Dating in LA: Pros

11 Jun

Here is the real problem with “dating in LA.”  I hate even typing that phrase.  “dating in LA.”  Which, everyone says it over and over again that “it’s hard to meet someone in LA.”  Yes, it is hard to meet someone in LA if you are stupid, ugly, annoying, old and fat.  It is perhaps not as hard to meet someone in Mobile, Alabama even if you have one or more of these qualities because once you find someone and they find you, you are sticking together because what the fuck else can you get.

But it is “hard to meet someone in LA” even if you are a six foot one employed white male with 9 per cent body fat and a decent tan and a full head of hair that even has some cool, like, the perfect very slight amount of graying going on, and a reasonably strong jawline, and an IQ three and one half standard deviations above the norm, which is supposedly valued, and a sense of humor probably also three and one half standard deviations above the norm, and good skills and knowledge w/r/t art, and music, and other disciplines that chicks are supposedly interested in and want to discuss.  And a face that, while, no, you are not George Clooney, is litotically “not unattractive,” which is all that everyone except a vanishingly small percentage of the population can hope for.

Here is the problem.  You are competing with pros.  You are a mere amateur, and while you are attractive enough and have enough qualities to kind of get up into the same ass stratosphere as these pros, the fact remains that you are surrounded by people whose whole purpose for being on the Earth is to be paid to be attractive. To be paid to be funny. I am funny, but I do not spend eleven hours per day practicing at being funny and thinking of funny things and being on stage being admired by people for being funny.  I am probably funnier than the funniest guy in South Bend, Indiana (excluding the campus of Notre Dame), but there are guys out here who spend all day honing their chops at the Comedy Store and coming up with hours and hours of canned material that they are also very practiced at speaking as if they were delivering it casually off-the-cuff.  Whereas you actually are delivering things casually off-the-cuff, or trying to in the midst of these much louder, more practiced, and frankly not particularly interested in being befriended by you and having a kind of cooperative comedy exercise instead of shouting each other down in front of all the pussy type guys, and you end up having a lot of l’esprit d’escalier and meekly walking away from a lot of conversations unnoticed and unremarked.   And the type of girl who would normally be into a guy like you, you reasonably not bad looking and fairly funny dude, is also the type of girl who will invite you out to a lot of shit with these type of guys who have made youtube videos that have three hundred thousand hits and have been paid what you make in a year to make their web video into a pilot for Comedy Central, and while that pilot was not picked up to series, it’s something for them to casually drop into conversation the way someone who went to Harvard casually drops that into conversation. You are competing with guys who are on fucking TV.  Which, it’s like getting out of a cold pool to hang out naked with a bunch of black porn stars.

11 Responses to “Dating in LA: Pros”

  1. Anonymous June 11, 2012 at 10:46 am #

    Nah, I think it’s cause you’re an asshole. “Get In Shape, You Disgusting Fat Fuck” kind of answers why you’re in the why-don’t-women-like-me?? plight.

    • Anonymous June 11, 2012 at 11:48 am #

      Asshole-ness is his issue.
      But is wanting them skinny more deplorable than pinning them down by the neck? (now I call it an A-line Sleeveless Undershirt)
      Clearly she was asking for it.
      Whereas fat people are certainly not…

    • Jake June 24, 2012 at 12:54 am #

      Nah. The only people offended by that are the ones he doesn’t want anyway. Like you, fattie.

  2. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    I’ve only been out there twice for a combined total of two weeks, but from what I’ve seen of it, it’s no place I’d want to live. Why would you think that any of those qualities: funny, smart, charismatic, white etc., why would you think any of that matters in L.A.? You just said it, it’s a bunch of fucking flakes out there, that’s the problem. Golddiggers and starfuckers. Ugh.. what a fucking hellhole that place is.

    Either that, or it’s people who are running away from something, trying to reinvent themselves, which contributes to the flakiness factor. My uncle made his way out there when he came home from Vietnam during the 60’s – went out to Haight and Ashbury and became a hippy. Eventually he made his was down to LA and got married, so my cousin was born and raised in Pasadena, I feel bad for him. Every time he used to come out to Philly to visit me, he didn’t want to leave.

    And I can’t imagine many frat boys on the campus of Notre Dame being all that funny. Probably guys working at the local steel mill ten times funnier.

    • Anonymous June 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

      pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn is a starfucker want to be. fucking faggot.

      • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 11, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

        Ahhh, you must be from L.A. That’s cool, though, don’t be mad cause some anonymous nobody shit all over your city on the internet. I didn’t do a very thorough job of it, anyway. And after all, the Kings might be taking home the Stanley Cup tonight. I’m sure there will be thousands of people out at the bars who’ve never watched a hockey game in their fucking life celebrating. So you got that going for you. That is, if the yos don’t riot and burn down half the city. Dodgers keep it up you might be able to celebrate a World Series in October, too.

    • Anonymous June 12, 2012 at 5:24 pm #

      Philly?! Are you fucking serious? That place is such a shit hole. LA’s not perfect but it beats the fuck out of Philly.

  3. Anonymous June 11, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

    I’ve never been to LA as an adult, so I can’t comment on the actual substance of this blog post, but I do admire your using “w/r/t”.

  4. CN June 11, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    Lmfao the angry comments are the best

  5. Anonymous June 12, 2012 at 2:08 pm #

    pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn: you’re from pennsylvania. all you’ve got is steel and quaker oats, so shutthefuckup. your city blows. btw, pasadena ≠ L.A. your cousin sucks dick too.

  6. James Joke June 22, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

    What’s litotically mean?

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