Reader Mailbag: Are You Happy Now

23 Jun

joi

“Joe” writes:

Hi Delicious Tacos,

I read a post a few years ago. It’s this one:

https://delicioustacos.com/2016/07/06/destroy-the-earth/

Has your life improved?

Continue reading

The Handjob

9 Jun

And then when he finally got a handjob it sucked. The fat girl who had edged him last time, the fat girl with the male orang utan face complete with cheek ridges, walked him back to the toilet and her giant ass in dark gray yoga pants made his dick too stiff to piss with anticipation. But they switched girls on him. Sent in an old woman with an old woman face. She tried to give him an actual massage. Leaned into his calves hard with her fists and he could feel her old woman finger bones. No collagen in her digits. Her handjob action too rigid. She wrapped his scrotum around the base of his pipe like an upside down rain poncho. His nuts like two heavy plums wrapped tight in a clear Safeway produce bag. Then after, his parachute size sac laying askew on one thigh, he felt like one of his nuts might have twisted. She was saying something about money and he was having a daydream about explaining his testicular torsion to the nurse at urgent care. He would say it was a girl. But he wouldn’t say he paid. Why didn’t you stop her, she would ask. I didn’t want to be rude.

Evaluation

3 Jun

husband shirt

He needed a raise. To save enough money to quit. HR was six months behind on his annual evaluation. This meant they knew he’d ask.

He’d had to follow up. The meeting was this morning. 9AM. The HR head would review his evaluation. They’d have budgeted an amount. But they wouldn’t mention money unless he asked. They’d pass his request to some anonymous personage. Come back with a smaller amount. A prior evaluation noted he did not always dress for the job he wanted. He would need to wear his crisp white shirt. It was custom tailored at Men’s Wearhouse. He’d had to buy it for a wedding. All cotton. No armpit stains. Continue reading

Goodbye OKCupid

27 May

FullSizeRender

They banned me from OKCupid. I’d say who knows why but you know it was some fat bluehair with a hard on for right wing future van murderers. Their appeal policy is: fuck off. So it’s gone.

I know, it’s no loss. It sucked already. Once they came out with hey look pictures it was doomed. But OKCupid was a market ineffeciency. Nice house in a nice neighborhood an ordinary family could afford. You could get women writing words. A niche. But tech gets better. Money gets involved. Every house on the block bought by GuangFei Light Industrial Technologies or Berkshire fuckin Hathaway. Family trust of New York Times newlyweds Matilda Wong-Rubinstein and Chet von Crackington III. You want a house, you better inherit money. You want ass, you better inherit face. Height frame don’t matter. I’m six one and ripped. Girls just see the met gala photo of Sarah Jessica Parker. Continue reading

Book Review: The Garbage Times by Sam Pink

20 May

sam pink book

When I think of “alt lit” I think of date rape. Tao Lin accused of skin beefs and emotional abuse by his sixteen year old lover who transitioned into a man. I think of the careful looking-up-”important”-in-the-thesaurus apology he’d have to make if it came out now instead of 2014. It’s important that we continue this urgent conversation and absolutely crucial that we believe… and you’d normally say “believe women” except now you’re misgendering. But you don’t want people to skim and think you’re Jerry Sandusky taking sixteen year old boys in the ass, either. What a nightmare. Rape is so, so important, and these accusations always true except now, and I fucked her before she was a man but trust me I believe it’s wrong to point that out… Continue reading

Red Dawn

20 May

cunt pic

(Previously)

The new bomb punched a hole in the sky. Over the fireball the black cloud ceiling of seething H. R. Giger demon intestines broke open. You could see blue. The blast was up high. Miles and miles East. The sound came half a minute later with heat like a blow dryer too close to your neck. Then quiet. They’d come out of the tent barefoot in the mud, lower halves naked in the cool wet air, peering over the cinder block fence and squinting. Is it safe to look, she said. Continue reading

Blue State

29 Apr

bmw_dna_1 miami ad school

Pool party in LA. And of course now says the podcast writer to the bearded man with antler tattoos who gives a 6/10 to the Steampunk Cafe, you have these alt right incels. Involuntary celibate, they’re racists from the manosphere and they’re on these message boards. I have to say something. But what. Do I support the incels? I guess I’m against them. But I get where they’re coming from. Is that illegal. I just don’t want to be rude. Don’t want to fuck up the whole party which is six people, and there’s already an issue with my going on at length about types of Japanese prostitutes. Well (slave name) you sure do know a lot about prostitutes, titter titter. Continue reading