The Internet

13 Oct
image stolen from

image stolen from

Our generation’s Van Gogh will never flower. He has to work sixty hours a week. Photoshop retarded bug eyed cats so they’re looking at Miley Cyrus.

Alice Munro won the Nobel Prize this week. Our generation’s Alice Munro captions sassy GIF’s for Buzzfeed. Lucille Bluth shakes her head flamboyantly. Makes some kind of “no” gesture. She is reacting to Miley Cyrus. Our Mark Twain writes for Gawker. Commentary about Vice’s commentary about The Atlantic’s original opinion about What Miley Cyrus Means for Our Times. Gawker’s angle is that the Vice one is racist. The comments go down and down and down. Click to see 87 more replies. Black people and white people saying why they hate each other. Women’s Studies majors shocked and indignant. People reacting to an 800 word GIF-laden throwaway like the guy who covered the Hindenberg.

Our generation’s Woodward and Bernstein made a ten second video. Deep Throat was a cat with a chromosome damaged face. It fell off a couch. TV was playing behind it. Breaking Bad. The scene where Hank takes a shit. Our generation’s Ben Bradlee stole their video. Did not credit them. What if we cut it into a whole series of GIFs, he said. They’d have to click through separately to each one. To look at the retarded cat you have to have a huge loud movie jump out in front of you repeatedly. It’s about yogurt.

Jon Stewart rendered speechless by Malala. Stephen Colbert crushes the Tea Party. Wendy Davis has choice words for Rick Perry. Choice words for you, too: give her money. Thought Catalog Presents The Top 25 Ways I Was Raped. Buzzfeed Presents The Best 47 Breaking Bad Miley Cyrus House Republicans Arrested Development. Reddit Presents I Passionately Hate a Woman Who Says Video Games Are Sexist. Salon Presents The Top 11 Things Comedian Patton Oswalt Did Not Say, About Rape. Brought to you by yogurt. The new kind is from goats. It’ll make you shit, we promise.

Top 18 Manifestations of White Male Hetcis Privilege on Tumblr. Top 23 Ways It Sucks to Be a Trans Genderqueer POC in World of Warcraft. The gaming community has a woman problem. The tech industry has a woman problem. Twitter has a woman problem. Do your part: read this article and get mad. Why can’t twitter have ONE woman on its board. Why can’t women just start their own company, MasterAlpha69 retorts. Click to see 128 more replies. Twitter’s board could be a lone chimp pulling a lever labeled “More Ads.” Twitter’s board is plutocrats who would spread open your rib cage and shit on your still beating heart for a buck. But why can’t one of them be a woman.

Read it and get mad. Share it and make your friends mad. Look what the feminists said now. Look what the misogynists said now. I just… I can’t… wow. Just… Wow. Can you PLEASE fix this comment system. This is my TENTH TIME trying to upload a GIF of Lucille Bluth. You’re fat, says MasterAlpha69. You have a small dick, XXVirginia_WoolfXX retorts.

Meanwhile a woman with big tits reacted to a cat reacting to Breaking Bad on Youtube. She got rich. I’ll die broke. Fuck this shit; I’m going outside.

EDIT: I’m sure a million people beat me to every joke in here, but Sean Tejaratchi definitely beat me to the commenter complaining about GIF uploading.


9 Responses to “The Internet”

  1. Stephen October 13, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

    Goes outside and immediately pulls out iphone.

  2. L. Roy Aiken October 13, 2013 at 7:30 pm #

    Very timely, especially coming at the end of Fat Shaming Week. For my part I’m impressed “our generation’s Van Gogh” even has a job. I’d certainly hate to think our Mark Twain would even consider working for shit pit like Gawker Media. I imagine him putting in time at a Tier One help desk before getting fired because he pissed off some feminists or “Free Thought” people on his blog and got doxxed.

  3. baux October 13, 2013 at 10:36 pm #

    then write a book and do something about it

    this generations hunter s. thompson blogs about okcupid hoze instead of legitimate debauchery

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  1. This is the Way the World Ends - October 14, 2013

    […] Our generation’s Woodward and Bernstein made a ten second video. Deep Throat was a cat with a chro… […]

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