Tag Archives: mitt romney

Protected: Week in Review

15 Oct

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Ass Eating

26 Jun

A girl was eating my ass. It was my first time. I had merely asked her to tickle my back but she misinterpreted this as wanting my ass eaten and being too shy to ask. 

It wasn’t quite arousing, but it was really just… sweet, gentle, and intimate. More about her long hair tickling my ass cheeks than the actual, you know, the tongue going in my asshole. She had eaten a mint or chewed strong gum beforehand.  I felt minty afterwards. 

I couldn’t help thinking about my shit that morning.  My second shit, which had spinach leaves in it.  I kept thinking: don’t let her go so deep that she eats my shit spinach.  Then thinking about spinach made me think about Popeye and I had to keep trying not to laugh thinking about Popeye shooting a thin stream of fire from his pipe to open a can of spinach, and then pounding the contents, and his biceps expanding and appearing to contain an old-timey factory with dancing smokestacks that produced tanks which then shot Bluto in the face. I kept thinking what if she ate a piece of my ass spinach and turned into Popeye.

Anyway.

Protected: Diary 9-18-12: Suck My Fucking Dick, Mitt Romney

20 Sep

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Wild Kingdom

14 Sep

Fucking flies all over me, in my house.  And ants who come in seeking water.  It’s a hundred and eight degrees and I’ve left some chicken bones in the trash and instantaneously dozens of flies appear; swirling around the kitchen like that witch woman’s planetary machine in THE DARK CRYSTAL.  What the fuck are those things called.  Something-ary.  Anyway, like one of those things.  Throw away the chicken and immediately, flies.  Their life cycle is so short– born, maggot, fly, fuck, shit die.  Do they even eat as adults, or do they just look for a place to lay eggs.  They’re dying of natural causes now and the chicken bones have only been in there for three days. I am forced to contemplate the fleeting nature of life.  Fucking flies.

Born, baby, eat, adult, fuck, shit, die.  In the span of geological time our lives are three days long; we’re born in a trash can eating a chicken bone, we fuck and make a baby once or twice if we’re lucky, and we fucking die glued to the window, trying to get out into the sun.  We just want to die outside.  Continue reading

Relax, It Doesn’t Matter Who’s President

8 Sep

Your taxes are not going to go up or down.  And if they do, who gives  a shit.  It won’t be a meaningful amount.  You are not barely hanging on by the amount that your taxes will increase.  You are not going to get some windfall by the amount your taxes will decrease.  They are not going to up the taxes enough that the debt and deficit are lowered meaningfully, nor are they going to lower them so that the debt and deficit are raised meaningfully.  All that shit, the money shit, is going to stay pretty much exactly the same.

If you can get an abortion now, you will still be able to get an abortion.  If you live in North Dakota, you will have to drive very far to get an abortion.  But you already have to drive very far to get an abortion.  You have to drive across the equivalent of France to get a fuel filter for a Japanese car, or a burrito.  If you live in North Dakota, you probably do not need or want or would consider having an abortion.  Why is it such a big fucking deal, the five abortions performed annually in North Dakota.  Or in Mississippi– when have you ever heard of someone getting pregnant in Mississippi, and no matter how young they were, how poor, no matter how abusive and drunk the father is, how many babies he already has with thirty other women, how much chromosome damage the baby was going to have from the mother pounding from whatever clay jug labeled “XXX” they drink from in Mississippi– when was the last time you ever heard of someone getting pregnant in Mississippi and not keeping the baby. Any state considering outlawing abortion is an entire state of Honey Boo Boo.  Every birth is from statutory rape by a multiple convict, and every six fingered IQ 80 baby is considered a huge blessing from Jesus where you wouldn’t even think about terminating the pregnancy.  Why do we argue so much about this. Continue reading

Delicioustacos, the President Urgently Needs Your Help

11 Jun

Fuck you, President Barack Obama.

And First Lady Michelle Obama, and Vice President Joe Biden, and fuck you Anne Marie Habershaw, and David Axelrod; fuck you Jim Messina, fuck you Mary Jane Stevenson; eat a fucking dick Julianna “Cock Destroyer” Smoot; choke on my balls Stephanie “Turd” Cutter; fuck youleta, Katherine Archuleta; Rufuckyou* Rufus Gifford, and on and on and on to all the dozens of jerkoffs who email me CONSTANTLY, EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY begging for money for Barack Obama.  A president whom I voted for and supported, but of course, my fucking VOTE doesn’t mean shit since I live in California and unless you actually skullfucked a baby on TV there is no way you’re not carrying this state.  So who gives a shit how I vote.  No, fuckface, your vote means nothing.  We need your motherfucking MONEY.

Fuck all of you because every five god damn minutes I look at my blackberry and see the red asterisk of a new incoming email and I think it’s a new comment on my blog or correspondence from a friend and instead it’s you god damn panhandlers finding some new excuse to hit me up for cash.  If I donate three dollars I get a chance to have dinner with George Clooney,  which– if I’m having dinner with George that’s work for me; I better be getting paid.  Or: RED ALERT! Mitt Romney has outraised Obama for the first time, in fact the first time Barack has been outfunded by an opponent since 2007– well shit, that second part is news to me; I thought you guys were the fucking underdogs.  Are you telling me you had MORE money than the Republicans this whole time? Fuck off then. Look where that got you. I should be marrying my male bride at the Satanic church before retiring home to my mountain of free insurance and unemployment payments by now. Continue reading