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Relax–

9 Feb

sweet alien savage

it doesn’t matter if your book sells today or everyou fucking did your best. It’s all you can do. If it sucks, if it fails you got up there. You got in the ring. If a huge guy threw right cross left hook combinations into you repeatedly doing severe permanent cosmetic and brain damage and had a much better physique because he’s black and everyone, millions and millions of people laughed at your backfat on TV… if you fell over backwards, hit your head hard, again, the ref pulled off your pants and put peanut butter on your dick and a dog started licking it and this image went viral… and it was cold so your dick looked small too it doesn’t matter. You took your shot. You’re a well not quite a champion. A champion would be the guy who won. Whose book outsold Sweet Alien Savage: Zerconian Sex Warriors Book 4 in its Amazon category… but you’re a guy... a guy who stood in a ring, and took his shot, and failed, publicly, and you suck and everyone hates you, and you’re ugly. Thank God I get laid.

Good Job, Satan

9 Jan

Why was my deadbolt locked this morning. Was someone in the house sprinkling poison on my lips. Designed to make me crazy. Shrink my penis. Lower my IQ. Delete my Tinder matches. Erase my Microsoft Word documents– good, all garbage. Good job, Satan. Contaminate my foods with BPAs. I don’t even know what BPAs are. Get on Facebook and send my embarrassing resumé to all my high school friends who thought I was dead. Telling them I’m alive, just a loser.

The Movie

4 Jan

So the blinds fully protect me from seeing what’s going on outside my apartment. But provide a clear, perhaps even an enhanced view of everything going on inside to anyone standing outside. Enhanced because that one visible strip is fully lit. Draws the eye even from a distance of a few feet, exactly where she was standing. The strip with my computer showing pornography and the back of my head and my arm, clearly jerking off. Her out in the blackness and me inside jerking it; the monitor looks like the bright screen of a drive in as you pass by on the dark freeway. Every inch of the image unmistakable. If you stopped on the side of the road you could easily watch the entire movie, of me jerking off to disgusting porn.

Diary: Taking a Shit Reading Karl Ove Knausgaard

19 Dec
Karl Ove Knausgard

Michael McDonald

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new book Finally, Some Good News. There is no point to this now. If you were gonna buy it you’ve bought it. If you’re not gonna buy it, fucking suck my dick. Seriously I hope you get hit by a truck–

(2014)

Not feeling like writing that story this morning. Took a shit reading Karl Ove Knausgaard. I want to write long streams of consciousness punctuated by Milan Kundera style philosophical sentences. Life goes by faster and faster because the meaning is drained from it. But all I can think about is pussy. Continue reading

The Clean White Socks

15 Dec
park girl

Image: Washington Post

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new book Finally, Some Good News.

(2013) Continue reading

Detergent Diary

15 Dec
aufeminin

aufeminin.com

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new book Finally, Some Good News.

Sunday

Well what the fuck. Have to go into work today. That’s bad. The good news is I don’t have a punctured tire. PSI is about 27-28 on all 4 of them. So my tire pressure light only came on as all four tires had experienced natural leakage. Probably having to do with the rain. Perhaps the cold. So: just put 3 more PSI in each tire. Which I’ll do but fuck doing it now. Also repair the fish tank so I can fill it past the point where the water sounds like a full gamelon orchestra performing a concert on the back of my neck. Also rewash the dishes that I paid 61 dollars to have a maid wash. Which naturally whatshertits left about a gallon of detergent on each one. Despite my rinsing the coffee cup three times and letting it stand full of hot water for several seconds– in spite of this I got a nice throatful of caustic cancer causing detergent that will make my penis fall off. Continue reading

Diary: The Bloody Eyeball

5 Dec

aaa holmes

Yesterday I woke up. Brewed my coffee. Put my milk in my cereal and in my coffee cup while I smoked a cigarette so the cereal would get soft. Smoked my cigarette. Came in. Ate the cereal. Drank the coffee. Took a shit. I was reading the collected works of Ted Kaczynski, which are all true. He’s right about everything. I chewed nicotine gum. Finished my shit. Put some toothpaste on my toothbrush and looked in the mirror to brush my teeth and my eyeball had exploded. Continue reading