Relax–

9 Feb

sweet alien savage

it doesn’t matter if your book sells today or everyou fucking did your best. It’s all you can do. If it sucks, if it fails you got up there. You got in the ring. If a huge guy threw right cross left hook combinations into you repeatedly doing severe permanent cosmetic and brain damage and had a much better physique because he’s black and everyone, millions and millions of people laughed at your backfat on TV… if you fell over backwards, hit your head hard, again, the ref pulled off your pants and put peanut butter on your dick and a dog started licking it and this image went viral… and it was cold so your dick looked small too it doesn’t matter. You took your shot. You’re a well not quite a champion. A champion would be the guy who won. Whose book outsold Sweet Alien Savage: Zerconian Sex Warriors Book 4 in its Amazon category… but you’re a guy... a guy who stood in a ring, and took his shot, and failed, publicly, and you suck and everyone hates you, and you’re ugly. Thank God I get laid.

Victoria

3 Feb
Dentist-Charlottesville-VA-young-asian-girl

Image: Aesthetic Dentistry of Charlottesville

He got in a long distance relationship with a rich girl who lived in Canada. They would Skype and she’d push her middle finger in her asshole while her other hand held her phone. Talking calmly to her mom. Telling her the ways she was cleaning up her act. Please send money. She needed this to get off. For him, her asshole was enough.

Roots

3 Feb

john-howland-overboard

I’m posting old unpublished material to draw page views for my new novel Finally, Some Good News.

My mom got into genealogy. So did your mom. Older women love genealogy the way actresses love astrology. Whereas men know your great grandmother took a hot load from the blacksmith. Blacksmithed.com. Continue reading

Hannah

2 Feb

Her father was a speaking in tongues cultist. He had a sugar cane and pig farm in Kentucky. The cane keeps the pigs in. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: How Do I Get People to Read My Writing

12 Jan

streisand awards

David writes:

…how do you get people to come to your website when they don’t even know your name?

Continue reading

Good Job, Satan

9 Jan

Why was my deadbolt locked this morning. Was someone in the house sprinkling poison on my lips. Designed to make me crazy. Shrink my penis. Lower my IQ. Delete my Tinder matches. Erase my Microsoft Word documents– good, all garbage. Good job, Satan. Contaminate my foods with BPAs. I don’t even know what BPAs are. Get on Facebook and send my embarrassing resumé to all my high school friends who thought I was dead. Telling them I’m alive, just a loser.

The Movie

4 Jan

So the blinds fully protect me from seeing what’s going on outside my apartment. But provide a clear, perhaps even an enhanced view of everything going on inside to anyone standing outside. Enhanced because that one visible strip is fully lit. Draws the eye even from a distance of a few feet, exactly where she was standing. The strip with my computer showing pornography and the back of my head and my arm, clearly jerking off. Her out in the blackness and me inside jerking it; the monitor looks like the bright screen of a drive in as you pass by on the dark freeway. Every inch of the image unmistakable. If you stopped on the side of the road you could easily watch the entire movie, of me jerking off to disgusting porn.