The Phone

17 Apr

Taking the phone back was like taking a dog back to the shelter. The iPhone13 Pro. 512GB, in Sierra Blue. 120 hertz ProMotion display. Stainless steel side trim. The blue was so tasteful. It was the Antarctic Blue Clark W. Griswold wanted on his Super Sports Wagon. I had money and decided to get the best one they made. The battery didn’t dip no matter what you did. You can leave it playing Preston Jacobs videos all night. The animations imperceptibly smooth. Curved polished steel bright and warm.

But it was big. Too heavy. It pulled your pants down in your pocket. Menaced your hipbones in bed. When you put your clip-on birdwatching zoom lens on it the three cameras spaz out and switch around like they’re trying to shake it off.

Taking it back, sitting across from Walter at the Verizon store, who I need to remember to leave five stars for- I asked him. What will happen to the phone.

Someone will get it, right?

Will it go to a good home and be loved, I was thinking. But you can’t say that. We can’t sell it as new, he said. It will go into a program with our insurance provider, Asurion. It’ll be sent to someone as a replacement if they break their phone.

The phone doesn’t get to have that experience again. Being pulled crisp from the box. The sticker peeled off. Held gingerly like you hold a $1400 glass object. A Jony Ives Fabergé egg. Delicate, perfectly new and clean. Marveled at. Then when I turned it on I was frustrated it was slow. While it seamlessly re-downloaded my apps and my million dumb videos. Screen shots of ZeroHedge saying “assets” that I cropped to say “ass.” I hated the phone.

And then I came to love it. I devirginized the phone and hated it, and threw it away. And it won’t get to be a marvel to whoever gets it next. It’ll be the same old phone. But then they’ll be relieved to have it in their hands.

I don’t want the phone to be lonely waiting in a box. Waiting for some other phone to break. Waiting for something that was loved to fail.

18 Responses to “The Phone”

  1. dillwax April 17, 2022 at 11:16 am #

    She’s a beaut, Clark.

  2. Fan-of-Taiwanon April 17, 2022 at 11:24 am #

    Just my opinion, but I think Tacos would be happy with a nice Taiwanese woman, around age 18-22. They have silky black hair and creamy-white skin that can also get lightly tanned to a golden tone. Every Taiwanese woman I’ve met has been pleasant, but I have yet to bang one. They seem to be the smartest, most America-friendly, compared to the other asians. Maybe it will be easier to marry one given the potential war situation, like how it’s supposedly easier to meet a Ukrainian woman now that they are fleeing their country. Opportunity, baby.

    • Justburself :) May 6, 2022 at 7:04 pm #

      Asian women only look hot to me when i’m very horny, and when they’re wearing skintight club dresses. On a day-to-day basis they look like Shrek. here’s a taiwanese-american roastie, look at her friends also:

  3. Johnson's Johnson April 17, 2022 at 8:08 pm #

    This blog should be like those strange alien-like radiation warnings in the Utah desert. Where they did some testing or buried some nuclear waste.

    IF YOU LIVE IN LA AND BECOME A DESK SLAVE THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.

    Standing there like some ancient monolith, sand blowing around it. Your cock will be a dried out husk, your life story meaningless, your legacy a bunch of words about an iPhone.

    Don’t be this guy. Go out, take chances. Be broke. Do it the hard way. Don’t move to LA, don’t be a desk monkey for some dude’s personal wealth machine.

    • Former desk monkey for some dude’s personal wealth machine April 17, 2022 at 11:03 pm #

      can confirm, it feels like a wasted life, even if you “relax” and “have fun” on the weekends. i want to rope when i remember moments from that past life. office jobs are only for specific types of people. maybe DT is one of those. at least he gets to do Tarzan shit like slide down waterfalls when he’s on vacation in some exotic land. can’t really do that if you’re broke.

      • Anony-fucking-mous April 23, 2022 at 9:20 am #

        The System rewards those who remain compliant and “bluepilled”. If you can hold down a job you can afford yearly vacations on top of rent/mortgage, car payments, weekend frivolity, dates, etc. But if you marry the wrong woman she blows it all up or just makes your life a living hell through unnecessary drama. And that’s not even mentioning stress from family members and friends who may need your financial assistance, or just bitch at you for no reason. A man’s life is best when he lives in solitary conditions. If you don’t believe me, go look up what happened to “Jaimie Mantzel”.

    • Lou Booga April 27, 2022 at 2:45 pm #

      Pretty sure this one was self-aware and whimsical. A sign of the times, but perhaps just that I had a bicycle at age 12 that I couldn’t stop looking at (before Mexicans stole it).

      It’s not just LA, it’s anywhere that’s been carpet bombed by Hollywood. Tradition is designed to guide family formation. Take away that structure, and women are unmarriageable by 16, and men wouldn’t know what to do with a unicorn if they could afford one.

