The Old Man Chair

31 Dec

2021 sucked ass. You can tell because I was productive. Doubled my net worth. Huge progress on the new book. It’s the worst thing I’ve done. Got no pussy. Helped others. Improved important life skills. I did things that men on Twitter who fell ass backwards into money tell you to. Vitamin D, invested, all that shit. God damn did it suck.

Well the Muay Thai was fun. But my shins still hurt from sparring 10 days ago. Throwing lots of hands so eating leg kicks. And you take a few days off for the pain. So when you get back kicking that 150 pound bag you really go nuts on it. Give yourself more Chris Weidman cracks in your shinbone. I have to sleep with my lead leg calf hanging off the mattress. If the blanket touches it it’s like a hot poker deep in the muscle. And it’s not healing. Rub it. Stretch it. Work out on it. Don’t work out on it. It’s just fucked. I’m old. Eat protein or don’t. Walk around on it. Lay with the heat blasting watching Netflix Presents: The Witcher. Doesn’t matter.

Maybe my calf will never heal. So used to having things painfully wrong with my dick, nuts and ass that my legs being fucked is a relief. I got bumped up like 3 job titles. Can’t spend money fast enough. Dump it into Vanguard funds like I used to envy other people doing. My car payment’s covered by dividends. New computer paid for by people reading old shit on Substack that I’ve posted five other places. I donated to the animal shelter. They sent me a card saying it covered heart surgery for a kitten named Morty. It made me feel good. You’re gonna make it, Morty.

My big toes are always fucked up from catching the bones in a guy’s forearm. I got teeped in the dick and nuts. The teep is a Muay Thai front kick where the guy curls his toes back and thrusts the ball of his foot into you with his hips. This happened to my dick. I bought a cup to prevent it in the future, at Big 5. They didn’t have any on the shelves. Had to ask the alluringly thick Latinx community college student to go in the stockroom. She had to think about my penis and testicles.

She brought out two options. Two sets of athletic cups and nylon compression underwear that goes with them. The more expensive one gets a lot of returns, she said. So maybe the cheaper one’s better. And I said: wait you let people return these?

They do. People try on nylon underwear and a cup that hugs your dick and nuts. They try some sporting endeavor. Find it not to their liking. They bring the $12.99 genital casing back to the store. And the store takes it back. They spray it with that shit they use for shoes at the bowling alley. They sell it again.

The cup’s built for a man with 9 inches soft and chick pea size nuts. I have the opposite of this. If I wore this to Muay Thai my nuts would squeak out. I’d get teeped, the edge would slice them right off. I can’t use it. But I’m not returning it for the $12.99. I’m rich.

Small dick huge nuts. I’ve been going to the Korean spa. The jimjilbang. Dudes of various nationalities walk around naked. Everyone but me and the Koreans has dick to the floor. I’m built like Greek statue in every respect.

I was at the jimjilbang with a girl. She’s a lit scene person. I met up with her for some literary reason. People do readings. They promote each other’s books. They have magazines and all this other shit that’s alien to me. But it seems like they get pussy from it. So I’m gonna start doing it.

Went to the spa with her and she wouldn’t let me make out in the Jade Sauna. But she was flirtatious, laying around the public area. Huge tits flopping in her yellow spa issue T shirt. The will she won’t she was hot but it stressed me out too. Felt like it was past my bedtime.

We split up to go to the sex segregated baths. I sat in steam rooms and hot tubs. Looking at multiethnic cock twice the size of mine. There’s a men’s lounge which is a gym size room full of big leather La-Z Boys. Big TV playing sports and white haired Korean men reading the newspaper.

I sat down in one of the chairs. Cranked it back to full recline. The TV played the women’s Finnish biathlon. That sport where you cross country ski with a rifle on your back to shoot targets. And it was so nice. I just dissolved into that chair and vanished. I no longer exist.

9 Responses to “The Old Man Chair”

  1. Creatively-Bankrupt-Anonymous December 31, 2021 at 8:30 pm #

    Merry New Years!

  2. Anonymous January 1, 2022 at 10:09 am #

    As far as I can tell, you are obsessed with 3 things:

    1) Dick size
    2) What a loser you are
    3) Race

    You fit right in with your core QAnon audience of readers. You are hopeless.

    • QAnonymous January 1, 2022 at 5:32 pm #

      [Q] predicted that someone would say that.
      Trust the [Plan].
      Buy the [Book].

  3. More LINK More PINK January 5, 2022 at 2:39 pm #

    if you’re manually walking in and buying a potentially used cup at Big 5 for just $12.99, you are *not* rich…every time i’ve walked into a Big 5 I have felt intense despair. each location is just a disgusting, dimly-lit room with products stacked everywhere. not cozy at all. your ancestors didn’t survive centuries of turmoil just so you could waste a single second inside a musty, stale Big 5…good god, man…REI or bust.

    • Debtors Anonymous January 16, 2022 at 11:15 am #

      Shut the FR*CK up

  4. B January 6, 2022 at 1:16 pm #

    Howdy DT. Back in the good ole days of OkCupid (2010? Shrug…) I messaged this gal with not-one-of-your-canned dealios. 98% or 99% match at the time, and still one of my favorite profiles. Married the other eventual favorite profile 2 years ago and just knocked her up after being off BC for a week. She’s a fan, btw. Naturally.

    In any case, back in 2010ish I got a very gratifying response of “You don’t suck, but I’m not currently not looking to put a man’s penis in me”…which was fair, because it was a long distance shot in the dark. Perhaps you’re familiar with her as a fellow D-list internet celeb.

    Anyway, you should take her “Date Me” survey. Alas, no sideways vegene.

    Or if that doesn’t work, you can spend some of that dividend cash on her high-end hookerin’.

    How about it

  5. Catxman January 13, 2022 at 7:36 pm #

    You’re not doing that bad.

  6. Anonyfuckingmous January 18, 2022 at 2:54 pm #

    Money is the consolation prize of industrial society after it robbed you of a family and a homestead.

    It’s not so bad

  7. Corporate Clarke May 20, 2022 at 2:11 pm #

    Read this about 10 times since you posted it. Probably my favourite of your stories.

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