisky.” Dakota who wrote for Buzzfeed, Rachel who wrote for TMZ. I wish I’d known I was gonna sell books one day. Want to be famous. You can’t get a girl with a platform anymore. Now they make social justice native advertising. They only date black guys.

I wrote for OKCupid. OKCupid used to have a “journal” feature. Like a blog except people read it. I’d post and get dates from it. Wanting girls made me write. My OKCupid name was Delicious Tacos and one day I thought: I should start a new site. Actually post on it. What will I call it.

I got internet famous from OKCupid. Wrote profiles and profile advice and canned messages that were sent millions of times. That people I knew would get. That people, many people, sent and got in relationships and got married. I didn’t.

I slept with a hundred women though. I got millions of page views. I became the foremost OKCupid expert on Earth. Did not capitalize on it to sell services to rich scumbags, much. Used to be you could meet people and fall in love using words. Now the whole world’s a dumb ad. Now I’m old and people are retarded. I also got banned from Seeking Arrangement. Promoting sex trafficking. I’m innocent. They kept my money.

12 Responses to “Goodbye OKCupid”

  1. Anonymous May 27, 2018 at 3:37 pm #

    The ripples spread ever outward.

    Reminds me what it’s like to feel.

  2. Sleetie May 28, 2018 at 10:42 am #

    I’m sure you don’t need anyone to tell you this, but keep at it. Finally, Some Good News is solid and has undercurrents that might just make it the next big thing. Or not, but it’s definitely worth a try. It reminds me of Hugh Howey’s stuff, only with more balls. Plus, if God gave you your sense of humor, he sure must have some Himself…

  3. pancakemouse May 28, 2018 at 10:52 pm #

    Was just about to recommend Seeking Arrangement when that fourth-to-last sentence hit.

    Fuck.

  4. Small May 29, 2018 at 1:29 pm #

    Sorry to hear that, DT.

    I believe the powers that be are starting to think it’s a good idea to restrict online sex and dating marketplaces, and it’s not about trafficking.

    It has nothing to do with anything here, but a couple of years back OkC slipped in about a dozen questions about patriotism. They literally asked if I would date a patriot, if I loved America, and so on. I haven’t really fucked with it much since then. I’ve been a member since it was all about comparing quiz results with other total weirdos, but it’s Facebook for Fucking now anyway. A social network for overactive vegans.

  5. Max Foley May 30, 2018 at 5:26 am #

    Fuck OkC – this is some of your finest fucking work and made me realize how long I’ve been following. Your shit is gritty and honest and hits too close to home. Keep at it.

  6. Anony-fucking-mous May 30, 2018 at 10:12 am #

    If a site were to pop up that mirrored old school OKC it would probably do pretty well. OKC has tinderized too much of the user experience and moved to tailor a mobile experience that is separate and different from the PC experience to the point where those on the app, or using the mobile site don’t see or have as many options as those from the computer.

    A dating site where you could use your words to attract women would be a welcome change, and I don’t know how big that market is, but with the dearth of options, I’d like to believe that such a site could do well. OKC now feels like a shell of it’s previous self, and I feel like I’m just going through the motions… Like that but you wrote about the Klingons who forgot to enjoy fighting and had to be reminded. Except there is no reincarnated war Lord of the past to remind me to smile. Just stale women trying to get a free meal and taste of momentary dominance before they move on. Their mothers all had smooth foreheads.

  7. Anonymous May 30, 2018 at 5:50 pm #

    Goddamn I forgot about OKC
    You really and truly were the absolute best at OkCupid openers IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
    Formidable.
    So what, you’ve evolved, the book is not going to be apprestiated until 20 years after your dead (highest honors) and I still wait like a kid on Christmas for your stories.. like the way I used to wait on Surfer Magazine to come in the mail when I was married and that was the closest to freedom I could get.. that’s how I wait on you,man.
    Still sober exactly one less Day than you, and I still gotta say: Goddamn, Please Never Stop Writing

  8. The Empty Subject May 31, 2018 at 2:42 am #

    Vintage Tacos, right here

  9. B rob (@TheCityBachelor) May 31, 2018 at 3:38 am #

    VPN, different pics, and a burner email work wonders

  10. Anony-fucking-mous June 9, 2018 at 3:42 pm #

    Now that you’ve been kicked out of OkCupid, you can prepare for the next step in your life.

    https://www.ourtime.com

  11. Michael Lopez June 12, 2018 at 11:39 pm #

    I started a new account on OKC recently and messaged a girl. It has a notice that says something like, “Before you comment, make sure this isn’t copy and pasted.”

    I’m thinking why bother coming up with an original message that most likely won’t get a response?

  12. Game over, hairballed to the gag. June 15, 2018 at 9:03 pm #

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