      So then again, anyone aware, who continues to support leftism, is consciously supporting evil.

      *Sad that “unmarriageable” is automatically underlined in red as I type, when it is #1 or 2 issue of our time.

  4. Cheyenne Matthews April 18, 2022 at 7:40 am #

    Damn.

  5. Trans-anonymous April 28, 2022 at 8:39 am #

    wait a minute…this article wasn’t about an iPhone…it was about PUSSY!

  6. OOOOH I GOTTA BOOOST IM BOOSTIN' May 2, 2022 at 7:10 pm #

    hey Tacos, kind of a personal question, but here it goes: have you gotten your Booster yet? LMFAO

    • SCROTUS Leak May 3, 2022 at 10:46 am #

      Shut the FUCK up, antivaxxcel.
      We VaxxChads will inherit the Earth.
      You vill breath in ze excess spike proteins that our bodies produce.
      You vill live in the quarantine pods while we enjoy unlimited travel and freedom.
      You vill be treated like second class citizens.
      Unt…you vill not be Happy.

  7. Peter May 10, 2022 at 10:56 am #

    How was the Pussy in London, did it have a light fragrance of fine Earl Grey? Did a diverse bloke from Pakistan try to knife you? Was the Queen as regal in person as she looks in photos? I await your answers.

  8. Antibody-Dependent Enhancement ADE May 15, 2022 at 6:34 pm #

    Tacos, heard you’ve got VAIDs. Found you a good kino to enjoy whilst you recover: Gaughin: Voyage to Tahiti (2017). Vincent Cassel. It’s about that painter who moved to tahiti. I haven’t seen it yet but it looks well-made based on the trailer alone. Enjoy.

  9. Nick Geerz (Yes, I am Dutch) May 18, 2022 at 11:44 pm #

    As a longtime follower of DT, I followed his example of ending sentences with “baby” and never using a question mark. Since then, I have gotten so much Pussy on tinder and hinge, I am drowning in wet snatch. It has gotten to the point where I’ve gotten sick of Pussy and started banging the much more exotic boipucci, also known as bussy. Now I have gotten monkeypox. It is itchy and uncomfortable. But I think I will survive. #WAGMI

  10. Anonymous May 22, 2022 at 3:41 pm #

    Moping about your iPhone. Who cares.

    You’re such a fag sometimes.

  11. FromSimp2Pimp May 23, 2022 at 1:07 am #

    I think DT is an inspiring figure not in the sense that we should become like him, but in the sense that he is a tragic hero.

  12. Anonymous June 27, 2022 at 3:13 pm #

    I recently got the same Sierra Blue iPhone 13 Pro, and I’ve pornographically detailed it’s technical specifications and physical characteristics in much the same way you have. If somebody tried to take it away from me I would kill them. However, just a few short weeks ago I felt the same way about my white iPhone 11. Now I wonder where it lies, who it waits for, my companion for three years likely in the hands of another- much poorer- man who just couldn’t possibly love it the way I did because it was mine first. I can only hope they’re both happy.

  13. Compaq Deskpro June 28, 2022 at 3:40 pm #

    I have an iPhone XR, which was a bizarre naming scheme, but its basically a 10S from 2018. It is the second last iPhone to have a Japan made LCD screen and not an oversaturated battery sucking burn in prone Samsung panel, or worse, BOE. The battery life is incredible, it lasts 3 days, and I often find it dead on day number 3 because I lose the habit after not doing it for two days. Prices started at $650 for a base model, but I sprung for 256 GB so I can fill up more than half of it with my music library. It shipped with iOS 12, I upgraded it to 13, things were good. Then Covid kicked off, and the Apple and Google announced they were cooperating on anonymous health data sharing under the guise of contact tracing. NOPE. Still running iOS 13.4, still feels like the lightning fast phone I bought. My bank accounts upgraded to an obnoxious new app requring 14 and later with onerous two factor authentication, now I don’t look at accounts until I’m at my desk. Only apps that I use that don’t work. Recently the battery life dipped down to more like 1.5-2 days, so I got a battery for $12, cracked it open for the first time. Back to 3 days. They throw up an annoying non-genuine battery message, but they give after 2 weeks. Your phone was perfect, but it wasn’t perfect for you. Mine is perfect because it is perfect for me. I am married to my iPhone. If there is a reason for me to upgrade, like if Google cuts off Docs or something, then I’ll go to a 13 and demote this to an iPod. I’m looking at the shelf to my left, I have the iPhone 5 I bought when I was 18, and the 5C I owned a few years after that, preserved in cases and screen protectors, all new batteries in their lifetime. Maybe I should plug them back in.

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