Fuck you, President Barack Obama.
And First Lady Michelle Obama, and Vice President Joe Biden, and fuck you Anne Marie Habershaw, and David Axelrod; fuck you Jim Messina, fuck you Mary Jane Stevenson; eat a fucking dick Julianna “Cock Destroyer” Smoot; choke on my balls Stephanie “Turd” Cutter; fuck youleta, Katherine Archuleta; Rufuckyou* Rufus Gifford, and on and on and on to all the dozens of jerkoffs who email me CONSTANTLY, EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY begging for money for Barack Obama. A president whom I voted for and supported, but of course, my fucking VOTE doesn’t mean shit since I live in California and unless you actually skullfucked a baby on TV there is no way you’re not carrying this state. So who gives a shit how I vote. No, fuckface, your vote means nothing. We need your motherfucking MONEY.
Fuck all of you because every five god damn minutes I look at my blackberry and see the red asterisk of a new incoming email and I think it’s a new comment on my blog or correspondence from a friend and instead it’s you god damn panhandlers finding some new excuse to hit me up for cash. If I donate three dollars I get a chance to have dinner with George Clooney, which– if I’m having dinner with George that’s work for me; I better be getting paid. Or: RED ALERT! Mitt Romney has outraised Obama for the first time, in fact the first time Barack has been outfunded by an opponent since 2007– well shit, that second part is news to me; I thought you guys were the fucking underdogs. Are you telling me you had MORE money than the Republicans this whole time? Fuck off then. Look where that got you. I should be marrying my male bride at the Satanic church before retiring home to my mountain of free insurance and unemployment payments by now.
But it’s always something. Whatever piece of news has happened, they gotta turn it into a reason why Barack Obama urgently needs your money right now. Not just sometime before November when the election happens– it’s gotta be this week, when Mitt Romney has outraised Barack Obama for the first time in history. It’s gotta be this week because Barack Obama was accidentally forced by his drunk, ruddy-faced underling to stop being such a chickenshit about the gays. It’s gotta be this week because it’s Barack’s birthday and Sasha, Malia and I would love to give him the present of meeting our fundraising goals ahead of blah blah blah…. they whore out his fucking family; they scare you that the Koch brothers are gonna singlehandedly hand Mitt 12 trillion dollars with which he will declare himself Mormon Pope and Emperor of the United States of Gay Holocaust; they trumpet how Barack’s master plan has to continue because whatever Mitt Romney does would be drastically different and lead to instant collapse of the republic into the ROAD WARRIOR universe.
Look: it doesn’t matter who’s president. Or, it doesn’t matter who’s president this time. It mattered when it was George W. Bush versus anybody else because that guy was bad enough at the gig to substantially fuck up the financial health of the government and take tens of thousands of lives. But that was a fluke. Bush was a stealth assassin– coming off as a goofy nut but in fact autocratic and crafty, just dumb enough to listen to the exact wrong policy advisors about everything but smart enough to actually enforce these bad agendas with surprising canniness and power. But Bush was also a man of unquestioning faith who actually believed in what he was doing. Is anyone afraid that Mitt Romney is the same way? Is there anybody on the face of this planet who thinks Mitt has a single conviction, and is in it for anything other than to merely get elected? He’s an empty suit, but the good thing about an empty suit is there’s not some secret room in his mind where Jesus is telling him to crush the Antichrist King of Babylon and avenge his father. If you travel deep as deep can go into Mitt Romney’s subconscious you will find a blank white wall. Maybe a spread sheet with some revenue optimizing formulas, or maybe, at the very darkest, a whiteboard with a crude drawing of a necktie-wearing penis and the subtitle “George Romney.” So he’s not going to unleash the nukes; he’s not going to round up the gays into concentration camps– he’s going to cut taxes and yet be unable to cut spending because old people won’t let you touch Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security or defense, and these are the only things we spend money on. He’s gonna cut taxes and maybe increase the deficit but who are we kidding– the financial health of the country is so fucked, the deficit is so incomprehensibly gigantic, the national debt is discussed in quantities that make you think you tuned into a PBS documentary about the number of stars in the universe– the financial health of the country is so well and truly fucked that no one man is going to fix it, and no one man is going to fuck it up any further in a meaningful way. It is what it is.
So who gives a shit if Barack Obama is president. I’m happy that he spoke up for the gays three and a half years in to being president after being officially opposed to their basic rights for the rest of the term, but still, it was some half assed bullshit about his personal beliefs. I personally believe that gay people should have the right to marry, but I believe that it should be up to the states to decide. Just like I personally believe that Tom’s of Maine’s® organic cinnamon toothpaste is the best toothpaste on the market and well worth the extra buck fifty over Aqua Fresh®, but you are entitled to your opinion. Get the fuck out of here. And thanks for that crackdown on medical pot; the best use of time and money and roided-out federal agents is clearly that scourge. And thanks for staying in Afghanistan– obviously that fine nation has a bright democratic future now. And thanks for forcing everyone to buy private insurance with no option to just get fucking medicare, which actually pays for medical procedures instead of creating an entire sub-industry of nitpickers whose whole raison d’etre is to put you on hold again and again and again until you decide to just give up and pay the fucking bill yourself.
