Business Review: Automobile Club of Southern California

At the AAA office. The staff is helpful, courteous and efficient.  If you are not a member of AAA, go fucking join AAA right now.  Call their number and a helpful, courteous and efficient person will explain to you in plain language exactly what you need to do to join and the benefits you will attain. If your car breaks down, they will tow it somewhere for free. If your battery dies, they will come give you a jump for free.  If you have a flat tire, they’ll come change it for free.  Their staff that you talk to on the phone will be unrattled and actually know what the fuck they’re talking about.  The tow truck driver who shows up will be a nice dude from somewhere interesting who won’t try to jack you for extra money.  He will commiserate with you over your car trouble and put whatever music on the radio you want as he drives you to a mechanic of your choice for free.

You will receive a complimentary biweekly magazine with travel tips and day drive ideas tailored to your local area.  Like, this is what you should check out in San Juan Capistrano.  When the swallows are there and how you see them.  What local restaurants are suitable for the type of person who reads their local AAA newsletter, whom I infer to be between 60-75 and not wanting to do a great deal of strenuous exercise.  There will be an open letter in the front of the magazine from some higher up in AAA, who looks like the principal of Council Bluffs High School in 1955.  Or the Undersecretary of Agriculture from the Eisenhower administration. He will spout platitudes about AAA’s mission of quality service and the long sterling history of delivering such, from the early days of cars you had to crank to today with added support for hybrids and natural gas vehicles. Alternative fuels are an important part of our energy future and the Auto Club is committed to ushering in this new era of environmentally sound driving.  Letters to the Editor support these claims of excellence, and herald the newsletter’s usefulness.  Dear AAA Westways Magazine, thank you for your recent tips on San Juan Capistrano.  The swallows were beautiful and the AAA recommended motel was a real gem. Sincerely, Frank and Lois Gildersnatch, Whittier CA.

Who writes Letters to the Editor to AAA Westways Magazine.  Are there ever missives filled with fire and controversy.  Dear Arthur W. Broznowski, Vice Chairman, Automobile Club of Southern California.  I read your publication’s so-called “article” on Hidden Diners of the Central Valley and could barely keep myself from spitting my diner coffee across the pages of your spurious rag.  Not since Mein Kampf have I seen such venomous lies in print. Norm’s Split Pea Soup is no more a “diner” than I am a manatee, and no more “hidden” than the sun itself.   Kindly have your helpful and courteous staff run over your hands with one of AAA’s well-maintained fleet of clean burning natural gas powered courtesy roadside assistance vehicles lest you be tempted to pollute the discourse with your disgusting hate-filled  poison once more.  Respectfully, Lawrence R. “Pooky” Crampington III, Toluca Lake CA

I am here this morning because AAA in California can almost completely replace the DMV.  I am registering a privately purchased vehicle and it will take about eight minutes. Imagine what it takes to do this at the DMV.  The AAA staff member who specializes in handling DMV transactions is a broadly smiling African American lady whose name tag says she has been serving you since 1973. Like many black women, from her appearance it is inconceivable that she was even born in 1973.  She does not hate me.  She does not wish I would drop dead of an aneurism merely for standing on the other side of a counter from her.  She politely and helpfully explains how to fill out the forms, takes my money, and then gives me exactly what I require with no farther hassle.  I can tell that my banter and jokes and flattery about her youthful appearance have made her day slightly better.  The fact that I appreciate how good she is at her job validates the idea that her life has not been wasted.  I bet in the late 70’s she sucked a hell of a dick, but she is so nice and professional that I don’t think that until I’m 50 yards away from the building.  My mind was too full with happiness at the unexpected and too rare ease of this legal and monetary transaction.  Shit never goes this well.  There’s always some argument, some hangup, some getting put on hold by somebody for whom every second of the working day is like having your molasses-dipped scrotum suspended inside a nest of fire ants.  But not at AAA.

AAA is a not-for-profit organization.  Did you know this?  All the money they take in from membership fees and subcontracts to take shit off the overworked DMV’s hands and kickbacks from tow truck companies and ads for Norm’s Split Pea Soup Diner go right back into making a better experience for you, the member.  This is why they actually perform services they promise and retain skilled and pleasant employees.  They don’t have to work harder better faster, we gotta do more with less.  They simply have to do the amount needed to deliver services advertised, and they retain customers for a lifetime.

In conclusion: five stars.  If you don’t click off this web site and go join your local AAA right this instant you are a retarded idiot who shits on Jesus’ face.

Tags: aaa, frank and lois gildersnatch, shitting on jesus' face, the dmv