Ooga Booga

30 Nov

Overheard in the Chinese Restaurant

I don’t know if you speak English. I don’t speak Chinese, OK. A week ago I came in here and I ordered the medium shrimp. It comes with ten shrimps. I looked in the box and counted seven shrimps. But there was a man working here, I don’t know if he’s here now- OK do you speak English. I’m sorry but I don’t speak Chinese. He told me the other three shrimps were at the bottom. I got home and I looked through the entire thing. The other three shrimps were not there. You owe me three shrimps. No, it was not that size. It was the medium. The medium comes with ten shrimps. I’m here to get the three shrimps that you owe me please. Do you understand me? I apologize but I have to speak to you in English. I don’t know if you speak English. I don’t speak Chinese.


Not the Curse

In the morning I look in the mirror and learn I’m ugly. It’s news every time.

I was gonna call this “The Curse.” But I’m saving that for a story idea. A woodsman’s daughter marries a handsome prince. He’s cursed to leave her by day. Only return at night. One morning she follows him. Sees him stripped. Transmogrified into a mule. Whipped while he hauls rocks. Or he’s harangued by demons or something. She demands to get cursed too.

Anyway. The curse isn’t pushing the rock up the hill. It’s never getting used to it. Sisyphus never acclimating. Surprised when it rolls back down. Or knowing but still feeling it. Prometheus seeing the eagle alight. Knows what’s coming. But can’t accept it ripping into his guts.

And yet if I looked in the mirror. Saw I was handsome. If the eagle landed and just started preening–you’d think something even worse was coming. You’d beg to just have your liver ripped out.

And a blessing is never getting used to what’s beautiful. Watching a finch land outside my window. Surprised every time.


Ooga Booga

Committed to another program. Sex and Love Addicts. I don’t want to stop fucking. AA sponsor made me do it. Liliana my therapist, who costs me ten thousand dollars a year- I bought this woman a horse- her too. Conspiring against me. To rob me of my chance to marry. Have children. My chance to have sex with my ex Ms. Xochitl Y. Sanchez from Yucaipa. She’s part native American. Large breasts. She puts lavender on her pussy. She’s a talented writer. Fairly smart working class woman. Large breasts. She has large beautiful breasts is what I’m saying. They’re sensitive, if you rub them she gets hot– she has a nice voice. I like her, is what I’m saying. It’s meant for us to be together. God meant it. Satan works through the 12 steps to rob me of my birthright to breed with this woman. That’s what’s happening.

I’m powerless over women. My life is unmanageable. Can a higher power can restore me to sanity. God won’t help me. I can’t be saved. God’s purpose is to torture me. He created the universe so there’d be women to bother me. And He could sit up on a cloud and laugh. This is not blasphemy, it’s just the process. Work the steps in order. I’m powerless over women. My life is unmanageable. All women should be launched in to the sun.

These days zero hoes is a great amount. I relax with the cat. My buddy talked me into buying a TV. A Sony A90 Bravia. It’s the finest TV ever made. Kingdom Come: Deliverance feels like entering a living medieval tapestry. I got a sound bar and subwoofer. I watch House of the Dragon. Can’t hear the dialogue over booming storms and waves, the low murmur of the torches. Who cares what they say, it’s fucking General Hospital.

SLAA. They have a thing called a dating plan. It tells you how to meet your wife. Keeps you from falling for BPD vampires. That’s what I want. Although every other guy’s f*gg*t ass  plan I’ve seen is: don’t hold hands until the tenth date. As if this ever worked. Fuck instantly or she’ll never like you. Sumerian women, cave women blew you off if you didn’t lay pipe on the first date.

I want a nice wife. I want to treat her well. I want to go the the Philippines. Procreate with a traditional monkey woman who wipes the baby’s ass for me. While I scooter to the next town. Impregnate them there too. Three families at least. Raise them on the beach with the coconuts and no pressure. My kids will not stress over SATs. My kids will not try for Harvard. My kids will be the Nazi supermen of chanting dancing jungle primitives who pull sustenance easily from the ocean and the trees and wear grass skirts and sing ooga booga.

10 Responses to “Ooga Booga”

  1. Anonymous December 5, 2022 at 4:37 pm #

    Take the meds

  2. Cucker Tarlson December 5, 2022 at 10:47 pm #

    I mean, I’ve done it and am doing it and it’s not the difficult thing you pedestalize it to be (impregnating and family-making with multiple women, no Western-style child support involved, propagating my white genes into incredible soft-skinned big-boobed big-brained Asian women). Why, bro? Why do you fetishize self-deprecation? It’s not cool man.

    • Cucker Tarlson December 5, 2022 at 10:57 pm #

      Also one black baby mama. I will grant you this: none of my mamas are white. White women are lost; they are irredeemably mindfucked. I do not say that with anything but sadness.

      • Mumbai Playboy 54 December 11, 2022 at 8:39 am #

        Kind sir please do raise your half-black baby to be as based and cool as the Tate brothers, if he is indeed male, and if the baby is female, please do raise her to be as beautiful and gorgeous as Brittany Venti. Thank you for race-mixing and producing more humans with superior white genes, you are doing the work of Vishnu. As for the white womens yes I agree, simply let me and my village take care of those pesky mindfucked dolls. I will nurse them back to sanity with my Lassi.

      • Cucker Tarlson December 18, 2022 at 8:52 pm #

        White women don’t much truck with Desi men. It’s because of the unnerving blend of neuroticism and arrogance, combined with puerile sexual orientation. Actually, same for Asian women. And black women. Indian dudes are like superjoos with dark skin and unusual odors. Even Arabs got them beat by miles.

        You’ll do fine, though. Mum and dad will set you up with a nice cousin from your family’s hometown. After she gets her two kids you barely interact with, she’ll stop letting you touch her and you can go back to fapping to white women on Pornhub via VPN.

    • Barbarroja January 2, 2023 at 3:26 pm #

      How do you do it?

  3. Cleetus December 9, 2022 at 8:09 pm #

    Tagalog is an extremely annoying language, but then again, so are all the other asian and s.e. asian languages. I guess the only tolerable one is Japanese. That’s why Uncle Adolf called them honorary aryans. Do you write about your travel experiences in Japan? If so, where can I read it?

    • To write perchance to feel December 12, 2022 at 9:56 pm #

      The Philippines sounds too perfect. Like a Pussy Paradise. There has to be some catch. Fine print. Do the locals try to rob and scam you after they gain your trust? Incurable STDs that just look like a rash at first but end up killing you within 2 years? Insatiable swarms of mosquitos? Stinky hairy pussies? Tacos hasn’t mentioned any negatives. He’s basically the #1 online salesman for sex tourism to the Philippines. It sounds like he has only had good experiences over there. Del Tacos is the Anthony Bourdain of austronesian monkeypussy. But I have my doubts about SE Asia in general. I would not step foot in Thailand for example. That’s where Viktor Bout got pinched. That’s where Vonderplanitz passed away. Thailand is a cursed place in my opinion. But I remain open-minded about The Philippines.

      • Loocifer December 16, 2022 at 9:23 am #

        being white and going to fillypeens is basically unlocking the cheat code for Infinite Pussy. there is no downside. enjoy 😉

      • Cucker Tarlson December 18, 2022 at 9:14 pm #

        Filipina twat is like a fresh mango, whether shaven or hairy. The women just don’t have strong body odor.

        Agree with the “cheat code” comment above.

        The food there is carb-laden garbage, and the country is an Asian Mexico in terms of work ethic, income disparity, and physical environment. So there’s that. But many view those as boons.

        Also: yeah, Thailand is just unwholesome.

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