Whatever, look, I support a lot of what Obama would have done, if he could get a single piece of legislation through congress without it being gutted and declawed. I would prefer that he be the president again instead of this nauseatingly square whitebread corporate/ religious robot whose fake laugh would only sound contextually appropriate to a whore being buried alive by a guy who made her dress up as his mother and laugh at him while he peed into a diaper. But I would prefer Obama for the sole reason that he is somewhat less grating to watch on TV. That’s it. Neither choice either of these guys is able to effect is going to materially change my life to the tune of the three dollars they’re asking me for, whereas the burrito I will be purchasing with that money will take my taste buds to a heavenly fiesta south of the border. South of the border that illegal immigrants will be crossing at the exact same rate no matter who’s president.
* Would also accept “Fuckyoufus.”
delicioustacos 
OMG, you are SO HOTT. I AM A BLACK NIGGER HOOKER I WANT TO SUCK YOUR DICK! Do you want to meet over at my house? I drink Remy and my pussy smells like marmalade. Promise.
Goddamn, Anon #1 beat me to the punch, but after that post, I really *do* want to suck your cock — and, as a (formerly) fat girl, you know i’d be good at it.
Thanks ladies.
Ann Romney just emailed me too. Should I
add her to The List?
Also, I love that first comment up there.
You didn’t hear about Afghanistan? Sometime around 07-08, about 6 years into our occupation, a geographical map miraculously surfaced that was supposedly hidden by some Afghani Geologists since the Soviet invasion detailing the location of trillions of dollars in unmined rare earth minerals: cobalt, iron, copper, lithium, gold, etc., all that shit that’s essential in manufacturing computer chips and batteries and whatnot. Afghanistan is a fucking treasure trove. So naturally the American government will have to stay there to make sure that these backwards-ass cavedwelling fucks actually develop it, and don’t plunge themselves into a decades long tribal war over the shit, ’cause, you know, Apple comes out with a new device full of thousands of new useless features once every two months. What the fuck am I gonna do if I can’t buy the new Retina Macbook Pro? How can I properly read trivial blogs on the internet without a crystal clear 2880×1800 IPS display?
And I’m not even gonna get in to the opium trade that has increased twentyfold since we invaded. More kids in the western world die annually overdosing on Afghan heroin than the combined total of NATO troop casualties since the start of the invasion. Russia is having such an epidemic that they wanted to start razing the crops and spraying herbicides. We nixed that idea real quick. Can’t do that. How would the CIA fund some clandestine rendition program where they kidnap some Mullah in Bahrain for saying “fuck America”? That might sound kind of conspiracy theorish, but it wouldn’t surprise me after Iran Contra.
I’d actually like to believe that conspiracy theory because the alternative, which is probably mush closer to the truth, is a paradoxical clusterfuck of Joseph Heller proportions: We reluctantly allow Afghan farmers to grow poppy plants in a misguided attempt to “win hearts and minds” – it’s way more lucrative than anything else they could farm. They then turn around and sell this poppy to the Taliban, who process it into heroin, smuggle it across the borders where it makes its way to Western countries to kill and fuck up the lives of god knows how many of our youth (this was a strategy of war outlined by Osama Bin Laden, by the way) the proceeds then get funneled back so the Taliban can buy weapons to kill our troops with. The poppy fields that our soldiers walk past everyday are the main source of their enemy’s funding. The problem is the beauracrats in Washington don’t want to realize that in a war – surprise! – people get fucking killed. So they drag this thing out for over a decade with all these fucked up rules of engagement instead of just going in there, murdering the Taliban to the brink of extinction with a careless disregard for civilian lives (which anybody who’s ever cracked open a history book will tell you is how you win a war), and getting the fuck out.
My cousin did two tours in Iraq with the 2/6 Marines, you know what he did when he wasn’t fishing and hitting golf balls at Saddam Hussein’s giant palace/compound/resort that they turned into a base camp? He didn’t do much, except for drive around Fallujah in a humvee waiting for people to shoot at him. Fucking ridiculous.
You attract the racists here famously. If only they were half as brilliant as your left nipple’s shadow. Anyway, just wanted you to know some random black guy finds your blog amusing.
I don’t know… any culture that condones burying a woman up to her neck in the sand and pummeling her to death with giant rocks for walking out of the house without a fucking drape over her face, to me, that’s a backwards-ass cavedwelling fuck. I don’t know, maybe it’s me; maybe I’m a little fucked up, but in my mind that makes me a realist. If it also makes me a racist then so be it.
Unless you were talking about the person who calls themselves a black nigger hooker. In which case, never mind. But you really should clarify those things. Other racists might get offended.