Hey Kids: You Should Make Your Own Crack to Smoke at Home! It’s Easy and Fun

8 Jun

You don’t have to cook up a big “Menace II Society” sized batch, or whatever—you can make crack with just a few bumps worth of coke, and have it serve as a handy fallback when you’re running low after a coke binge. What you do is take a sheet of tinfoil and mold it into kind of a pan/spoon shape, with a rim around the bowl. Don’t use an actual spoon because the metal is too thick and in the time it takes to get hot the heat will travel down the handle and burn your fingers.

Take an equal amount of (or slightly more) baking soda to your coke and lightly mix the two dry ingredients in your foil. Then add just a few drops of water, just enough to barely cover the mix. Stir it into a paste, with a plastic pen cap or something.

Then just heat the mixture from below until the water boils off. Once the paste starts turning slightly yellow or golden-brown, you’ll start smelling that classic burning-plastic crack smell and you’re ready to go. It won’t be “rocked up” per se, but rather kind of flakey.

Take some more foil and form it around a pen into a straw. Heat your crack from below, right in your foil-spoon and inhale through the straw from above. When you’re done, just throw everything out*—no telltale char-bottomed spoons floating around.

A technique I’ve seen work for slightly larger batches is a double-boiler method. This one dude would boil a little bit of water in the bottom of a wok and then cook up the paste (same proportions as above) in a thick, heavy shot glass set in the pan. As it progressed he would take a knife and smear gobs of paste on the inside edge of the glass so it would dry faster. This method ensures you won’t “overcook” the crack but I have seen people fuck it up—the steam can make it slow to dry out and you end up with this kind of squidgy dough. You can still smoke it though.

To tell you the truth, I never got that into smoking crack. It always felt too much like huffing pledge or something—I would get so fucked up that I would start hallucinating stars and planets and tweety birds, and then when I crashed it felt like someone had hit me in the head with a shovel. The whole point of coke is to make you feel more lucid.

What I did enjoy, however, is telling people that I smoked crack. Or casually asking my dilettantish drug associates—college girls or whatever—“hey: anybody want to smoke some crack?”

*Of course, god forbid I should follow my own advice—every time I did this I would wake up with like eight of these blackened little foil-wads clinging to my naked, sweaty body.

15 Responses to “Hey Kids: You Should Make Your Own Crack to Smoke at Home! It’s Easy and Fun”

  1. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 11, 2012 at 8:21 am #

    Ugh… coke, crack, I could never get into either of them. Coke always had the exact opposite of the intended effect on me. While everybody else is talking and laughing, I am grinding my teeth or lighting a cigarette off the butt of the last one I just smoked, counting down the seconds until I could break out another line without looking like a complete fucking fiend. Because I am an addict (in recovery *pat on the back*) and even though I hated the feeling coke gave me, I would do it if it was within the general vicinity of me. I could never understand the people who could do a bump or two at a bar on Friday night, and then just go on drinking like it was nothing. Once I got the first line in me… forget it. Before I knew it it would be 8 o’ clock Saturday morning, birds chirping, staring out the blinds like “oh, god, the neighbors somehow know i’m in here doing coke and they’re gonna call the cops on me, I know it.” – this paranoid feeling is magnified tenfold when I smoke crack, and I would have blown through half of my weeks pay, and I would have beat a couple people at the bar who wanted coke too, or pinched the shit out of their bags, and I would be sitting there scraping the residue off of the last bag with that shameful, disgusted, depressed feeling that seems to stretch all the way from your brain down to the pit of your stomach. Unless I had some xanax, then I could just pop a couple of them and drift off to sleep.

    Anyway, you’re doing it wrong. Well, not exactly wrong, but you’re wasting a lot of perfectly good coke. Go down to your local bodega, or, whatever the equivalent is out in Cali. Ask the guy behind the counter for a rose and chore. He will give you a glass cylinder with a plastic flower inside it, presumably as a thoughtful gift for your significant other. Along with this he will give you a copper brillow pad, presumably for your significant other to thoroughly clean the bathroom and kitchen as a show of her appreciation for the plastic rose. This is a very carefully crafted tactic to disguise the fact that what you just bought is actually a crack pipe. Take this home.

