Don’t be the guy. A lot of people out there saying someone’s gotta DO SOMETHING. About the left the right Zionists Hamas blacks whites troons Nazis etc. etc. etc. Don’t let it be you. You are gonna live a long life. A nice house. A nice dog. Not end up cold and alone in the woods on the run from big men putting knees on your neck. With everyone who said someone’s gotta do something saying you’re a piece of shit cuz you did something. Someone’s gotta do something. Never them. So not you. Live a long life.
Twilight of the Idols
25 Aug
I went for a run last night. Out in the park. Up the sand trail where people take their horses. To where the dog ate the toad one time and back. It was full dark of night by the time I got motivated, and it got cool enough.
On the way back I saw animals in the grass. I stopped and looked. A skunk was snuffling about with three coyotes lounging. It had been hot, it was a hundred degrees that day. The grass in the park is cool. Sprinklers come on at night. The coyotes lay placidly while the skunk snuffled for grubs, all a few feet from each other. A skunk hanging out with three coyotes.
Continue readingI’ll Miss This House
22 Jul
I love sleeping with the dog. Waking up with the dog. Every night I take a bath. She knows it’s close to bedtime. She waits on the bed. Susannah’s in New York this week. I gotta move to our new house. Moving is like a death. Your own death by a bad disease. The memories and feelings in the house welling up while you fight transactions bills work money logistics man up etc.etc. Lifting heavy boxes in the heat and crude workmen barking while you want to sit and cry sifting through letters from the dead.
Continue readingFather’s Day
15 Jun
Every Father’s Day I wake up unhappy. Stay unhappy all day. Don’t know why. And remember it’s Father’s Day and my father is dead. He had a pretty long great life. He left behind a loving family, I talk to my brothers just about every day.
We saw it coming. He got cancer. He was given six months to live and he lived 15 more years. He came out to stay with me. Got to see my place, meet my friends. I got to say goodbye to him before he died. I’m still sad he’s dead. I’m sitting here in a coffee shop and I half want to cry typing about him. But they’re playing EDM.
Continue readingThe Mountain
28 May
It’s the big day. Don’t forget the ring.
What if she says no. I had a nightmare. We were walking on the beach and talking. Here in Japan. I started to say how would you feel about getting engaged and a high school marching band who was on a field trip on the beach started playing. Waves crashing and french horns sousaphones and trombones, fat kids in uniforms. She started to say I don’t want a serious relationship and I said IT’S TOO LOUD. Let’s go over there. We went behind a concrete pier piling and there was just a little trickling stream. I said but we love each other and she was saying no. But the kids from the marching band were there. We were sheltered from the sound and they could hear us. I said NOW IT’S TOO QUIET, god dammit. I had a nightmare where I floated the idea to her. And she said no. And here we were in Japan.
Continue readingSusannah Diaries, Part 5
30 AprWalking in despair to the burrito stand thinking Susannah was mad at me, thinking she was leaving me. Thinking I should call her but the cars going by were too loud. Thinking: if it’s God’s will that I should have a job and no girlfriend, I will defy God’s will. Thinking: I will work to destroy the faith of as many people as I can.
I ate the burrito and felt better.
Vacation
30 Mar
I’m on vacation from thinking about the future. All I have to do is lay in bed with her watching a stupid movie. When she goes to piss her dog gets on the bed. Her pug, Cinnamon. Cinnamon is not allowed here but I don’t know that, so I call Cinnamon, because the bed’s lonely without Susannah. And Cinnamon jumps up and instead of reclining serenely by my side like a faithful hunting hound in a painting, like I imagined, Cinnamon runs up my leg on to my stomach, plants her back foot into my nuts, and then circles and circles on my belly like she’s trying to become one with me. Like she’s tunneling into my body to be close to me. Then she climbs up my chest and sits on my face, then stands on my forehead trying to lick my eyes while I squirm laughing. I hear the toilet flush and the faucet run for a second and Susannah comes back in and yells at Cinnamon to get off the bed. She knows she’s not supposed to be there, she says. But oh God she thinks she doesn’t have to listen to me now because you’re a man.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
When I Die (Part 2)
27 Feb
After my dad died my friend from AA invited me to climb Mexico’s tallest volcano. I said yes. I thought: not only will this be cool, but I can scatter Dad’s ashes up there.
I was picturing a warm volcano in the jungle. Parrots and palm trees. Something Aztecs and Mayans might have thrown people into.
Continue readingThe Fire
30 Jan
My buddy called me. I’m going to check on the house and I need someone to come with me, he said. His house is in Altadena, in the hills on the edge of the Eaton Fire. Did his neighborhood burn, is it still burning. Nobody knows. There are Facebook groups with people’s videos of their houses burning blocks away. Nothing on his street.
I say yes, I’ll drive. I figure if it’s bad we’ll get turned back. And I want to help the guy. But really I want to see it. Destruction all over the news, it’s covered in smoke and ashes where I live. He took his wife and kid to a hotel. He left two cars up there and his wife’s clothes, and the last stuff from his mom’s house after she died. But driving up the 110 he tells me: I just want to see it. I want to see the fire. Continue reading
The Corporate Death Penalty
21 Dec
Was I able to resolve your issue today, said customer service.
Absolutely, thank you. So I’m getting a credit for $36.75.
I’ll put that in the system sir yes. For the credit to be issued I have to put you on a brief hold. I’m going to send you over to the department that’s actually authorized for that.
Wait what-
I can put the credit in your file. But the credit has to be issued by the cancellation department-
But they’ll be able to see that I should get the credit, right?
They’ll have access to my notes yes.
How long will I be on hold-
Unfortunately I have no way of knowing that sir. I’m transferring you now-
WAIT, he said. But jazz music was playing. A trumpet ascending over Latin rhythms. Did you know that most billing questions can be answered online at Fulcrum dot com? Log in now to view your account, review billing details, and make payment arrangements. Continue reading
New Book
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