    You should definitely use the spoon method. If it burns your delicate little fingers, just wrap a fucking hand towel or something around the handle. Stop being such a nancy. Same idea as you had basically, you dump one or two nice thick rails in the spoon. Less baking soda, about a half of a line or less. You want about a 1:4 ratio baking soda to coke, any more and your shit will pop and fizzle all over when you heat it, and you’ll lose a
    lot of coke. Same thing with the water, just enough to get it wet. put the flame to it, If you have the right ratio, and your shit starts foaming and fizzling and popping – find a new coke dealer; it’s garbage. What should happen is you’ll see a sheen of oil start to form on the top of the mixture – that’s crack. Stop heating. Take a penny (for some reason coke sticks to copper better) and stir the mixture around until it forms into a paste – eventually it will dry, and if you become skilled at doing this you can use an ice cube on the bottom of the spoon while you’re stirring to speed the hardening process up. For now don’t cause you might fuck it up.

    Rip off a piece of your copper brillow pad and put a flame to it to burn off all the excess chemicals – you’re already smoking enough chemicals, you don’t need any extra. Take a pen and stuff it down into your glass cylinder, you want to put the opposite end of the glass cylinder against a hard surface so you can reallly pack it down, because this is your “push” after you smoke out of it, you will have three or four good crack hits built up inside the pipe, and you can push this copper back and forth through it to soak all that up. Get your penny, which should have a nice big chunk of rock stuck to it – still slightly wet and doughy maybe, doesn’t matter. Scrape it into the top of your pipe and blast off. Enjoy!

  2. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 11, 2012 at 10:30 am #

    “I could never understand the people who could do a bump or two at a bar on Friday night, and then just go on drinking like it was nothing.”

    You know this type of person, they are the ones who carry around those little bullet shaped snuff dispensers, or smoke parliament lights so they can do little key-head sized bumps out of the recessed filters all night. Fuck all that – that’s a tease. If you’re gonna do coke or crack – do it right! Which is to say, go way overboard. Optimize your crack smoking experience by following the steps above, or do gackers the size of Nosferatu fingers.

  3. delicioustacos June 11, 2012 at 10:48 am #

    Agreed. Cocaine experience should be: purchase coke with small group of friends early in the night. Do a couple bumps. Get excited about the night’s activities, talk about how you’re going to go out to X bar and X party and see X person whom you haven’t seen in forever but is a really great friend and someone whom you find fascinating and really trust. You’re really going to get along with this guy, I think you and he will end up being really close friends… and then you start telling a bunch of stories about this person, and the girl you’re with starts interrupting with stories of a similar person she knew but this guy was from Serbia and fought in the war but only because he was pressganged into it and he has the most amazing insights on the nature of human brutality and the possibility of peace, and he is really into the Grateful Dead, that one song– omigod do you have a guitar here? And it turns into eight hours of shakey-handed Jerry Garcia solos and trying to harmonize around the big numb lump of phlegm in your gullet as you try to sneak a peek at the girl’s panties and get hornier and hornier and yet are so addled and jittery that you can’t possibly come up with a strategy to get her back to your place so you just take your leave reluctantly and head home with a couple bumps stashed and just beat your flaccid meat while the hellish radioactive sun starts ripping through the blinds and because you live in LA the Mexican family next door has a fucking rooster, like it’s fucking 1895, and the thing is fucking crowing just like in a cartoon as you finally blow your last bump and try to pass out.

  4. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 11, 2012 at 11:13 am #


    Try this masturbation technique next time, should work best on coke flaccid penis’s:

    The rooster. The Puerto Ricans on the east coast have roosters, too, but we keep ourselves nice and segregated over here. I would be trying to go to sleep listening to some shanty Irish white trash in a wifebeater with a shamrock tattoo on his neck yelling “ya’knamean” about thirty times within a five minute span, drinking cans of Schaeffer’s (in a completely ironic way) outside out 8 in the morning, blasting Diamond girl, or some other obsolete 90’s freestyle music.

  5. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 11, 2012 at 11:14 am #

    *unironic way

  6. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 11, 2012 at 11:49 am #

    And he would be wearing Roccawear jeans, because even though he is more racist than a mississippi cotton farmer, he dresses and acts like he’s black.

    okay, sorry – I’m done.

  7. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 11, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

    And him and his buddies would be sitting directly on MY front stoop, because if he was drinking and smoking blunts 3 blocks down in front of his house and his dad caught him – that is if his dad wasn’t drunk himself – he would take him out in the backyard and beat him with the Shillelagh that’s been used to beat children in his family since they stepped off the boat from county Kilkenny or Galway or whichever was hit the hardest by the potato famine, until he was black and blue.

    Alright – I’m really done now.

  8. lolcopterpilot February 13, 2013 at 12:41 pm #

    Dear Sir,

    After going through your archives, and coming to this story and its attendant comments, I lol’d. But I also felt terrible.

    With Warmest Personal Regards,
    a fan

    PS: I am amazed that the most comments garnered by any post so far, considering the rather course subject matter in nearly every post, was your rather milquetoast screed vis-a-vis fat shaming. I wonder what the (now past) future holds? Onwards!

  9. Anonymous February 15, 2014 at 8:00 am #

    great. great comments too. very educational. i’m with all you dudes who hate coke. such a rotten experience, but, like you, i’m never gonna say no if it’s around. did a bit of crack too but don’t know which technique the buddy who made it used. funny shit, poker night with my crack buddies.
    always preferred X myself, or psychedelics. something to get you on another level. well when i was younger, anyway.
    everybody, in my opinion, should check out “phenibut”. google it. it’s not illegal. you can probably find it on ebay. it’s my current drug-du-jour and has been directly responsible for many wonderul nights of mayhem and debauchery.
    get some while you can! but do your research and be careful. everything in moderation, chaps.

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 30, 2015 at 6:44 pm #

      Phenibut sounds kind of like GHB. GHB is fucking horrible. I drank that shit a few times back when it was popular in the early 00’s. Its effects are similar to that stage of drunkenness right before you throw up, when the room is spinning and your stomach is churning. It just makes you feel like that for about two hours. You’re glad when it wears off.

      I never understood the appeal of club drugs like that. I used to get bottles of liquid Ketamine for $50 a piece, the ones come straight out of the vet’s office. You could double your money on the bottle by cooking it into powder and bagging it up. Like I said, I’m an addict, so every time I would get a few of them I would do a big rail and wind up in a K hole for a couple of hours, blacked out and throwing up. I hated it, but I snorted it every time I got ahold of some to sell. And I always regretted it afterwards.

      Ecstasy was fucking amazing though. Until the next day when you felt like somebody drilled a hole in your skull and poured acid on your brain.

      • Winny May 15, 2017 at 7:30 am #

        I don’t think your GHB experience is at all typical! I did GHB on several occasions in my raver youth and had a lovely time. Maybe you didn’t have a good batch, or maybe it’s just not for you. But everyone else I partied with back in the day who did the stuff recreationally seemed to have a great time. To me, it felt more like a combination of being drunk and rolling. Lots of good vibes and empathy, but also a bit sloppy and silly, uncoordinated. It wasn’t a dancing drug like E and was not speedy. Sensations were heightened and it didn’t impair male performance like E. Sex on GHB was wonderful. I feel it’s important to note that I NEVER felt so out of it (or so uncontrollably aroused) by it that I could have been “date raped” by anyone. I honestly feel that the government invented that angle to get the public behind the idea of banning it, because they couldn’t find any other good reason to shut it down. I doubt very many GHB-related date rapes occurred before the government’s smear campaign gave people the idea that it could be done. If GHB gained popularity, it would be in direct competition with the alcohol industry, which makes the government huge amounts of money. Unlike alcohol, GHB is not bad for your body in any way. It would be hard to make money on a substance that tastes notoriously horrible, and such a small amount has you set for hours. Unlike booze, there was absolutely no hang-over afterwards. On the contrary, I usually felt refreshed and happy the next day. It’s a shame that it has such a bad rap nowadays.

  10. Ferdinand September 28, 2015 at 5:43 am #

    The world crack need to understand very well.

  11. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 30, 2015 at 6:44 pm #

    What’s with the consistent popularity of this post all of the sudden? Seems like the past couple times I’ve visited your blog it’s been on the recently popular list.

  12. matt March 20, 2016 at 5:06 am #

    This was great. I like casually saying that to people too…with a nice smile on my face. Im pretty young looking and quite attractive too, so the reactions are priceless. Smoked some rock last night.🌙 not as good as some of the shit ive had, but I enjoyed it for sure. Wish i had a cutie to play with though.


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